My Story

[hopetoheal]

Dear Friends,

I really appreciated all of your stories, and especially when you've shared a personal experience. I thought I would take a few minutes to tell you about my story in case anyone can relate. I really want to be able to help each other and above all to hold one another up in the Lord's love and prayer. I am praising Him that in our especially painful circumstances, He has actually prepared our hearts to be able to understand His love in a deeper way, since He's got our attention emotionally. I really believe that the ONLY one who can "replace" my husband is Jesus himself.

Anyway, here is my story. I'm a professor of modern languages in my mid-fifties (a little "young" to be a widow, but not as young as some of you). I lost my husband to whom I was married only ten years just six weeks ago and this year I'm on sabbatical. We were planning to spend the year abroad so I could work on my book. He came down with a rapidly progressing neurological disease-- completely unexpectedly and went from physically fit (running, walking, swimming miles a day) to completely debilitated in a matter of weeks. It's hard to convey the horror because neither of us knew what was going on and we couldn't get a neurologist for over a month. He first lost his sense of balance, then his eyesight, then his body began to twitch and jerk, eventually, he couldn't walk or even move his muscles. He was able to talk until almost the end which was an intense blessing because we were able to say everything we wanted. He was my only spouse, but he himself was a widower who had cared for his wife of 27 years during her long affliction with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. He was faithful to her till her last minute. They had two sons, who are now my sons. And I have a baby granddaughter only 7 months old. He was also a beloved man, a performing artist (opera singer) who seemed to touch every life he came into contact with. Now I'm in a position where I just hope I can re-learn to live contentedly as a single person. I don't want to shut the door to the Lord's plans--of course-- but I'd like to think of myself as "Glenn's wife"-- not because I don't have a life of my own. I had to support myself until I was in my forties. But just because of love, honor and respect for his name. I was hyphenating my last name so that my maiden name would come first, but I've decided to drop the hyphen as a sign of affection for him. I guess it's a little late for that, and probably not too important, but it's just a personal decision based on my intense feelings of love and appreciation for him. Later, I'll go into what are the types of regrets I have, but for now, if you share your stories, I will definitely read them and I'll pray for you. I'm already praying for the few people I've responded to and I will do it for the whole holiday season. God bless you all. ANd I hope to hear from you. If you want to respond personally, I would love that as well.

 

[NoelAsa]

hopetoheal, thank you for your story. We each have our own story, but in the end it is all about the loss of the one we love. We can all relate to the grief and the confusion. I am glad that you had that special time with your husband before his death. My husband and I had three months from his diagnosis until his death. I also feel very fortunate to have had that. It is something that I cherish. I have known several people whose husbands had died suddenly from heart attacks. They seem to not have as much closure as I had.

Things will get easier as time goes on, I know this from experience. The first year I felt that it was never going to get any better. Just be patient with yourself. Praying for you.

 

[hopetoheal]

Thank you Noel, I really needed to hear that. Today has been rough-- like you say, the point is that I just loved him so much. THank you for your prayers. I'm still writing my story mainly to get some more attention from the medical community on what to do about this type of disease. But most important is my relationship with Christ is deepening during this time. Thank you for you words.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Well we can't stop loving someone just because they no longer occupy this earth. It's different when people get divorced. There is a fine line between love and hate and some people cross over and end up in divorce. But when your spouse dies it is extremely difficult. For that matter when anyone you know dies. It brings the reality right in front of you that we do not have the power to say how long we will live and when we will die. I also think that no matter how prepared you are for death, you are never prepared enough. It's just kind of unacceptable IMO. My husband lasted about a year the last time we found out the cancer was back and thankfully he had his mind and wits about him up until the last. I am very grateful for that. He did have a couple of seizures that when he came out, he did not know me or the kids for a couple of hours. That was extremely hard! I lost my FIL to cancer first, then 4 years later my mother. Then my husband's ex died also of cancer and then a couple years later, my husband. ALL to cancer! My mom used to always tell me, when it's your time, it's just your time and I have come to read in the bible that God has appointed times, so she was right. Someday we will get the whole picture, but it's hard to understand the whys. Drawing closer to God is what has happened with me and for that I am very grateful. Now I just pray that I can be around til my kids at least get thru college (they are 14 and 17). It does get better, but I have never quit loving my husband. Any man that would want me would have to understand that I probably will never stop loving him. Why should I have to? and my comfort is that I will see him again in eternity. I pray we all fulfill the destiny that God placed us on this earth for! In Jesus name, Amen.