My Testimony

sisterJenna said:

Very true people have read and they where crying because I have been through so much.

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sisterJenna said:

Jenna Testimony 24th February 2006.
I grew up with my mom and dad who went to Church of England. I went quite often to the church as I grew up in the Sunday school, brownies, guides and being head girl in the church choir.. I went on Christian camps with Cyfa and I really enjoyed it. Then while I was living at home with my step parents who I call Mom and Dad as they have brought me up. I was watching TV in my bedroom then my brother decided to abuse me. While I was in bed this went on for a few years I was scared and could not say anything. It made me feel un-clean. One day I decided to get my parents involved I told them my dad never believed me but my mom did. Told to go to my room. I walked upstairs crying I could hear my mom and dad talking then my mom believed me as it happened to her. Because of not being believed I then started to self harm I used anything I could find, anything I could reach for. While I was living at home I hardly got on with my mom as she was tidy and I was messy.. It use to cause arguments between my mom and dad I use to cry myself to sleep wondering why I was born. Why don’t they believe me? So I began to self -harm even more when I did cut it made me feel better a way of getting my anger out. Then I left home because I could not go on the way I was. My mom was really upset and they could no understand why I went. The vicar from the church came to see me and asked me to go home give it one last try. So I went back home for a while. Went good for a while then the arguments started. Then I left home and met my future husband at a cafe and then we started seeing each other. I then found a flat and my future husband moved in with me. No job no money had to live. While I was not working I decided had a dream that I would get married and Patrick was the one for me. My mom and dad did not approve. I told them that I love him and that is all that matters. Then I found work for Fletcher Data Services. I enjoyed working there but I got bullied there so I was off for a while with depression . I was also stewarding at Birmingham City Football Ground on match days. 2003 I then left Fletcher data services to go to Bostock Marketing Group I used to key information of the questions which related to rape and sexual abuse in the neighbourhood it triggered me off brought back memories of what my brother used to do to me. I began to come home and dwell on it and that is when I began to self harm and try to kill myself etc, I suffered with depression then I did not want to live I just wanted to end it. My husband noticed my hands and he asked me what I had done but I could not tell him so then my husband told his Manager at his work all about me and what had been going on he told Patrick here is my number give it to Jenna if she ever needs to talk about things. One night I came home from work and I was really upset and my husband went to college for a course I texted Fred to say I am really down can he come and talk to me he then phoned up Patrick to say he was coming round to see me. Patrick had then rang me to tell me that he was coming.. When Fred did come we sat there for ages talking I was crying and thought nothing of it. He told me I am not preaching but there is a church around he corner which I go to they offer counselling So i phoned the number up and left a message on the answer-phone she could not understand me as I had a cold. But by that time i thought hold on why don’t I just go to the church on the Sunday. Sunday came and I went to the church with Brian and I could not go in I heard the praises the drums and the shouting. One of the church members walked past me and asked me if I was ok I said no. I have been invited by Fred and they helped me to go in I then had to fill in a form for new guests. When they did the announcements they read out my name and asked me to stand up so they could welcome so I stood up I was scared. They had a prayer time which anyone could go up to the front and be prayed for. Fred invited me to go to the front as well and he took me up as I was scared and did not know what to expect Then they prayed for me then Fred said a prayer over me to. I felt ok while I was in the church but then when I left the church everything came flooding back things started to improve then last year things where going well until I came across a forum. I started to slip away from god and began to do my own thing. 2005 I made a forum for people who self harm eating disorder could post when they are down and other people can help them. March I played football for my work I was goal keeper I played really well and then I hurt myself by saving a goal which resulted in me fracturing my wedding finger and index finger so then I got signed off from work. I started to dwell on things a little and then my depression started up again. Then in august I decided it was time to give my life fully to the Lord I was sitting at the computer just talking to people from a Christian forum and then I looked up a church website and the heading was I want to be baptized and forgiven for my sins. I filled in a form and then I sent a email off to somewhere in America it was a response centre. The man then emailed me back saying I am so sorry that I am unable to help but leave it with me and I will be in touch. I then received a email of Roger and Donna Vann who lived in Knowle we made an arrangement to meet up and have a chat. So I meet them in town and we had a coffee in the Costa coffee house in Birmingham Town Centre. They mentioned to me about faith and about my emotions and not to let them get in the way. Then they prayed for me and I said the the salvation prayer in the coffee house I was so happy then that I came back to the lord once and for all. That week I asked Roger to find me a church then I knew about Carr’s lane church so I then sent a email to him saying that I would like to go there and can they come with me as I was scared I don’t know why I was scared. So they came with me and told me not to worry. The time came in the service where they asked for anyone who was there for the first time I put my hand up and they clapped. I enjoyed the service I felt at peace and that the Lord was with me. The pastor then asked if anyone would like to give there life to Jesus I put my hand up and then I went to the front where I said the salvation prayer and then they took my details and gave me a information pack I felt like I made the right move. Things began to go well for me until September. I was seeing a counsellor who helped me I went there on a Wednesday and we talked about the abuse that I went through when I got home I was feeling so low and the feelings came back to me again I began to question god I had enough of everything and did not want to be alive no more so I took some tablets that where on the oven I was then talking to a Christian online at this time and I told him that I had taken some tablets and that I was not feeling very well. Then my husband came in made himself a drink and said I lot of tablets have been taken have you taken any. I answered no. Then he wanted the computer so I shut down everything without saying bye to my friend. He knew what I had done. Then I heard a police siren outside the flat I said to my husband I hope that is not for me. He said Jenna wrong they are coming to our front door. He told me to go and answer it. I did not want to answer it I just wanted to carry on with what I was doing. They asked me if I was talking to someone on the msn or if I sent someone a text saying that I took an overdose I said no . I said I took some tablets earlier for a bad stomach as I was seeing my counsellor. I basically lied to the police and I felt bad afterwards but I felt again someone was watching over me I thought of god and the fact that he guided people to stop me and showed me that people actually did care about me. I said to the police can you hold on while I get hold of my pastor. I then could not get through I said lord if you are real let someone help me. I then tried the emergency pastor from Solihull renewal but his phone was off. The ambulance people where there by this time I did not want to go with them at all. The lady said you don’t have to come with us but come and talk to us let us try and help you at this time I went into the ambulance they said it is between you and me now not the police. I told them everything they said are you coming to the hospital I said ok I will come. I then tried the emergency pastor from Solihull and thank the lord someone answered I explained what had happened and he said sorry I can’t be there but I will pray for you and I will let Pastor Justin know. When I got into the hospital they put me in a room on my own I was crying I said lord help me I need you. I then sent a text to my friend of Christian forum and she put a thread up for people to pray for me. The whole world was praying for me I did not understand why they cared so much. I said lord let me sleep I am tired. I was awoken just as the psych team came in. I lost my temper with them and I said no to the help them I realised they was sent to help me so I then excepted the help. A few days after on the Tuesday I went to the healing meeting when it came to the praying for the sick the pastor mentioned people who have been suffering with depression anxiety bio-polar etc please put your hand up I could not put my hand up at the time he then invited all those people who put there hands up to go forward I could not go but I did. Pastor David came to me and he said you have issues in your life and you always worry and panic about things you don’t need to worry anymore then he passed me by without praying everything he said to the others related to me I stood there crying most of the time. I thought to myself how does he know about me and my problems i could not believe it He then came back and said some more Then he passed me by again I was at this time really crying. I could not control myself. He then came back and said Have i prayed for you and I said no he said you are lucky you have had more words then my wife gets I laughed passed me by again by this time I was the only left standing up. He said I left you until last for a reason. Pastor david prayed for me and he said you will feel the holy spirit come over you. I began to cry some more and then I fell and someone caught me and placed me on the floor. I was completely shaking. I did not know what had happened I got up smiling and the pastor said don’t forgot what i told you he mentioned about my hygiene and my hair. Then I improved I went home and did what he said the next day he told me to get up have a bath and wash my hair etc look after myself.. Learn to love myself.. I was still off sick at this time. I then returned to my work in October and the comments began again and it got me mad as I tried to improve My depression started again I felt like a waste of space not wanted unloved rejection so I tried once more. Yet again that feeling of being watched over. A few nights after I had a dream that I actually did commit suicide and that I died. I saw my counsellor a few days later and she said it was my old self dying and that I was being born again. Then I decided it is time to get close to god I gave my life to the lord and then November I was baptized. After my baptism I felt good but not fully close to god and carried on in a way on my own. But January this year I realised its my time now to be free from these chains. After a while work started yet again the complaints started i went out and got lots of deodrant’s, better shampoo, and talc and they still said I smell. November Pastor David mentioned about marriage and a relationships while married outside. He told us to write it down and put it in our bibles I did not do that straight away but a few days later I did. By the end of December I decided that it was not right I wrote down what I needed to do and January the 16th I came clean to a pastor he sensed there was something wrong in my life. I came clean to a pastor in America and he prayed for me to be delivered and then he witnessed me cutting them up something was stopping me as I had a few behind the following night I managed to get rid of everything that was ungodly I said devil you are not going to win I am a child of god and I belong to him. I was eating my own flesh in sin then He then prayed for me again and the spirit touched me. I felt like I had made the right choice. I said devil you loose. I then put on my worship music and got rid of everything
PRAISE THE LORD FOR ALL HE HAS DONE.
From being suicidal and self harming I thank the lord that I am a child of god and happy to do gods will in ministry.

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sisterJenna said:

Thank you my friend

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sisterJenna said:

Whatever you are going through God will work it out for you.

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