Need help finding somewhere to belong...

[Begat]

If like MaddieD I had something like very mild autism, a lot of things would slot into place, but as it stands, I'm just socially awkward and 'different' in a way that inexplicably seems to repel people (but not because I don't wash or have bad breath or anything like that).

A child of atheist parents, I first appreciated Christ's love for me when I was 14, after being invited to church by a classmate. She kept her distance from me socially; I don't think she ever really liked me all that much, she just saw that I needed Christ in my life and brought me to church. None of my non-Christian 'friends' really for me enough to do anything to try and help. This girl who took me to church wasn't exactly a perfect help either, though I appreciate what she did do. She invalidated my feelings, probably without knowing it, and said and did some things that still get me down sometimes when I just think about it. I had depression, anxiety and attachment problems and I was a clingy kid. I think I understand why she did those things; probably thought that if she gave me an inch I'd take a mile, and when I remember how I idolized some of my teachers, I guess she probably thought right.

She had a group of friends in her church, but they were a clique and didn't invite me to be fully part of them. There were other kids that sort of converted during my time there, and they all found the same problems. The churchy kids didn't want to accommodate them. All of those new kids left the church and fell away from the faith, but in his mercy the Lord preserved me. Church culture was strange and intimidating for me for a long time, and I felt like I must be a second rate Christian because I didn't feel accepted there. I didn't feel perfect enough. Nobody came alongside me to teach me the doctrines of the Christian faith, and nobody did Bible studies with me. I just learned what I learned from the Sunday night youth fellowship and sermons. The one thing I had going for me was that I was a good singer. I had lessons. I sang in the church band sometimes in worship on Sundays. People gave me credit for singing, they liked and said I had talent, but it didn't make them welcome me into their lives any more. I became arrogant, proud and lonely.

I went to two different colleges after graduating from high school; didn't really feel like I fully belonged in my churches there either, but it was an amazing improvement on my home church. I spent a year in Europe; the Lord was looking after me because he allowed me to share an apartment with another Christian girl. She didn't get on with me totally well and preferred her other friends to me, but we still had some awesome times praying together and forgiving each other. At college people would write me notes when I was sad and messaged me, and one girl invited me to read a Christian book together with her and her friend. I was honoured to be able to care for the freshman Christians when I was in my senior year, and hosting prayer meetings in my room felt like an immense achievement.

But now I've come back to my home church. All the people in that old clique have moved on and gotten engaged and found jobs and moved out of town (some got married, but I didn't get invited to any of their weddings) - all except the girl who first brought me to the church. She's the only one of them left. She works for the church now, and she's engaged - ironically to this autism spectrum guy I naturally get on with a lot better than her. I help her out in the office sometime, she's so busy it's all I can do to hang out with her. She's the only other girl in the 20-30 age group left in the whole church now, apart from me. Things are a bit better. People in the church who didn't know me as a kid treat me with a little more respect, I can almost stand a few inches taller when I'm around them. But there are so many who remember. Every time I see or talk to my friend it's like nothing happened and I'm still that frightened, depressed teenager. She doesn't message me, and she goes out with other folks we mutually know, without me. But she accepts my help in the office because folk give her more work than she can do, and she still likes me to sing in the band, because now over the years the church has got so much smaller there's so few people to sing in the band, and they're thinking of hiring someone.

I'm thinking of moving churches. Things were better in other churches, other times of my life. It's like ever since I moved back home after college and living in Europe, spiritual life has started to revert back to what it was. There's so much I want to do, but I don't feel like anyone in church is really behind me. I don't know if I can move church though, because I'm worried about there not being anyone to sing in the worship band. Also, I'm concerned about my friend not having any girl friends her age in the church. I really want to be her friend, and if it turned out that she needed me, I don't know how I could live with myself after abandoning the person who brought me to the place where I got my faith. As my parents are atheists, I almost feel like that church is the spiritual family I never had. Just thinking about leaving feels like a kind of divorce. I also left my boyfriend recently, I don't have a job, I've changed my theological views since going to college - I'm disconnected from everything that made me feel secure on so many levels that I don't know if I can handle moving church too, even though my faith, hope and confidence are dwindling away where I am. My views are so eclectic now that I don't think there's a single church that could accommodate me - and if there was, there wouldn't be one in my little village. I think there ought to be real presence and baptismal regeneration, but I don't like consubstantiation and I just can't feel comfortable trying to pray to the saints or Mary in a liturgy.

Could anyone offer advice or encouragement? Should I move churches or should I stay? Where should I move to? What should I do about this friend?

 

[Albion]

If like MaddieD I had something like very mild autism, a lot of things would slot into place, but as it stands, I'm just socially awkward and 'different' in a way that inexplicably seems to repel people (but not because I don't wash or have bad breath or anything like that).

A child of atheist parents, I first appreciated Christ's love for me when I was 14, after being invited to church by a classmate. She kept her distance from me socially; I don't think she ever really liked me all that much, she just saw that I needed Christ in my life and brought me to church. None of my non-Christian 'friends' really for me enough to do anything to try and help. This girl who took me to church wasn't exactly a perfect help either, though I appreciate what she did do. She invalidated my feelings, probably without knowing it, and said and did some things that still get me down sometimes when I just think about it. I had depression, anxiety and attachment problems and I was a clingy kid. I think I understand why she did those things; probably thought that if she gave me an inch I'd take a mile, and when I remember how I idolized some of my teachers, I guess she probably thought right.

She had a group of friends in her church, but they were a clique and didn't invite me to be fully part of them. There were other kids that sort of converted during my time there, and they all found the same problems. The churchy kids didn't want to accommodate them. All of those new kids left the church and fell away from the faith, but in his mercy the Lord preserved me. Church culture was strange and intimidating for me for a long time, and I felt like I must be a second rate Christian because I didn't feel accepted there. I didn't feel perfect enough. Nobody came alongside me to teach me the doctrines of the Christian faith, and nobody did Bible studies with me. I just learned what I learned from the Sunday night youth fellowship and sermons. The one thing I had going for me was that I was a good singer. I had lessons. I sang in the church band sometimes in worship on Sundays. People gave me credit for singing, they liked and said I had talent, but it didn't make them welcome me into their lives any more. I became arrogant, proud and lonely.

I went to two different colleges after graduating from high school; didn't really feel like I fully belonged in my churches there either, but it was an amazing improvement on my home church. I spent a year in Europe; the Lord was looking after me because he allowed me to share an apartment with another Christian girl. She didn't get on with me totally well and preferred her other friends to me, but we still had some awesome times praying together and forgiving each other. At college people would write me notes when I was sad and messaged me, and one girl invited me to read a Christian book together with her and her friend. I was honoured to be able to care for the freshman Christians when I was in my senior year, and hosting prayer meetings in my room felt like an immense achievement.

But now I've come back to my home church. All the people in that old clique have moved on and gotten engaged and found jobs and moved out of town (some got married, but I didn't get invited to any of their weddings) - all except the girl who first brought me to the church. She's the only one of them left. She works for the church now, and she's engaged - ironically to this autism spectrum guy I naturally get on with a lot better than her. I help her out in the office sometime, she's so busy it's all I can do to hang out with her. She's the only other girl in the 20-30 age group left in the whole church now, apart from me. Things are a bit better. People in the church who didn't know me as a kid treat me with a little more respect, I can almost stand a few inches taller when I'm around them. But there are so many who remember. Every time I see or talk to my friend it's like nothing happened and I'm still that frightened, depressed teenager. She doesn't message me, and she goes out with other folks we mutually know, without me. But she accepts my help in the office because folk give her more work than she can do, and she still likes me to sing in the band, because now over the years the church has got so much smaller there's so few people to sing in the band, and they're thinking of hiring someone.

I'm thinking of moving churches. Things were better in other churches, other times of my life. It's like ever since I moved back home after college and living in Europe, spiritual life has started to revert back to what it was. There's so much I want to do, but I don't feel like anyone in church is really behind me. I don't know if I can move church though, because I'm worried about there not being anyone to sing in the worship band. Also, I'm concerned about my friend not having any girl friends her age in the church. I really want to be her friend, and if it turned out that she needed me, I don't know how I could live with myself after abandoning the person who brought me to the place where I got my faith. As my parents are atheists, I almost feel like that church is the spiritual family I never had. Just thinking about leaving feels like a kind of divorce. I also left my boyfriend recently, I don't have a job, I've changed my theological views since going to college - I'm disconnected from everything that made me feel secure on so many levels that I don't know if I can handle moving church too, even though my faith, hope and confidence are dwindling away where I am. My views are so eclectic now that I don't think there's a single church that could accommodate me - and if there was, there wouldn't be one in my little village. I think there ought to be real presence and baptismal regeneration, but I don't like consubstantiation and I just can't feel comfortable trying to pray to the saints or Mary in a liturgy.
Could anyone offer advice or encouragement? Should I move churches or should I stay? Where should I move to? What should I do about this friend?

I almost never say this on this forum, but considering all the specifics you gave us, I can't imagine any other congregation turning out to be an improvement for you (assuming that your present one meets the doctrinal standards you outlined towards the end of your message).

The doctrines don't fit too many denominations and then there are the more personal matters--music, friend, etc. that would also be jeopardized by a change of churches.

Are you an Episcopalian? That seems to fit the profile best.

 

[cerette]

It's not automatically wrong to switch from one congregation to another, and you are not bound to one simply because the girl who first invited you to church goes there, and that's where you became a believer.
In fact, from what you described, the church you're talking about doesn't sound very good. It's odd and sad that they didn't offer any sort of instruction class when you were a new believer.

 

[Esdra]

I don't think that our op is Episcopalian.
for me his description rather sounds Baptist or non-denominational.

normally, cirette, there are no introduction classes in such churches. I've been there. (though my church was much more welcoming than hers; I got invited in prayer and bible study groups rather quickly. and found a group of young Baptists and Pentecostals at university from various denominations).
I really felt like Being in a spiritual family and learned a lot about the bible in our pastor's Sunday sermons and in the bible study groups I attended.

so maybe, begat, it's a good idea to have a look at other churches. like I did (non-denominational, Baptist and Pentecostal; and finally I became via the charismatic Catholic renewal to "traditional" Roman Catholicism).
side note: I also have a mild form of autism.

 

[Begat]

Thanks for caring, guys. I'm from a minor denominational offshoot of the Reformed Church, my congregation is quite charismatic and liberal, but it's a very broad church. I've also had some experience in anglican-evangelical churches (officially episcopal, but theologically probably more Baptist) - those were the ones I went to at college. So you were close!

I'm just going to resign myself for now to the fact that there won't be any church that'll suit me entirely, but people and beliefs change don't they? My views on stuff probably aren't what they're going to end up.

Again, thanks for caring and writing.

 

[Begat]

[deleted post: posted same post twice, new to the forum, don't know how to delete properly]

 

[Albion]

I don't think that our op is Episcopalian.
for me his description rather sounds Baptist or non-denominational.

REAL PRESENCE but no Consubstantiation, Esdra.

However, now that she's said that she's Reformed, I can see that too.

 

[Albion]

I'm just going to resign myself for now to the fact that there won't be any church that'll suit me entirely, but people and beliefs change don't they? My views on stuff probably aren't what they're going to end up.

Again, thanks for caring and writing.

We do care, that's for sure. In my answer to you, the biggest factor weighing on me was that I think you'd feel aggrieved that your new church--if you found one--would mean leaving friend(s) and your work with the present church's music. Those are important. So maybe you could instead think of a way of getting into some new kind of activity in the current church.

 

[parsley]

Hi Begat, it's fine to switch churches. Everything changes, as you have seen, and it's not so much about decisions you made, as the fact that nothing social stands still. Life keeps moving and morphing. This is a great time for you to explore other churches, and see how different they can be -- if you are able to get away from singing commitments.

Even though your question is about churches, much of your post is about friendships and feeling connected. A lot of people go through that, even the ones who appear to be bubbly and popular. It takes maneuvering to establish friendships, and keep them going. Many typically-popular people enter a new church and find themselves lost in space for a year or more -- it's social territory, and sadly the social games go on anywhere. Hopefully less in a church.

You admitted to being clingy, and while the church forum isn't the place to say too much on this, it seems to relate to your church choices. Since you have seen this as an obstacle to meaningful friendships, take some small steps toward change.

The next time you're facing the narthex crowd, pray that God will lead you to people He wants you to connect with. Then set yourself to be a help to others, no matter what that will be. One person may need to vent about a medical problem, another might want to share excitement over a new job, another might be new to the area and need directions to the kids' classrooms. Let yourself be a flowing, moving agent.

That doesn't mean pressing people for personal information, but letting them talk, and responding to what they bring up. Sure, maybe they are self-centered. People are, even the ones who appear to have great friendships.

I find that when I take my focus off whether people will like me or not, and find out what they need -- that is when the satisfying friendships come. Everyone needs support. Give, and you will find. Serve the Lord, and He will bring you life. Then it will barely matter what church you end up in -- He can use you anywhere.

 

[Begat]

Parsley, that is really what I needed to hear. And thanks for your encouragement, Albion. You guys are good listeners.

 

[Ohiodude]

Hey Maddie I think i have a solution to your church predicament you are in. Please respond and i will talk you through it with some good advice.

Ben