I am here because I need advice and guidance from a Christian´s perspective. I don´t go to church and it is much easier if I write this out then speak to someone. My issues are complicated and a have many things I want to share and discuss with you. Prepare, sorry this is VERY long...
This is my story, (mostly based around my depression).
I am 18 years old (turning 19 very soon), live in Australia and I am not a Christian. However, I do very much believe there is God, the devil, good, evil, heaven and hell, but I am not Christian. My other family members are currently Catholics. We were originally as a family, Buddhists. During the time while my father was sick we turned to Jesus for help... we wanted him to get better and we had hope. This was 5 years ago. Unfortunately he passed away, but during the time he was sick he saw good things that cannot be explained. I believed he saw these things and that´s why I believe there is a God and that my father is now in God´s Kingdom. All my family members (five others), converted to Catholics... except for myself. I had not converted but was very open to the religion. I sometimes attended church with my family and we would have deep discussions about Christian topics. My family assumed that I had completely converted that they told me to act certain ways, to do and not to do certain things. It felt like ¨rules¨ that I had to follow but did not entirely agree with. The pressure made me turn the other way and soon later I felt a hatred towards God and the religion. A year later after my father passed away, I was coping and felt that I had moved on but something in me changed. I was no longer afraid of death or dieing. I did ¨not care if I died¨, and I even remember telling my friend this. Two years later I had my first anxiety attack. I had an argument with my sister about a computer. I got so mad that I wanted to hurt myself. I tried hurting my hands with metal wiring. This only caused redness, and small cuts. Sounds strange but to me it felt ¨good¨ and l liked what how it looked. This happened again days later from a similar argument. I remember going into the bathroom and looking at myself in the mirror, I stared into my eyes. I could see red veins and they were pinky from crying. There was so much hatred in me I could see it in my eyes, I thought evil was making me feel this way. Sometimes I felt mad and have to leave the house. I would walk around the shopping mall for the whole day until it closed. It was only temporary relief from my anger. When I got home, I was mad again and was throwing things around, privately. This lasted about two weeks and I felt myself again. I had no idea how serious it was at the time. One year later I had another anxiety attack, this time because another sister told me she will buy me a puppy but she didn´t buy me the specific puppy that I wanted (sounds like nothing now but I was really upset at the time). I cried all day. I went into my room and started cutting little bits of my flesh from my arm with scissors. It left scars which I still have today. My episode stopped. At school, my grades started dropping. My final year of high school began, I was very excited to finish and move on to focusing on my career. Each month got harder. I felt depressed all the time. I wasn´t passing two out of five subjects. I was finally aware that I was depressed and needed help. I went to see a doctor but she didn´t take me seriously. She told my mum not to worry and that my condition wasn´t serious. Mid-year I broke down. I stopped going to school, and went by myself to shopping malls instead so my family thought I was still going to school. One night, I didn´t want to come home so I stayed at a park in my neighborhood. I starred at the moon and felt at peace. I loved the being in the dark. I imagine myself just being alone forever at night with no stress, pain, suffering. I still want that now. It´s my dream world. For two weeks I did this.. eventually my family found out and I was yelled at. I stayed in my room crying. I felt like I couldn´t think or move, like I was literally going mad or insane. I wanted to die. My mum said some really mean things to me which I still remember and cannot forgive her for. I hated myself and the world. I hated God and my mum for giving me life. I started cutting myself again, each time was easier then before. I got urges to do it. There was an anger inside of me and each cut releases a little bit of this anger until I was calm I stopped. I didn´t really have the strength to take my own life. The next year I went back to school, but an adult school trying my chances again to graduate. I was not confident all and feared of a repeat of last year. Turns out it was. During the year I was very depressed and had many suicidal thoughts. Around the same time as last year, I dropped out of school. Had been the closest ever to actually killing myself. I cleaned my room, took a knife from the kitchen and sharpened it. I even tested it on my arm if it needed more sharpening. I never cut deep enough but thank goodness I reconsidered my plans. I didn´t want my friends or family to suffer and I had no reason to die, other then because I was ¨tired of living¨.
Here I am months later telling you this. Was it too long? I hope I didn´t blabber on too much. I am telling you this because I think that the darkness is winning me over. I´m attracted to it. I enjoy listening to heavy dark music. As years pass, the music seem weaker, I start craving heavier music. Sometimes I am unsure whether my thoughts are my own or influenced by the dark side. I am not a bad person, I don´t want to be. I never smoke or drink and I am a very nice caring person in real life, but deep down I have so much hatred towards God, people, society, and even my family. At times I feel I don´t need anyone or God, just myself. Back to my point... a couple of nights ago I considered suicide again after an argument with my mother. I googled ¨how to commit suicide¨ (all the suicide ways I can think of are painful and messy). I clicked on one of the links and it lead me to a site which told me to not kill myself and that I will go to hell if I do and the only way I can be saved is through the Lord Jesus Christ. I had this fear rush over me. (Even though I used to tell myself and my family that I did not care if I went to hell, I used to think of hell as a joke place where I was forced to do lots of exam papers for eternity) At that moment, that fear made me want to reach out to God and made me believe I need him in my life. The trouble is that I still don´t understand him, I still have hatred and darkness in me. I don´t know how to change my negative thoughts into positive ones. Please help me, I dont know what I should do?
There are more things that I have left out and feel I should mention but that was way too long I don´t even want to re-read what I just wrote....
This is my story, (mostly based around my depression).
I am 18 years old (turning 19 very soon), live in Australia and I am not a Christian. However, I do very much believe there is God, the devil, good, evil, heaven and hell, but I am not Christian. My other family members are currently Catholics. We were originally as a family, Buddhists. During the time while my father was sick we turned to Jesus for help... we wanted him to get better and we had hope. This was 5 years ago. Unfortunately he passed away, but during the time he was sick he saw good things that cannot be explained. I believed he saw these things and that´s why I believe there is a God and that my father is now in God´s Kingdom. All my family members (five others), converted to Catholics... except for myself. I had not converted but was very open to the religion. I sometimes attended church with my family and we would have deep discussions about Christian topics. My family assumed that I had completely converted that they told me to act certain ways, to do and not to do certain things. It felt like ¨rules¨ that I had to follow but did not entirely agree with. The pressure made me turn the other way and soon later I felt a hatred towards God and the religion. A year later after my father passed away, I was coping and felt that I had moved on but something in me changed. I was no longer afraid of death or dieing. I did ¨not care if I died¨, and I even remember telling my friend this. Two years later I had my first anxiety attack. I had an argument with my sister about a computer. I got so mad that I wanted to hurt myself. I tried hurting my hands with metal wiring. This only caused redness, and small cuts. Sounds strange but to me it felt ¨good¨ and l liked what how it looked. This happened again days later from a similar argument. I remember going into the bathroom and looking at myself in the mirror, I stared into my eyes. I could see red veins and they were pinky from crying. There was so much hatred in me I could see it in my eyes, I thought evil was making me feel this way. Sometimes I felt mad and have to leave the house. I would walk around the shopping mall for the whole day until it closed. It was only temporary relief from my anger. When I got home, I was mad again and was throwing things around, privately. This lasted about two weeks and I felt myself again. I had no idea how serious it was at the time. One year later I had another anxiety attack, this time because another sister told me she will buy me a puppy but she didn´t buy me the specific puppy that I wanted (sounds like nothing now but I was really upset at the time). I cried all day. I went into my room and started cutting little bits of my flesh from my arm with scissors. It left scars which I still have today. My episode stopped. At school, my grades started dropping. My final year of high school began, I was very excited to finish and move on to focusing on my career. Each month got harder. I felt depressed all the time. I wasn´t passing two out of five subjects. I was finally aware that I was depressed and needed help. I went to see a doctor but she didn´t take me seriously. She told my mum not to worry and that my condition wasn´t serious. Mid-year I broke down. I stopped going to school, and went by myself to shopping malls instead so my family thought I was still going to school. One night, I didn´t want to come home so I stayed at a park in my neighborhood. I starred at the moon and felt at peace. I loved the being in the dark. I imagine myself just being alone forever at night with no stress, pain, suffering. I still want that now. It´s my dream world. For two weeks I did this.. eventually my family found out and I was yelled at. I stayed in my room crying. I felt like I couldn´t think or move, like I was literally going mad or insane. I wanted to die. My mum said some really mean things to me which I still remember and cannot forgive her for. I hated myself and the world. I hated God and my mum for giving me life. I started cutting myself again, each time was easier then before. I got urges to do it. There was an anger inside of me and each cut releases a little bit of this anger until I was calm I stopped. I didn´t really have the strength to take my own life. The next year I went back to school, but an adult school trying my chances again to graduate. I was not confident all and feared of a repeat of last year. Turns out it was. During the year I was very depressed and had many suicidal thoughts. Around the same time as last year, I dropped out of school. Had been the closest ever to actually killing myself. I cleaned my room, took a knife from the kitchen and sharpened it. I even tested it on my arm if it needed more sharpening. I never cut deep enough but thank goodness I reconsidered my plans. I didn´t want my friends or family to suffer and I had no reason to die, other then because I was ¨tired of living¨.
Here I am months later telling you this. Was it too long? I hope I didn´t blabber on too much. I am telling you this because I think that the darkness is winning me over. I´m attracted to it. I enjoy listening to heavy dark music. As years pass, the music seem weaker, I start craving heavier music. Sometimes I am unsure whether my thoughts are my own or influenced by the dark side. I am not a bad person, I don´t want to be. I never smoke or drink and I am a very nice caring person in real life, but deep down I have so much hatred towards God, people, society, and even my family. At times I feel I don´t need anyone or God, just myself. Back to my point... a couple of nights ago I considered suicide again after an argument with my mother. I googled ¨how to commit suicide¨ (all the suicide ways I can think of are painful and messy). I clicked on one of the links and it lead me to a site which told me to not kill myself and that I will go to hell if I do and the only way I can be saved is through the Lord Jesus Christ. I had this fear rush over me. (Even though I used to tell myself and my family that I did not care if I went to hell, I used to think of hell as a joke place where I was forced to do lots of exam papers for eternity) At that moment, that fear made me want to reach out to God and made me believe I need him in my life. The trouble is that I still don´t understand him, I still have hatred and darkness in me. I don´t know how to change my negative thoughts into positive ones. Please help me, I dont know what I should do?
There are more things that I have left out and feel I should mention but that was way too long I don´t even want to re-read what I just wrote....
