Need HELP advice about possible OCD situation

[flowerforever7]

Hi,

Here is the situation:

I have been in need of a car and looking for one. My Uncle who knows all about cars found a great deal on one for me. Last night I was fasting (I don't member why I chose to, but I did.) I told myself I would not think of the car situation (because that would be seeking out my own stuff when I needed to be denying myself). As I was doing something I started ruminating about the car. I fairly promptly dropped to my knees to ask forgiveness from God; I felt frustrated in my heart at the fact that I messed up. I don't know if like for a split second I felt resentment that I had to agree to fast or not. I honestly am not too sure. But I thought either "go to Hell" or "f* you" toward the Holy Spirit. Immediately I got angry that I did this. Ofcourse, I felt very convicted about not getting the car. What makes matters worse, is that after that happened, I continued to replay and ruminate on the situation to try to figure out if I meant it or not; because I am just not sure. In doing so, whatever phrase I said toward the Holy Spirit was replayed in my mind in trying to figure it out, and now I feel like I have purposely thought those bad things about the Holy Spirit; not to mention I broke my fast. Anyway, I feel convicted now about getting that car, I don't want to lose my salvation or relationship with God. I feel like if I get that car I would always be reminded of what happened in my mind. I decided mentally that I would tell my Uncle that I would prefer to look for another car, but then I think I may have realized I was ruminating on this when I was supposed to be fasting and said "f* you" in my heart toward the Holy Spirit. Now I feel like I cannot get any car from him. Last night I got to my wits end. I know I cannot commit suicide; as I fear I would go to Hell, and don't want to find out after it's too late. I prayed to God last night to please end my life here on earth, since I don't see anyway out of this disorder for myself and / or not sure what is OCD or what is me. I wrote a note addressed to my Mom letting her know what I prayed last night and left it on my dresser, to be given to her incase the Lord took my life as I was sleeping which I was hoping for. Obviously it did not happen. I am dreading 9:00 this morning as my Uncle is supposed to be calling about taking me to buy that car today. I told the people in the house I am staying at I found a car. I am so overwhelmed. I feel like if I get the car my conscience won't be clear, that I may lose my relationship with God, and that because I would be constantly reminded of that offensive thing said to the Holy Spirit in my mind after ruminating on the car when I should have been fasting, that being constantly reminded of it would be too much for me, and I would feel tempted to commit suicide by running the car into a tree. If I say no to this car today, my Uncle will offer to help me find another, but ofcourse because of the offensive thought toward the Holy Spirit when thinking about that as an option when I should have been fasting, I feel like I cannot get any other car from him either. The people I am living with are waiting for me to get a car. Now I am starting to look unreasonable to everyone. I can't take the pressure. I feel like going away for a while but not sure where to go exactly. I have thought about committing myself to an institution; but then people are going to be trying to get to me, and I just need to not be around people for a while and having to make any kind of decisions. I have thought of taking SSRIs to deal with OCD (if that's what this is), but SSRIs from what I understand, end up depleting serotonin levels over the long term. With OCD, that is the LAST thing I need. I ordered l-tryptophan to take; however, I have read so much stuff about people developing EMS which debilitates people at best and is fatal at worse. There have been cases of people developing EMS from l-tryptophan supplements recently. It seems like too much a risk to take them.

WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THIS CAR, A CAR, TELLING MY UNCLE TO NOT LOOK FOR A CAR FOR ME, TELLING THE PEOPLE I LIVE WITH I AM NOT GETTING THAT CAR EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE PRESSURING ME TO BUY ONE? WHAT DO I DO? I WISH THAT THE LORD WOULD HAVE TAKEN ME IN MY SLEEP LAST NIGHT. I DON'T WANT TO FACE ANY OF THIS TODAY. PLEASE HELP? DON'T NEED TO BE CODDLED, JUST NEED HONEST GODLY ADVICE ON HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS IMMEDIATE SITUATION (HAVE TO SPEAK TO MY UNCLE IN ABOUT AN HOUR); AND IN GENERAL.

Thank you.

 

[BeccaLynn]

Flower, I've listened to a couple of ministers lately talk about fasting and the purpose of it. Of course, the main reason spoken of was to focus on God and to deny our fleshly desires, like eating freely, to show they haven't got the ultimate control over us, that God does. That when we are weak, He is strong. But, also that when people needed something beyond their own strength, like healing, etc., it was the way to approach God and let Him know that we realize we can't do this in our own strength and to request His mighty intervention.

The thing with OCD though is that it loves to take anything good and right, whether it be washing your hands, checking to make sure the door is locked, or praying and fasting, and make it into something it has control of. It's very normal for us to start thinking of something else while we're trying to spend or devote time to God, and especially something that's going on in our lives at the time...such as looking for a car. But, it doesn't mean that you weren't fasting or had broken your fast, it just meant your mind got off track and when you realized it, it was time to bring it back to focusing on God. However, did you set like a certain amount of time to fast or was it just a "whenever I feel like God wants me to end it" type of thing? In my personal opinion, it's best to set a designated time to do this, but don't stop life to do it. The Bible even tells us not to look as if we're fasting, to continue to take care of our appearance, etc. Maybe you could even bring the car issue to God. He knows our needs and wants our needs met. He doesn't want us to constantly deprive ourselves of what could be His blessings just because OCD is trying to load us with guilt. If your uncle knows about cars, that's a blessing. God doesn't want you to get a bum deal, and maybe you should look at it that it's a blessing from God that you have an uncle who can help you with this instead of denying such a blessing.

I wish I knew how to explain this better. I know what I'm wanting to convey to you, but just don't know a great way to explain it. Maybe this will help: There's this custom-made picture frame that I really wanted. I have a tendency sometimes to obsess over a certain thing I want, but then I feel guilty for wanting it so much and think I'm too materialistic, so every time I think about what I'd like to have I pretty much feel I shouldn't have it. As far as the frame goes, I felt like I was putting temporary desires over desiring things of eternal value. You know, like "seek first the kingdom of God and all His righteousness and these things shall be added unto you" mentality and that I was wrong for desiring things so much. The thing is that we've got to have a balance in our lives, and OCD likes to make it an all or nothing kind of thing. Anyway, I began fasting around the same time that I found the frame I really wanted. I felt "convicted" that I should be focusing on God and told myself mentally that I wasn't going to think about the frame until after the fast. Well, it was only supposed to be on sale for a certain period of time and may not have been after the fast was finished. I found myself debating over the frame issue in my head. What I wanted verses what I felt I should be doing. I felt I should give up my fast because my heart wasn't in it, etc. But, isn't that just like the enemy's lies whispering as if they were my own thoughts, "Just give up because it's not doing you any good anyway?" God sees and He knows I have a very difficult time and am constantly feeling I'm doing something He doesn't want me to do, especially when I want something. However, I stuck with the fast and determined to get the frame afterward. I tried to balance it out and not let OCD try to ruine the fast or keep me from getting the frame. It sounds as if you were already planning on getting the car before you began fasting, so it doesn't mean that everything else in your life stops just because you're setting some extra time aside to seek God and deny yourself of food, if that 's the fast you're doing (we can fast other things too). I've also noticed that with OCD, sometimes the fast we declare we're going on can be something of a compulsion in itself instead of something God has called us to do.

As far as thoughts about committing suicide go, who do you think wants you to think like that? It's definitely not God. I know that you are worried about the thoughts you had supposedly against the Holy Spirit, but even that is a compulsion. Reality is that that's all part of OCD. It's not something you want to do, so it's what you focus on not doing, so you end up doing it. These are my thoughts: If you don't buy the car because you feel guilty over these "blasphemous" thoughts and are trying to show God that you're punishing yourself for having them by not buying the car, then you are letting the OCD win again. God already knows you don't wish to have them. Don't punish yourself further or think God wants you to withhold something from yourself over having what are actually intrusive thoughts. That does nothing more than to deny yourself of something that God Himself isn't necessarily saying not to have. In fact, I would imagine that He wants you to be blessed with a wonderful car at a great price and to just thank Him for His blessing you with a car instead of, out of guilt, thinking you got something that you should've denied yourself due to the thoughts that popped into your head about the Holy Spirit or because you thought about the car while you were fasting. I wish I knew of some supplement or something that would really diminish if not eliminate OCD without the awful side effects of medicine. I'm not taking anything either for that reason. I didn't do well on medicines.

My advice would be to go easier on yourself. I'm by no means out of the woods myself when it comes to OCD issues, but I know we can burden ourselves down with yokes that we aren't meant to carry. Remember that God says His yoke is gentle and His burdens are light.

I hope this helps at least somewhat.

Praying for you,
Rebecca

 

[flowerforever7]

Becca,

Thank you for your kind response and prayers (I need them). Reading for a while some of what you wrote helped calm my soul. At the same time, my soul is not settled about this issue. You made some good points in your response. I do not remember what I was fasting for exactly. Sometimes I just feel an urge to fast and then do so. I get urges to fast from stuff a lot. I may have decided to fast for something then forgot what it was for. I remember thinking that I felt full physically, so maybe I should fast for the rest of the evening. Sometimes the fasting I do is just because, sometimes it is for a reason, and then I am not sure if this is an OCD-specific pattern or not, but when the fast is completed, I will feel compelled to fast some more from whatever it is due to different reasons popping up (someone needing salvation, and so forth), and so I end up perpetually denying myself of something I want, get anxious when thinking about that thing and / or and get frustrated and a blasphemy comes out. Obviously the point of my post wasn't the fasting but the blasphemous things that came from my mind or heart that I cannot tell if it was OCD or not, and the car situation. But I know that the fasting stuff is wrapped in the situation to. Thank you for giving some good things to consider. I appreciate you taking the time to write out a thought out response.

God bless you.

 

[BeccaLynn]

You're very welcome. Sometimes I think, "Why am I even here? What is my purpose because of how I struggle?" But, we can minister to and empathize with others who struggle with this better than someone who's not been through it and is on the outside looking in. We are here to bear one another's burdens and encourage one another. You've definitely encouraged me before. As far as the feelings that you need to fast go, that's what I meant about fasting being a compulsion in itself. I feel that I need to fast a lot myself, but I remember back to something a minister friend told me. I was talking to him about an issue I was having, but I didn't tell him that I felt compelled to fast about it. Without informing him about these thoughts I was having, he spoke up and said, "And don't fast about it." He knows I have OCD and he knows how it tends to lead us down the road of self-denial in a not-so-good way. I believe he even told me it could make things worse. I don't mean to never fast, but maybe have certain times set aside, like one day a month for example, and ignore the other compulsions that you NEED to fast for this or that. Denying that urge will be hard because you don't want to deny what God's wanting you to do. But, that's how OCD plays us. It knows what's most important to us, like pleasing God, or that this person gets saved, etc., and it just plays on it. God wants you to get a handle on this, and I think by actually denying those urges to fast is something that would actually be pleasing to Him.

I know you are also so concerned whether you meant the thoughts or not. I'm going to tell you that my mother herself tried to commit suicide do to the guilt over having what she thought were blasphemous thoughts against the Holy Spirit. God did not desire this for her! The very reason it bothered her so much is because that's not what was in her heart. If it was in your heart, I don't think it would bother you like it does. But, part of OCD, again, is being blinded to what actually is OCD and thinking it is us. I worry that I have a hardened heart toward God and feel often times like I'm just going through the motions and don't have a genuinely repentant heart. I can't tell you the number of times I've prayed to be saved or asked forgivness for the same sins, trying to really mean it, but fearful that I don't. It's hard for me to discern what is OCD and a real heart problem. But, that's what keeps us coming back to the same issues again and again . . . the "but what if it's real?" kind of thinking. At times, I've just told God, "You know all about me. You know what's really a heart issue and what's lies I've believed. If there's anything in me that's genuinely not allowed You in or if I am truly unrepentant, then somehow bring me to full repentance. But, I'm just going to drop it now and go on with you. I have to." And then, I've just let it go. Granted, I've done that more than once. But, God understands us better than we understand ourselves and I think we just have to let go many times of the ruminating about what's me and what's OCD and leave it with God.

 

[kaykay9.0]

I totally agree with Becca's posts. She gave you excellent counsel. This is just a classic example of how our OCD can tie us up in knots. And yes I know the fasting aspect was not the main point here but let me just say that at one point I was in such bondage to thinking I needed to fast, that my husband insisted that I discuss it with him before I fasted again. Even fasting can get tangled up with OCD! Sounds like you are probably also in that situation.

I don't have too much to add to what Becca's said. Just it is clear to someone on the outside that this whole dilemma is rooted in OCD . Been there, done it myself but it is so much easier to recognize in someone else. Bottom line, I think you should just go back to square one- if the car is a good
deal, do it. All this other stuff is OCD driven.

 

[dabro]

You are truly suffering from scrup. I'll keep you in my prayers!

 

[lilipunzel]

Urges can be compulsions, so I would be careful about engaging in urges if oyu have been diagnoised with OCD. What is happening here is that instead of making decisions and focusing on living life, we create idolatrous realtionships with all manner of thoughts and actions.
PLease seek help with aprofessional who can help you to begin to understand and sort through all these thoughts rather than making them the center fo your life.