My story...

[Arwen]

Hey, I started typing out one of my many stories and I'm not feeling to happy about it, actually I have been having some really hard times lately, so I just wanted to know what you think about this first page, so i don't waiste my time typing it all out if it isn't any good. Mostly you Paul!! By the way I'll be back on later tonight. ************************************************************
(Not named yet)
1. The Birth of Namor

The times where dark, evil and fear swept across the land of Thanize. Strange creatures lived here; some of which were Deca and Hoov. They all spoke of an evil king. They say he was born kind, but dramatically changed and tortured into becoming one of the most evil, of them all. Even thieves and demons were frightened of him, for he was so cruel he could torment his best friend hanging off of a cliff by one finger, to end up slowly cutting through it with his dullest sword and laughing as they fell to their death. This evil was beyond all imagining. What name could fit such a creature? He was called Sator, he was raised Sator, and he planed to live by Sator until the end of time, which in his mind would never come, he was immortal, or at least that’s what he thought.
The night was cold, fall was approaching, and clouds swirled around the town of Kanjior. The dirt roads were bare; not one creature walked its path. A distant noise of people talking, whispering maybe, came from a near by pub. These people, Deca people, they did not call it a pub, nor did they call a road a road, instead they called them oloes and rows.
Many adult Deca men and women stood around in a village oloe, talking and spreading rumors of all sorts, about an evil king. The conversation had been going on for hours. “I heard that he’s come to rule us, treat us like royalty and help us kill the rest of those scum of creatures, Hooves.” Said an elderly plump woman, wearing the strangest outfit. It was a white dress, over the dress she wore a black shirt that cut off right under her shoulders letting the ruffles and strange fabric continue on to her wrists. No one else wore clothes like this.
“No dear,” Came the voice of an elderly man who was standing next to the strangely dressed woman. “I heard he came to ruin our lives. You know, make us suffer, treat us poorly until our death day came. Or at the least, make us his slaves of evil, sending us around killing all of the beautiful things, but not just killing them, he would make us do it slowly, that’s the way he likes it I heard. Then the worst thing came, the people who don’t obey him would be locked up in a box made of steel, that he could open and close with his mind, no way for them to escape. He would only bring them food when they were almost dead keeping them alive, and then he’d wait some more not giving them food or water ‘til they were nearing death, then feed them, like and evil cycle of pain, where you can’t just die to get out of it.”
“You’re all right, but then again you’re all wrong.” Every one in the oloe jumped, and some of the women even screamed. A strange man stood in the corner of the oloe; it was almost as he was hiding in the shadows, for the light from the torches along the walls barely showed his figure. He was tall, and slender, but he was wearing a long cape and the hood was pulled up over his face. He stepped out of the shadows lowering his hood. He was young and handsome, but something about him looked ancient.

 

[Blessed-one]

wow, sounds like a fantasy story! it'll make a good Add-on.... sorry, i can't help saying that, lol.

very good!

 

[Arwen]

yay! thank you. I think I will type out the rest some time, of course I am still writing it.

 

[Die Kaiserin]

Hey Emily, looking good (the story)! I like and eagerly await the next instalment!

 

[Arwen]

yay! I feel special now!

 

[Arwen]

No one seems to like my story. Or else doesn't seem to want to tell me it is good or bad... I really want to know because I don't want to waist my time writing something no one would like...

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

Hey sounds good!

Don't worry if people like it or not though. If you like it, then kepp on writing! That's what I've discovered. If you like it and want to write aobut it, then do it!

And hey, LOVE the user name! LOTR forever baby!

 

[Blessed-one]

yeah, Lizzi's right. Writing is for your own enjoyment afterall (that's what i think anyway), i'm working on a fiction that no one reads except my brother, and why? because i just wanted to try my hand on it.

Keep it up!

 

[Arwen]

I am going to type out the rest of this chapter tonight and I might post it tonight as well. I have just been really busy lately and it seems the only free days I have are Sunday and tuesday! So I hope I can get the rest typed tonight!

 

[Arwen]

I decided to post all of the fist chapter. Something happend to my computer the other day too, so I appologize before hand if it is messed up! The Birth of Namor

The times where dark, evil and fear swept across the land of Thanize. Strange creatures lived here; some of which were Deca and Hoov. They all spoke of an evil king. They say he was born kind, but dramatically changed and tortured into becoming one of the most evil, of them all. Even thieves and demons were frightened of him, for he was so cruel he could torment his best friend hanging off of a cliff by one finger, to end up slowly cutting through it with his dullest sword and laughing as they fell to their death. This evil was beyond all imagining. What name could fit such a creature? He was called Sator, he was raised Sator, and he planed to live by Sator until the end of time, which in his mind would never come, he was immortal, or at least that’s what he thought.
The night was cold, fall was approaching, and clouds swirled around the town of Kanjior. The dirt roads were bare; not one creature walked its path. A distant noise of people talking, whispering maybe, came from a near by pub. These people, Deca people, they did not call it a pub, nor did they call a road a road, instead they called them oloes and rows.
Many adult Deca men and women stood around in a village oloe, talking and spreading rumors of all sorts, about an evil king. The conversation had been going on for hours. “I heard that he’s come to rule us, treat us like royalty and help us kill the rest of those scum of creatures, Hooves.” Said an elderly plump woman, wearing the strangest outfit. It was a white dress, over the dress she wore a black shirt that cut off right under her shoulders letting the ruffles and strange fabric continue on to her wrists. No one else wore clothes like this.
“No dear,” Came the voice of an elderly man who was standing next to the strangely dressed woman. “I heard he came to ruin our lives. You know, make us suffer, treat us poorly until our death day came. Or at the least, make us his slaves of evil, sending us around killing all of the beautiful things, but not just killing them, he would make us do it slowly, that’s the way he likes it I heard. Then the worst thing came, the people who don’t obey him would be locked up in a box made of steel, that he could open and close with his mind, no way for them to escape. He would only bring them food when they were almost dead keeping them alive, and then he’d wait some more not giving them food or water ‘til they were nearing death, then feed them, like and evil cycle of pain, where you can’t just die to get out of it.”
“You’re all right, but then again you’re all wrong.” Every one in the oloe jumped, and some of the women even screamed. A strange man stood in the corner of the oloe; it was almost as he was hiding in the shadows, for the light from the torches along the walls barely showed his figure. He was tall, and slender, but he was wearing a long cape and the hood was pulled up over his face. He stepped out of the shadows lowering his hood. He was young and handsome, but something about him looked ancient.
Every one in the oloe was shocked to see such a character he was tall, much taller than they were, the tallest Deca was a male at 5’6” and a female at 5’5”, but this man was 6’ ½ ” at the least. They hadn’t noticed him there earlier because he had slipped in earlier that day. “Dear old Suman was the closest.” The tall stranger said with a malicious glint in his eyes.
The elderly man, who had spoken before, opened his mouth but no words came out, just a frightened whimper. There was a long pause; the air in the oloe was full of tension and fright, until Suman could manage to spit out “Ho- how do you know my name? Who are you? Why are you here?”
“First of all,” the stranger said, “ I know much about you. You are all Deca, strange creatures you are, very short, usually no taller than 5 feet, but there are few who exceed that amount. You my dear sir are in charge of this village. You are know as the chancellor, and that strangely dressed woman of course is your wife.” He added giving a strange disgusted look at her clothes. “My name is Ecelal, and as most of you with half a brain probably already know that I am an Eegred.”
All at ones the people inside of the oloe began to murmur in a frightened yet excited way. Deca are very nosey creatures, they usually stay in their villages and talk about different things from different places, and Eegred people were rarely seen but often talked about.
Finally it came to a silence, every one stared at Ecelal waiting for him to do or say something. The Chancellor couldn’t stand it any more he had to say something “Why have you come here? What do you want?”
“You sure are a very nosy man. I am merely passing through and was hoping to find some accommodations in an inn.” Ecelal commented sweetly.
The Chancellor was infuriated, how dare someone talk to him like that? He was the ruler here; someone couldn’t just waltz into his oloe and expect to have a nice comfy room waiting for him. He began to say something when light shot across the night sky, making a loud crack. He jumped, as many did, some simply screamed or started to shake.
Eegred are mythical creatures. They are known to perform magic, or do unnatural things. Deca are frightened and do not trust anything unnatural things, for they hide away under their trees and woodlands, or inside their little homes which have at least 7 trees in their front yard alone. Eegred are tall, slender, beautiful, flawless people and that is strange to the Deca, with their light skin and dark hair because they are usually not in the sun.
“Go hither!” The Chancellor finally screamed. “We don’t want you here! Leave your magic in other places. Another bright light followed by a boom. Again the Chancellor jumped, shaking he managed to say “F-fi-fine you can…” A brighter light shot across the sky making its way through the oloe followed by an even louder boom. The Chancellor screamed then finished “stay here. Th-there is an inn down the r-r-row.”
Ecelal walked to the door of the oloe laughing, a sophisticated laugh, he said to him self “To think, they are frightened by lighting and thunder. If I wanted to scare them I would have at least sent a tornado through ripping off the roof. To think!” He said again “They are afraid of lighting!”
He stepped out on the slowly flooding dirt row. Rain poured down drenching his long medieval looking hooded cape, but it didn’t seem to bother him. He left his hood down letting the rain drench his curly golden hair that reached the middle of his neck.
He kept walking until he was about 7 houses down from the inn, and let me say that was a long distance for at least 30-ft was the distance between each house. His eyesight was as sharp as a hawk's maybe even better; he could read the sign on the inn from where he stood. It said Eip Ereh Elbixelf, Which is translated to The Last hope, in English.
Ecelal laughed at the name, for it was written in the language of Eton, which is spoken by hooves. Hoov people are about 5-6 ft. tall, slightly taller than the Deca. They usually have darker hair and tan skin. Hooves love to be outside, they live near lakes and meadows and love to be outside, but in their own villages. The Deca do not like to leave their villages either.
Ecelal stood in the middle of the row, waiting for someone or something, it seemed. For a few minutes he waited their facing the east, and a chill wind came from the east, rustling his cloak and bringing the rain to a piercing diagonal. “She approaches.” He said aloud.
A Deca woman was running down the row from the west, she was far of but she was running east toward Ecelal, though she knew not that he was there. She was shielding her eyes from the rain and holding her stomach, she was pregnant. Ecelal walked forward, toward the woman. She was beautiful, and though you could not tell she had golden brown, curly hair that went slightly past her shoulders, piercing blue eyes, the color of the clearest sky. She was also extremely tall for a Deca woman 5’6”, she was the tallest woman in the village, and it stirred rumors and hate about her, though most loved her, she was kind and patient.
Ecelal gained on the woman, fast, in fact it didn’t seem that he was walking, it was too smooth to walk the way he did. He reached the inn a while before the woman did; she didn’t even notice him. She stumbled to the door of the inn and noticed Ecelal leaning against the wall hood pulled down, where it rested on his shoulders and back.
He stood up, walked closer to her, looked her right in the eyes, and smiled. “Nice to see you again Tisbe.” He put his hand on hers, the one on her stomach, and said, “It’s a boy.” He smiled again. “I’ll see you again… when the time is right.” He winked and in the blink of Tisbe’s eye he was gone.
She continued into the inn. A young man was standing there, he spotted her and panic overtook his face. “Why Tisbe!” He said, “You’re early… Why did you come? It’s raining out there! You could get sick, and that’s not good for your child!”
“Diloz,” She replied “settle down. It’s time, and it’s a boy.”
Diloz was young, about 16 years old and he had brown hair, also curly and it went down to his chin. His eyes where of emerald, and they sparkled with youth.
His face, formerly worried, now flushed with confusion. “Sir. Derb is in the back.” He said. “And how do you know that it tis
A boy?”

 

[Arwen]

“I just have a feeling.” She replied with a smile. She headed to the back and Diloz watched her go. He sat at his post, wanting to know what would happen. Business was slow, so he didn’t have much to do, just sit and wait.
Not even five hours past and Diloz only had 2 people check in, he heard the distinct cry of a child, and infant. He got up and ran to the back where Sir. Derb and Tisbe where, he listened carefully. A voice like a comforting wind came from inside of the room, it was filled with wisdom and love, it was the voice of Sir Derb and it said, “It’s a boy…”
Diloz smiled and said, “A boy!” He heard shuffling inside of the room and ran back to his post.
Sir Derb came out of the room holding the child, rapped in a piece of cloth, in his hands. “Dil?” Sir Derb cried out. “Tisbe wanted me to introduce you to someone. Diloz walked over to him and Sir Derb opened the cloth to reveal a baby with it’s mothers golden brown hair. “Diloz, this is Namor. And I do believe you where free to go home at sundown and that was almost 3 hours ago.”
“I was waiting… for the rain to stop…” Diloz replied.
“Yes, well that stopped about 4 hours ago.”
“Right, farewell ‘til morrow then Sir.”
“Farewell Diloz.” Sir Derb walked back to the room where Tisbe was resting. She was lying in a bed that looked quite uncomfortable and yet she had the biggest smile on her face. “He was waiting for the rain to cease, or at least that’s what he said.” Sir Derb told Tisbe. She was still smiling, but now a loving, caring look took over her eyes.
“I remember when Diloz was born, my sister was so proud.” Tisbe said, “As you know he is my sister’s son. They took him away from Lithel when she became evil, fell into the ways of the dark. He still doesn’t know that I am his Aunt. I couldn’t bare to hurt him like that. I still fear that someday Lithel will come and take him back.” Tisbe sighed.
“Yes…”Sir Derb said handing Namor back, “You are free to go, tell Sebete and the children I say hello.”
Sebete is Tisbe’s husband of 20 years, which is short to Deca, the children are Cisab, 2, Tip, 3, and Ziqu 5.
The rain had made the ground extremely muddy and hard to walk through. If it was day people would be stuck in the mud, even horses, it was almost the same as quick sand (Koones). Then as Tisbe walked out of the inn she seemed to glow with love, Namor in her arms. Her white gown was flowing; her radiant beauty would entrance anyone around. Then she stepped down on to the row and didn’t sink, she didn’t even get stuck, and she just lightly stepped along the ground. A few people stared at her as she “glowed” in the darkness, and her joy and light step made them think she was some sort of witch. She smiled at the people as she walked by, and she lent them a hand, but they refused. She clenched a cross in her other hand and held it near her heart and smiled even broader.
As she walked she found that the ground was dryer closer to home, “It must not have rained much here.” She said to Namor. The village Tisbe and her family lived in was big, compared to most, with maybe 100 Deca over the age of 19. They lived on the end of the village.
She approached their home, a little stone house with, a stone chimney and wood door, with a metal knocker in the middle in the shape of a cross. It was late but there still was a light glowing from the inside of the house. Sebete, hung over with sleep, waited at a small table, the children asleep on the floor. “It’s late.” He said aloud to himself, “Father, I pray to thee keep my wife safe, and help our new child, let it be healthy and live to know you. Help us raise them all.” He looked at the candle glowing on the table, the wax was down to it’s very end and the flame shook and stirred trying to stay a blasé, but went out. Sebete grabbed another candle and lit it from a candle in their room, luckily they had made some more candles a few days before that. He sat and waited, praying every once in a while.
Sebete stirred, he had dosed off and he could tell it had been for an hour or so because the candle had gone down quite a bit. He thought back to the things he had done since Tisbe left. He fed the kids and told them stories of his child hood. They fell asleep in the middle of the 5th story. He smiled as he looked at them, and soon he would have another.
That instant he got a strange feeling in his stomach. “Something has gone wrong. Or else something will go wrong.” He said aloud. At that he looked out the window and saw Tisbe with a bundle of cloth in her arms, and he ran to her. He went to her, arms out wide, hugged her and kissed her on the cheek. She handed the cloth to him.
She said, “It’s a boy, his name is Namor.”
“Namor…” Sebete repeated. He didn’t tell her about the bad feeling he got, he just simply said “Did everything go alright?”
“Perfect! Sir Derb even said ‘this is one of the most healthy babies I have seen in years!’”
“Good! I can tell he is going to have a great life.” Then to himself he said, “I hope.”
“Yes I believe he will.”
“You should get some sleep Tisbe! I want to start bonding with my son!” Sebete laughed. “I’ll even make breakfast too.”
Tisbe didn’t refuse, she actually went right to bed with a kiss from Sebete and a kiss to Namor. Sebete took Namor inside and looked at him for a long time. He prayed, a lot, throughout the night.
(Sorry About the double post!)
~Arwen

 

[Arwen]

I just wanted to know if anyone here likes my story. If so, please write comments or anything you would like to suggest. If you don't like it, tell me that as well, I won't be offended. I just wish to know what people think of my story and if you don't like it I'll stop posting about it, but I will continue to write it! Thanks a lot!
-Arwen