My mum wants to live with me and my future husband

[Ruby Beads]

I'm 26 and my boyfriend is 27. I currently live with my mum who is 63 years old. I have a brother who's 28 and lives away from home with his girlfriend. We are all practising christians. Now, my dad died 9 years ago, so I am all my mum has (since my brother only visits twice a year). She often says to me that she would like to live with me and my husband when I get married. I wouldn't mind, since I can't imagine putting my mum in a old people's home. I would want to look after her. My boyfriend agrees and says he wouldn't mind her living with us. Plus eventually she could help look after our children if she is still able.

I'm worried that she would butt into all my business with how to raise my children, or how to deal with my husband. even though she says she wouldn't, I'm not sure if she would stick to her word. I'm afraid that this would cause a bad atmosphere between me and my husband.

So I am wondering if anyone out there has the same situation where they have an elderly mum or dad living with them and their family?

 

[The Nihilist]

My grandmother is in a retirement home near my parents' place. On the one hand, she doesn't love the place. She doesn't like the food, and she's not in love with her neighbors. (Of course, she's kind of a cranky lady to begin with, but that's neither here nor there.)
But because of the proximity to my parents, they have her over for dinner twice a week. Though she isn't anything but gracious about it, my mother is not happy with it. If she lived with them, I'm confident my mom would park herself in the garage and leave the car running. Not because my grandmother is awful, but because she needs some breathing room, she needs her own space with her husband (my dad), away from her mother in law.
Put her in a home. Have her over, hang out with her, but make sure she has a life separate from you two, and make sure you have some place to go when she's driving you crazy.
Oh! Additionally, and probably more importantly, as your mother gets older, she's going to need care that neither of you will like giving. It's better to have nurses on hand for those situations and for emergencies.

 

[Singermom]

My family went through the extreme. When I was a teenager my parents had BOTH Grandmothers living with us! All 5 of my older siblings were off & married (or in the army) so it was just me & my younger brother home and we had an extra room. One grandmother (the 1st one to move in) took the room across the hall from me...the second moved into my room.

It was terrible. These two women HATED each other. Dad's mother was very strong-willed, and Mom's mother was in the very beginning stages of Alzheimer's. Since my father worked full-time, my mother worked part-time but did all of the shopping & housework, and my brother was really too young for them to relate to...it was MY attention these 2 women literally fought over. Usually one wouldn't pay me any mind until the other did...then it was WWIII.

(I won't get into the stupid rules my roommate-grandmother set up for "our" room.)

As a result of that, my mother has it IN WRITING that, should my dad predecease her, she is NOT to live with me. Even if for some reason she can't live with one of my siblings, she actually LIKES retirement homes and would rather go there. She says that I've done my time.

None to worry, tho: my parents (who are 81 and 78) have an apartment in a senior apartment complex: independent living with emergency buzzers everywhere.

I won't even discuss my MIL...

 

[bliz]

Proceed with caution!

First, do not do this as soon as you are married. Give yourselfs some time to build the marriage relationship first.

And look for a home with an attached apartment.

 

[LyraJean]

Have a house with a mother-in-law suite. Either as a separate building or in your home but where she has her own bathroom and kitchen and entrance. This way she has no reason to come through your part of the house unless it is to visit you.

Also set ground rules. The three of you can work on them and agree what they should be together. Such as if mom hears you and hubby having an argument she won't interfere or whatever.

 

[Ruby Beads]

Thanks guys for all your input. @ the Nihilist, I would never feel happy if I put my mum in a home. I've looked after my dad when I was younger and he had strokes and arthritus and diabetes. and I had to do a lot of things that were tough, though I still did them. However, getting a nurse does sound like a good idea. I would want to do as much as I could for my mum, but if or when it gets too hard I could get a nurse in to pick up the slack.

@singermom, that situation is extreme indeed I never knew my grandparents, except my mum's mum who i met once briefly before she died. I think because my dad died 9 years ago, so my mum is all by herself I feel even more protective over her. if my dad was still around I wouldn't even be thinking about having my mum to live with me as she would've had my dad. but that's not the case unfortunately.

@ bliz. Yeah that's what I intend to do, for sure. To get married and when we get back from honeymoon we meet my mum who's moved her stuff into my house......well, that would be WAY too much.

@LyraJean. I intend to get an anex- extention for the house where she'd have her own bathroom and kitchen and bedroom. and a separate entrance too. that should makes things easier. And having ground rules is a good idea too. as I know that my mum would want to interfere.

 

[Singermom]

Oh, man! I just had a memory flash!

Years before the Grandmothers moved in with us, my mother designed her "dream home". I'll never forget it (especially since it really looked professionally designed, and my mother never even graduated from high school). It was a "T"-shaped house, all one floor; the -- part of the T were 2 separate apartments - one for each grandmother, each with full living room, kitchen and bath!

It was a gorgeous home: ample bedrooms, KILLER living room & kitchen, finished basement/game room leading to a huge in-ground swimming pool, with a pool shower right at the entrance.

That piece of paper has been gone for years; *sigh* what I wouldn't give to have that...

 

[Ruby Beads]

@ singermom, wow that house sounds awesome! Hm....gives me an idea of what kind of house I would need to look for. the house that I currently live in belongs to me, my brother and my mum. But my brother has lived away from home for 7 years and is settled with his girlfriend. So, maybe my future husband and I could live in the house I'm in with my mum, as it's big enough. already has a large downstairs bedroom with en-suite shower-room....

 

[LovesToBless]

Sounds like an in-law type arrangement would be very good for you all. Depending on your mother's health, I think 63 would be quite a young age to go "into a home" anyway.

When we bought our first house, my mother lived with us for a while and she had her own apartment type arrangement with it's own door. We couldn't get to each other without going outside. She liked her privacy and her time alone, so that was no issue. Eventually she got an apartment in senior housing, which was less than 10 minutes from us, and that worked out well too.

 

[Forealzchola]

63 is kind of young to be in a retirement home...is she ill? I would say dont do it....not in the beginning of your marriage anyway..you should enjoy alone time with your husband...getting to know him...living together before you bring someone else into the picture

 

[K9_Trainer]

I agree with proceeding with caution.

Ideally, something like a duplex would be nice, where you're together, but you and your future husband have one side and your mom has the other. But if not possible, I find as ideal a house as you can where you can have your privacy, and then set down ground rules.