I lost my Nanna on the 29th June 2005, two weeks ago last night.
My Nan raised me from the age of 5 yrs old, when my parents divorced and didn't want me anymore either. She was my Rock! and now she's gone and i don't know how to move on.
My Nan was my Best Friend (even though i'm married with four Children), she was the one i turned to, talked to, and knew was always there if i needed her!
She always protected me, and cheered me up when i was down. I miss her so much! I used to ring her everyday, we would laugh, cry, joke. My Nan was that special person that i could talk to about absolutely anything and she wouldn't judge. If things were hard she'd tell me "Chin up, i'll always be here". Now she's not!
I sat with Nan for the five days she was in hospital, without sleeping, although i tried hard to sleep i just couldn't no matter how hard i tried. Through nine heart attacks i stayed by her side, fearing to leave in case i wasn't there for her like she's been there for me. I rubbed her back and gave her drinks, talked with her through it all. I was even there when they "jump started" her. Actually after that she came around really good for a whole day and i even wheeled her outside in a chair. She slept a lot but woke many times and i told her everything i ever wanted to say. She would squeeze my hand, and i knew she could hear me. I held her and kissed her, and told her to go if she needed to, to be at peace, i would be fine. I said all the brave things they told me to say, so as not to make her feel guilty or hold on, but deep down i just wanted to pick her up and take her home, it was like a bad dream. I tried to stay so brave. I was with her when she took her last breath, i had nervous butterflies in my stomach and coming out of my mouth just knowing that moment was coming. I did have an amazing moment with her though... (it was decided that the monitors etc. were to be removed as she was now non responsive 28 hours before she passed away), it was two hours before she took her last breath and she'd been lying there for 26 hours, "peacefully sleeping", my Mother walked out of the room to go and get something to eat (my birth Mother was with me at that time but hardly spoke a word to me, family can be so cruel), there was a male nurse in the room with me, and my Nan said my name! She woke up and spoke to me in full sentences, we told each other of our love and she told me "not to worry, we'll meet again", then she just turned to me and said "i'm really tired, i'm going back to sleep". The nurse came over and was kind of shaking her, as they'd already pronounced her "non responsive". Her breathing got very rattly and chesty after that, and i knew the time was coming. I was torn between wanting to be there with her and being so scared and wanting to run. Fifteen minutes before she passed, the rattly and chesty breathing stopped and she was breathing so easily and so peaceful. I watched her take her last breath and then i fell to pieces.
I layed with her for hours afterward, just holding her and not wanting to let go. I still feel like this is a nightmare and i can't wake up. I just couldn't leave, the nurses were so amazing (St Vincents Hospital, Melbourne), they told me to stay as long as i needed. When they'd turned the monitors off they'd put us in a private room, on a quiet floor, and really left us alone, except to come in and turn her every so often. I lost my Nan at 9:31pm (my Mother left within five minutes) and i was still with her at about 12:15am when i felt the room go deathly cold, the heating was on and i had a thick jacket on, but it was absolutely freezing just all of a sudden. I walked out of the room for a minute and was talking to one of the nurses, she followed me back in and the first thing she said was "god it's cold in here". I knew then i had to pull myself together, i walked over and kissed her forehead, and then dragged myself out of the hospital. I think i sat out the front for another few hours as i don't really remember.
I think i'm finding it so hard because, i have never lost anyone before and the first person i have to deal with is the closest person i've ever had. I seem to know these things but i still can't pull myself together. I don't have other family (besides hubby & kids), my Mother went her own way after she handed me over to Nanna and i've hardly seen her for about 17 years, my Father has his own life and another family, which he's never welcomed me into.
How long will i be like this? How can i "chin up and get on with it" when i feel like i do?! How do i think and speak about all the happy memories like people keep telling me to do, without bursting into tears?! I go to the cemetery and have to tear myself away, i just can't leave her there! I feel like i'm being a spoilt child, but i can't help feeling like i do, it just hurts so much. I JUST WANT MY NAN BACK!!
I've always been really confused about Heaven or anything like that, i just wasn't brought up in a religious household. Although i have thought about it many times, but it's very confusing because so many people tell you different stories, but i do believe there is something powerful out there, i'm just confused on the "form" of it! That's why i thought this forum might be good as someone might be able to help me a little.
I sit hear crying as i'm writing this (what else have i done in the last two weeks), but i do also feel happy for my Nan to be with them again. I know she would be worried for me, and feel terrible that i'm upset but i don't want to make her feel guilt, when hopefully she is so happy. I know she would have been torn between wanting to stay with me and going to them, which i think is the reason she held on for 28 hours, after they said she wouldn't last 2. But i'm glad she stayed for those beautiful hours i got to spend with my most Treasured Nanna, i'm glad i got to say the things i did, even though they hurt so much at the time, knowing it was the end. She was so precious to me and even though i say these things, i still can't seem to pull myself together. Is this normal or am i being like a spoilt child?!
My Husband is here, and he's supportive with most things, but grief isn't one of them unfortunately. I think it (death) is something that scares him, so i feel very alone.
Two days before i lost her, she seemed quite confused and was speaking to a nurse and me about her Father Brother and Gran, and when were they coming to see her. I thought at the time, maybe her mind is also failing and she thinks they're still alive, but now, i kind of think, maybe she knew... maybe she was waiting to see them. She loved them so much and missed them so! She was a Daddy's little girl and mourned for him her whole life. I hope and pray that she is happy with them now and playing their beautiful music once again. Is she?
My Nan was a music teacher and i still have such lovely tapes she recorded for my Children with nursery rhymes, she was playing the piano and singing. My Great Grandfather was a violinist with the Melbourne Symphany Orchestra, and my Great Uncle (her most favourite Brother, whom i remember so well) was also a Chelloist in the Orchestra. They were such great musicians. These are all the people i grew up with, old values, i feel so privileged to have known them, and so glad they taught me the things they did. I hope my Beautiful Nan is with them and playing music together once again like she so missed and just... being together again. My Grandfather, whom i was close to as a young child, but he was older than my Nan and passed away many years ago, would be so thrilled to hold her again (smile) they were always like a honeymoon couple.
I do hope my Nan is out there, she's not in that terrible hole i visit, that's probably the one thing i can't handle. Not knowing if she's ok, not knowing where she is. She was terribly afraid of death and always promised me she'd make sure i knew she was alright. But she hasn't?!
Is this true? Is it really true that they don't really die in a sense but they just pass over? Will i ever see my Nan again?
My Nan raised me from the age of 5 yrs old, when my parents divorced and didn't want me anymore either. She was my Rock! and now she's gone and i don't know how to move on.
My Nan was my Best Friend (even though i'm married with four Children), she was the one i turned to, talked to, and knew was always there if i needed her!
She always protected me, and cheered me up when i was down. I miss her so much! I used to ring her everyday, we would laugh, cry, joke. My Nan was that special person that i could talk to about absolutely anything and she wouldn't judge. If things were hard she'd tell me "Chin up, i'll always be here". Now she's not!
I sat with Nan for the five days she was in hospital, without sleeping, although i tried hard to sleep i just couldn't no matter how hard i tried. Through nine heart attacks i stayed by her side, fearing to leave in case i wasn't there for her like she's been there for me. I rubbed her back and gave her drinks, talked with her through it all. I was even there when they "jump started" her. Actually after that she came around really good for a whole day and i even wheeled her outside in a chair. She slept a lot but woke many times and i told her everything i ever wanted to say. She would squeeze my hand, and i knew she could hear me. I held her and kissed her, and told her to go if she needed to, to be at peace, i would be fine. I said all the brave things they told me to say, so as not to make her feel guilty or hold on, but deep down i just wanted to pick her up and take her home, it was like a bad dream. I tried to stay so brave. I was with her when she took her last breath, i had nervous butterflies in my stomach and coming out of my mouth just knowing that moment was coming. I did have an amazing moment with her though... (it was decided that the monitors etc. were to be removed as she was now non responsive 28 hours before she passed away), it was two hours before she took her last breath and she'd been lying there for 26 hours, "peacefully sleeping", my Mother walked out of the room to go and get something to eat (my birth Mother was with me at that time but hardly spoke a word to me, family can be so cruel), there was a male nurse in the room with me, and my Nan said my name! She woke up and spoke to me in full sentences, we told each other of our love and she told me "not to worry, we'll meet again", then she just turned to me and said "i'm really tired, i'm going back to sleep". The nurse came over and was kind of shaking her, as they'd already pronounced her "non responsive". Her breathing got very rattly and chesty after that, and i knew the time was coming. I was torn between wanting to be there with her and being so scared and wanting to run. Fifteen minutes before she passed, the rattly and chesty breathing stopped and she was breathing so easily and so peaceful. I watched her take her last breath and then i fell to pieces.
I layed with her for hours afterward, just holding her and not wanting to let go. I still feel like this is a nightmare and i can't wake up. I just couldn't leave, the nurses were so amazing (St Vincents Hospital, Melbourne), they told me to stay as long as i needed. When they'd turned the monitors off they'd put us in a private room, on a quiet floor, and really left us alone, except to come in and turn her every so often. I lost my Nan at 9:31pm (my Mother left within five minutes) and i was still with her at about 12:15am when i felt the room go deathly cold, the heating was on and i had a thick jacket on, but it was absolutely freezing just all of a sudden. I walked out of the room for a minute and was talking to one of the nurses, she followed me back in and the first thing she said was "god it's cold in here". I knew then i had to pull myself together, i walked over and kissed her forehead, and then dragged myself out of the hospital. I think i sat out the front for another few hours as i don't really remember.
I think i'm finding it so hard because, i have never lost anyone before and the first person i have to deal with is the closest person i've ever had. I seem to know these things but i still can't pull myself together. I don't have other family (besides hubby & kids), my Mother went her own way after she handed me over to Nanna and i've hardly seen her for about 17 years, my Father has his own life and another family, which he's never welcomed me into.
How long will i be like this? How can i "chin up and get on with it" when i feel like i do?! How do i think and speak about all the happy memories like people keep telling me to do, without bursting into tears?! I go to the cemetery and have to tear myself away, i just can't leave her there! I feel like i'm being a spoilt child, but i can't help feeling like i do, it just hurts so much. I JUST WANT MY NAN BACK!!
I've always been really confused about Heaven or anything like that, i just wasn't brought up in a religious household. Although i have thought about it many times, but it's very confusing because so many people tell you different stories, but i do believe there is something powerful out there, i'm just confused on the "form" of it! That's why i thought this forum might be good as someone might be able to help me a little.
I sit hear crying as i'm writing this (what else have i done in the last two weeks), but i do also feel happy for my Nan to be with them again. I know she would be worried for me, and feel terrible that i'm upset but i don't want to make her feel guilt, when hopefully she is so happy. I know she would have been torn between wanting to stay with me and going to them, which i think is the reason she held on for 28 hours, after they said she wouldn't last 2. But i'm glad she stayed for those beautiful hours i got to spend with my most Treasured Nanna, i'm glad i got to say the things i did, even though they hurt so much at the time, knowing it was the end. She was so precious to me and even though i say these things, i still can't seem to pull myself together. Is this normal or am i being like a spoilt child?!
My Husband is here, and he's supportive with most things, but grief isn't one of them unfortunately. I think it (death) is something that scares him, so i feel very alone.
Two days before i lost her, she seemed quite confused and was speaking to a nurse and me about her Father Brother and Gran, and when were they coming to see her. I thought at the time, maybe her mind is also failing and she thinks they're still alive, but now, i kind of think, maybe she knew... maybe she was waiting to see them. She loved them so much and missed them so! She was a Daddy's little girl and mourned for him her whole life. I hope and pray that she is happy with them now and playing their beautiful music once again. Is she?
My Nan was a music teacher and i still have such lovely tapes she recorded for my Children with nursery rhymes, she was playing the piano and singing. My Great Grandfather was a violinist with the Melbourne Symphany Orchestra, and my Great Uncle (her most favourite Brother, whom i remember so well) was also a Chelloist in the Orchestra. They were such great musicians. These are all the people i grew up with, old values, i feel so privileged to have known them, and so glad they taught me the things they did. I hope my Beautiful Nan is with them and playing music together once again like she so missed and just... being together again. My Grandfather, whom i was close to as a young child, but he was older than my Nan and passed away many years ago, would be so thrilled to hold her again (smile) they were always like a honeymoon couple.
I do hope my Nan is out there, she's not in that terrible hole i visit, that's probably the one thing i can't handle. Not knowing if she's ok, not knowing where she is. She was terribly afraid of death and always promised me she'd make sure i knew she was alright. But she hasn't?!
Is this true? Is it really true that they don't really die in a sense but they just pass over? Will i ever see my Nan again?
