This is a condensed version of my testimony........ok it's 3 pages (I'm supposed to get it down to one)..... but anyways, I'm not done with this one, but it was just easier for me to post it and then I can see it laid out and take it from there.
I grew up in a non-Christian home. I know I went to church with my sister and my gramma but that was the extent of it. My family environment wasnt a bad one, but it was never a healthy one for me. God wasn't and still isnt talked about and emotions arent displayed. It always seemed like I got in trouble if I wasnt happy or had a bad day.
When I was 9 my family moved from Ontario to Ohio. My gramma still lived in Ontario, so attending church was no longer part of our lives. After this move was when my depression started to pick up. My parents had to always be in control of my life. I had to play the sports they wanted me to, I wasnt allowed to cut my hair, every part of my life was controlled by them. I fell into self-injury during high school and anger/hatred towards my parents also picked up. I remember when my mom found out about it. The only conversation that we have ever had relating to these things I was yelled at and reprimanded because I was supposed to be the good kid, the normal one. (My sister had been in the hospital ½ year prior after a suicide attempt, and my brother turned to anger and destruction of property during his teen years).
I chose to attend university in Mankato. I had planned on playing soccer and hockey and double majoring in Computer Science and French. MSU had everything I wanted, and it was far away from my parents. I was 17 when I moved to Mankato, and that first year almost everything that mattered fell apart. A month into the soccer season I had injured my knee twice and I just wasnt having fun so I quit. Then things didnt work out for me to play hockey. One of the most influential teachers I had passed away and then my former hockey coach developed breast cancer. The situation between my roommate and I was a complete disaster and I spent time around two people who introduced me to inhalants. By the end of that first year I also wasnt majoring in CS or French.
But I now know that I had to lose all of that to find what really matters. In my first semester I had class with a guy named M@. He lived a floor away from me in the dorms, and we ran into each other a fair bit. He shared with me about himself and that he was a Christian and he told me about what he believed. My the most important thing he ever did for me was that even though I wasnt willing to follow those same beliefs he never gave up on me and never turned away.
I kept running into M@ during my sophomore year as well. He kept inviting me to a monthly even called City Celebration in Minneapolis, as well as a group called Campus Crusade. I kept saying no, and he still never turned away. My depression continued to worsen and I continued self-injuring and using inhalants and then drank occasionally. I tried medication and that just made me feel worse. Finally in November 2001 I accepted M@s offer to go to Minneapolis to City Celebration. He had to head up early, so he had me meet a bunch of people who were carpooling up together. I met more people that day then I had the prior 2 ½ semesters. And these people were just like him. They cared, and they didnt reject me just because I didnt believe what they did. I went up to CC and the following week started attending the Crusade meetings in Mankato. I was still getting worse, but at least this gave me a few hours to be around people. The following weekend I ended up in the hospital. As much as I liked meeting these new people, I knew they had nothing for me.
At that time I set a death date for Christmas (about 6 weeks later). I had given up on everything. And these newfound friends added more guilt to my life. I didnt deserve to be around people like them after what I had been doing and how I felt. But they said they believed something and lived by what they said. On December 10, 2001 I was surfing the internet and was reading about a man named Jesus. One of the sites explained how to accept Christ by praying. I was sure nothing in my life would change, but I had nothing else left. Around 2 a.m. December 10, 2001 I prayed that prayer. And I was right, for me, at that point, nothing did change .well, except for the fact that I lived past Christmas. I spent that winter break back at my parents. It was one of the hardest times in my life. But a person I had met at Crusade shared that time with me. She let me call her and she stayed in touch by email and sent me a card. We had only met a few weeks prior and here she was sharing in the depths of my life.
I came back to Mankato for spring semester and things were still the same. I was still miserable. But there were people who cared. It was one of the first times in my life I had felt that. I kept on attending Crusade. I was told by the university I had to start seeing a counselor or they would kick me out of the dorms. I didnt have anywhere to go so I started seeing one. Then in April I was forced back into the hospital, but this time I had people in my life who really cared and demonstrated that to me.
The following summer I ended up remaining in Mankato and living in a campus ministry. I was able to take classes, get a job, and most importantly I had to be involved in the ministry to live there. I was still stuck in self-injury at the beginning of the summer. I moved back into the dorms in the fall I was having a very tough day, and then the complex director also found out about that self-injury from the beginning of the summer. They forced my to move into a different dorm complex. The day after I had to move I had a phone call at 8 a.m. telling me a friend (the son of my former coach who had cancer) died in a car accident. This was the second sons death this family has had to endure. So I flew back for the preparations, wake and funeral. I never really got to know people in the dorm because all their friendships had been formed and then a month later I moved in.
Over winter break I stayed in Minnesota to work, and that start of noticable changes in my life. During the spring semester I finally got to know some of the girls on my floor, who also attended Crusade. Then in the summer of 2003 I was able to travel to Peru to do many different types of ministry in the jungle. I went for all the wrong reasons. This was a chance for me to take pictures, see a different culture and travel far away. I ended up meeting many incredible people, and was shown what it meant to really seek after God. After training we began our travels. By the second night of our trip I was up speaking in front of about 300 people. I had never shared about God with anyone before that, and I certainly hadnt planned on my first time being in another country talking to people who didnt even speak the same language as myself. I was taught so many things during those three weeks.
But a few months later I falling back to where I use to be. I had a roommate who used inhalants sporadically. So of course I fell into them again. And then I went through four months where I refused to say I was a Christian. I wasnt sure if I ever had been. I thought everything I had done was fake. I started drinking a little more, usually by myself, so it was a double strike on the depression. I was so tired of the way things were, and in the spring I rededicated my life to Christ. This was the start of a huge change in my life. And then I made it through the semester, and I graduated from Mankato, or so I thought.
Summer 2004 definitely became one of the most trying, and incredible times, of my entire life. I moved into an apartment, but my roommate was on a summer project in New Jersey for most of the time. I also had very limited contact with three of my closest friends. One was in Mexico for the summer, one lived out of state, and the third worked and had a very busy schedule. Once again things began piling up. A friend of mine was sentenced to fifteen years in prison, and all of the things behind that were very tough for me to deal with. Then I was told that my diploma didnt go through. I wasnt able to find a job and I wasnt going to have enough money for bills and food. In June the most influential person in my life died and then in July someone else I cared about deeply passed away. I also was having struggles in my relationship with my mother and sister. Through all this I learned my biggest lesson. I knew I couldnt go back to the things I use to do. I didnt have interest in drinking or self-injury or anything else. For the first time in my life I learned what it meant to fully trust God that things would work out. I didnt have anyone else to turn to, so my only choice was to trust that everything would work out. Things with my diploma did get straightened out. I finally found a job after almost three months of searching. Family relationships did change.
Two and a half years after I accepted Christ into my life I was finally shown what it meant to fully trust God. Once again I felt like I had lost everything, but that last option became an only option, and this time I knew it was real.
Before I became a Christian, several people shared this verse with me: I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. When I felt like my life was going nowhere, God still had a plan for me. When all I wanted to do was die, all He wanted to do was give me hope. Now, over three years later, its an incredible feeling to know that all this time, there is direction in my life, and there is a hope for the future, even when I dont see it.
I grew up in a non-Christian home. I know I went to church with my sister and my gramma but that was the extent of it. My family environment wasnt a bad one, but it was never a healthy one for me. God wasn't and still isnt talked about and emotions arent displayed. It always seemed like I got in trouble if I wasnt happy or had a bad day.
When I was 9 my family moved from Ontario to Ohio. My gramma still lived in Ontario, so attending church was no longer part of our lives. After this move was when my depression started to pick up. My parents had to always be in control of my life. I had to play the sports they wanted me to, I wasnt allowed to cut my hair, every part of my life was controlled by them. I fell into self-injury during high school and anger/hatred towards my parents also picked up. I remember when my mom found out about it. The only conversation that we have ever had relating to these things I was yelled at and reprimanded because I was supposed to be the good kid, the normal one. (My sister had been in the hospital ½ year prior after a suicide attempt, and my brother turned to anger and destruction of property during his teen years).
I chose to attend university in Mankato. I had planned on playing soccer and hockey and double majoring in Computer Science and French. MSU had everything I wanted, and it was far away from my parents. I was 17 when I moved to Mankato, and that first year almost everything that mattered fell apart. A month into the soccer season I had injured my knee twice and I just wasnt having fun so I quit. Then things didnt work out for me to play hockey. One of the most influential teachers I had passed away and then my former hockey coach developed breast cancer. The situation between my roommate and I was a complete disaster and I spent time around two people who introduced me to inhalants. By the end of that first year I also wasnt majoring in CS or French.
But I now know that I had to lose all of that to find what really matters. In my first semester I had class with a guy named M@. He lived a floor away from me in the dorms, and we ran into each other a fair bit. He shared with me about himself and that he was a Christian and he told me about what he believed. My the most important thing he ever did for me was that even though I wasnt willing to follow those same beliefs he never gave up on me and never turned away.
I kept running into M@ during my sophomore year as well. He kept inviting me to a monthly even called City Celebration in Minneapolis, as well as a group called Campus Crusade. I kept saying no, and he still never turned away. My depression continued to worsen and I continued self-injuring and using inhalants and then drank occasionally. I tried medication and that just made me feel worse. Finally in November 2001 I accepted M@s offer to go to Minneapolis to City Celebration. He had to head up early, so he had me meet a bunch of people who were carpooling up together. I met more people that day then I had the prior 2 ½ semesters. And these people were just like him. They cared, and they didnt reject me just because I didnt believe what they did. I went up to CC and the following week started attending the Crusade meetings in Mankato. I was still getting worse, but at least this gave me a few hours to be around people. The following weekend I ended up in the hospital. As much as I liked meeting these new people, I knew they had nothing for me.
At that time I set a death date for Christmas (about 6 weeks later). I had given up on everything. And these newfound friends added more guilt to my life. I didnt deserve to be around people like them after what I had been doing and how I felt. But they said they believed something and lived by what they said. On December 10, 2001 I was surfing the internet and was reading about a man named Jesus. One of the sites explained how to accept Christ by praying. I was sure nothing in my life would change, but I had nothing else left. Around 2 a.m. December 10, 2001 I prayed that prayer. And I was right, for me, at that point, nothing did change .well, except for the fact that I lived past Christmas. I spent that winter break back at my parents. It was one of the hardest times in my life. But a person I had met at Crusade shared that time with me. She let me call her and she stayed in touch by email and sent me a card. We had only met a few weeks prior and here she was sharing in the depths of my life.
I came back to Mankato for spring semester and things were still the same. I was still miserable. But there were people who cared. It was one of the first times in my life I had felt that. I kept on attending Crusade. I was told by the university I had to start seeing a counselor or they would kick me out of the dorms. I didnt have anywhere to go so I started seeing one. Then in April I was forced back into the hospital, but this time I had people in my life who really cared and demonstrated that to me.
The following summer I ended up remaining in Mankato and living in a campus ministry. I was able to take classes, get a job, and most importantly I had to be involved in the ministry to live there. I was still stuck in self-injury at the beginning of the summer. I moved back into the dorms in the fall I was having a very tough day, and then the complex director also found out about that self-injury from the beginning of the summer. They forced my to move into a different dorm complex. The day after I had to move I had a phone call at 8 a.m. telling me a friend (the son of my former coach who had cancer) died in a car accident. This was the second sons death this family has had to endure. So I flew back for the preparations, wake and funeral. I never really got to know people in the dorm because all their friendships had been formed and then a month later I moved in.
Over winter break I stayed in Minnesota to work, and that start of noticable changes in my life. During the spring semester I finally got to know some of the girls on my floor, who also attended Crusade. Then in the summer of 2003 I was able to travel to Peru to do many different types of ministry in the jungle. I went for all the wrong reasons. This was a chance for me to take pictures, see a different culture and travel far away. I ended up meeting many incredible people, and was shown what it meant to really seek after God. After training we began our travels. By the second night of our trip I was up speaking in front of about 300 people. I had never shared about God with anyone before that, and I certainly hadnt planned on my first time being in another country talking to people who didnt even speak the same language as myself. I was taught so many things during those three weeks.
But a few months later I falling back to where I use to be. I had a roommate who used inhalants sporadically. So of course I fell into them again. And then I went through four months where I refused to say I was a Christian. I wasnt sure if I ever had been. I thought everything I had done was fake. I started drinking a little more, usually by myself, so it was a double strike on the depression. I was so tired of the way things were, and in the spring I rededicated my life to Christ. This was the start of a huge change in my life. And then I made it through the semester, and I graduated from Mankato, or so I thought.
Summer 2004 definitely became one of the most trying, and incredible times, of my entire life. I moved into an apartment, but my roommate was on a summer project in New Jersey for most of the time. I also had very limited contact with three of my closest friends. One was in Mexico for the summer, one lived out of state, and the third worked and had a very busy schedule. Once again things began piling up. A friend of mine was sentenced to fifteen years in prison, and all of the things behind that were very tough for me to deal with. Then I was told that my diploma didnt go through. I wasnt able to find a job and I wasnt going to have enough money for bills and food. In June the most influential person in my life died and then in July someone else I cared about deeply passed away. I also was having struggles in my relationship with my mother and sister. Through all this I learned my biggest lesson. I knew I couldnt go back to the things I use to do. I didnt have interest in drinking or self-injury or anything else. For the first time in my life I learned what it meant to fully trust God that things would work out. I didnt have anyone else to turn to, so my only choice was to trust that everything would work out. Things with my diploma did get straightened out. I finally found a job after almost three months of searching. Family relationships did change.
Two and a half years after I accepted Christ into my life I was finally shown what it meant to fully trust God. Once again I felt like I had lost everything, but that last option became an only option, and this time I knew it was real.
Before I became a Christian, several people shared this verse with me: I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. When I felt like my life was going nowhere, God still had a plan for me. When all I wanted to do was die, all He wanted to do was give me hope. Now, over three years later, its an incredible feeling to know that all this time, there is direction in my life, and there is a hope for the future, even when I dont see it.
