Need Advice Badly

[inhisservicealways]

Hello, everyone. This is my first time on this forum.

I have a tremendous burden. Several years ago, while in Mexico, I became drunk and committed adultery; I slept with a prostitute. Nobody knows about this except for me.

This has burdened me for years. I've prayed about it and asked God's forgiveness. I have never done it again, and I never will. The shame I have felt over this act is overwhelming.

I've never told my wife. And I'm not sure that I should.

Our marriage is going better than ever. We have three children. We are living a wholesome Christian life and are active in our church and community.

Part of me feels that my wife has the right to know about this, and, on several occasions, I have come close to telling her.

The other part of me feels that I love my wife and children so much, and it would be foolish of me to tell her, and bring our family into instability and grief.

While I'll admit that I am afraid of the consequences of telling myself about this, I am more fearful of seeing the devastation in her eyes. I don't want to hurt her. I know I'll never do this again.

I guess my big dilemma is this. I already suffer because of my actions on a daily basis. The guilt is still there, though I THINK God has forgiven me. Why should she have to suffer as well, when I know I'll never do it again.

Your advice is greatly appreciated.

 

[SavedByGrace3]

Your problem is very very common... you are not alone in this area.

First let's deal with your relationship with God.
You have repented and confessed to God. Therefore 1 John 1:9 is talking to you.

1Jo 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us [our] sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Notice who is being faithful and just here. It is Him, not you. This is a cornerstone principle of the Christian walk. He forgives you and cleanses you based on His faithfulness not yours. He has forgiven you. He did not lie, and like it says, He is faithful (even when we are not). Settle that in you heart and mind brother. You are OK with Him.

Now for you.
You have to forgive yourself. Yes you did wrong. But you have seen that and have corrected your life both within and without. It is much harder for us to forgive ourselves than it is to get right with God. I know it is painful and it tears at your guts sometimes. You may even feel like this has ruined your life, and even that God has not forgiven you. But He has... you just have not forgiven yourself. What you have done here is actually very important. You have told people about it. You are not internalizing it and "eating" it. You are making an outward issue of it, which is a very important step toward forgiving yourself.
I cannot tell you what to do with regards to your wife. I can only say that I could never tell my wife such a thing. It would kill her. It would hurt her greatly... more then she could stand. But I cannot tell you what to do. I can only ask what would the benefit of telling her be? Some else might say to tell her. Some people say it actually helps their marriage. By telling her you are baring a part of yourself that only you and her share. If she loves you, and I assume she does, she will see how much you are hurting and that you need her to forgive you also. Perhaps this is what you need to do before you can forgive yourself.
In the end, I suggest you get professional counceling from a pastor or close family member like a dad or a brother. It is easy for us on this thread to throw out wisdom by the handful... but please deal with this. Get resolution and closure on it. Don't go through the rest of your life feeling this way.
God Bless.

 

[inhisservicealways]

Thank you. I've come to a similar conclusion. But, what keeps jerking me back into not being able to forgive myself is the verses that deal with confessing our sins to others.

 

[SavedByGrace3]

Thank you. I've come to a similar conclusion. But, what keeps jerking me back into not being able to forgive myself is the verses that deal with confessing our sins to others.

Is that not what you are doing here!

In all honestly... I cannot say I "love" you in the same way your wife would and certainly not like God does. But the word says for us to love our neighbor as we would love yourself. I would forgive my neighbor. I would therefore have to forgive myself. If I, who do not know you, can forgive you.... then you certainly can forgive yourself. Throw it down bother. Let it go. He has.
I could say that you are no worse than anyone else on this dirt ball of a world, but I suspect you know that. We sometimes put expectations on ourselves that we would never put on other people. I have to be the perfect Christian, the perfect father, the perfect husband, the perfect son. And then we sit back and watch as each of these expectations fall into ruins and with it our self respect and self love. Jesus said to love your neighbors as yourself... but you do have to love yourself. Would you put your neighbor through years and years of torment? I know you would not.

Take a deep breath and let it go. Ask the lord to heal your soul of this wound and start climbing again! I can feel the love of the Lord toward you now and want you to share with somthing from the spirit of Christ within me.

"I have loved you with a great love... I know your fears, your sorrows, the self doubt and pain that is eating at you. I have felt your pains and regrets. Release these things into the sea of forgetfulness. Let them go into the nothingness that is the forgiven past. Set your heart and mind on Me. I will never forsake you. I never have."

 

[sracer]

inhisservicealways, have you prayed about it? If so, in what direction is the Holy Spirit guiding you?

Search your heart... what is your motivation for wanting to tell your wife? What is your motivation for wanting to keep it from her?

When King David committed adultery with Bathsheba, he committed another sin (the murder of her husband Uriah) to try to cover it up. That's an example of what happens when we try to hide our sins ....we get deeper and deeper.

And even though God will forgive our sins, as that story of David and Bathsheba shows, we are not absolved of any consequences.

Have you committed other sins in the past to cover up and hide the adultery?

I don't have an absolute answer for you, but just a few things to pray about. And remember, if you are a born-again Christian, you are no longer a slave to sin, but as Paul said in Romans 6:17-18, "But thanks be to our God that you were the slaves of sin, but you have obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine to which you were delivered. [18] Then being made free from sin, you became the slaves of righteousness."

Do you feel like you are a slave to that sin? (Based on what you've written, it sounds like it)

Then the issue becomes... are you holding on to the guilt of that sin because the enemy wants you to feel condemned and therefore cause you to be a less effective witness for Jesus... or is it the Holy Spirit nudging you to do what you need to do?

Pray for discernment brother... God is faithful and He'll guide you.

 

[inhisservicealways]

Dear brethren,

Thank you for your advice on this matter. You have really blessed my heart with your answers. I just wanted to say that before I leave this forum.

Please do two other things for me:

First, please accept my original post as my confession to you.
Second, please say a final prayer for me.

I'll not be returning to this post, as I need to put this behind me once and for all.

God bless.

In Christ,
inhisservicealways

 

[Pink Angel]

Well the only thing I can say is that you will feel guilty untill you come out and just get it off your chest. You are feelin guilty because the person that needs to know the most is the one you do not wish to tell, your wife. So untill you let her know you will have that guilt. I hope I have helped. I am praying for you .

-Pink Angel