My story

[justaboy]

I come from a very religious Catholic family. My life was OK until I was 11. Then we moved to a new town.

I did not adapt well to the new environment and was treated very badly by many other children. My mother's attitude was that only if I was nicer or more friendly with everyone they would treat me better. No matter what anyone did to me, she would not say a word against them. For 8th grade I got put in a class with a lot of bad kids. I asked her to go to the school and ask to put me in another class, but she wouldn't. That was a particularly bad school year for me.

All this time I was hearing in church and catechism how we must love our enemies, never feel anger or hate toward anyone, and be nice to others no matter what they did to us. My mother was a social person who could cope with a lot of different people; my brother and sister were more like her, but I was more like my father in being quiet and not good with people.

From all the bad things people did to me I got more and more angry at the church, more and more angry at my mother and more and more angry at Jesus. All I wanted was to be left alone, to be ignored, to disappear. In 8th grade I was in confirmation class but at the end of the year I told my mother I didn't want to be confirmed. She said "Don't you want to lead a Christian life?" What I thought, but didn't say, was "No, not if it means getting my ass kicked all the time and having to love the people who do it."

I tried to fit in more in high school but it didn't work. I ran away from home for a while at the beginning of my sophmore year, and as a result was allowed to leave high school at the end of that year and go to community college. My mother forced me to take a confirmation class and get confirmed but I didn't have to go to church so I didn't care.

My mother got cancer and appeared to be out of it and on the verge of death on my 18th birthday. She couldn't communicate at that time so I went away for military training. She recovered somewhat and I talked to her on the phone a few times but didn't go back and she died after a few weeks.

A few years ago I decided to read the New Testament to see if it really said what I was told it did. I found it was not nearly as harsh as it was made out to be, but still problematic for me. Jesus healed many people. But he also insisted that people never feel anger and give unconditional forgiveness to everyone.

I'm still consumed with rage toward the people who hurt me and my mother. I never got over this. I'm still very uncomfortable and fearful with people.

Jesus will forgive everything, absolutely everything, except not forgiving. If a person has been a victim of harm the first question Christians ask is "Have you forgiven them?" If the answer is no, you get no further help or compassion. Some will generously allow that it is a "process" but it is still assumed that eventually you will forgive the person.

I don't think I can or would want to ever forgive these people. They new what they were doing and they enjoyed it. I try to understand my mother's situation- my parents were very stressed financially and she had a hard upbringing- but she gave me platitudes instead of protection and made me feel like it was my fault.

I can't figure any way around this and would like to know what help anyone can give me.

 

[rainbowgirl2011]

hi justaboy,
although I did not have it the same as you, I also come from a rough family and school life. Recently at church and at a retreat, I have been learning "Love thy neighbor as yourself" Well, in that God is telling me to love myself so that I may be able to love others. I also did a bible study on the 10 best ways to live (commandments), and we were asked what one do we struggle with the most. Mine was honor thy father and mother. I asked how can I honor those that abused me. Then a friend told me that I actually honor them by growing healthy within myself and my faith. I understand that this must be very difficult for you. There were times when I was tortured at school, and one day I saw some of those people as adults and they are christians now and they actually apologized for the way they treated me. The whole forgiveness thing from my perspective of my own recovery from abuse was in forgiving myself I forgave others. You might ask what I forgave myself for....well I forgave myself for internally beating myself up for feelings and values I was taught and fought that I was wrongdoing. In my recovery I learned I surived and that was a huge thing. Oh also something I learned was that you do not have to forgive their actions, it is ok to forgive them as they behaved and treated others as a reflection as what they were taught. hope that helps

 

[justaboy]

Thank you for your support and sharing your experience.

 

[LovedSparrow]

Thanks for sharing your story, justaboy.

 

[cweinstein]

Hi, justaboy
I too came from a Catholic family. My family has never been excessively Catholic, but my ex and his family are, very religious Catholic.
My marriage became abuse, but he and his family used the Catholic church to hide the abuse: it was a catholic marriage, therefore no divorce, etc.
They rammed Catholic dogma down my throat so hard they drove me away from the catholic church and from them. Every conversation with my ex mother in law became a religious lecture, I would be questions nine ways to Sunday if they didn't see me at church on Sunday, etc.
After I left my abuser I could not set foot in a Catholic church without triggering a panic attack. It was horrible. I still needed God, but I could not set foot in a Catholic church. I was invited to a Christian church, obviously not Catholic, and I went. I have since left the catholic church completely.
This past Christmas eve I went to a Catholic church with my family. I can set foot in a Catholic church, but my heart, my spirit, are no longer Catholic. While I was at that church I felt nothing.

 

[justaboy]

Thank you for sharing

 

[needhugs]

the way i see it, is you forgive the abusers because of wanting to release YOURSELF from the torment and rage... God is still just and we can count on Him to avenge us, i don't know how He will do that, but I know He will... there's going to be some post mortem butt kicking going on on judgement day i'm sure of it... right now my 'forgiveness' of abusers in my life is more like 'not caring whether they live or die' and know that 'vengence is Mine, says the Lord'... i'm not the most positive and loving Christian out there, but i have had my life, career, mental and physical health destroyed by the abusers in my life, and i just know that it's a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the Living God...

 

[cweinstein]

Forgiving your abuser is easier said than done. I know that I have to keep forgiving him in my head, with my mouth, until my heart follows through. 21 yrs of a marriage that turned to abuse cannot be erased overnight, therefore forgiveness will not happen overnight either. I am trying.

 

[LovedSparrow]

Forgiving your abuser is easier said than done. I know that I have to keep forgiving him in my head, with my mouth, until my heart follows through. 21 yrs of a marriage that turned to abuse cannot be erased overnight, therefore forgiveness will not happen overnight either. I am trying.

Thanks for sharing your story, too. Forgiveness is difficult and can't be done on our own. I had forgiven my abuser 10+ years ago, and in different stages in life it comes up again and again. I get angry at him and have to forgive (again). I hope this is normal. When I got married, especially, I could see the affects of the abuse in my marriage. (My husband was not abusive, but an ex bf). I had to forgive him over and over again.

It's a process. May God give you the strength you need to forgive. 21 years is a long time. I can hear your heart.

LovedSparrow

 

[cweinstein]

Thanks for sharing your story, too. Forgiveness is difficult and can't be done on our own. I had forgiven my abuser 10+ years ago, and in different stages in life it comes up again and again. I get angry at him and have to forgive (again). I hope this is normal. When I got married, especially, I could see the affects of the abuse in my marriage. (My husband was not abusive, but an ex bf). I had to forgive him over and over again.

It's a process. May God give you the strength you need to forgive. 21 years is a long time. I can hear your heart.

LovedSparrow

yes, it is a process. It will be 3 yrs in June since I left him, and I still try to forgive him every day. I still get angry at him, upset, then I forgive again....or at least try

 

[lynnbeau]

When sharing a story of any kind of abuse, I think the first response from a Christian should be along the lines of "How is your healing going?" or "How is your heart?". Forgiveness is such a 'touchy' subject especially when it has to do with such deep and devastating abuse. I thin it is touchy only b/c it is so misunderstood. The world says 'forgive and forget' or that if you forgive someone, then it means that what that person did was ok or they are 'off the hook'. I don't believe it is what Jesus meant when he talked about forgiveness. Forgiveness is not so much for the other person, but for the forgiver. We give power to those that hurt us when we do not choose to forgive. And most cases, especially with abuse, the other person doesn't care that you are angry with them! It isn't hurting them one bit - but it is hurting you. You don't know quite how much unforgiveness is hurting you until you begin to forgive. Many times, people think forgiveness is a feeling. It is not, at least not at first. It begins with a choice. Below is the prayer I would pray whenever I feel like I need to forgive:
I choose to forgive ***name of abuser or person needing forgiveness*** of all the wrong he has done to me. I have cancelled the debt and I have turned it over to the Lord for His care. This is not according to my feelings, but according to my will. Praise God.
As mentioned a couple of times already, forgiveness for abuse is an ongoing process. It doesn't get 'all better' the moment you choose to forgive - it takes TIME and it takes choosing forgiveness regularly. I have found that over the years, I have to forgive my abusers less often, I feel less of that rage, anger, hurt, etc. I am a happier person because I chose to forgive - the forgiveness made my healing much deeper. I don't think I'd have the healing I have today if I hadn't made the choice to forgive. The forgiveness is about my healing - not about the other person not doing anything wrong. They sure did - but I'd rather God handle that revenge. I have my own life and future to look forward to - and I don't want to be a bitter woman doing it (unforgiveness turns into bitterness). I hope this helps give you a better understanding - at least my view on forgiveness.
I, too, was not allowed to be angry, therefore, when I felt that anger and rage, I did not know how to deal with it appropriately and in a healthy way. Anger is not wrong. God gets angry at times - angry with sin - and we are made in His image! He gave us those emotions for a reason. It took me a while to learn and understand that it is ok to be angry - it is what I do with that anger that matters. I cannot hurt other people or myself. I give it over to God. I tell Him I am angry - He can take it. But I also need to let it go when it is time - not hang onto it. I think that is what Jesus meant whenever He talked about anger - to not stay angry - to let it go in due time.
I am sorry that your mom didn't stand up and protect you. I am a mother of 3 children and I can't imagine not protecting them. Sometimes people are like that b/c of abuse in their own past. There is so much that has happened to our parents that we don't know about. It doesn't excuse your mom for not being there for you when you needed her. But it might help you to move on.
Jesus' death on the cross covers all sins - even not forgiving. If it didn't, then what He did would've been in vain. His death covers it all and He loves you so much. He doesn't want you to not come to Him because you are having a struggle with the idea of forgiveness. He just wants you to come to Him anyway. I hope that you will read the New Testament again, but with a different goal - to find what Jesus says about YOU - how much He loves you and wants to be with you. Pray that He will help you to open your heart to His love. To begin healing. Start there - don't get caught up on the issue of forgiveness - it is important for healing, but it can also hinder healing if it is focused on too much.