need advice now!

[cheerarrow]

Is anyone available to chat right now? I am a young married female who needs advice. My husband is addicted to internet pornography and has been lying to me about it. Please let me know if you can give me some perspective.

 

[bliz]

I'm not sure what you want...

From a Christian perspective, your husbands actions are sinful and will be or are very destructive of the marriage relationship.

All men do not view porn. The use of it is not "normal" (though hardly a man exists who has not seen some porn, intentionaly or otherwise). Porn is not a guy thing that women just don't "get". The typical porn user will need to view increasingly violent or perverted porn to get the same thrill he used to get from nude photos. Heavy use of porn tends to kill off normal sexual desire.

Porn is also incrediby addicting and breaking addictions is very hard work. It requires his willingness to stop and almost always, some professional help. The fact that he is lying to you about using porn is a pretty good indicator that he is not willing to stop at this time.

You are not over-reacting or being hysterical. If you are feeling betrayed, undervalued, cheapened, those are pretty common and natural reactions when one's spouse uses porn.

I'd be glad to answer specific questions or just "listen"... also, feel free to PM me or anyone else on this site you feel comfortable with.

 

[Vilnius]

I echo the previous poster's comments. Be glad to offer assisstance in directing you where to go from here.

 

[InTheFlame]

In addition to what others have said -

First, it isn't the end of the world - marriages can and do get through this sort of thing. I'm not trying to downplay the severity of the problem, but to provide some reassurance that you and your marriage can get through it.

Second, it's very unlikely to have anything to do with any perceived shortcoming or failure of yours. In other words, you could be a supermodel who's a super housewife and dynamite in bed and that wouldn't make any difference to the interest he has in porn.

Third, you'll probably get the best results if you look at this as a problem that needs to be solved as a team. I DON'T mean you should be doing all the work! but that you're married, and any problems of his are problems of yours, and vice versa. Saying something along the lines of 'this is YOUR problem, and you have to fix it, or else!' isn't going to be as helpful as 'you know, this is causing problems for both of us - what can we do about it?' (counselling would be my first bet - either with your pastor or with a christian counsellor)

Fourth - *huggggggggggggggggggggg* I'd be needing a few hugs if I was in your situation right now.

 

[heartnsoul]

I also agree with Bliz' post. I am very sorry to hear about your husband's porno addiction. I am sure you must feel devastated. Here's a big hug from me. I would definitely recommend that both of you seek marital counseling to work through his addiction. It may also be helpful for your husband to also join a "sex addiction" recovery group so he has others around him who understand him and can help hold him accountable. It takes time to heal from any addictions...so you will need lots of patience. It would be a good idea to have a serious "heart to heart" conversation with your husband about your concerns about his porno addiction. Speaking the truth in love with him and sharing with him your own personal feelings about it. He also needs to understand that getting help to conquer the addiction is very important, not only for your marriage but his own personal walk with God. Above all else, pray hard for you and your husband. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that your husband seeks help soon and may God intervene to heal your husband and your marriage. God bless you.

 

[Gwenyfur]

I'll be praying for you and your hubby.

Feel free to pm or email me. I can usually also be found on the IRC link here at CF as well.

 

[growingupinhim]

tell him to sign up for settingcaptivesfree.com, from the mens board I heard this is a good site..
Yes porn is terrbile, evil indeed..aprox 70% of all american men view porn from every once in while to addict, as well as much as 30% percent of women as well..most recently due to the internet, as well as bi-sexuality and homosexuality among women growing rapidly..hmm i wonder where they get the idea (hintorn which is against Gods plan for mankind)
May we all pray for those women and men who sell thier souls to darkness, and those who produce it for the love of money..which is the root to all evil.

 

[Evie]

tell him to sign up for settingcaptivesfree.com, from the mens board I heard this is a good site..
Yes porn is terrbile, evil indeed..aprox 70% of all american men view porn from every once in while to addict, as well as much as 30% percent of women as well..most recently due to the internet, as well as bi-sexuality and homosexuality among women growing rapidly..hmm i wonder where they get the idea (hintorn which is against Gods plan for mankind)
May we all pray for those women and men who sell thier souls to darkness, and those who produce it for the love of money..which is the root to all evil.

mmhhmmm,my husband was telling me about this awesome websites,heard many tesimonies about it! praise the Lord!

 

[Yitzchak]

That type of thing thrives in secret. I would reccomend that you go to your pastor and get some men from the church involved. Your husband will be embarrassed and probably angry but just might get some help that he desperately needs.

 

[lancers1990]

Check out www.xxxchurch.com. It is a site all about beating porn addiction.

 

[Mrs. Enigma]

Yeah, go to www.xxxchurch.com . It is free.
Before he was a Christian my hubby was into porn but he has been completely free from this for a good number of years. I think Michael Pearl of "no greater joy" ministries wrote a super article on pornography that your hubby should read.

If your hubby is addicted to internet porn I would highly recommend that you get rid of the internet all together if it continues to be a stumbling block for him.
TV and magazines with scantily clad pics of girls on them need to stay out of the house too.
Josh Harris wrote an excellent book called NOt Even A Hint. If you could get him to read that, it may help, too.

 

[Jonteel]

Now, this may not apply to you.

On Focus on the Family, there was an anti porn minister that said (I paraphrase) a husband doesn't need to see anyone nude except his wife. Meaning that mom should be daddy's main focus. He also meant that if mom takes care of Dad, he will never return to porn.

He also said that most mom's have one neligee, and it is made in Moosjaw Alaska. Obviously, he is joking. I think his point is that Mom needs a better uniform for bed time sports. I'll try to get this ministers name and post it.

I remember also that when David Wilkerson was about to move to New York city to establish "Teen Challenge." This story is from the CRoss and the Switchblade" Anyway, an old minister told Davie's wife that she needed to be extra sexy because the prostitutes in New York would be looking good and enticing Dave away from God and into having sex. Now, that may seem a bit harsh, but think about it.

Sex is the magnet that holds a marriage together. Or, it can be the magnet that tears it appart.

If you are a sexy giving wife, then the husband needs mental help.

 

[bliz]

On Focus on the Family, there was an anti porn minister that said (I paraphrase) a husband doesn't need to see anyone nude except his wife. Meaning that mom should be daddy's main focus. He also meant that if mom takes care of Dad, he will never return to porn.

He also said that most mom's have one neligee, and it is made in Moosjaw Alaska. Obviously, he is joking. I think his point is that Mom needs a better uniform for bed time sports. I'll try to get this ministers name and post it.

This story is from the CRoss and the Switchblade" Anyway, an old minister told Davie's wife that she needed to be extra sexy because the prostitutes in New York would be looking good and enticing Dave away from God and into having sex. Now, that may seem a bit harsh, but think about it.

Sex is the magnet that holds a marriage together. Or, it can be the magnet that tears it appart.

If you are a sexy giving wife, then the husband needs mental help.

I have made bold the statements that say, in various ways, that if a man turns to porn or prostitutes it is the fault and responsibility of his wife who is not sexy enough or giving him enough sex. "If you were sexier, honey, I wouldn't need to look at pictures of naked women."

Once again we have an example of a man blaming the sins of some men on women.

How do you explain the interest in porn by men who have numerous sexual partners? How do you explain the preference for porn in men with incredibly attractive wives who wear sexy nightgowns? It's explained becasue these men prefer the picture to a living breathing woman. The women in porn do whatever men want. They do not express their preferences or make any sexual demands. The women of porn always want sex whenever he wants sex.

Are men exempted from their marriage vows if the wife gains some weight or likes to sleep in a flannel nightgown?

No!

A man looking at porn is doing so becasue he chooses to. I can be very sympathetic with how addictive it can be and the struggle to quit, but I have no sympathy or patience with the fiction that men turn to porn because their wives don't "put out" enough!

 

[Yitzchak]

I have made bold the statements that say, in various ways, that if a man turns to porn or prostitutes it is the fault and responsibility of his wife who is not sexy enough or giving him enough sex. "If you were sexier, honey, I wouldn't need to look at pictures of naked women."

Once again we have an example of a man blaming the sins of some men on women.

How do you explain the interest in porn by men who have numerous sexual partners? How do you explain the preference for porn in men with incredibly attractive wives who wear sexy nightgowns? It's explained becasue these men prefer the picture to a living breathing woman. The women in porn do whatever men want. They do not express their preferences or make any sexual demands. The women of porn always want sex whenever he wants sex.

Are men exempted from their marriage vows if the wife gains some weight or likes to sleep in a flannel nightgown?

No!

A man looking at porn is doing so becasue he chooses to. I can be very sympathetic with how addictive it can be and the struggle to quit, but I have no sympathy or patience with the fiction that men turn to porn because their wives don't "put out" enough!

I have to agree 100% with this. As a man, I am not more tempted to use porn based upon my wife's attractiveness or sexual behavior towards me. That is just an excuse that some men tell themselves.

On the other hand, it is not always as simple as just plain lust. there are usually psychological roots that cause porn to be the choosen outlet for unresolved issues. That is why it is best to have a professional counselor to work through the issues with. A man can possibly overcome temptation by shear will power. But that will not acheive and intimate relationship with his wife or with God.

Bottomline. There is something broken on the inside of a man who uses porn. That needs to be fixed. It is not within the power of his wife to fix that. It takes God working with the man to work through a process where he becomes whole. That in biblical terms is called sanctification or holiness.

 

[heartnsoul]

I also agree to the above two posts by Bliz & Yitzchak. EXCELLENT POSTS!! It's too easy to shoulder the blame to someone else. As Christians, we are to be responsible for our own walk or *fall* with God. Temptations are just that--temptations. What about the women who are handicapped and can't have sex? Does that mean the husband will have to resort to pornography because the wife is incapable of having sex? Where is the logic in that? Or what about all the ugly women in the world? Should they get plastic surgery, breast implantations and face lifts to look more superficially (worldly) attractive for their husbands? I don't think so!

Let's get back to the basics again. As the saying goes, "beauty is only skin deep." Marriages require commitment from both spouses. It's not only a commitment to one another, but MOST IMPORTANTLY, it's a commitment to honor God as well. I pray that those who have addictions of any sort, will seek professional help and turn their lives over completely to God. May God be the driver in everyone's lives and may His love and mercy fill our souls with love, peace, and joy. May we live lives to bring glory unto Him.

 

[bliz]

Bottomline. There is something broken on the inside of a man who uses porn. That needs to be fixed. It is not within the power of his wife to fix that. It takes God working with the man to work through a process where he becomes whole. That in biblical terms is called sanctification or holiness.

Great paragraph! Excellent point!

 

[llo1968]

I have been going through the same thing with my husband. I will say it has been a long process and we are still dealing with it. My husband is struggling through believing in God and being Christian. I am doing my best to encourage and help him. However, the point I wanted to make was that I am reading an excellent book By: Fred and Brenda Stoeker and Stephen Arterburn It is called "Every Heart Restored". The book is written for the wives who are dealing with their husbands sexual addiction. It is excellent. It explains that his addiction has nothing to do with you personally. I always thought it did, prior to reading this book. I have been trying to lose weight and do things to look more attractive, because I thought it was because of me. It isn't! It had nothing to do with me. He was into porn long before he met me. He still doesn't seem to think that there is anything wrong with it. Little by little he has been getting rid of it. It started last summer. We (he asked me to help him-I felt rather honored that he trusted me enough to do that with him). We filled up a big box and together threw it out in our dumpster. So all the videos are gone now. He has several books on sex, positions, masturbation stories, swinger stories, biographies on some of the porn stars, a book on public love, etc. etc. He just decided to get rid of a couple of them. So little by little, he is getting rid of it. I am proud of him for that. It has been a slow process but at least I can see progress being made. That book has been excellent. I also read "Every Man's Battle" and "Every Woman's Desire" (which basically are for the men but it helped me to understand the guys side of things a bit.

May I ask if your husband is a christian or not?

Also, I just wanted to mention, that whatever you do, DO NOT NAG him about it. That will only make matters worse. It forced my husband to get sneakier and sneakier about it. Be willing to listen to your husband if he is willing to discuss it with you. I don't think wives understand the difficulties behind the addiction let alone stopping. I am not by any means happy about him reading those types of books, let alone reading those kind of stories on websites about masturbation, and swinging, etc. I just know that fighting with him and being in constant confrontation about it, is not healthy either. I really think the book "Every Heart Restored" would help. If you don't want to purchase it, check with your local library.

I hope that helps. Feel free to email me if you would like!

Laura

Here is another HUG

Take care of yourself!!!!!!!!

 

[Jonteel]

Ok. Let me see if I can understand this. You are saying that we are not to blame a wife if her husband is dabbling in pornography.

Where did you get that?

I quoted two ministers, and both had positive advice for putting an end to porn. The one quote came from the book, the Cross and the Switchblade. It was advice from a Minister. The second was from Focus on the Family. Dr. Dobson may have made a mistake in putting this anti porn minister on the air, but that is highly unlikely.

We have a situation that involves pornography and the seduction of a husband. I thought that the two quotes were perfect considering the situation.

So, what you see is a situation where blame is being placed. I didn't place any blame. If you come into this situation and feel that blame must be placed, then you have imported your own ideas. Don't read foreign issues into my quote.

I recently quoted a doctor that suggested a cure for diabetes. I saw a situation and knew a quote that I felt would be appropriate. By making the quote, I was not imputing blame. I was providing an expert's advice on how to remedy the situation.

This situation is the same.

So, as I see your post, you do not feel that a woman can help to change or exchange inappropriate sexual activity into appropriate sexual activity.

Since the suggestions were made by two ministers, and not by me, I could care less if you attack them. But, I find something interesting in your attack.

An expert (that is renowned enough to be invited onto Focus on the family,--- for the express purpose of airing his theory) on pornography makes a suggestion, but it is rejected. Since it is the offering of an expert, it deserves some consideration.

But, apparently, you feel it is such a stupid idea, that instead of considering it, you have chosen to attack it. You don't even want others to consider the fact that this might be a valuable strategy in the war against porn.




I consider any more time on this matter a waste of time, so I won't be returning to view your response.