need good advice

[jenny413]

Hello, this is my first forum posting. I never would have done this but I just recently came across a description of BPD and for the first time in almost 18 years of being with my husband have a name to his madness. In all these years it never seemed I could find any description that fit him. So I thank God for this new revelation, but just as scared if not more so. How do I get him to be diagnosed or to go to counseling? We are very tight on money so he uses that as an excuse to get out of going to marital counseling. I have 4 young kids. We have separated once before and I foolishly went back to him without proper length of counseling, because he acted as if everything was fine. Now I don't know what to do. I know I need to work on changing my behavior, I'm constantly reacting to his emotional rollercoasters because I don't want my children to think his behavior is okay. I have so many other questions, but I'll leave it at this for now.
Thanks for listening

 

[Bryan519]

Hello, this is my first forum posting. I never would have done this but I just recently came across a description of BPD and for the first time in almost 18 years of being with my husband have a name to his madness. In all these years it never seemed I could find any description that fit him. So I thank God for this new revelation, but just as scared if not more so. How do I get him to be diagnosed or to go to counseling? We are very tight on money so he uses that as an excuse to get out of going to marital counseling. I have 4 young kids. We have separated once before and I foolishly went back to him without proper length of counseling, because he acted as if everything was fine. Now I don't know what to do. I know I need to work on changing my behavior, I'm constantly reacting to his emotional rollercoasters because I don't want my children to think his behavior is okay. I have so many other questions, but I'll leave it at this for now.
Thanks for listening

God Bless you Jenny. If your husband does not want to go to counseling, unfortunately you can not force him to go. If money truly is the only concern though, you may check with your insurance. Many insurance companies cover mental health as well as physical health. It may be more affordable than you realize. You may also check what is available with your employers. Many employers now have an employee assitance program which, in most cases, will actually pay for a limited amount of sessions. If neither of these options work for you, ask a counsellor if they provide a sliding scale fee. Counselling doesn't have to be expensive and if your husband is willing to go you should definately encourage that. You also might try picking up the book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me", I forget the author's name. It's an excellent book about BPD, the causes and the symptoms. Maybe leave it out and see if he'll pick it up and take a look at it. It all comes down to whether he is willing to seek help though. BPD is usually diagnosed in women, but it is believed that it is because women are most likely to seek help where men are not. Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[DR RekLaw]

I'm sorry but you won't be able to make him go. My soon to be ex wife could not make me go. She tried for several years to get me to go. I always thought she was the one with the problem. I guess what made me go was i could not deal with life any more. I just wanted to die and my upbringing would not let me kill myself. I was very tormented and you are right it is a rollercoaster. So I'm sorry you won't be able to make him go until he has had enough.

 

[jenny413]

Thank you for responding. It's such a huge relief that after 18 years I have someone to talk to who understands the horribly insane rollercoaster I am living in! Which book is better to read "Stop Walking on Eggshells!" or "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!" or both? If he won't go until he has had enough, what do I do in the mean time? I have 4 kids, I'm scared how his behaviors are going to affect them. I'm already explaining a few things to my oldest, so she can begin to understand that at times his behavior is because he doesn't know how to control his emotions, so that when he goes off on her as if she's an absolute screw up because she didn't do something exactly the way he thinks she should have done it, she can begin to work on not taking that to heart.

 

[madison1101]

I would encourage you to read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" for yourself. "I Hate You Don't Leave Me" is more for him. It would help you to understand him, but he would benefit from it in seeing himself in the book.

It may come to pass that you may have to leave him to protect yourself and/or your children from physical harm. Do not hesitate to do that. Your safety, and theirs, is most important. Leaving may also signal a wake-up call to him, as a lot of people with BPD fear abandonment. Just don't leave as a manipulative tool to get him to want help. Leave for your safety, or your own reasons, not to coerce him to do something. He must see the need for help on his own. You cannot make him get the help.

God bless.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[cory533]

jenny welcome,
I so know what you mean it has been about two years since we found out my wife has borderline. since then igt got much worse for a time eventually the drs got her on a medicine that has worked wonders and we have been able to work through a lot of our issues now that she is better. she still has her days and we both would like for her not to need medicated but for now it has been a godsend. There is hope listen to the advice given above I agree heartily with most if not all of it. God bless you. you will be in my prayers.
Cory

 

[Bryan519]

I'm not one who quickly dolls out advise to break up a family. I think divorce should be an absolutely last measure. However, not fully understanding what type of behaviors your husband is exhibiting I think it's best to consult a family counsellor, at least for yourself if he's not willing to come or a clergy. If he is being violent towards either yourself or your children I would agree with Trish and think you should put some physical distance between yourself and him until he gets help.

Do you feel comfortable sharing the type of behaviors he is displaying?