Naive Friend

[MusicMelOU]

I have a friend who has been single for a while, and she is a recovering alcoholic. She met this guy in her AA group, and she's totally smitten with him and, well, he just doesn't sound like a great guy with great motives.

He's 21 and he told her that he has millions of dollars stored in various trust funds and stocks and stuff like that. So, she was impressed. Then later he told her he wanted to get married within 6 months and if he did he wanted it to be from AA (not to mention this whole "I'm going to take my wife to Europe" stuff). Now he's telling her that she should not come back to Oklahoma to finish school, and well, she's believing him and willing to stay with him. And he's already wanting to have sex with her and his reasoning is "well I want to marry you anyway". They have only known each other for 2 weeks!!! It's obvious what he wants (at least to me). She's so naive about it!!!

She's a very smart girl (booksmart) but has no common sense when it comes to this kind of stuff. I've prayed about her so much latelyI've told her how me and everyone else feels about it (that he's got alterior motives), but she's off in lala land. What am i to do? She doesn't seem to know Christ very well either. I've brought Christ into the conversation and she agrees with what I say and that's about the extent of it, but she doesn't seem to know Him through her actions. What else can I do? Anything? Please pray for this situation!!! Thank you.

 

[fishstix]

Pray hard and keep trying to talk some sense into her. Also ask her to think about whether she would want to be married to someone who will meet a woman and pressure her to have sex within a few weeks. That doesn't sound to me like a guy who would become a faithful husband... All the money in the world won't make her happy if she ends up in a miserable marriage, assuming that he's even telling the truth about that.

 

[Krystina661]

All you can do is talk to her and say how you feel about the situation. Do you truly know the intentions of this guy? Do you really believe that your friend is naive with no common sense? If so.. this may be a lesson she'll have to learn on her own.

 

[klewlis]

Man I see this every day in my field. And really, there is little to nothing that you can do except pray, and tell her how you feel (as you already did).

What she needs is counselling... both for her addiction and for relationships.

Recovering addicts going to meetings and finding more recovering addicts... most of them have emotional problems to begin with (hence the addictions) and have been through a lot of other junk in their lives. The girls especially will attach themselves to the first nice or hot guy they meet, and don't realize they are only in for heartbreak a few weeks later. Then they continue to find guys who will "love" them, even for a short time, and even if abusive. I know a girl who dated a guy on and off who beat her, raped her, cheated on her, abused her in other ways... and she still thinks he's a good guy. And the key thing is that there is no talking her out of it... it's just not possible. She has to figure this out on her own (or with a counsellor).

I would say wait it out--as long as they aren't planning to get married right *now*, chances are they will break up in a very short time.

 

[jenptcfan]

Pray for her as much as possible, talk to her about it as much as possible and LISTEN to her as much as possible. She's probably clinging to this guy because she has a bigger void in her life. Be there for her and give her a sounding board.

You sound like a good friend and I'm sure she's lucky to have you. Worst case scenario, she will fall into this trap, have sex with him, he'll get tired of her and move on. If that happens, be there for her to lean on because she's going to be really hurt. I don't think he's really going to marry her.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

Wow! I'm really sorry to hear about your friend. Not to sound redundant but definitely keep praying.

Unfortunately, when someone with insecurities or other issues in their lives finds someone who will pay them some attention, sometimes the blinders come on and this 'love interest' can do no wrong in their eyes. I know...I've been there. I'm not a recovering alcoholic, just a girl who has had a VERY LOW self-esteem most of her life. It used to be that when a guy was 'nice' to me, I'd be all excited thinking that he TRULY cared about me. Now, I'm not saying that I jumped in the sack with him but when my friends/family saw really bad flaws in him I heard what they said with my ears but not my heart/mind. It didn't sink in sometimes until my heart was 'broken' as they say.

I think another thing with your friend is that she and this man have something in common with their alcoholism and she may have this delusion that them both dealing with the same issues will make them stronger for each other. As they say....two wrongs don't make a right. I think someone trying to deal with something as serious as alcoholism has no business in a serious relationship....to me, there is too much chance that they could 'get their heart broken' and return to the bottle for comfort.

I also hope things end before they end up having sex. If he's an alcoholic, who knows what else might be lurking in his past. You may even want to bring that up...the dangers of having sex with someone you hardly know (besides the obvious moral issue here). There is chance of catching something she would have to live with for the rest of her life....something she would regret more than anything later. My mom (who is not a Christian) once said that you would need to be 'willing to die for someone before having sex with them.' The context of her conversation at the time was in reference to AIDS and the risk of it (she's a nurse who has dealt with AIDS patients in their last stages) but I think a variation of that comment would apply to anyone thinking about sex outside of marriage, especially if they aren't a Christian and aren't swayed into making the RIGHT choice by knowing God's Word. Sorry for the long post....had a lot of thoughts here.

 

[klewlis]

I think someone trying to deal with something as serious as alcoholism has no business in a serious relationship....to me, there is too much chance that they could 'get their heart broken' and return to the bottle for comfort.

This of course depends on what stage of recovery each is in... many people who attend addictions meetings have been sober or clean for years, but they still attend because they recognize that addictions are for life... so they could in fact be very stable. But you're right that in most cases, they need to be focusing on their recovery, not on new relationships.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

Yeah, my comments were in reference to someone who hasn't been there for very long. My thoughts were from the point of view of someone who is battling her own addiction....food. ;-0

 

[Ceris]

All I can say is that what the others have suggested is very good advice.