Need Advice

[hewillguideme]

My mother was the first to instill in me a belief in Jesus. And through every dificult time in my life, her advice to me would include, "Give your worries over to the Lord. He will take care of you no matter your struggle." Sound, Christian teaching I think, but that's where it stopped. I didn't grow up in church, nor were the scriptures read or taught to me. But I've never been angry about that. As an adult, I am now on a journey to a deeper relationship with my Savior and I hope to learn more and more each day.

I am now 27 and happily married, and my mother angrily refuses me if I say those same words to her when she is hurting or struggling. She says, "I've been preached to my whole life! I don't need you preaching to me too!"

I'm posting in hopes that you'll have some insight and advice for me. This is a complicated situation of course...not one I can easily explain in one post. I know you'll have questions for me so that you can fully understand my predicament before giving your advice. So please, ask away...I'm eager for your help and I am a sponge for knowledge and insight.

 

[ian]

Hi,

I need love, acceptance, understanding and patience most when I am struggling and when I am in trouble. Preaching helps but I believe in a very Limited way...maybe sometimes Preaching dun help at all...but I know love, acceptance, understanding and patience always helps...

a note of appreciation, a hug, a kiss, a concern phone call, a letter, a prayer, an e-mail, a gift, time spent together, a encouraging verse and etc.

A verse from God is better when the verse comes alive in your life and in mine.

hope it helps
thanks
ian

 

[leastone]

Hi HeWillGuidMe

First, I praise God that you are sincerely seeking to know the Lord Jesus more deeply! As I read your post I was assured in my spirit of your sincerity and of His great love for you, and I am writing this from that place.

It sounds as if your mother has been hurt in her past - very possibly from other Christians - and probably feels that the Lord has let her down. As we all know, disappointment with God, whether deserved or not, is a major cause of not wanting to be "preached at". The very best thing you can do is to truly love her by keeping her lifted up in prayer. So many Christians do not realize that we cannot save anyone, we cannot convict anyone, and we cannot drag anyone into His Kingdom. Only the Holy Spirit has the power to change a person's heart, thus only He can lead anyone to Christ, convict of sin or convince them of their need for the Lord in their life. He uses us for sure, often despite our doing the wrong things, even if for the right reasons. But true love never fails...by the simple act of giving up your time and energies to sincerely pray for her, you show your love; believe it or not, without you ever saying a word to her about it, she will in time sense that love in her spirit - and in you - and you will begin to notice a change in her.

I say this from experience. My wife came from a very dysfunctional family; abusive, unloving, cruel, manipulative...you name the bad thing and her parents were that way with their children. Each of them (3 girls and 1 boy) grew up feeling unloved and unlovable. The first half of our marriage I endured a tremendous amount of verbal abuse from her (a long story which I won't go into), and spent much time in prayer asking His guidance in how to love her. The result is that she is now a very loving person with such sweet spirit that I still get tears when I praise the Lord for bringing us together (we have been married 30 years). Her brother spent most of his life in and out of jail - usually for drug abuse. It took 7 years of constant daily prayer - and showing our love for him by always being there for him - but he is now saved and completely changed. Love never fails...but it can take a while!

The Lord Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and our Father God are all gentlemen. Far more than we appreciate at times, they respect our wills and do not usurp them without our permission. Sadly, as Christians (because we are human), we are not always so kind to one another. Many times as I have prayed for what to do with or for someone - when I did not know how to reach them - the Lord has told me, "Just be their friend".

I hope this helps. And if you ever want to talk about how to develop that closer relationship with the Lord, I will be more than glad to share what I have learned.

LeastOne

 

[hewillguideme]

Hi ian, thanks for your reply...

I better clear something up quick about my first post. The full extent of anything I say to my mother regarding God is, "Give your worries over to the Lord. He will take care of you no matter your struggle." And she snaps back with, "I've been preached to my whole life! I don't need you preaching to me too!"

I don't preach, I don't beg her to go to church, I don't force the bible on her, I've never even quoted a verse to her.

Just two kind sentences said from my heart.

If I were not her daughter, she wouldn't choose to have me in her life. She doesn't like me very much at all. Anytime I ask her how she feels about something, anything at all...who does she want to win the World Series, does she like the news anchor's tie, what does she think about the space shuttle going up again, has she ever tried the generic brand of washing detergent...

9 times out of 10 she'll hault the discussion with anger, hang her head like she's wounded to make me feel guilty, and she loves to tell me "Shhhhhhh" really really loud, or say "My God, you just love to debate and argue with me and I'm not going to take the bait!"

No debate. Just asking her what she thinks.

And then now this, with me saying back to her the comforting words she gave to me growing up. "Give your worries over to the Lord. He will take care of you no matter your struggle."

(she's married, to my father for 36 years, she's already been through the change of life 10 years ago, she's retired and has a ladies lunch with her friends quite often)

**by the way - my brother is never talked to in this way, ever - infact, she'll scream at me to "Shhhh" while letting him talk on and on about anything. (he is 9 years my senior)**

Hope that helps describe the situation a little more.

Thanks SO VERY MUCH for your help. I really need it.

 

[hewillguideme]

Have to add, this is not a new development with her. She's been this way to me since I was a kid. It's just to a boiling point within me now that I struggle to even be in her presence for very long because she makes me feel so bad about myself. She has no respect for me and I can feel it with every glare and Shhhhhh.

 

[hewillguideme]

Thank you leastone!

After talking to you, ian, and other CF members, I am definetly going to change the way I pray about the situation.

Any advice on how to act when I am with her? I mean, I have to make myself a completely different person when I am with her. I am usually a happy, inquisitive person with a smile on my face. When I'm with her, she's only happy if I sit silently and listen to her tell me how much she hates her sister and brother and will never forgive them. **there's a kicker with this - she'll say how much she hates her sister, then in the next breath, she'll say how much I am just like her** Essentially telling me how much she hates me. ::throws hands up in the air:: I don't know what I'm doing to be so hated!?!? (I don't know my mother's sister well at all)

 

[hewillguideme]

Sorry to go on and on with this...but...need to add that she very often says, "I will NEVER forgive them for that!" In regards to anyone that has ever done anything unchristian like. (one of her friends, her brother, her sister, an old boyfriend of mine, a girl i use to be friends with, my adopted son)

So I'm guessing I've done something and become something so HORRIBLE to be forever unforgiven as well?!?! (sure I've made mistakes in my life - but everyone does) She holds grudges permenantly.

Do you think it's possible that she's feeling guilt over something in her life, has not been forgiven for it or doesn't think she has, so she feels she needs to doll out the unforgiving attitude to everyone else?

Then I should pray for God to show her how to forgive and feel forgiven.

 

[leastone]

Hi HeGuide Me:

I'm guessing I've done something and become something so HORRIBLE to be forever unforgiven as well?!?!

No, blessed one. You have done nothing wrong. And before I continue, know this: The Lord loves you so much! I mean that as sincerely and seriously as I can say it...Each time I read your posts I get such a strong sense of His love for you! My prayer this very moment is that you will receive and know beyond doubt and grow daily in His great love - just for you. Because oh, does He love you!

But you have done nothing to deserve your mothers bitterness. It sounds as if that bitterness - which has grown and festered from her long unwillingness to forgive - began long before you even came into this world.

You cannot change your mother; and sadly, you may not ever see her change (although I would not give up praying for her because God is a God of miracles). But most importantly is for you to grow closer to the Lord Jesus and allow Him to heal you! As that happens, as His Life grows in your life, you will find that no matter what your mother says, you will have only love for her - because of the sweetness of His love in you.

Any advice on how to act when I am with her?

My advice? When she starts ranting about the other people she "hates", I would get up and - if possible (because she may not be one of those who allows it) - give her a hug, tell her you love her as nicely as you can, and leave the room (or the house if necessary.)

My wife's mother is very much like your mother and it has taken a long time for my wife to accept the fact that no matter what she did, her mother (and father) would not accept her. But by allowing the Lord to heal her - and finally realizing that it was not her fault for how her parents acted - she is able to get on with her life.

"God so loved the world that He gave...", and Jesus so loves His fellow men that He sacrificed Himself for them...yet as we see daily, the world does not love God in return and all men do not love Jesus. Still that hatred does not change God's love, nor Jesus' love; it does not even affect their great love.
If anything, it makes their love all the greater and more remarkable.

One final thing: before you even go over to your mother's house, pray for the Lord to go before you and fill that house with His Presence - His Love and His Peace; most importantly, ask the Holy Spirit to rise within you and surround you with His Presence, to saturate you so that all who come into your presence would sense His.

And let nothing move you from that Peace you have with Him and in Him.

You are so loved!

LeastOne

 

[hewillguideme]

I'm in tears. The love that God has for all of you and for me is shining through right now. I see it. I really do. And somehow, I feel like I can handle it.

I'm going to spend a few hours tonight in my bible, and journaling about my feelings. Thank you all so much. God bless.

 

[onetruth]

PRAY FOR HER. Many times we spend so much time trying to fix things and we forget the most important thing, prayer. Spend much time praying for her, ask others to pray for her. You may not reach her but i know someone who can , all you have to do is be faithful ask and believe he will answer, pray for her

 

[Gift_of_God]

Actions always speak louder than words! Sometimes you can only witness to someone through your actions.

 

[Purpletigy]

I agree with leastone. Sweetie, remember that this is not about you even though she would make it seem so. She is indeed bitter. She has taken a judgement vow against her brother and sister. Your mother is in torment. Prayer is the best thing you can do for her. Bind up bitterness and unforgiveness. Bind the spirit of hate as well. When she is feeling down, acknowledge her pain. Such as: "When I hear you speak, I hear frustration and hurt and anger in your voice over what your brothers and sisters have done to you. I just want to tell you how sorry I am and how sad it makes me to know you are hurting." this will help defuse her, but if she doesn't back down and starts shushing you and being mean, just as Leastone said, if she starts into her ranting and raving, leave. You don't have to put up with verbal abuse.

 

[Gift_of_God]

I think that the best way you can love a person is to pray for them. They may not know it, but you and God know; that's all that matters!

 

[momluvsjesus]

You have a very sweet spirit and it's very heart warming
I just wanna say that you're getting some great Christian advice and I know God will make this situation better for you. I am in a similar place with my mother in law and I've seen how prayer can improve even the worse of relationships. Never stop praying for her, especially when you're going to be around her. When I know my mom in law is coming or I'm going to see her, I pray about it for weeks. The closer it gets to the day I'm going to see her, the more peace and joy (believe it or not!) I feel about being with her. When we spend time in prayer with the Lord, we began to take on His qualities...and we really see that we are more than conquerors!

 

[purple_people_eater_21]

Hey there,

I guess different people will tell you different things, probably from what works best for them. And God bless their hearts for wanting to help you out. I will not tell you what I would do in the same situation because, chances are, it won't work for you. All I can do is encourage you. You obviously have a heart to reach your mother for the Lord, and He will bless that (he has already said that he will). Just pray. That's as simple as it is. Maybe the God she knows is a wrathful and vengeful God. Pray for Him to show Himself to her with peace and lovingkindness. He is so incredibly faithful, none of us can possibly comprehend.

Phillipians 4:6-7 says;
"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

All you need to do is offer it up in prayer to God. That's it. These things and actions may well follow, but if God's not in control, then it's all pointless. It's all through Him, not us.

I hope that everything will work out well, and I'll pray for your mother and you. God will work things out, as I said before, He's already promised He will.

God Bless
Karl

 

[purple_people_eater_21]

I hope that I didn't sound too rude in that last post. I am thankful that so many people here are loving enought that they have been convicted to share some helpful advice. God bless you all for your hearts for Christ.


God Bless
Karl