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My Relationship Problem
- Thread starter eraemia
- Start date
MN John
Well-Known Member
- Oct 23, 2005
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Hey dude,
It's good that you are asking the questions. I will give you my opinion and I am sure many others will come along with much wisdom to share. In the end, it is only you who can decide what you will do.
First, you are young. At this stage in your life I would suggest that you concentrate on developing as a servant of Christ and you can pray for your future wife to be similarly growing in her relationship with Christ. But you don't need to be trying to find her now, God will bring her along at the right time if it is His will for you to be married.
Since you know that this girl is not someone that you would marry, there's no reason to wait until May to break up. When you meet your future wife, all of your previous relationships will be full of closeness and intimacy that you will wish that you had saved just for only her. It's not especially honest to know that you are going to end a relationship and not do so right away. But when you break up, make sure that you are not angry. Explain that you would be happy to remain her friend and are always interested in talking about spiritual things if she wants to, but that you want to save your emotions and love for the girl who you will one day marry. You might stay friends and you might not, but you can offer.
I understand the lonliness part and wanting your gf to be your whole social structure. The only advice I can give for that is to just get out and get involved in Christian outreach, missions, and ministry. Check your own church and others in the area and see what they are doing. You might find groups that visit nursing homes, provide meals at homeless shelters, fellowship together, study the Bible, meet to pray, clean up the church building, tutor English language learners, clean up the neighborhood, or any number of ministries. Pick the things that draw you and you'll meet people and make friends among the others that are drawn to similar ministries. The secret is that friendships, like relationships, take work. Especially if you aren't going to college, you're at the end of the part of your life where you're thrown into a classroom full of stranger who become your friends. You have to do it yourself when you're an adult.
Before you consider taking any of my advice or anyone else's pray about it. Prayerfully consider what God would have you do. You say that you can't break up with her now, but I think that you mean that you do not want to. Even Jesus had to pray that the Father's will would be done rather than his own.
I'll be praying for you.
John
It's good that you are asking the questions. I will give you my opinion and I am sure many others will come along with much wisdom to share. In the end, it is only you who can decide what you will do.
First, you are young. At this stage in your life I would suggest that you concentrate on developing as a servant of Christ and you can pray for your future wife to be similarly growing in her relationship with Christ. But you don't need to be trying to find her now, God will bring her along at the right time if it is His will for you to be married.
Since you know that this girl is not someone that you would marry, there's no reason to wait until May to break up. When you meet your future wife, all of your previous relationships will be full of closeness and intimacy that you will wish that you had saved just for only her. It's not especially honest to know that you are going to end a relationship and not do so right away. But when you break up, make sure that you are not angry. Explain that you would be happy to remain her friend and are always interested in talking about spiritual things if she wants to, but that you want to save your emotions and love for the girl who you will one day marry. You might stay friends and you might not, but you can offer.
I understand the lonliness part and wanting your gf to be your whole social structure. The only advice I can give for that is to just get out and get involved in Christian outreach, missions, and ministry. Check your own church and others in the area and see what they are doing. You might find groups that visit nursing homes, provide meals at homeless shelters, fellowship together, study the Bible, meet to pray, clean up the church building, tutor English language learners, clean up the neighborhood, or any number of ministries. Pick the things that draw you and you'll meet people and make friends among the others that are drawn to similar ministries. The secret is that friendships, like relationships, take work. Especially if you aren't going to college, you're at the end of the part of your life where you're thrown into a classroom full of stranger who become your friends. You have to do it yourself when you're an adult.
Before you consider taking any of my advice or anyone else's pray about it. Prayerfully consider what God would have you do. You say that you can't break up with her now, but I think that you mean that you do not want to. Even Jesus had to pray that the Father's will would be done rather than his own.
It's one of the hardest things we are asked to do when we turn over our own wills and desires to God and seek His will.Luke 22:42 said:
I'll be praying for you.
John
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I think you need to let this girl go and be herself. Grinding axes like this is not going to accomplish anything. Christian or not.
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Let her go.
If at all possible, it would be nice if, after a break, you two can still be friends, but this relationship is over anyway. As you point out, it should never have started. If you would not marry a non-Christian, you should not knowingly date a non-Christian.
In the meantime, you have some work to do on you. Why did you so quickly use such manipulitive and rotten bahavior toward her? Threatening someone you claim to love is pretty serious and does not say good things about you. Trying to control someone is not a sign of love. Does your school offer any counseling?
If at all possible, it would be nice if, after a break, you two can still be friends, but this relationship is over anyway. As you point out, it should never have started. If you would not marry a non-Christian, you should not knowingly date a non-Christian.
In the meantime, you have some work to do on you. Why did you so quickly use such manipulitive and rotten bahavior toward her? Threatening someone you claim to love is pretty serious and does not say good things about you. Trying to control someone is not a sign of love. Does your school offer any counseling?
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lozzie
Just me...
Hey... not to sound like a broken record.. but I too would say breaking up with her would be a good decision. If you don't see a future with her, why hold back in breaking up? It's delaying the inevitable. Plus, think of it from her side... if she ever found out that you'd decided now that you would break up with her at the end of the school year, how do you think she would feel? I think I'd feel used.
On a side note... my family isn't christan, and it used to drive me nuts because they often dont understand where i'm coming from on certain things... or I feel like theres a whole part of me they don't know. However.. it isn't something I can change! It's not like I could just walk away from them. But it was when I thought of this situation that I realised the reason God advises againt being unequally yoked. We do not choose who our parents or borthers and sisters are.. but we have every choice in who we are going to date, and who we will marry. Why would you really want to put yourself in the situation that you cant share your whole self with your girlfriend? Thats what I see in my boyfriend, someone I can be 100% myself, talk about anything, someone i can talk to about not only worldy things, but my spiritual side of stuff, and a guy that I want to marry one day.
I'm not promising that it will be easy. But the fact that you are thinking about it and asking shows maturity. I know you'll do what is best for you and your relationship with Jesus.
On a side note... my family isn't christan, and it used to drive me nuts because they often dont understand where i'm coming from on certain things... or I feel like theres a whole part of me they don't know. However.. it isn't something I can change! It's not like I could just walk away from them. But it was when I thought of this situation that I realised the reason God advises againt being unequally yoked. We do not choose who our parents or borthers and sisters are.. but we have every choice in who we are going to date, and who we will marry. Why would you really want to put yourself in the situation that you cant share your whole self with your girlfriend? Thats what I see in my boyfriend, someone I can be 100% myself, talk about anything, someone i can talk to about not only worldy things, but my spiritual side of stuff, and a guy that I want to marry one day.
I'm not promising that it will be easy. But the fact that you are thinking about it and asking shows maturity. I know you'll do what is best for you and your relationship with Jesus.
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melandshanetria
Active Member
By you constantly telling a non-believer not to do this and do that, she's going to soon tire of that. She's not ready to come in yet and submit to living a christian lifestyle. You can't take a non-believer and make them change at the snap of your fingers, God is the only one that can change a person, ONLY IF THAT PERSON IS WILLING TO CHANGE. other than that, she's pretty much going to eventually tire of you telling her what to do and what not to do. She's a non-christian and right now, she don't understand the ways of God. You just have to be an example and lead, who knows? Maybe she will give in and decide to walk for God but until then, you must remain prayful and faithful to God for yourself. You're young now, there's no telling who God may put in your pathway. The thing I tell alot of christians that aren't married yet is to pray to God for your partner and when you pray, discern who's sent from God and who's not to avoid any disappointments down the road. It's bad enough that some christians are going on to marry unbelievers hoping that they will change at their command instead of God's command....Everything is on God's timing and not our timing....The best way to stay out of a draining situation such as this is not to be unequally yoked in the first place. I will be praying for you and I wish you the best of God's blessings....
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DeezyC81
Guest
If you prayed about it and God gave her to you. There is a reason or plan God has behind that. He probably put you in her life so she could recieve christ or get saved. However though, You personally can not change her. You have to pray about it and be you. And if she's the one god wants you to be with, she'll change(do not force it). There is one thing I do know is that you CAN NOT change anyone. They have to want to change. Well marrying her.... you've have to decide what you going to do there. All I can say its really her choice rather she wants to change. Just when you have the chance witness to her do it. And if her friends are around, get at her about it. And the IF YOU DO THIS AND I WON'T BE WITH YOU type of stuff. Do not threaten her... you'll scare her away and than she'll won't come to you at all. Than when it comes to her converting to being a christian... Things will be harder for others to get her saved. But it really is her choice. You have to show her and you have to trust her(stop being jealous). If she wants to be with you. She'll be with you. But you can't just give up on her. I would say let her go after high school but do not just kick her to the curve.
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hasnoname
Senior Member
I have been where you are.
But I failed. Please listen to my advise.
I asked out a non-believer my sophmore year. I quickly became infatuated with her. She was a cool person. I would share the gospel with her but she was not too sure about it. She became a Christian a year into the relationship. But it did not change anything. When you begin a relationship with a non-believer it is flawed. You cannot fix it. Try and think of it this way. A relationship needs foundation. If that foundation is not God, then what is it? In my experience it was her. And that is never good...it is not what God intended. Who came first in Adam's life, God or Eve? First Adam had God and when that was good, God gave him Eve. Now you can have God first, but because she does not, the relationship cannot work out. Even if she accepts Christ it will not work because the relationship started focused on each other and not on God.
But I failed. Please listen to my advise.
I asked out a non-believer my sophmore year. I quickly became infatuated with her. She was a cool person. I would share the gospel with her but she was not too sure about it. She became a Christian a year into the relationship. But it did not change anything. When you begin a relationship with a non-believer it is flawed. You cannot fix it. Try and think of it this way. A relationship needs foundation. If that foundation is not God, then what is it? In my experience it was her. And that is never good...it is not what God intended. Who came first in Adam's life, God or Eve? First Adam had God and when that was good, God gave him Eve. Now you can have God first, but because she does not, the relationship cannot work out. Even if she accepts Christ it will not work because the relationship started focused on each other and not on God.
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- Dec 30, 2004
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Ok, you don't have to date her to be tollerant of her. I do not see why you can't break up with her now, and by waiting until you are done with high school you are making it even harder on the both of you in my opinion. You are allowing yourselves to get even more attached to each other. You know you shouldn't be dating her, and while it's hard you know what you need to do. *prays for wisdom*
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Thank you for everyone's wonderful advice.
It seems like the general consensus is to break up with my girlfriend. But how can that be right if I am certain it will break her heart? At least, can I wait for a while and break up with my girlfriend in a peaceful manner? Would that be more humane? And until then, I can pray for my girlfriend, remember not to force her to change, and set as good as a Christian example as I can...
It seems like I am trying hard to find an excuse for what needs to be done right now, but can you see what my reasoning is? Perhaps it is also a face issue, to break up with my girlfriend now. If it was my mistake to ask her out in the first place, it would also be my mistake to break up with her now, and it would make me look terrible in front of everyone.
I wish I could have learned more about relationships prior to forming one. I prayed to God asking for His counsel, but God never speaks directly to us. Moreover, many Scriptural passages are vague principals, and when they are applied to complicated situations (where the Scriptural response is ambiguous), they require our own interpretation, which may not be right. You can treat this last paragraph as my own personal thought. I realize that a response to this challenge would be a tangent to this topic.
It seems like the general consensus is to break up with my girlfriend. But how can that be right if I am certain it will break her heart? At least, can I wait for a while and break up with my girlfriend in a peaceful manner? Would that be more humane? And until then, I can pray for my girlfriend, remember not to force her to change, and set as good as a Christian example as I can...
It seems like I am trying hard to find an excuse for what needs to be done right now, but can you see what my reasoning is? Perhaps it is also a face issue, to break up with my girlfriend now. If it was my mistake to ask her out in the first place, it would also be my mistake to break up with her now, and it would make me look terrible in front of everyone.
I wish I could have learned more about relationships prior to forming one. I prayed to God asking for His counsel, but God never speaks directly to us. Moreover, many Scriptural passages are vague principals, and when they are applied to complicated situations (where the Scriptural response is ambiguous), they require our own interpretation, which may not be right. You can treat this last paragraph as my own personal thought. I realize that a response to this challenge would be a tangent to this topic.
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shinbits
Well-Known Member
Well, there's your problem.eraemia said:
The Bible says, "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers."
A non-Christian courtshiip will only drag you done from the ultimate goal, which is pleasing God, and accomplishing that task assigned to us from the Father.
Love her. Encourage her. Pray for her.
But for your sake, don't date her.
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hasnoname
Senior Member
Hey bro,
The worst thing you can do is wait for the right time. Every day you are with her brings you guys closer together, or more creates a false sense in security in the relationship. I doubt she will respect your reasons, but God will...and that is more important. James 4:17 'Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins'. Therefore if you know it is best to end the relationship but you do not, you are living in sin. And that might just be a little worse than hurting her. No matter what you do, she will be hurt...but just pray God give you the strength to do it. It will be hard for both of you, but it must be done. Do you think it was hard for Christ to die on the cross? Did he not ask his Father to take the burden from him? He did, but at the same time he knew that it was God's holy and perfect will. Following Christ is never easy.
The worst thing you can do is wait for the right time. Every day you are with her brings you guys closer together, or more creates a false sense in security in the relationship. I doubt she will respect your reasons, but God will...and that is more important. James 4:17 'Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins'. Therefore if you know it is best to end the relationship but you do not, you are living in sin. And that might just be a little worse than hurting her. No matter what you do, she will be hurt...but just pray God give you the strength to do it. It will be hard for both of you, but it must be done. Do you think it was hard for Christ to die on the cross? Did he not ask his Father to take the burden from him? He did, but at the same time he knew that it was God's holy and perfect will. Following Christ is never easy.
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DeezyC81
Guest
chrisd53 said:
OK.... So what if they both agreed and changed focus. They both turned to God for guidance in their relationship. The only thing I see that a break up will do is make her move further away from God.
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hasnoname
Senior Member
DeezyC81 said:
It wont work. I tried it. Think of it this way. If you begin a relationship not focused on God, how can you automatically change? It is not just guidance for the relationship...the relationship needs to be centered on God. You should not stay with someone just because you think that it will move the other away from God if you break up with them...that is denying the power and sovereign power of God.
I dont see that you can change focus of the relationship. You are so used to things a certain way that you cannot change. The only way would be to completely give the relationship over to God, and for that I see alone time...time to get right with God. For God gave Adam Eve only after Adam had God. God must always come first.
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DeezyC81
Guest
chrisd53 said:
Hmmmm.... I'll think about it. I really say it all depends on the person and what they agree on and how they do things. Do they do it God's way or their way? Which if you do it your way, it won't work and if you do it God's way it'll work.
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I guess everyone pretty much thinks that you should break up, huh?
Well, I can't tell you what's right and wrong. But as for your dilema about when/how to break up... I can affirmatively say, "Just do it." If that's what you want or need to do, of course. There's never a "good" time to break up... it sucks. You're telling someone that they just aren't right for you... and as true as it may be, it hurts, because as humans I think we all wish that a person we like would be crazy about us too.
But if you know that you're going to break up with her anyway, it's just wrong to keep going out with her looking for a "humane" time. I mean, I don't really know what your specific problem with dancing is, and I don't particularly need to know, but she doesn't have one and you are keeping her from having a fun time with her sister based on what you think is right and wrong. Fine to voice that opinion if you plan on spending the rest of your life with her... but if you know you're not going to end up with her, why do that? Why make her go through these ups and downs, that may ultimately have to do with her faith but seem to be brought on by you? You say she's apathetic. So I'm guessing she's not starting any debates with you. You seem to be the one pushing the issue... and while it's totally respectable from the perspective of witnessing, it doesn't seem to be working the way you want it to and instead neither one of you is growing all that much.
I'd have to disagree that a relationship between a believe and a (then) nonbeliever is "doomed". My dad was not religious in any sense when he married my mom, and now he's an elder at our church and the most spiritual and passionate man that I know. And my mom and he have a great relationship. But it was 20 something years in the making.
Anyway, my point is - do it if you're going to, and quit torturing each other.
Well, I can't tell you what's right and wrong. But as for your dilema about when/how to break up... I can affirmatively say, "Just do it." If that's what you want or need to do, of course. There's never a "good" time to break up... it sucks. You're telling someone that they just aren't right for you... and as true as it may be, it hurts, because as humans I think we all wish that a person we like would be crazy about us too.
But if you know that you're going to break up with her anyway, it's just wrong to keep going out with her looking for a "humane" time. I mean, I don't really know what your specific problem with dancing is, and I don't particularly need to know, but she doesn't have one and you are keeping her from having a fun time with her sister based on what you think is right and wrong. Fine to voice that opinion if you plan on spending the rest of your life with her... but if you know you're not going to end up with her, why do that? Why make her go through these ups and downs, that may ultimately have to do with her faith but seem to be brought on by you? You say she's apathetic. So I'm guessing she's not starting any debates with you. You seem to be the one pushing the issue... and while it's totally respectable from the perspective of witnessing, it doesn't seem to be working the way you want it to and instead neither one of you is growing all that much.
I'd have to disagree that a relationship between a believe and a (then) nonbeliever is "doomed". My dad was not religious in any sense when he married my mom, and now he's an elder at our church and the most spiritual and passionate man that I know. And my mom and he have a great relationship. But it was 20 something years in the making.
Anyway, my point is - do it if you're going to, and quit torturing each other.
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hasnoname
Senior Member
I was never saying that it was doomed at all. I was just saying that it is not a good idea. Yes the relationships work, but not very often. The only way it will work is if it is God's will. A story comes to mind, but I honestly cannot remember the names...but is right out of Scripture and God tells a man to marry a prostitute. So it can work...but it has to be God's will. From my experience I would never get back into a relationship like that...but God could tell you to...so I guess I should have said that instead...not given you my own convictions. I hope both will help.
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