Need advice

You husband needs to make it very clear to his family, that you are his wife and any discussion needs to be carried on in that matter. If anyone has a different train of thought they should keep it to themselves. The two of you made a promise to God when you got married. God did not ask for the promise the two of you made it. Now you should stick to it unless there is a Biblical reason for the divorce.

Personally....I would put the general issue of the marriage behind the issue of him being so heavily influenced by his family. Most likely, it's going to be a bit of a process--him pulling away from them and being independent. He may have been seeing if it were possible to sort of "ride the fence" and please everyone.

oceansmile said:

I really wish I didn't care so much about what other people think.

See, I'd like to think that, as I believe it's easier to fix, but I wonder if that's the case. He rarely talks to his family...like, twice a year, so I'm wondering if he really believes his church is right in our case.

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I wish I didn't care so much about what other people think EITHER! Gah!
If it makes you feel any better, my husband's mother told him three months into our relationship that "God doesn't want him in a relationship right now, He has better plans for you." And even now, 4 years later and 2 and a half years into our marriage, every time we fight, she tells him its a sign from God that he needs to leave me. Ack, what a mess.
I finally had to tell my husband that unless she changes her stance on our relationship, that I can't deal with being around her because knowing how she feels hurts me so much. Praise God for now he is respecting my wishes.
In-laws can be VERY detrimental to our self-esteem, at least for me, it did for awhile. I see other people who call their in-laws mom or dad, and I wish I had that!
Well, I will tell you, the devil gets a LOT of satisfaction out of seeing us worry more about what other people think than what God thinks. I had to learn that the hard way, sigh sigh....

oceansmile said:

I really wish I didn't care so much about what other people think.



See, I'd like to think that, as I believe it's easier to fix, but I wonder if that's the case. He rarely talks to his family...like, twice a year, so I'm wondering if he really believes his church is right in our case.

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But, it seems that his church is confirming what his family has said. That's why it's an issue that (I believe) is more within him not having his own ability to think critically---instead, it sounds like he just falls back on what he's always been told by his family.

oceansmile said:

The problem is, when I bring this up, he's always like, "well, your church tells me I'm going to hell." (which isn't true) He won't focus on the issue at hand, which is people thinking we're not married.

I don't know. I guess I'll never be able to resolve this.

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Maybe he needs to try to explain what *he* believes is true. There are a few issues all wrapped up together (which, I think, is what's making this so confounding). I wonder if he's even questioning his salvation (besides his marital status)........do you think he is?

Oceansmile,

I knew Roman Catholics think of marriage as a sacrament to be performed by a priest, but they also allow for baptisms to be valid if a Christian performs them in a pinch. Don't they accept Protestant baptisms if a Protestant will be catechized and go through confirmation? Maybe it's the Eastern Orthodox I'm thinking of. Why wouldn't they accept a Protestant wedding?

Maybe you could consult with one of their priests online and find out if the family's ideas really are in line with Roman Catholic teaching.

The Bible says nothing about priests/elders/bishops being necessary for a couple to wed. There is nothing about a church leader having the power to join people together in marriage. Chances are, the earliest Christians didn't do it that way. Peter had a wife. Did some Roman Catholic priest marry them before Peter became 'da pope' as Roman Catholics call him--oh yeah, he had a wife so we probably shouldn't call him pope.

Pagan Romans had a custom that when a couple wed, they would stand before a certain type of priest (or priestess--I forget) and utter some words. If a woman wed Gaius, she would say "Where you are Gaius, I am Gaia". She'd wear a ring. At the end, the groom would snatch up the wife and carry her on his shoulder, with her family following, mimicking the way a batch of early Romans stole their wives.

But if you look at Old Testament weddings, a couple was wed when the groom paid the bride's father a bride price (assuming she was a virgin) and later returned to claim her. The groom would typically put on a feast. Another way to get married was to redeem close relatives estate, and if he'd not had any children, you got his widow in the process. The only detailed 'wedding ceremony' in the Old Testament is Boaz redeeming Ruth's late husband's estate and declaring it before the elders that he was doing that and taking Ruth as his wife. There is no mention of rings or ceremonies in that case. Jews later developed various customs, including ceremonies and wedding contracts. Nowadays, one of their scholars--who they refer to as 'rabbi'-- will perform various functions, but much of that 'priestly' role for the scholar evolved after the destruction of the temple around 70 AD.

Marriage was established before Pentecost, way back in the day of Adam and eve when God, who we might argue served in the role as Father to Eve, gave her to Adam as his wife. Marriage was valid in Old Testament times without a Roman priestly blessing. There is no reason to think that someone has to have a 'Christian wedding' for their marriage to be valid.

Oceansmile,

Do you think he might be interested in going to some other church with you? Then the issue for the family would be his leaving popery, rather than your wedding ceremony.

oceansmile said:

Yes, unfortunately their views are in line with Catholic teaching. Two non-Christians can marry each other and be married. Two Protestants can marry each other and be married. But a Catholic MUST be married in the Catholic Church or they are not.

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So....what has changed his conviction? He wasn't concerned about getting your marriage blessed by the church when you got married (what I'm understanding is that a Catholic *can* marry a non-Catholic....just that they need it "approved"). Is is all the noise his family is making?

Also....I don't think that all Catholic churches are still of the opinion that CAtholics cannot marry anyone besides another Catholic. This is from an article I had found:

Theologican Robert Hater, author of the 2006 book, “When a Catholic Marries a Non-Catholic,” writes: “To regard mixed religion marriages negatively does them a disservice. They are holy covenants and must be treated as such.”

Starting from the premise that God blesses all marriages, Father Hater offers a pastoral approach to dealing with the difficulties Catholics face in marrying someone from another faith background. How can both spouses beliefs be respected? How can comments and even interference from friends and relatives be answered?

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This is the book that's quoted from:
Amazon.com: When a Catholic Marries a Non-Catholic: Robert J. Hater: Books
This is written by a Catholic priest....and isn't about the Catholic converting the non-Catholic....but, respecting their beliefs.

He's gone to church with me before but says he will always be Catholic. He also does not like a lot of Protestant churches because "they say Catholics are going to hell." I'm not sure what churches he's visited but he is adamant about lots of non-Catholics hating Catholics and saying they aren't Christian. Personally, my view is there are a lot of Catholics who are saved and a lot who aren't. Same with Protestants. But apparently he's had some bad experiences, and yes, has said he was raised Catholic and always will be.

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There are lots of churches that teach false things....that's why we need to do our own homework, like the Bereans---in order to know what lines up with the Bible and the nature of God.

I know he questioned his salvation when we first met and when I gave him the Biblical view (not the Catholic view), he was...relieved. Like, "Wow, that's it? But that's not what I've been told." I know Catholics officially teach salvation by grace but in reality I think they tend to focus on works.

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Yes....from what you're saying....works like "you must place your seat in our pews.....and follow our man-made rules." What verse is that, I wonder?

Originally Posted by LinkH
Maybe you could consult with one of their priests online and find out if the family's ideas really are in line with Roman Catholic teaching.

Yes, unfortunately their views are in line with Catholic teaching. Two non-Christians can marry each other and be married. Two Protestants can marry each other and be married. But a Catholic MUST be married in the Catholic Church or they are not.

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I hope that your husband holds the Bible in higher regard than some men that put their interpretation on religion.

Where in the Bible does it say that
A Catholic MUST be married in the Catholic Church or they are not?

I am not a Catholic but I am sure they do a lot of good. However, if their spiritual statements can not be backed up by scriptures then it does not have the authority of scripture.

Catholic, Protestant and other churches have made great mistakes in the past. For instance the Catholic Church used to hold the position that only the Catholic Priests and other Catholic holy men could interpret the Bible. They also sold forgiveness to get money for the church. Forgiveness is not a matter of who has the most money.

As I have said all churches have made big mistakes because they are not infallible. The bible is the final authority in my faith. I hope your husband believes that also. Be very careful about making any church the final authority in all areas.. Even the Apostle Paul had to correct the church in Galatia

Galatians 3:1
O foolish Galatians, who hath bewitched you…

I hope that you and your husband will forget your churches for now and with all humility and sincerity go before God together in prayer and ask Him to lead you to his truth in His word or in His way. Pray that God will prepare your heart and your husband’s heart so that you can come to Him for wisdom and guidance. He is so much more reliable than church men’s interpretation of God for you.

There maybe a time that the Church will be of great encouragement and help to you but by what you wrote the churches you mentioned are not presenting scripture to back up their positions.

sdmsanjose said:

I hope that your husband holds the Bible in higher regard than some men that put their interpretation on religion.



I hope that you and your husband will forget your churches for now and with all humility and sincerity go before God together in prayer and ask Him to lead you to his truth in His word or in His way. Pray that God will prepare your heart and your husband’s heart so that you can come to Him for wisdom and guidance. He is so much more reliable than church men’s interpretation of God for you.

There maybe a time that the Church will be of great encouragement and help to you but by what you wrote the churches you mentioned are not presenting scripture to back up their positions.

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Everything Stan said is excellent......I just wanted to quote this for emphasis. There are excellent Catholic teachers (as there are excellent Protestant teachers)....but, there are also many false teachers in both. IMO....one of the MOST dangerous beliefs to hold onto is, "my denomination (or specific pastor) has it 'right'." Pastors/preachers/priests can believe lies (as the verse Stan quoted said....."bewitching' them)....and then pass those lies onto their congregations. We need to learn to seek truth for ourselves (and hopefully with our spouses).

ITA with his suggestion of seeking out the truth through God...prayer....and His word.

Since you mentioned that you are struggling with your faith over this......this may be a sermon you would find helpful--it's on counterfeit Christianity and how to spot the inferior copies compared to the genuine.

Sermon Network - FBC Alpharetta : James K Walker Counterfeit Christianity
(it's the sermon by James Walker--Counterfeit Christianity---dated Nov 6)

"For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect," (Matt 24:24).

"Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and the time draweth near: go ye not therefore after them." (Luke 21:8).

sounds like your in a hard spot. have you asked if he could go to your church and his take turns like. let him know that your faith is important to you and you respect his but you really like your faith. i feel for a relationship to work you do need same values and morals and church background and if something is blocking you to have a loving relationship then you need to sit and talk about how to make it work if you both love eachother

oceansmile said:

Thanks, everyone.

This whole thing makes me head hurt, really.

He same some things last night about the Catholic Church being the original church put in place by Jesus, so I know I have no chance of "winning" this. And frankly, I don't want to go to church anymore, with him thinking Protestant churches are fake impostors, going against the will of God. I mean, how can you argue with Matthew 16:18? But I just can't believe that the Catholic Church even remotely has most things correctly.

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The "church" isn't a specific denomination....it's those that are aligned with God's will---God's agenda that He (Christ) laid out in His final days (recorded in Luke 24:36-49). The original church is recorded in Acts 1....it began in Jerusalem. Peter was Jewish.

Then they returned to Jerusalem from the hill called the Mount of Olives, a Sabbath day’s walk from the city. 13When they arrived, they went upstairs to the room where they were staying. Those present were Peter, John, James and Andrew; Philip and Thomas, Bartholomew and Matthew; James son of Alphaeus and Simon the Zealot, and Judas son of James. 14They all joined together constantly in prayer, along with the women and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with his brothers.

15In those days Peter stood up among the believers (a group numbering about a hundred and twenty) 16and said, “Brothers, the Scripture had to be fulfilled which the Holy Spirit spoke long ago through the mouth of David concerning Judas, who served as guide for those who arrested Jesus— 17he was one of our number and shared in this ministry.”~Acts 1:12-17

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Have you asked him (your hubby) what he wants to do about the two of you having different beliefs? (I know that would have to be a scary question...but, until it's asked, I would think you're going to remain in this sort of limbo land.)

Oceansmile......I just got back from Bible study, and our study happens to be on the book of Acts. We read chapter 10 today, and I really believe it addresses a lot of questions about the early church.

Some things that really stood out to me were:

Opening his mouth, Peter said: "I most certainly understand now that God is not one to show partiality, but in every nation the man who fears Him and does what is right is welcome to Him." ~v 34-35

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Of Him all the prophets bear witness that through His name everyone who believes in Him receives forgiveness of sins.” v. 43

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Also....the Church remained undivided for about 430 years. At that time, several denominations split off on their own---all able to make the claim that they were "the original church". But.....I guess none of that matters if your husband's ears (and mind) are closed to that.

I think the solution to this issue is far simpler than it's being made out to be.

He's uncomfortable with your church and beliefs, but he got married in a ceremony consistent with your beliefs. He was able to put that aside to give you the ceremony that reflected you and your faith.

I'd think the fair and equitable thing is that you do the same and participate in the ceremony that does the same for him and his faith as your ceremony did for yours in your faith. It will resolve the issues of your concerns about how your marriage is viewed and it'd, I'd think, be a nice way to extend a show of faith towards your husband and his needs. If need be, sit down with whomever you'd need to sit down in with in his church and find out how you can appease the family without compromising your beliefs.

That said, after the ceremony, his family will find something else to use to pick at you. And if you have children, the issue of confirmation and baptism will come up. So while this solution will solve that problem, it won't fix the overriding problem of his overbearing family.

This is where you guys need to work on some resolution. He does need to step up and defend you, and if not you, at least your marriage. Otherwise, the parents will always be interjecting themselves. Counseling will help, for both of you, either religious or secular. But even with this problem solved, you guys need to strengthen your unity so that he can help defend you to his family. And really, it's something he needs to do, not you.

oceansmile said:

Thanks, everyone.

This whole thing makes me head hurt, really.

He same some things last night about the Catholic Church being the original church put in place by Jesus, so I know I have no chance of "winning" this. And frankly, I don't want to go to church anymore, with him thinking Protestant churches are fake impostors, going against the will of God. I mean, how can you argue with Matthew 16:18? But I just can't believe that the Catholic Church even remotely has most things correctly.

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Attacking the gates of Hell is aggressive warfare against Hell. Abandoning Biblical doctrine to bow down to statues of dead people is not attacking the gates of Hell. It's letting the Devil attack.