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My Story: Drinking and Depression

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sarah78

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Hello Everyone,

I drank for ten years, on and off, binge drinking. My drinking started like so many young people these days, going to the bars, dancing having a great time, I would rink about 5-6 light beers over the course of many hours...Then I got pregnant and quit. That was 9 years ago. I quit for about a year, then would only drink occasionally for over two years, until me and my ex split and I started drinking wine regularly, but not too much, until that escalated into a bottle of wine at a time when I would drink. O.k so bare with me, then I started drinking a six of light beer every night for about 8 mths...got pregnant again, this was 6 yrs ago..Quit for the entire pregnancy as before and then for sometime after until wine made its sneaky way back into my life. This is when things got way worse. I started to drink a bottle a night and then started having panic attacks, so naturally I quit after awhile as the doctor told me drinking makes anxiety worse...Fast foward to about a year later, when i started drinking a bottle of wine every weekend and once during the week for 4 years.

Im doing my best with time frames here lol.

I have now quit, havent drank in many months and last year I didnt drink for 6 mths..There are many reasons why I quit, health mainly, mentally and physically and my relationship with the Lord. Each time I would quit and turn back to God, hoping and praying I could remian sober and happy, but my mild depression always got the better of me and I would drink again..

Now I feel as of last year that I have control over my drinking, but I choose not to drink at all. I had two health scares regarding my liver and it scared the addiction out of me. I also fully realize I am an alcoholic. My whole family are alcoholics and suffer with anxiety and depression (most not all)

Well this is the thing (and sorry for the long post lol) is that about 3 mths ago, I made a very bad choice and decided to go to a friends place to drink wine and hang out. I went overboard big time and we ended up having a small argument as she did something that really hurt me (flirted with my husband) and I left. The next day I had a nervous breakdown/panic,anxiety craziness)..since then I have been battling anxiety disorder, ocd type thoughts and now depression. This depression isn't lifting and I feel like I am being made to look deep into myself at who I am and everything I have done over my entire adulthood. Its been very difficult. I feel like an emotional wreck..

Did the booze do something to change my brain chemistry..In all the times that I quit this has never happened..I just turned 30 in Sept and was excited to get my life going to where I want it to be SOBER and fulfilled by serving God and being a great wife, mother, and happy..Now I am in a pit of anxiety, despair and having a rough time. I wont drink again..but what I want to know is did all that drinking do this?

Thanks for reading if you managed to get through it all lol

God Bless,

Sarah
 

TheMainException

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It could have changed your brain chemistry, it could have effected your spirit, it could have triggered something in your unconscious. Are you seeing a therapist regularly? Are you speaking with a minister or pastor? Do so, it would be good for you. I can guess that maybe the alcohol did that to you, but I don't know for sure. Only God really knows.
 
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BobW188

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Satan has no power over you? Then why have you quit so often and relapsed so often. You may be saved, but you sure seem vulnerable to temptation; and your idea that you can control your drinking sounds like an illusion.
Well, welcome to the club. That describes most of us on the Alcohol Abuse forum; and taking us all together we've nonetheless compiled a combined sobriety of a century or more. That this latest episode has made you "look deep into [your]self" and that you don't like what you see is all to the good. The awareness of sin is the path to sainthood.
What the effects of alcohol have been on your mind and body is not for us to determine. We're not doctors. But we do know there's help and hope: clinics, therapy, AA, and understanding pastor, this thread, prayer ... you don't have to spend the rest of your life the way you've spent the last few weeks. "Easy does it, but do it!" And keep us posted.
 
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BlessEwe

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Hi Sarah!

Let me tell you something about myself. My story sounds very much like yours being able to stay sober during my pregnancies. I went into depression after the deaths of my sister and aunt ( my parents died many years ago tragically) and they gave me anti-anxiety meds ( valium) which I was a very happy camper with. The combo of the alcohol/valium brought me down so fast, I ended up in the hospital via ambulance almost dead.

After some time in recovery I began to think a bit clearer. Looking back at my last days using, I know personally for a fact the enemy wanted me dead. It was like I was under the thumb of the gribs of addiction and denial. I was/am a strong christian. I almost killed myself in a blackout, and in another blackout I called 911 (I know for a fact it was Gods Hand pulling me out of the hell I got myself into.

God is with you sister, but I personally feel we can get ourself into trouble with the things of our flesh. What you are doing right now is taking it out of the darkness ( talking to others) that the enemy wants there because it is a major stronghold in our spirit, self worth, and time with God.
Some churches have christian drug/alcohol recovery groups. AA/NA groups may look secular but are very spiritual and christian based. Look into these asap

What Bill and TheMainException said is we are not doctors, only you can come to this conclusion with the guidance of God.
Progression of the disease is a promise to those who continue on.
 
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sarah78

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To Bob,

You did not understand the context in which I was responding. What I mean is I cannot be possessed. Bob, do you drink? Do you then not have control if you don't? This is what I mean, We have to be in control (that is one of the fruits) having self control. I have come a very long way, that summing up my drinking experience into a tiny box may appears like I haven't, but if you knew me, you would know I have grown quite a bit in the Lord. It takes daily surrender in order to be walking totally for God, and I know I am not alone when I allow my own will to take over and not his..

I believe that this is a lifelong journey and we have to make the right choices everyday. I know where my weakness lies and on Gods strength I am able to withstand temptation..I believe on him to help me finish this race..

Yes my question would have been better directed to a doctor, I was only looking for some support here....

God Bless,

Sarah
 
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TheMainException

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Sarah...I've suffered from depression for over 7 years of my life...I've had issues with alcohol for 2. I've used substances for 3. I've had anxiety problems since I was a child. My father is an alcoholic and used to beat and abuse my mother. My brother is becoming an alcoholic. I used to SI. I still use substances from time to time and often want to drink and sometimes give in. I know what depression is like, I know what alcoholism is like, I know what substance abuse is like, and I know what anxiety is like. I'm no stranger to suffering and pain and substance and alcohol abuse. I've spent long lonely nights beating myself physically, emotionally,and mentally over the head, crying until I couldn't breathe and my head hurt so bad I wanted to cry more. And you comment about my sig about my poems...a lot of my poems were written in those moments of despair and I offer up to anyone who wants to read them the chance to do just that. I don't post any there, I don't have a link there, it's a tiny offer that I send out to those who are interested. It's not about my status...writing those poems was about me...sharing them is about the people who read them...if you find something worthwhile, then good, take that with you, if not, I don't care. Most people I send my poems to don't say "oh that's amazing" nor do they say "That was lame" and I don't care for any support in the matter. If they bring joy or peace or some other good emotion to someone, then I'm glad...that's all. They were my support when I had no desire to go on with life. It was a way I kept myself from drowning.

I don't want to market myself. I have no care about myself. I could write to people using ten different names and not care if I was promoting myself or not. If people are getting better or finding something worthwhile in my posts, then good...and most do...so I'm sorry that my post caused you so much anxiety.


And for the question of whether you are permanently changed...not under Christ's rule. God can heal all sickness, all disease, all spirits and souls. He can heal your body, spirit and soul.
My words are only ever meant for good Sarah...I'm sorry it sounded as though I was acting selfishly. I will try to be more sensitive to others in the future, but I do not think this belief goes against christianity theology.
 
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Chaplain David

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I've been sober 35 years in AA Sarah. I've also experienced severe depression and other problems. Alcohol abuse affects us adversely, sometimes severely and irreversably. However, every alcoholic I know that has quit drinking has benefited from it. I used AA, the Lord, and medical help to assist me along my path of sobriety. I've needed other help along the way. Praise God you are already Christian, I wasn't at the time I started getting sober. It's sometimes hard to distinguish what came first, the chicken or the egg. So it's hard to say whether the booze made you more prone to other illnesses or whether you had a predisposition to them. I know in my own life I just got other stuff after becoming an alcoholic and actually, some of my worst days and weeks were right after I got sober. It does get better though. Feel free to ask me anything you'd like on or offline through pm. God bless.
 
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BobW188

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Sarah, I do not drink and I do not have control over my drinking. As Sacerdote says, "Praise God you are a Christian," (perhaps the most indisputably accurate sentence I've ever read, by the way). When it comes to drinking. we AAs learn to put aside self control (which didn't work, however much we kidded ourselves) for God control.

Trust me, Sarah, you'll find plenty of support on this thread. In one way or another, we've all been where you are now. So have our brothers and sisters in AA, which is why we push it. If we're sometimes blunt and (seemingly) thoughtless, it's because there were times when the people who helped us pulled no punches. We're with you, we're on your side so "Let go, let God" and keep coming back!
 
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