My Story(Possible TRIGGER warnings)

I first started self-harming myself last summer when my family was going through some hard times. It wasn't an everyday thing, more like I would do it a few times a week, or more depending on how the week had gone. It pretty much stopped once the situation got better, which was in October, if I remember correctly.

Then it started up again this summer when I went through another trial. This guy I work with told me he cared a lot for me, and wanted to date me. I felt the same. We only went on one date, and he even came to my house and met my parents, but they believe in chaparoned dating, and that kind of freaked him out. I told him that I didn't have to do that, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to estrange myself from my parents and decide to date him on my own. A few days after I decided that I did want to date him(before I told him), he met another girl and started dating her. We decided to stay friends, because we got really close, and I honestly am happy that she makes him happy. But he was the first guy I ever liked that liked me back, he was the first guy to ever hold my hand, he was my first kiss. And he was also the first person I ever told about the cutting. But he broke my heart, and I haven't been truly happy since he essentially threw me away for her. I'm the type of person that thrives on making other people happy, and it kills me to know that I couldn't make him as happy as she's making him now. It kills me to know that I was never good enough for him, and now it feels like I'm not good enough for anybody.

Another thing is the results I got back in the summer from exams I took at the end of the schoolyear weren't what I was expecting, especially since they were for English and that's what I want to major in, but these tests told me I'm barely average. It seems like that's what everyone's been thinking lately. My parents never tell me they're proud, they never tell me 'good job'. I know they love me, but it feels like I'm nothing but a disappointment. I can't get out from under the shadows of my older siblings who have either made my parents really proud, or disappointed them deeply. I try my hardest at school, and I get really good grades, but even when I get an 'A' all I hear is "98 average? why isn't it 100?"

I work my butt off at my job, but it doesn't pay off in any way.

I always try my hardest, but it's never good enough for anybody--I'm never good enough for anybody. I can't be perfect, but I try to be the best I can possibly be. I'm afraid that I'm never going to find anyone who loves me and wants to spend the rest of their life with me--I'm afraid that I'm going to be alone forever. Family doesn't have a choice, they're stuck with you no matter what, ya know?

The last time I cut was two days ago when I was feeling really down and unloved. I even started to have serious suicidal thoughts, and I haven't felt that way in a very long time. I texted my friend, and he didn't help at all--he said if I was really going to kill myself, there wasn't anything he or anyone else could do, so he didn't even try. To be so unloved...it grates on a person's soul. I think that the world would actually be a better place without me in it. A few people might miss me, but I'm not helping anybody in my current state, and I don't think I can get out of it either. I can name the exact day when I stopped being happy, and I haven't been truly happy since. Maybe I'm just incredibly selfish, but for years I've tried to make other people happy, and this is what it's led to--me, miserable, and alone. Sometimes I wish that I would be diagnosed with an incurable disease just so I would have a good excuse to die.

Thank you both so much! It is very encouraging to my heart to see the love being spread around here, and to be able to take part in it.

I'm healing slowly, but surely. It helps to talk about it, but I don't feel comfortable talking about it with very many people--only a handful even know about it, but it seems to help to talk about it on here. And I've come to the realization that you can't make everyone happy, but sometimes all it takes to make another person happy is to be happy yourself. So I'm changing my attitude, and I'm going to live how I think God wants me to--not how anybody else tells me to.