My Story - Trigger

[beetlequeendiva]

Well I finally decided it was time to share my story.

About 18 months ago (October 2003) I started having nightmares about my stepdad raping me. I was so upset by these nightmares because i knew they were true and I took an overdose. I got scared and called a friend who took me to hospital. After this first incident I was in and out of the hospital for about 3 months with overdoses and self-injury. In November 2003 I was admitted for almost 4 weeks. I started getting counselling and thought I was on the road to recovery.

Up until April 2004 I continued with Bible School but eventually broke down and had to leave. There was so much going on in my life - I had depression and OCD (both of which I stil have), I was on different medications and constantly self-injuring. I was also still having flashbacks. Anyway I got to come back to school in August 2004 but had to start from the beginning and things were going well. Then I started having flashbacks again, the first one was my stepdad making me give him a ******* and then a while later I had a dream that my stepdad and his dad were raping me at the same time - one either side. I kept having this dream over and over again. I really struggle with this particular flashback!!!

In the last 6 months I've realy struggled - I haven't OD'd in over a year but I still self-injure. I have depression, OCD, psychomotor agitation and a possible ED. All of these things are related to how my stepdad made me feel - all of my illnesses are mainly to do with control - I need to feel control. My family haven't really supported me too well over this - they are hiding from it so they prefer me to not talk about it either. Thing is I want to deal with it and move on and beable to help others - they just don't see that.

My mum is no longer married to my stepdad - they divorced when I was 12. I went through sexual abuse for almost 7 years of my life. After he left my mum got depressed and I looked after my sisters and the house. It was a lot of responsibility for my age, I didn't get a childhood and then my teenage years were spent looking after the family - basically being a mum to my sisters. I do resent my mum to an extent but no where near the amount I used to - i used to not understand depression but now I do so I don't resent her as much.

I left when I was 21 and I don't regret leaving - I am happier in England and it's more like home than home ever was!!! I love it here and I feel happy sometimes - I was never happy before.

So that's my story - if you have any questions ask away - I've probably missed things out. It's not fun but that's how my life has been this far.

 

[Godsgirl481]

I can relate...although I was abused in more ways than just sexual. Anyways...I am really glad you are happy now...and can live your life now.

 

[Pilgrim1951]

Good for you Beetle. I know sharing was a hard thing to do. You are in my prayers.

 

[Endearing lil Influenza]

that must have been really difficult to write... thank you for sharing this... you're really brave

 

[shazabella]

beetle

Thanx for having the guts to share your story with us

that you find what you are looking for here on CF

- Shaz

 

[Gwenyfur]

Brave girl!
You are on the right track, and I'll be praying for ya sweetie.

*huggles*

 

[beetlequeendiva]

Um, thanks for the messages everybody. This was difficult to do but it helped to see it all in writing - I have never written it all down - just parts of it. So anyway it helped......

 

[Truly Blessed]

Thank You for sharing; I know it can be very difficult because once in words there is no denying it and the feelings just poor out.

 

[ZACTAK]

wow, I really couldn't imagine being sexually abused. But I can definitely relate to some of the things you said. I feel a lot happier now that I am away and I really dread going back home this summer. I really hope that you can some how find the good that came out of this and better yourself, because you are better then the abuse, and as we have talked before, it does define a part of you... but it doesn't completely define who you are. I know it is easier said then done, but really listen to the help that you are getting, and if it is within you to control yourself again instead of the medication it will happen, especially through God's love and compassion. I was diagnosed with depression in December, and today I am happier then I ever have been before... but not thanks to the medication, but because I wouldn't allow my past to eat away at me and let it continue to run my life. I hope everything goes better for you, and I really enjoy talking with you. Hang in there and I will continue to pray for you. And if you ever need anything, don't even hesitate to ask me, we might be an ocean apart, but that doesn't mean I can't help you. God bless!

 

[beetlequeendiva]

Awww Zach ,that is really nice thank you!!!! I am only on medication to control my moodswings not really to control my depression - without the medication i change mood every hour or so and i can't live like that!! The other meds I'm on control my OCD and other things. I am happier than I have ever been as well and part of that is being where I am and having the help I have, part of it is also being in Christ - that has helped me to move on so much. It is taking a long time and it's hard somedays but I know that one day I'm gonna be okay and that my abuse will define part of me - at the moment it is defining alot of who I am but I think with the help I'm getting that will fade.

Thank you everybody for your kind words of support

 

[Yasha]

So, I never saw this until i went poking around today.
I have been wondering what happened to you. Thanks for you bravery in sharing.

I am happier than I have ever been as well and part of that is being where I am and having the help I have, part of it is also being in Christ - that has helped me to move on so much. It is taking a long time and it's hard somedays but I know that one day I'm gonna be okay and that my abuse will define part of me - at the moment it is defining alot of who I am but I think with the help I'm getting that will fade.

...and this too. This is true for me, also.

This was difficult to do but it helped to see it all in writing - I have never written it all down - just parts of it. So anyway it helped......

Bless you in ALL God's FAVOR on you, sweet girl.

 

[scared_at_heart]

I am sorry!That has happened to me numorous times.More phisically than sexually though.Also metally.I'm glad your done and over with this though!

 

[Katie12]

I kinda understand the abuse stuff,my da died when i was 7.My step da abused,raped everthing along those lines.Till one day i finally got preg.Well i prolly would of hurt myself by now if i didnt have Andrew(my son)And Katarena(my daughter)But trust me ive though of going suicide plenty of times,but i just think of God and how messed up i would be if i didnt know him or if i dint have the kids,i mean it looks for the worst now but im sure ill have my life back in a lil while,i have faith but i have horrible break downs.No fun remembering its like you can forgive like the bibles says but not forget.Dont know why but i lived with the abuse until i was 16 then i moved to the U.S. Its alot better here,i really love it here.You'll be fine,Gods watching over me and you and we will be just fine with us on his side,not the devils. 's and 's.



Blessed be,
Katie


P.S.
Feel free to pm me any time you wanna talk or have questions .Im here for you and everyone else.