Need EVERYONES thoughts/advice

[lorali]

Hi I'm about to go off my rocker.
I need help. BAD. From everyone, but mainly you men out there please reach in your hearts and please tell me your manly point of veiw-- in ALL honesty.

I am a very very honest and faithful wife. I love my husband beyond belief. We started dating when I was 17 and he was 18. We dated for 3 years, got married, and now its 5 years later. We have 2 boys ages 3 and 4.
I do everything to keep my husband happy. I keep the house clean, I have supper ready for him EVERY day, I pamper him as much as he will let me, I keep up with my looks, I havent "let myself go", I read Cosmo on the regular to get fresh ideas for our sex life, which I havent had any complaints, on that note, I have NEVER turned him down, not once. And it is regular I dont deprive him.

2 years ago he started being very distant twards me. He used to give me this special look, the look that said "I love you" "I'm crazy for you" that look always made me feel safe and loved. It's gone. But that was just the beginning. Every sence he got so distant I've been chatching him up in alot of little lies that just dont add up. Last year I caught him lying about where he was going. I have tried over and over to talk to him about this , but he keeps telling me "your crazy" "its all in your head" then he sucks up to me and starts holding me and everytime he does I get this awful urge to push him off of me. My gut tells me he's cheating, but I cant leave him unless I have solid proof. But have I soft proof (the lies) (the gut feelings) I just dont know how much more of this "not knowing for sure" of whats going on I can take. Please help. Thanks and God Bless you all.

 

[gengwall]

Three things come to mind

He could be cheating.

He could be in a life stage where other things are drawing his attention away from you. Has he changed jobs or anything like that? Is it possible the increased demands of fatherhood have taken his attention off of you? Are there any other life changes that could be affecting him? Not that his becoming more distant is good or proper. But all possibilities should be explored.

Finally, and this falls under cheating as well, he may be into pornography. Does he stay up on the computer after you go to bed? Does he have large chunks of private time and access to computers anywhere else?

My problem in my marriage was pornography and I did indeed become more and more distant with my wife and I was completely unconsious to it and thought she was crazy when she would bring it up Well, at least I partially thought that. I did have some sense that the pronography was affecting my relationship, I just didn't realize how much. And any time the relationship was discussed I covered my behind by trying to say it was all her "feelings" and not based in reality.

Any of this sound familiar?

 

[romans324]

I am wondering if you had sat down together and discussed this matter? Espeically your feelings. Men (and I have done this) take thier wife for granted sometimes espeically if you do all you say. I would say stop doing some of the things you do, not to get revenge or anything of that sort but to get his attention that there is something wrong. Bring a pastor into the serenio or even someone of godly values who has much experience in marriage. I can not say he is cheating on you but I can say you need to express your feelings of not feeling loved by him. My wife doesn't do as much as you do for your husband but when I notice that she was lacking more on things I just got angry until God showed me I was becoming bitter towards my wife. I need to give her the emtional support she wanted even though she never asked for it. I have done this and since then things have greatly improved. If your husband refuse to confrount these problems then you really need to seek marriage consueling bad. Because sometimes us as humans when all is well we want more and I pray that your husband sees how great of a wife God has given him. Hope this helps and God Bless!

 

[Canuk]

Based simply on your side of the story I would be suspicious as well. However I know from my own experience that if you are looking for something (lies), chances are you will be able to find it, regardless of whether it's actually there or not. Are you 100% certain you have been lied to repeatedly? Do you have undeniable proof? (Just wanting to make sure that you are not like me...I like to turn very minor things into majors, which causes some big problems)

Now that I have that out of the way...I would imagine that you will want to confront him in some way, and you will probably want to do this sooner than later. However, before you do that, I would suggest you at least think through what your reactions, and subsequent decisions, will be based on the possible answers that you get from your husband. What will you do if he is cheating? What if he wants to reconcile and change? What if he is simply stressed or overworked? I would spend some time in prayer prior to talking with him.

Finally, speaking as a man, when you do talk to him, try not to have already judged him. If you go in assuming the worst, that will come out in the way that you approach him, and immediately put him on the defensive. If you are willing to work through things with him, regardless of what has gone on, I'd let him know that up front. Speaking from experience (hurting my wife, not cheating), knowing that my wife was willing to work through things with me was a very positive thing.

Good luck, and God bless...

 

[lorali]

My husband is a coon hunter. So it would be easy for him to see another woman at night while he is "coon hunting" I've tried to be trusting and everytime I get that sick feeling that he may be seeing someone else, I pray and study the bible, and it does help, but my pain is still there.

 

[gengwall]

My husband is a coon hunter. So it would be easy for him to see another woman at night while he is "coon hunting" I've tried to be trusting and everytime I get that sick feeling that he may be seeing someone else, I pray and study the bible, and it does help, but my pain is still there.

Ever gone hunting with him? That might be an interesting surprise.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Wow that's crummy. Sounds like he's not appreciating the good thing he has. Kudos to you! Regardless of the fact that he's behaving that way to you, know that you haven't done anything to deserve it, it's his failure, not yours. You keep being your good self. God Bless!

HB

 

[hisbloodformysins]

If I could afford it, I'd hire a private detective to answer some doubts. That'll tell you a lot.

HB

 

[lorali]

Yea I went with him 1 time and his dog ran in a big circle in the woods and came right back and my husband could not get the dog to go back in the woods. I feel so stupid.

 

[sf49erfan]

If you've got the money, have a PI follow him when he goes out.

 

[Yitzchak]

I would forget about your suspicions and be proactive about improving your relationship. Get to the root of the distance and lack of intimacy that you feel.

 

[Nobility]

My suggestion is actually talk to him about it, explain your fears and ask him if he is cheating.

I guess the least it'll do is either set your mind at ease (or if he is) scare him a little.

 

[lourie]

men that are having an afair do not admit it!!!!!

Borrow a friends car and follow him your self. follow him for a week or longer not just one time. Remember the gut feeling is usually right.

 

[pete56]

My suggestion is actually talk to him about it, explain your fears and ask him if he is cheating.

I guess the least it'll do is either set your mind at ease (or if he is) scare him a little.

I could not agree more!

The one key ingredient in a good marriage is communication! If you suspect him then tell him so and listen to his response. If, as you say there has always been a chemistry in the way he looks, you will know if he is lying!

Then if he does lie, you need to take further action to discover what is behind the lies - PI, software for the computer etc.

Pete

 

[gracefaith]

I would forget about your suspicions and be proactive about improving your relationship. Get to the root of the distance and lack of intimacy that you feel.

I agree with Yitz. I don't know what everyone else is seeing, but I don't think you've told us anything that really points one way or another.

Your relationship with him is obviously in need of reconnection and intimacy. Looking good and cooking dinner for him and always saying yes to sex are positive things, but they don't necessarily cultivate intimacy. There are married couples that hate each other and still do the same thing.

I would seriously suggest some sort of organized 'couples retreat' for the two of you. Before this goes any farther into 'I do everything I'm supposed to and he's obviously up to no good', I would give him the benefit of the doubt one more time, go away together for a therapeutic retreat and see if you can't find that regard and spark for one another again.

 

[sgrimsley]

Grrr... men make me so mad! Definitely talk to him. Tell him what you are thinking and why. Then give him a chance to say what's on his mind. Have you asked him if he feels this distance as well? In my experience... when you know someone's cheating, you just know it... you feel it in your bones.

 

[lourie]

if you talk to him before following him the afair will go underground and it will be months before they let there guard down to catch them.

 

[Rejoice37]

I agree that communication is key. Do not allow the enemy to do a number on your head. That's what satan loves to do. I would sit husband down and let him know exactly how you feel. One other thing I'd suggest is Godly Counseling. Do you guys belong to a church? If so, maybe talking with your Pastor will assist you in getting to the bottom of this situation and help you both work towards restoring the intimacy and trust.


I sent up a prayer for you sister! God will work it out. Continue to trust Him. He is there for you.

 

[Cordy]

I think intuition can play a huge role.

Intuition has told me something a few times, and it was usually right. Usually when I confronted the that person about it, I received lies. It was only when I had proof that they came forth with the truth. I personally think it would be unwise to ignore your intuition.

Perhaps you are simply concerned because your marriage is going through a change in chemistry, or you are bothered by the distance and lack of trust, so I wouldn’t conclude that he must be cheating. But, I wouldn’t turn that radar off, either.

People are suggesting you talk to him about it, but it appears that you have done so in your OP. What concerns me is the lying. Lying is often a sin that covers another sin. What is he hiding that he has to lie? Especially lying where he is going.

If he is not going to be upfront and tell you what is going on, I would put effort into figuring out what is really going on. I am not suggesting you give him the evil eye, but seek to find answers to explain all these perplexing questions.