Sooo I dunno if I'm allowed to put this here buuut here goes...I'm gonna blend my Jesus story in with my trauma story because they just go together in my head.
Ok, so I was born in Moscow Russia in 1994. I was abandoned by my birth mother at a hospital and then was placed in an orphanage until I was ten months old. When I was ten months old my parents came and adopted me and brought me to America.
Fast forward to when I was seven
At age seven all I had known was growing up in the Catholic Church. I knew that if I was good in church and sat still I got McDonald's at the end of it.
Well this was going to be my first year going to summer camp. The camp was going to be a week long and I was a little nervous. My parents dropped me off and all was well until later in the evening when chapel was scheduled in. I thought, "Oh no chapel! Well this is going to be boring."
I followed my counselor to the chapel building expecting a catholic service without the McDonald's at the end. As we got closer to the chapel I could hear screaming from inside. In my little seven year old mind I thought to myself, "An animal from the science center (which was all the way across camp) must have gotten in. I looked up at my counselor as she bravely marched ahead. I thought she was nuts but I followed her anyways.
Once inside there was lights and upbeat music and dancing. I looked at my counselor and asked, "Is this Church?"
She nodded. I immediately jumped in and joined in the fun worship. Then the speaker came up. We all sat down and I prepared myself for a boring monologue. Instead he explained about how Jesus loved us. I thought it was the coolest thing ever!!!
As the week went on I saw that the counselors had something that I didn't. I wanted what they had and it turned out to be Jesus.
Alright so we're still at the camp. I learned about Jesus and I accept him into my life.
Fast forward to me at age 12 at this camp
At this time I was a Catholic. The more I read the Bible and the more I learned about Jesus I realized that it didn't quite line up with the Bible. So I dropped Catholicism and went to Christianity.
I say that I accepted Jesus when I was seven because, well I did. However I became a Christian at age 12.
Fast forward to fifteen-year-old me.
I got Baptized on Easter.
Rewind to 8th Grade
8th grade what when me and my parents made the worst possible decision. We decided that I should to a school called CMA. I can't tell you what the real name of the school is because if I did I would get sued.
I don't live in a gigantic house, so it's saying something when I tell you that my school was smaller than my house! My school was smaller than my house. Imagine a busy street with a small house and a circular gravel driveway with a makeshift parking lot. As you walk up to the house you look to your left and you see a green dumpster hiding behind a small fenced in area. The house looks overgrown with weeds and if you go around to the side you will see two white vans. Once inside you see kids ranging from ages 2-18. Some running and some walking.
There was a pre-primary classroom, a primary classroom and an erd kinder class room (which was the basement). The basement had two rooms: Upper erd kinder and lower erd kinder. Erd kinder is basically middle school through high school. Lower is middle school and upper is high school.
Enough description.
At this school there was a man by the name of Mr. L. He would yell and scream at us. I got yelled and screamed at because I got bad grades. We didn't learn until my junior year that I had learning disabilities.
Anyways it was really hard because as a freshman, all the grades were lumped together, I was taking classes with seniors so that made things REALLY hard and then when I became a senior things were still hard because I didn't learn anything.
While I was going there I was sexually assaulted by one of the students and when Mr. L heard about it, he covered it up. I was sexually assaulted again by a different student, only this time, no one found out. There was also sexual bullying that occurred.
Add all that to the yelling and screaming and I came out of there with PTSD.
The whole time I was going to that school I wasn't allowed to talk about Jesus and I was being pressured to accept and believe all five religions of the world. This really put a strain on my faith and eventually in my senior year I was so lonely and so frustrated and sad and broken I got angry at God. Like extremely angry. I didn't know why I was put in this situation, I had been told that if I prayed more everything would be better. Well I did pray and nothing changed. Then people told me that God allows us to go through trials. So I figured that all my misfortune was Gods fault. I almost left him.
My past with the church
While I was going to CMA I went to a mega church. I begged anyone to listen to me and to help me and to be my friend. But no one would. I felt so isolated in that church.
After I graduated from CMA I got the courage to leave the mega-church and hooked on to a campus ministry at my college. It was called ICOC. They showed me that God was this evil dictator who didn't care about us. They had me write down my sins on a piece of paper and then read it to a group of girls. And these were some of my WORST sins. After the list was read, Jess, the leader, read a complete medical account of Jesus's death on the cross. By this time I am in tears because the account was so graphic. She looked at me and said, "your sins put him on that cross."
I left ICOC after that and unfortunately my relationship with God was all but broken and my PTSD was getting worse and worse.
Over the summer I was sexually assaulted again.
So by this time I am livid with God. I don't know why he did this to me, I don't know why I had to go through this. I kept asking why? Why? WHY?
I stopped reading my Bible, I stopped going to church I thought I was going to be done being a Christian because all my hope was spent, all my love was spent, I was spent.
Then I met my boyfriend. I thought he was going to be another creep but he turned out to be quite nice in fact. Things didn't become wonderful because of him, nor did they become wonderful right away.
I had heard a story where some scientists were doing an experiment. They put a monkey in a cage and they began to make loud noises and flash bright lights in order to scare the monkey. Then they put another monkey in the cage and the first monkey's stress level went down by more than half. Well turned out to be my monkey.
I showed him my school both when there were kids and when there weren't kids. After those visits he believed me.
So as me and my boyfriend became closer I realized that I missed God. I really missed him. I tried and tried to read my Bible but it was like there was an invisible barrier between me and that book that I couldn't bring myself to cross.
Eventually I was able to read it and it really helped.
A few months ago I had a "ladies lunch" with a campus ministry (not ICOC) and this girl who I had never met before, told me everything about myself and she told me that God loved me. It had been so long since I had heard that it was like the thought had never occurred to me.
Well the friendship with that girl didn't last...I dunno what was up with her but she still gave me that umph I needed to restart my relationship with God.
Things are not perfect but they are going in the right direction. I am making friends, I have a wonderful boyfriend, and my relationship with God is getting stronger.
Thank you for reading....
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!!
I forgot to tell you the Brian story! Here it is:
So I was probably in middle school/freshmen in high school at this point. I was sitting at my computer one night messing around on the internet.
Before I continue I want to explain something: has anyone ever used AIM? AIM is a form of private chat where you can not send blank IM's and you can only message people you know. How do I know this? My boyfriend and I tried sending blank IM's to each other via AIM yesterday and it didn't work. We weren't even on each other's contact lists (we hadn't used AIM in years).
Ok well as I was sitting there this blank IM pops up and it's from someone I don't know. So I'm just like O_O. I looked at my contacts and he was already added in to my contacts! So I sent him a message saying, "hi" not really expecting a response. Well he responded with "hi". Turns out he was around my age, he liked the same kind of music and he was a Christian! What were the odds!
So let's look at the facts here:
-blank IM from someone I don't know
-both Christian
-both around the same age
-both like the same music
We concluded it was God. That IM launched us in to a 3 year friendship. He lived on the complete opposite end of the country unfortunately so we never go to meet. He started out really nice. He even would stay up with me so I wouldn't commit suicide on multiple occasions. He eventually turned mean and started ignoring me though. One day he stopped talking to me all together with no rhyme or reason. I was devastated.
Years past and I still missed him. It wasn't as intense but I would have days and moments where I would really miss him...I couldn't understand why I couldn't just get over him. Ya know? Let go and let God. Everyone had been telling me to move on. I got tired of people just talking at me so I just stopped talking about it and missed him silently.
One day he did message me and I was soooo happy! But then he went away again...so I changed my number and never looked back...or so I thought...I still had dreams about him and days where I missed him but that soon became a part of my normal life.
More time passed. I graduated high school and got a boyfriend.
A few days ago I had a dream about him and this wasn't like any other dream I had before. I dreamed that he moved to a different state. I went through the normal routine that day, missing him but ignoring my feelings. That night when I sat down at my computer I felt a prompt to message him. Like something was telling me to message him and see what happens. Just to tell him about the dream of course. I went in to it thinking, "I'll tell him about the dream and we'll laugh about how that would NEVER happen and it will be so funny and then we'll go our separate ways!" So I messaged him. He responded. I told him about the dream and he said, "that's funny because I'm moving an hour away from you to go to graduate school" I literally went in to shock. I didn't mean for any of this to happen! I didn't want this!
My boyfried was furious. my parents were furous.
Let's recap here:
-blank IM from someone I don't know
-both Christian
-both around the same age
-both like the same music
-had a dream about him moving
-he's moving an hour away from me
-I never would have known he was moving if it wasn't for the dream
Brian and I talked for a few days. I tried to get answers out of him and he just dodged the questions. So it just ended up with me yelling at him which was wrong on my part. Eventually I told him I forgave him.
Well my boyfriend is absolutely just fuming at this point so I asked him if it would help him to tell Brian how he felt. He said it would. So he sent Brian some recorded Facebook messages which wound up getting me blocked. I tried to contact him again and again but it just wasn't happening.
All that pain came back. Everyone was telling me to move on and I just couldn't. Here is what I think happened:
So when I was at my high school there was a lot of bad stuff happening. This was 5 years ago (I think). Then Brian messaged me and shielded me from that bad stuff. When he left all that bad stuff he was holding back came crashing down plus all the stuff that was currently going on plus all the hurt of him leaving.
So you have past hurt, current hurt, and hurt of him leaving. That’s A LOT of hurt so I went in to a very dark time after that; in part I think because of all the unprocessed pain.
Now fast forward to today: here I am with leftover pain and PTSD wanting my shield back even though the fighting has stopped plus missing my friend plus having conflicting emotions about him coming to live an hour away from me.
On top of that I have a bunch of spiritual questions like why did God send that IM if it was God and why all these coincidences.
So there you have it!
Where am I now? I am still hurting but doing better...confused but working on it and I will probably have to continue to work on it for the rest of my life. I am really REALLY hurt about the Brian thing because of stuff and I just can't explain it cuz just a lot happened and this is a long post so I will explain where I am now in a new thread.
Anyway thanks for reading!
DISCLAIMER: Brian's and my relationship was not romantic...ok it was for like a week but that's it!
Ok, so I was born in Moscow Russia in 1994. I was abandoned by my birth mother at a hospital and then was placed in an orphanage until I was ten months old. When I was ten months old my parents came and adopted me and brought me to America.
Fast forward to when I was seven
At age seven all I had known was growing up in the Catholic Church. I knew that if I was good in church and sat still I got McDonald's at the end of it.
Well this was going to be my first year going to summer camp. The camp was going to be a week long and I was a little nervous. My parents dropped me off and all was well until later in the evening when chapel was scheduled in. I thought, "Oh no chapel! Well this is going to be boring."
I followed my counselor to the chapel building expecting a catholic service without the McDonald's at the end. As we got closer to the chapel I could hear screaming from inside. In my little seven year old mind I thought to myself, "An animal from the science center (which was all the way across camp) must have gotten in. I looked up at my counselor as she bravely marched ahead. I thought she was nuts but I followed her anyways.
Once inside there was lights and upbeat music and dancing. I looked at my counselor and asked, "Is this Church?"
She nodded. I immediately jumped in and joined in the fun worship. Then the speaker came up. We all sat down and I prepared myself for a boring monologue. Instead he explained about how Jesus loved us. I thought it was the coolest thing ever!!!
As the week went on I saw that the counselors had something that I didn't. I wanted what they had and it turned out to be Jesus.
Alright so we're still at the camp. I learned about Jesus and I accept him into my life.
Fast forward to me at age 12 at this camp
At this time I was a Catholic. The more I read the Bible and the more I learned about Jesus I realized that it didn't quite line up with the Bible. So I dropped Catholicism and went to Christianity.
I say that I accepted Jesus when I was seven because, well I did. However I became a Christian at age 12.
Fast forward to fifteen-year-old me.
I got Baptized on Easter.
Rewind to 8th Grade
8th grade what when me and my parents made the worst possible decision. We decided that I should to a school called CMA. I can't tell you what the real name of the school is because if I did I would get sued.
I don't live in a gigantic house, so it's saying something when I tell you that my school was smaller than my house! My school was smaller than my house. Imagine a busy street with a small house and a circular gravel driveway with a makeshift parking lot. As you walk up to the house you look to your left and you see a green dumpster hiding behind a small fenced in area. The house looks overgrown with weeds and if you go around to the side you will see two white vans. Once inside you see kids ranging from ages 2-18. Some running and some walking.
There was a pre-primary classroom, a primary classroom and an erd kinder class room (which was the basement). The basement had two rooms: Upper erd kinder and lower erd kinder. Erd kinder is basically middle school through high school. Lower is middle school and upper is high school.
Enough description.
At this school there was a man by the name of Mr. L. He would yell and scream at us. I got yelled and screamed at because I got bad grades. We didn't learn until my junior year that I had learning disabilities.
Anyways it was really hard because as a freshman, all the grades were lumped together, I was taking classes with seniors so that made things REALLY hard and then when I became a senior things were still hard because I didn't learn anything.
While I was going there I was sexually assaulted by one of the students and when Mr. L heard about it, he covered it up. I was sexually assaulted again by a different student, only this time, no one found out. There was also sexual bullying that occurred.
Add all that to the yelling and screaming and I came out of there with PTSD.
The whole time I was going to that school I wasn't allowed to talk about Jesus and I was being pressured to accept and believe all five religions of the world. This really put a strain on my faith and eventually in my senior year I was so lonely and so frustrated and sad and broken I got angry at God. Like extremely angry. I didn't know why I was put in this situation, I had been told that if I prayed more everything would be better. Well I did pray and nothing changed. Then people told me that God allows us to go through trials. So I figured that all my misfortune was Gods fault. I almost left him.
My past with the church
While I was going to CMA I went to a mega church. I begged anyone to listen to me and to help me and to be my friend. But no one would. I felt so isolated in that church.
After I graduated from CMA I got the courage to leave the mega-church and hooked on to a campus ministry at my college. It was called ICOC. They showed me that God was this evil dictator who didn't care about us. They had me write down my sins on a piece of paper and then read it to a group of girls. And these were some of my WORST sins. After the list was read, Jess, the leader, read a complete medical account of Jesus's death on the cross. By this time I am in tears because the account was so graphic. She looked at me and said, "your sins put him on that cross."
I left ICOC after that and unfortunately my relationship with God was all but broken and my PTSD was getting worse and worse.
Over the summer I was sexually assaulted again.
So by this time I am livid with God. I don't know why he did this to me, I don't know why I had to go through this. I kept asking why? Why? WHY?
I stopped reading my Bible, I stopped going to church I thought I was going to be done being a Christian because all my hope was spent, all my love was spent, I was spent.
Then I met my boyfriend. I thought he was going to be another creep but he turned out to be quite nice in fact. Things didn't become wonderful because of him, nor did they become wonderful right away.
I had heard a story where some scientists were doing an experiment. They put a monkey in a cage and they began to make loud noises and flash bright lights in order to scare the monkey. Then they put another monkey in the cage and the first monkey's stress level went down by more than half. Well turned out to be my monkey.
I showed him my school both when there were kids and when there weren't kids. After those visits he believed me.
So as me and my boyfriend became closer I realized that I missed God. I really missed him. I tried and tried to read my Bible but it was like there was an invisible barrier between me and that book that I couldn't bring myself to cross.
Eventually I was able to read it and it really helped.
A few months ago I had a "ladies lunch" with a campus ministry (not ICOC) and this girl who I had never met before, told me everything about myself and she told me that God loved me. It had been so long since I had heard that it was like the thought had never occurred to me.
Well the friendship with that girl didn't last...I dunno what was up with her but she still gave me that umph I needed to restart my relationship with God.
Things are not perfect but they are going in the right direction. I am making friends, I have a wonderful boyfriend, and my relationship with God is getting stronger.
Thank you for reading....
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!!
I forgot to tell you the Brian story! Here it is:
So I was probably in middle school/freshmen in high school at this point. I was sitting at my computer one night messing around on the internet.
Before I continue I want to explain something: has anyone ever used AIM? AIM is a form of private chat where you can not send blank IM's and you can only message people you know. How do I know this? My boyfriend and I tried sending blank IM's to each other via AIM yesterday and it didn't work. We weren't even on each other's contact lists (we hadn't used AIM in years).
Ok well as I was sitting there this blank IM pops up and it's from someone I don't know. So I'm just like O_O. I looked at my contacts and he was already added in to my contacts! So I sent him a message saying, "hi" not really expecting a response. Well he responded with "hi". Turns out he was around my age, he liked the same kind of music and he was a Christian! What were the odds!
So let's look at the facts here:
-blank IM from someone I don't know
-both Christian
-both around the same age
-both like the same music
We concluded it was God. That IM launched us in to a 3 year friendship. He lived on the complete opposite end of the country unfortunately so we never go to meet. He started out really nice. He even would stay up with me so I wouldn't commit suicide on multiple occasions. He eventually turned mean and started ignoring me though. One day he stopped talking to me all together with no rhyme or reason. I was devastated.
Years past and I still missed him. It wasn't as intense but I would have days and moments where I would really miss him...I couldn't understand why I couldn't just get over him. Ya know? Let go and let God. Everyone had been telling me to move on. I got tired of people just talking at me so I just stopped talking about it and missed him silently.
One day he did message me and I was soooo happy! But then he went away again...so I changed my number and never looked back...or so I thought...I still had dreams about him and days where I missed him but that soon became a part of my normal life.
More time passed. I graduated high school and got a boyfriend.
A few days ago I had a dream about him and this wasn't like any other dream I had before. I dreamed that he moved to a different state. I went through the normal routine that day, missing him but ignoring my feelings. That night when I sat down at my computer I felt a prompt to message him. Like something was telling me to message him and see what happens. Just to tell him about the dream of course. I went in to it thinking, "I'll tell him about the dream and we'll laugh about how that would NEVER happen and it will be so funny and then we'll go our separate ways!" So I messaged him. He responded. I told him about the dream and he said, "that's funny because I'm moving an hour away from you to go to graduate school" I literally went in to shock. I didn't mean for any of this to happen! I didn't want this!
My boyfried was furious. my parents were furous.
Let's recap here:
-blank IM from someone I don't know
-both Christian
-both around the same age
-both like the same music
-had a dream about him moving
-he's moving an hour away from me
-I never would have known he was moving if it wasn't for the dream
Brian and I talked for a few days. I tried to get answers out of him and he just dodged the questions. So it just ended up with me yelling at him which was wrong on my part. Eventually I told him I forgave him.
Well my boyfriend is absolutely just fuming at this point so I asked him if it would help him to tell Brian how he felt. He said it would. So he sent Brian some recorded Facebook messages which wound up getting me blocked. I tried to contact him again and again but it just wasn't happening.
All that pain came back. Everyone was telling me to move on and I just couldn't. Here is what I think happened:
So when I was at my high school there was a lot of bad stuff happening. This was 5 years ago (I think). Then Brian messaged me and shielded me from that bad stuff. When he left all that bad stuff he was holding back came crashing down plus all the stuff that was currently going on plus all the hurt of him leaving.
So you have past hurt, current hurt, and hurt of him leaving. That’s A LOT of hurt so I went in to a very dark time after that; in part I think because of all the unprocessed pain.
Now fast forward to today: here I am with leftover pain and PTSD wanting my shield back even though the fighting has stopped plus missing my friend plus having conflicting emotions about him coming to live an hour away from me.
On top of that I have a bunch of spiritual questions like why did God send that IM if it was God and why all these coincidences.
So there you have it!
Where am I now? I am still hurting but doing better...confused but working on it and I will probably have to continue to work on it for the rest of my life. I am really REALLY hurt about the Brian thing because of stuff and I just can't explain it cuz just a lot happened and this is a long post so I will explain where I am now in a new thread.
Anyway thanks for reading!
DISCLAIMER: Brian's and my relationship was not romantic...ok it was for like a week but that's it!
Last edited:
