Need help with Rape victim

[SUBGUY]

I'm posting this in this forum because I think women will have a better understanding of how to help me with this diffucult issue.

My girlfriend was raped two years ago by her ex-boyfriend. She didn't press charges and the guy dissapeared right away. About a month later she found out she was pregnant. Of course, since she never told anybody she had been raped, everyone assumed she had fornicated, and her spiritual life took a downward spiral because she lacked support from her family and church.

During her pregnancy I was helping her cope with the situation and we fell in love and started dating. She went through a real struggle because she didn't want to tell anybody who the father was and how she had gotten pregnant, but when the baby was born it was pretty evident who the father was because he looks exactly like the father.

Somehow the guy found out about the baby and he returned to town about six months ago, claiming to be a born-again Christian and saying he wanted to be part of the child's life.

He started going to our church, even though we kept our distance. Last month we announced our engagement at a church gathering. That same night the guy called her around 2:00 am saying he had to leave town and that he was going to leave her some money for the baby.

She was foolish enough to open the door, and he raped her again. This time she told me immediately, but the guy once again has dissapeared without a trace. He's Canadian so we think that he fled to Canada (the Canada border is about 60 miles away), and once again she did not want to press charges because she's too embarrassed of what happened.

I was devastated by this and told her parents about both rapes, even I after I promised her not to tell anybody. The day I told her parents, they got into a very heated argument with her, and her father had a heart attack and has been in critical condition since. Now I am getting blamed for causing the heart attack by telling him what happened with his daughter.

She didn't talk to me for a good three weeks and now she's starting to come around, but she told me the wedding is off and she doesn't want to be with me anymore.

My Pastors tell me this is a normal reaction after a rape and that I should give her time, but I know they really don't believe her story. They think that the sex was voluntary, so she is not going to church anymore and I'm thinking about leaving also because of the lack of support towards her.

And things just keep getting more complicated. Her sister just told me that she hasn't gotten her period, and they're afraind she's pregnant again. The odds of this happening are very small, but anything is possible.

When the guy came back to town in January I told her that he might be after her, but she believed his "change". Now we're in a difficult situation again. She feels worthless and it's very untrusting of me, according to her sister because she asked me to keep the secret, and by telling her parents I caused her dad's heart attack and broke her trust.

I saw her today for the first time since the day after the rape. I tried to give her a hug and she pushed me away and told me to stay away. She said that all she can offer me is a friendship.

I just don't know how to proceed. I am desperate and very hurt. I love her to death, and even if she's pregnant again I am willing to marry her. But she needs to take some steps to ensure this never happens again. And she needs to trust me again.

As women, what would you recommend I do to alleviate this situation? (advice from gentlemen is also welcome). Thank you for any feedback you can offer and God Bless you all!!

 

[Sketcher]

If I had a girlfriend who had anything like this in her past, I would not marry her until she got counselling and I would do whatever the counsellor says to do. If she refuses to get help it will come back to bite your marraige.

 

[caitlincares]

So sorry to hear about what has happened to her, her family and you.

I have not been raped. I do know some who have.
I think you really do need to listen to her and give her space.
Be there to be her friend.

Yes, she has a huge TRUST issue to get over.
She can not trust her own instincts having let the rapist in.
And yes, she feels betrayed by what you did.
In the end I think she will realize what you did was understandable.

She is just not there right now.
And she is probably focusing on her father's health.
And certainly we can all pray for her.

 

[klewlis]

Wow.

It sounds to me as though you are convinced in yourself of what she "must" do for herself. I'm sorry, but this is absolutely a wrong and dangerous way to think. It's no wonder that she doesn't trust you now. You are trying to take matters into your own hands and solve her problem for her. That is the *last* thing she needs. It was definitely wrong to break her trust and tell her parents. Rape is a horrible, painful, shameful thing and some girls NEVER feel comfortable telling people, and that is HER CHOICE. But you undermined it and told anyway, both breaking her trust and giving her a whole new complicated problem to deal with (having her parents know about it).

Stop thinking you know what she needs to do or how she needs to feel. Instead, give her the space and safety to do, feel, speak as she wants and needs to. That is the only way she can heal.

I'm sorry I'm being so harsh, but there were several things in your post that raised alarm bells for me--phrases like "she was foolish enough to open the door" and "she needs to take some steps to ensure this never happens again". You sound like you're saying she could have and should have prevented the rapes! Do you really blame her for what happened? Do you really think it's her fault? How do you propose to be a trusted support for her if secretly you think it happened because of HER foolishness??

The best thing for her would probably be some good Christian counselling from someone she trusts as a spiritual leader (a pastor, or a pastor and his wife, or simply a professional counsellor).

The best thing for you is to re-evaluate your feelings on this and consider whether you really have her best interests at the front, instead of what you want to happen or think should happen.

 

[JPPT1974]

First of all it is not your fault but it is that person's fault who raped you!!
Two, Don't blame yourself and if you are stop!!
Third, Tell a Family Member or Close Friend
Four, Seek Professional Help or a Christian Counselor Pyschotheraphy
Five, Go to the Lord in prayer first and foremost
I will seek any phone numbers if you like and report back to you.

 

[calgal]

KLewis made some excellent points. Control issues are horrid for rape survivors. I recommend you back off and give her space. A LOT of space. She may NOT be ready for marriage and thankfully she realizes that. The male need to control needs to be turned WAY off. Give this to the Lord and WALK AWAY for your sake and hers. If and when God so ordains, you may be together or not. i am not flaming you but giving a bit of advice. A phone # that will be useful to you or her later on is 1-800-656-HOPE (toll free in the US). This connects any caller to a crisis line 24/7/365.

 

[desi]

If I was dating a girl who was raped and the rapist came around... Honestly, he'd be in prison with a burly cell mate as he'd be motivated to turn himself in for his misdeeds. This girl and her child have a relationship with this man. The best thing you can do is go away and leave this mess alone or deal with him man to man if you really want to help. Being there for her while the guy plays his games isn't really helpful for anyone except the guy, as you are picking up the pieces whenever he makes a mess.

 

[tnpebbles]

Well sadly enough, I was raped when I was 17 years old. I had a boyfriend, I detached myself from him and everybody I loved. I hated the world. I got over it, even though the man stole my purity and everything special to me. I had to learn to quit being so angry with the world, I was able to forgive but I cannot forget what happened to me. As a mother with 3 young children all three girls, It just scares me to death, I just pray that the lord protects my children. Give her a few days, Talk to her, let her talk to you. Let her cry and break down. Let her scream if she wants. Don't force her into church. I didn't want church either when I was raped. I felt dirty. Don't let her start thinking badly of herself.

 

[looksgood]

If I was dating a girl who was raped and the rapist came around... Honestly, he'd be in prison with a burly cell mate as he'd be motivated to turn himself in for his misdeeds. This girl and her child have a relationship with this man. The best thing you can do is go away and leave this mess alone or deal with him man to man if you really want to help. Being there for her while the guy plays his games isn't really helpful for anyone except the guy, as you are picking up the pieces whenever he makes a mess.

I am seeing someone who has had this done to them as well. I don't blame you one bit for wanting to do something about it! I understand how bad it tears you up inside because it hurts me too. I can't stand something like that, and I know it makes you want to put a wall up around her to keep her safe.

People, don't be too hard on this guy. He is only doing what he can to deal with this. It isn't a matter of control at all! He just wants to keep her safe. I know exactly how this is man. I will not tell you what you SHOULD have done. Because honestly there was a little mistake but an understandable one. But I do suggest that you regain her trust. AND DO NOT LET HER BE ALONE! That doesn't mean YOU have to be near her. But you can ask her friends and family to keep a close eye out for her. She no doubt feels very ashamed. And though she DID make a bad choice...it is not her fault. Let her know that. Let her know she has nothing to be ashamed of.

I don't know what is going to happen man. But I know it hurts you as much as her. YES WOMEN BELIEVE IT OR NOT THAT IS POSSABLE! Because when you care for someone so deeply, it is like not only was she raped...but you were as well. I wish I could turn back time and protect my girl. I would probably kill those that did it to her! But even then I know I shouldn't. Because even though it WOULD be justice...I would be locked away and lose her. I would not risk losing her.

Just be patiant with her. And let her know you care, and that you do not think less of her. As for the trust...I don't know. I was lucky enough to not have been the one to have to tell my girls family. It took her years to. I don't know what to say except I know how it feels. I am sorry man.

 

[Sketcher]

I would probably kill those that did it to her! But even then I know I shouldn't. Because even though it WOULD be justice...I would be locked away and lose her. I would not risk losing her.

Well, the law can catch them, convict them, and execute them, depending on which state you're in. Yes I do believe rapists should be executed. And the victim should be able to watch if she likes.

 

[Bradford]

Well, the law can catch them, convict them, and execute them, depending on which state you're in. Yes I do believe rapists should be executed. And the victim should be able to watch if she likes.

I hate to make "me too" posts- but I absolutely agree with this.

Also agree with klewis- the OP was way out of line.

 

[SUBGUY]

Thank you all for your advice and your prayers. I do realize I made a life-changing mistake by telling her parents, and now I'm paying for it by losing the only woman I have ever loved.

I just lost control when I started thinking about everything she went through the first time this happened. By getting pregnant and not being able to say how it happened or who the father was, she was labeled as a "cheap woman", when she was anything but.

I know it will take time to heal the wounds, but I am willing to wait for her and God. She is definitely worth it. One thing that is really bothering me is the lack of support from the church, which has been a problem in the past with other rape victims. I guess it's easier to sweep things under the rug and have these women deal with this problem alone than to have people find out that not everyone in church is who they pretend to be. But that is another story for another day.

Thank you all.

 

[klewlis]

Thank you all for your advice and your prayers. I do realize I made a life-changing mistake by telling her parents, and now I'm paying for it by losing the only woman I have ever loved.

I just lost control when I started thinking about everything she went through the first time this happened. By getting pregnant and not being able to say how it happened or who the father was, she was labeled as a "cheap woman", when she was anything but.

I know it will take time to heal the wounds, but I am willing to wait for her and God. She is definitely worth it. One thing that is really bothering me is the lack of support from the church, which has been a problem in the past with other rape victims. I guess it's easier to sweep things under the rug and have these women deal with this problem alone than to have people find out that not everyone in church is who they pretend to be. But that is another story for another day.

Thank you all.

If her church will not properly support her, there may be some great support groups within the community or even at another church. It's worth looking into. Some larger churches have ministries that focus on these sorts of things (it doesn't mean that she'd have to switch churches, but could be a part of a group at another church). Of course that is all dependent on whether she is ready and willing to do something like that.

I apologize for my harshness in my last post... I know that you are genuinely concerned about her well-being. Just remember to give her the space to deal with it as she needs to, without imposing any "shoulds" on her.

 

[Tuffguy]

Wow,,crazy situation altogether.

I would be there for her man. I don't think theres anything else you can do.

I think the women need to understand why this guy violated her trust and told the parents. He didn't do it to be selfish he probally did it to force her to prosecute the guy. What women often don't realize about men is that when someone hurts a girl we love we can't just listen and stand by and take it all in. We always feel like we have to 'fix' the problem and take action. We aren't naturally listeners, we're naturally do'ers. I would have taken a shovel to the guys head and he would have disappeared permanently. This guy didn't even have that option so he went to the parents to try another way to fix the problem.
If i was in that situation i would have been more concerned with killing the guy then consoling her. In a guys mind the rapist took something from the male in the relationship,,,the exclusive rights a guy has to his girls body. Thats very important to a guy.

 

[caitlincares]

What women often don't realize about men is that when someone hurts a girl we love we can't just listen and stand by and take it all in. We always feel like we have to 'fix' the problem and take action. We aren't naturally listeners, we're naturally do'ers. I would have taken a shovel to the guys head and he would have disappeared permanently. This guy didn't even have that option so he went to the parents to try another way to fix the problem.

I got it.
It is not a Christian book/film but "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" is a great way to understand each other's psyche. Of course, each person is an individual and the level they conform varies.

 

[klewlis]

Wow,,crazy situation altogether.

I would be there for her man. I don't think theres anything else you can do.

I think the women need to understand why this guy violated her trust and told the parents. He didn't do it to be selfish he probally did it to force her to prosecute the guy. What women often don't realize about men is that when someone hurts a girl we love we can't just listen and stand by and take it all in. We always feel like we have to 'fix' the problem and take action. We aren't naturally listeners, we're naturally do'ers. I would have taken a shovel to the guys head and he would have disappeared permanently. This guy didn't even have that option so he went to the parents to try another way to fix the problem.
If i was in that situation i would have been more concerned with killing the guy then consoling her. In a guys mind the rapist took something from the male in the relationship,,,the exclusive rights a guy has to his girls body. Thats very important to a guy.

We know perfectly well that guys *want* to fix everything. But the point is that sometimes you *shouldn't*. It's important to learn when it's not appropriate to try to take charge.