I wrote this about a year ago....
I was homeless before i went into the military...I went into the military solely for money, because i didnt have any at the time....I got a wife eventually, drank too much and worried about money too much to really do anything for her, I lost her (divorce)....So i gave up everything for money, before going into the military, and then Lost everything
i had, that was important to me, because of Money......I also smoked pot and did some coke while in, that luckily, i never got in trouble for...
Before the Lord, I was a cold person, didnt talk to my mom, because she stole some money from me (in my eyes). I Didnt tell people i loved them, didnt really care how i treated them, No one paid me attention anyway (my family)? so why do any of that stuff? So I come home (from the military) thinking, hey its gonna be great, my family is all down here, me and my cousin are starting a company, im going get ton a of money, then get a nice car, get another wife etc...
i always had fun with my family..you know how it is..you dont like some people in your fam but they are a blast to hang out with sometimes, etc.
well i get down here, and within a year most of my family has moved away...so all those great bbqs i heard about while in the military i wasnt going to get to join in like i wanted while i was in. I really wanted to be a part of the bbqs because no one came to visit me while i was in the military. Now i know most of it was probobly my fault for them not wanting to come visit but they always claim to be the "bigger" people and yet they showed that isnt the case...they always said "we dont have money, we have health issues" but i get here and they travel a few times and nothin changed (health wise/money wise)...so i became resentful toward those who moved away.....
Let me just say this about money,how can you strive to "always get money" when in an instant it can be taken away? I strived for the same thing, until i lost 67K on my Birthday because of some fraudsters that went through our credit card processor....No one is saying dont work, and dont work hard to provide, but dont strive for it because thats how easy it is to lose
So anyway...We go into business (me and my cousin), he doesnt listen to anything i have to say (business things) because he is cocky arrogant "im the best at anything" "im mentally superior than 95% of people" thinking type of person, and this is what he portrays by his actions and words., No one in my family listens to what i have to say (just about random things)....i always got the "well if you didnt talk a certain way", and "its not what you say but how you say it" type of remark when i tried to explain stuff.............So then i began to take a step back and think ok well is it really me or what? So i conducted a experiment to see if it was......I made sure i watched my tone when talking, made sure i wasnt getting as mad as quickly as i would before...and it didnt help i still got the same treatment...So now i begin to plot against all these people.
my cousin is a smart guy dont get me wrong but because he acts the way he does it makes me, and i think it would make anyone, not take his advice and he thinks All the advice he gives is golden and thinks that no one directly involved with him (random people that we see on tv/ random people in the world) is as smart as him, but i was going to show him because he kept disrespectin me, and im a veteran, who is he to do that, who do he think he is, he is just some high school drop out who acts like he is so mentally superior because he prolly always got told "well if you cant stick with high school you cant stick with anything/ or your not smart"(this is what i was thinking to myself) so i said to myself ill show him if he keeps disrespectin me, ill show him he shouldnt have done that by beating him at his own game and being more mentally superior than him (I started plotting against him) ......Anyway, just like what the devil does, aka he cant physically make you do something but he can cause a series of events to happen based upon how he knows you will react, well thats exactly what i was going to do........So he was having trouble with this guy (a different story all in itself lol) and i know he reacts in an anger "ima beat him up, cuz im a tough dude blah blahb" type of way.....So i would set him up (based upon the story in itself it would have been easy), because he has asked for my help in possibly killing him (he said he would do it to this guy numerous times before) but i wouldnt have gone, then i would have followed him while he went to go do it, called an anonymous tip from a drop cell phone (i have many), he would have killed him by then and the cops would have caught him red handed, Then while he is sitting in jail and I am making all the money from our business i would go in there and tell him everything that happend, there would be no chance of him getting out, he would have been caught in the act, And i would have said to him "was it worth it to act how you act" (during my experiment i wrote down wrongs people did to me just to prove that they would say one thing when they felt like playing the victim, for whatever reason) and he would Know at that point, that I beat him and he would have to live with that his whole life, the rest of the family would be "sad" and his family (kids and wife) would all be scattered, but i wouldnt have cared, those people did me wrong, its wat they get, i thought.......it never got to that (i got saved before i did any of that)...So then we start getting money, but im still lonely, So i start getting hookers because i was so lonely and sleeping with random chicks.....Screwed a few, was jealous of my cousin because he has a wife who is what a wife should be, yet he lusts after other women, thinks he can screw any woman he wants, among other things.....Then i started worrying because of the hookers/random chicks I screwed, man what if i got aids, or herpes? My stomach starts bothering me, which intestinal stuff like that is a symptom of aids, and was just generally worried that if i did have something that i wouldnt be able to get a wife/gf because of some temporary loneliness that i wanted to satisfy with some random hookers/chicks.......So i go take a test and find out i dont have anything. i truly told God (ive always believed there was a God) once my results were read that i was very thankful and wouldnt (i told myself this) get another hooker/random chick, because a)..i didnt need that stress and b)..that would have sucked if i did have a STD (i can put myself in deaths shoes, I have experienced death numerous times when i was a kid, was extremely sick, had surgeries, pneumonia more times than i can count, allergic reactions to random things, and all before age 7-10, when i was a kid i looked at people and pictured, "do they have people that will love them when they die"?, "are they worried about death"?, and just really curious about how other people viewed death and what they think of themselves when it came to it..are they scared of it? etc).............
So everything is clear (std test) etc.....So now curiosity about health starts weighing heavy on my mind and I always would hear how "i just knew something was wrong, i went to the hospital, and sure enough i was having a heart attack" so i began to wonder, how will i know? will i know or will i just take the pain (i bear whatever is bothering me, ive always done it) and end up dying because i was too "tough" to go to the hospital...i never really stated anything like this to people, just always in my head by myself, just thinking like most people do when they are by themselves....So i got real bad diarrhea for a week or so and right away i start thinking "o great i got tested with a dirty needle and now i really do have aids and now im having diarrhea and i know that something is wrong now", well after a few days i thought it went away....i didnt have diarrhea 10 times (roughly) a day now, it was down to maybe 1 or 2 times and my stomach didnt hurt for the first time in days.....Well the next day it all rushes back and i start having diarrhea again like i never missed a day of having it, then i had a resurrection of requests/thoughts/feelings.....I wanted to know "how will i know that i should go to the hospital" and thats exactly what i was Showed, So as im writhing in pain in my Bed I was laughing while praying to God/The Lord and i said "thanks for letting me know how i will know that something is wrong with me and i should go to the hospital"..at that moment i had no more diarrhea or stomach pain, instantly went away........So a few wks goes by, and me and my cousin are riding in the car and we are sittin there makin fun of Someone who was a God freak or a bumper stick about the Lord or something like that and he said something really ignorant, he said "ya the reason i dont believe in God or go to church is because i was forced to go when i was kid" and i just thought that was a really ignorant statement for someone who holds themself as "smarter than the average person"...he basically said, like a little kid would, i dont like it and you cant make me do it, and crossed his arms while sitting there, like a little kid would.........Thats pretty close minded for someone who claims to be "very open minded"...I was the same way, kind of....i went to a Christian middle school and never read the Bible, Sure i used it to get good grades in Bible class but never took it upon myself to actually read it......Well thats exactly what i did, And when i read the NT and finished it in about less than week i felt all my "problems" go away.....My Rage (a big part of my life before) obscenity every other word (people who know me, know that I make up cuss words/phrases), plotting, love of money, lusting/porn/trying to get some (that wasnt in a marriage way) was so far from me.....For someone to go from obscenity every word to nothing in a flip of a coin is pretty significant, considering that i have tried not to cuss before and could never do it.......Plus what i read in the Bible it was only logical (a whole other story lol) to believe Jesus Christ Actually walked this earth, rose again, etc, to think that "why would these people willingly die for Christ if it wasnt true", If Christ said he was Going to do something He would tell you and then go do it (something i hardly saw anyone do in my life/family) so if he did that why would he be lieing about anything else, and a lot of other things that fit into the "other story"....Also different things like death i learned about....Death is compared to sleep, Look at how quickly 8+ hours pass when you sleep (all you remember at night is you go to sleep then next thing you know your awake 8+ hours later), That puts it in persepctive what to expect at the time of death and the resurrection Christ talks about...you die and as soon as you would be waking up to go to work you would be part of one of the 2 resurrections (no people dont go to heaven right when they die, a common lie to make people "feel" good) .....Also Christ Talks about How when this world passes we wont remember it.....So let me ask you, Can you remember what you argued about at this same exact time, on this same exact day 18 years ago????of course not, the only thing ANYONE in their Life remembers, is the major life events that made them into the person they turned out to be......That kinda puts what Christ said in perspective now doesnt it?? There are many other examples like this but these are just a few i have discussed..........So once i asked CHrist in my life I started praying, and guess what My prayers were getting answered, So hey i thought, ima keep doing this because i like when someone acknowledges me like He does....do you know what its like to be in a room full of people who say they love you and not feel loved? I do, when i would be in a group with my family i felt exactly that, which is another reason Why Im not ashamed nor care what they think about Me, If i was All alone before, I wont be alone anymore even if those people continue to still do what they do......I was still smoking weed at the beginning of my salvation (i was saved prolly about a couple weeks before 'easter' in '11) So i asked Christ to let me know whether i can still smoke or not, I told him I gave up weed for money/the military so i have No problem givin it up for Him if that is the case, espcially after everything He showed me/did for me already....So i learned that when the Bible Repeats something a few times that its important (for example, Jesus life and ministry is almost word for word in the first three books of the NT) so after that prayer i read 2 or 3 times (in different spots) i cant remember exactly how many times, that it says we should keep a sober mind, and i havent smoked weed since...People can say "well alcohol doesnt help you keep a sober mind" and what i say is that One Drink doesnt cloud your mind like One or 2 hits of Pot does....In order to not have a sober mind with alcohol you have to have a lack of self control in order to get drunk, which the Bible also commands us (numerous times) to Be in Self control........this (in a nutshell) is how I was called by God the Father to Christ....
I was homeless before i went into the military...I went into the military solely for money, because i didnt have any at the time....I got a wife eventually, drank too much and worried about money too much to really do anything for her, I lost her (divorce)....So i gave up everything for money, before going into the military, and then Lost everything
i had, that was important to me, because of Money......I also smoked pot and did some coke while in, that luckily, i never got in trouble for...
Before the Lord, I was a cold person, didnt talk to my mom, because she stole some money from me (in my eyes). I Didnt tell people i loved them, didnt really care how i treated them, No one paid me attention anyway (my family)? so why do any of that stuff? So I come home (from the military) thinking, hey its gonna be great, my family is all down here, me and my cousin are starting a company, im going get ton a of money, then get a nice car, get another wife etc...
i always had fun with my family..you know how it is..you dont like some people in your fam but they are a blast to hang out with sometimes, etc.
well i get down here, and within a year most of my family has moved away...so all those great bbqs i heard about while in the military i wasnt going to get to join in like i wanted while i was in. I really wanted to be a part of the bbqs because no one came to visit me while i was in the military. Now i know most of it was probobly my fault for them not wanting to come visit but they always claim to be the "bigger" people and yet they showed that isnt the case...they always said "we dont have money, we have health issues" but i get here and they travel a few times and nothin changed (health wise/money wise)...so i became resentful toward those who moved away.....
Let me just say this about money,how can you strive to "always get money" when in an instant it can be taken away? I strived for the same thing, until i lost 67K on my Birthday because of some fraudsters that went through our credit card processor....No one is saying dont work, and dont work hard to provide, but dont strive for it because thats how easy it is to lose
So anyway...We go into business (me and my cousin), he doesnt listen to anything i have to say (business things) because he is cocky arrogant "im the best at anything" "im mentally superior than 95% of people" thinking type of person, and this is what he portrays by his actions and words., No one in my family listens to what i have to say (just about random things)....i always got the "well if you didnt talk a certain way", and "its not what you say but how you say it" type of remark when i tried to explain stuff.............So then i began to take a step back and think ok well is it really me or what? So i conducted a experiment to see if it was......I made sure i watched my tone when talking, made sure i wasnt getting as mad as quickly as i would before...and it didnt help i still got the same treatment...So now i begin to plot against all these people.
my cousin is a smart guy dont get me wrong but because he acts the way he does it makes me, and i think it would make anyone, not take his advice and he thinks All the advice he gives is golden and thinks that no one directly involved with him (random people that we see on tv/ random people in the world) is as smart as him, but i was going to show him because he kept disrespectin me, and im a veteran, who is he to do that, who do he think he is, he is just some high school drop out who acts like he is so mentally superior because he prolly always got told "well if you cant stick with high school you cant stick with anything/ or your not smart"(this is what i was thinking to myself) so i said to myself ill show him if he keeps disrespectin me, ill show him he shouldnt have done that by beating him at his own game and being more mentally superior than him (I started plotting against him) ......Anyway, just like what the devil does, aka he cant physically make you do something but he can cause a series of events to happen based upon how he knows you will react, well thats exactly what i was going to do........So he was having trouble with this guy (a different story all in itself lol) and i know he reacts in an anger "ima beat him up, cuz im a tough dude blah blahb" type of way.....So i would set him up (based upon the story in itself it would have been easy), because he has asked for my help in possibly killing him (he said he would do it to this guy numerous times before) but i wouldnt have gone, then i would have followed him while he went to go do it, called an anonymous tip from a drop cell phone (i have many), he would have killed him by then and the cops would have caught him red handed, Then while he is sitting in jail and I am making all the money from our business i would go in there and tell him everything that happend, there would be no chance of him getting out, he would have been caught in the act, And i would have said to him "was it worth it to act how you act" (during my experiment i wrote down wrongs people did to me just to prove that they would say one thing when they felt like playing the victim, for whatever reason) and he would Know at that point, that I beat him and he would have to live with that his whole life, the rest of the family would be "sad" and his family (kids and wife) would all be scattered, but i wouldnt have cared, those people did me wrong, its wat they get, i thought.......it never got to that (i got saved before i did any of that)...So then we start getting money, but im still lonely, So i start getting hookers because i was so lonely and sleeping with random chicks.....Screwed a few, was jealous of my cousin because he has a wife who is what a wife should be, yet he lusts after other women, thinks he can screw any woman he wants, among other things.....Then i started worrying because of the hookers/random chicks I screwed, man what if i got aids, or herpes? My stomach starts bothering me, which intestinal stuff like that is a symptom of aids, and was just generally worried that if i did have something that i wouldnt be able to get a wife/gf because of some temporary loneliness that i wanted to satisfy with some random hookers/chicks.......So i go take a test and find out i dont have anything. i truly told God (ive always believed there was a God) once my results were read that i was very thankful and wouldnt (i told myself this) get another hooker/random chick, because a)..i didnt need that stress and b)..that would have sucked if i did have a STD (i can put myself in deaths shoes, I have experienced death numerous times when i was a kid, was extremely sick, had surgeries, pneumonia more times than i can count, allergic reactions to random things, and all before age 7-10, when i was a kid i looked at people and pictured, "do they have people that will love them when they die"?, "are they worried about death"?, and just really curious about how other people viewed death and what they think of themselves when it came to it..are they scared of it? etc).............
So everything is clear (std test) etc.....So now curiosity about health starts weighing heavy on my mind and I always would hear how "i just knew something was wrong, i went to the hospital, and sure enough i was having a heart attack" so i began to wonder, how will i know? will i know or will i just take the pain (i bear whatever is bothering me, ive always done it) and end up dying because i was too "tough" to go to the hospital...i never really stated anything like this to people, just always in my head by myself, just thinking like most people do when they are by themselves....So i got real bad diarrhea for a week or so and right away i start thinking "o great i got tested with a dirty needle and now i really do have aids and now im having diarrhea and i know that something is wrong now", well after a few days i thought it went away....i didnt have diarrhea 10 times (roughly) a day now, it was down to maybe 1 or 2 times and my stomach didnt hurt for the first time in days.....Well the next day it all rushes back and i start having diarrhea again like i never missed a day of having it, then i had a resurrection of requests/thoughts/feelings.....I wanted to know "how will i know that i should go to the hospital" and thats exactly what i was Showed, So as im writhing in pain in my Bed I was laughing while praying to God/The Lord and i said "thanks for letting me know how i will know that something is wrong with me and i should go to the hospital"..at that moment i had no more diarrhea or stomach pain, instantly went away........So a few wks goes by, and me and my cousin are riding in the car and we are sittin there makin fun of Someone who was a God freak or a bumper stick about the Lord or something like that and he said something really ignorant, he said "ya the reason i dont believe in God or go to church is because i was forced to go when i was kid" and i just thought that was a really ignorant statement for someone who holds themself as "smarter than the average person"...he basically said, like a little kid would, i dont like it and you cant make me do it, and crossed his arms while sitting there, like a little kid would.........Thats pretty close minded for someone who claims to be "very open minded"...I was the same way, kind of....i went to a Christian middle school and never read the Bible, Sure i used it to get good grades in Bible class but never took it upon myself to actually read it......Well thats exactly what i did, And when i read the NT and finished it in about less than week i felt all my "problems" go away.....My Rage (a big part of my life before) obscenity every other word (people who know me, know that I make up cuss words/phrases), plotting, love of money, lusting/porn/trying to get some (that wasnt in a marriage way) was so far from me.....For someone to go from obscenity every word to nothing in a flip of a coin is pretty significant, considering that i have tried not to cuss before and could never do it.......Plus what i read in the Bible it was only logical (a whole other story lol) to believe Jesus Christ Actually walked this earth, rose again, etc, to think that "why would these people willingly die for Christ if it wasnt true", If Christ said he was Going to do something He would tell you and then go do it (something i hardly saw anyone do in my life/family) so if he did that why would he be lieing about anything else, and a lot of other things that fit into the "other story"....Also different things like death i learned about....Death is compared to sleep, Look at how quickly 8+ hours pass when you sleep (all you remember at night is you go to sleep then next thing you know your awake 8+ hours later), That puts it in persepctive what to expect at the time of death and the resurrection Christ talks about...you die and as soon as you would be waking up to go to work you would be part of one of the 2 resurrections (no people dont go to heaven right when they die, a common lie to make people "feel" good) .....Also Christ Talks about How when this world passes we wont remember it.....So let me ask you, Can you remember what you argued about at this same exact time, on this same exact day 18 years ago????of course not, the only thing ANYONE in their Life remembers, is the major life events that made them into the person they turned out to be......That kinda puts what Christ said in perspective now doesnt it?? There are many other examples like this but these are just a few i have discussed..........So once i asked CHrist in my life I started praying, and guess what My prayers were getting answered, So hey i thought, ima keep doing this because i like when someone acknowledges me like He does....do you know what its like to be in a room full of people who say they love you and not feel loved? I do, when i would be in a group with my family i felt exactly that, which is another reason Why Im not ashamed nor care what they think about Me, If i was All alone before, I wont be alone anymore even if those people continue to still do what they do......I was still smoking weed at the beginning of my salvation (i was saved prolly about a couple weeks before 'easter' in '11) So i asked Christ to let me know whether i can still smoke or not, I told him I gave up weed for money/the military so i have No problem givin it up for Him if that is the case, espcially after everything He showed me/did for me already....So i learned that when the Bible Repeats something a few times that its important (for example, Jesus life and ministry is almost word for word in the first three books of the NT) so after that prayer i read 2 or 3 times (in different spots) i cant remember exactly how many times, that it says we should keep a sober mind, and i havent smoked weed since...People can say "well alcohol doesnt help you keep a sober mind" and what i say is that One Drink doesnt cloud your mind like One or 2 hits of Pot does....In order to not have a sober mind with alcohol you have to have a lack of self control in order to get drunk, which the Bible also commands us (numerous times) to Be in Self control........this (in a nutshell) is how I was called by God the Father to Christ....
