Need advice on when to file...

[kanga22]

What benefit is there to filing for divorce? I would reconcile if dh ever wants to (but I doubt he ever will). He claims to have no desire to work on our marriage now or in the future. His actions in the last year are my proof of this. He loves being out of the house and is dating whomever he pleases without regret. He has a woman who wants to marry him. Although, I don't think he is looking to settle down again or plans to meet her requirements for him to do so.

For now, I'm fine with just living a seperate life from dh while he does whatever he wants. So far his actions don't affect me much. He still gives me his entire paycheck so I can pay the household bills and feed the kids. I'm happy to just sit on this situation until something changes, but do I need to be better prepared for a change? Is there benefit to legal seperation? Do I need to protect myself in some way legally and/or financially that I'm not seeing yet? There may even be a need for protection from a jealous husband as dh is fooling around with married women.

I know we will get a divorce someday, but I'm in no hurry unless it would be detrimental for me to wait. Currently we are very amicable with each other. That doesn' mean it will never turn nasty. In my opinion, dh has lost his mind(please pray with me about this) so he is probably capable of turning on me one day. But, as it is now, I could go for years like we are. I have no plans or desire to date other people. I am going back to college soon, plan to secure a full-time job in my field, and possibly re-locate.

So, am I not seeing some potential danger that I should be aware of? I know you aren't necessarily legal professionals, but you have expert life experience regarding this. I'm not ready to pay an attorney to tell me how I can make him rich with my divorce proceedings, just yet. So, any advice about unforeseen problems (child custody and/or support, division of property, my share of his inheritance etc.) would be greatly appreciated.

 

[tryingtobeagain]

Not sure about the laws of the US Kanga but here are some things that go throughmy mind:

- could he be racking up debt that you would be partially responsible for?
- without a custody aagreement he could lawfully take the children and not return them.
- his financial obligations may not be equal to what he is currently giving you (you could get less)
- Are there any other activities that he may be doing that you don't want yourself associated with?

That's all I can really think of riht now, but I would say at least talk to someone about it. Good luck!

 

[FLANDIDLYANDERS]

Tru dat, also you may be in for a loooooooong ride with the divorce courts, so start it rolling as soon as you can. My stuff is straight forward and we still wont be seperated within 6 months of filing (only 4 months to go now -- woo hoo!).

 

[KJVisTruth]

I would advise, as soon as possible, for your own good. My ex was completely civil, sending money and agreeable at first and now is completely uncooperative, a totally different person. He definitely turned nasty, lol. He tried to make me partly responsible for his debt, which he racked up AFTER our separation. As long as you are still married to your ex, they wont care if you had nothing to do with it. I was fortunate that I was released of that debt, I had to show proof that I had no control over his finances, and that in fact we are getting divorced. And that was just one story...

Besides, if your husband decided to file first... it can be used against you.

 

[Gimpy]

Will, he go for counselling? Does he attend the same church as you or do you attend church? Have you had any prayer teams pray for your marriage?

 

[kanga22]

Will, he go for counselling?

No, he refuses to consider counseling. He is done with our marriage; has no desire to work on it. We are both fine with staying married for now and living our seperate lives. We are not telling our family or friends about our decision until we need to.

He doesn't live with me and the kids (because of his work) and he is pursuing other relationships. But, I take his entire paycheck to the bank and use it to pay bills. I'm sure I will get less money from him when a judge decides how much he should be giving us.

Does he attend the same church as you or do you attend church? Have you had any prayer teams pray for your marriage?

He is not a christian and doesn't attend church. He told our children that there is no God. The kids have been very resistant about attending church because of Daddy's beliefs. Yes, I have had individuals and prayer circles praying for our marriage for quite a while.

 

[kanga22]

Besides, if your husband decided to file first... it can be used against you.

How can it be used against me? Does being "legally seperated" protect me from his debt? When we are legally seperated, does a judge decide anything about support and custody?

 

[danette]

I'm wondering ...do u realize if he's out with one of his hoes.(sorry...i just have strong feelings about home wreckers)..and gets killed in a car wreck ....u will be held responsible for the costs of burying the no good.....? ive been in your shoes...and it just about killed me....if it werent for Jesus and alot of prayer it probably would have....

 

[KJVisTruth]

How can it be used against me? Does being "legally seperated" protect me from his debt? When we are legally seperated, does a judge decide anything about support and custody?

Its not fair, but the courts tend to look favorably on the ones who filed, and you would end up fighting for what you deserve/want, but as a defendant. Cost-wise, from some people I know and my own experience, its cheaper to be a plantiff than a defendant. Its just my own experience. However, if divorce is the right thing to do, why wait? It could be years before its final. *ahem* several years myself, including separation, and its not over yet.

I am not sure if legal separation protects you financially, I doubt it.. because they tried to go after me for his debt anyway, and we were already into the divorce process.

Sometimes a judge will make the decisions if theres no agreement. If theres no agreement, everybody would go to court and get it settled. It really depends on how well it works out for you. Some people never needed to go to court, they just signed papers in their lawyer's office and filed. It also all depends on how cooperative your husband would be (or not)... some states do not require legal separations. You definitely will need to do some research.

Cheapest route.... go to Nevada and get a quickie divorce. I wouldnt recommend it though.

 

[kanga22]

Its not fair, but the courts tend to look favorably on the ones who filed, and you would end up fighting for what you deserve/want, but as a defendant. Cost-wise, from some people I know and my own experience, its cheaper to be a plantiff than a defendant. Its just my own experience. However, if divorce is the right thing to do, why wait? It could be years before its final. *ahem* several years myself, including separation, and its not over yet.

I am not sure if legal separation protects you financially, I doubt it.. because they tried to go after me for his debt anyway, and we were already into the divorce process.

Sometimes a judge will make the decisions if theres no agreement. If theres no agreement, everybody would go to court and get it settled. It really depends on how well it works out for you. Some people never needed to go to court, they just signed papers in their lawyer's office and filed. It also all depends on how cooperative your husband would be (or not)... some states do not require legal separations. You definitely will need to do some research.

Cheapest route.... go to Nevada and get a quickie divorce. I wouldnt recommend it though.

Okay, thanks for all the great advice. You've pointed out some important things for me to consider, and I appreciate it. I will do some more research for my specific state, and maybe talk to a lawyer. I'm pretty sure, in my state, that custody of children has to go through the courts whether the husband and wife want to work that out themselves or not.

 

[Gimpy]

My advise is Pray, pray and pray some more.

 

[Brotherfromanothermother]

Some GREAT points have been given.
Going through the process currently
myself. The ex and I are amicable
(mostly). You can / we are filing
without attorneys and are in agreement
on most things (except ending the marriage)
Long story.
We have children and self filing takes that
into account. For research sake look into
do it yourself divorce online. We used
www.completecase.com .
Also go to your states child support site
and use their calculator to determine how
much he'd be responsible for. As far as I
know after 10 years (that's the magic number
as I understand it) you have rights to pensions
and such unless you release interest in them.
Legal separation does provide financial protection.
I have never understood why someone would
choose that over divorce though, if you know
you're headed that direction anyway.