my mom??

[lynnbeau]

I think my mom has bpd. I am just beginning to realize this. She is 56. So many memories of her anger this week.

 

[SplendidTree]

Praying for you and your mom.

 

[lynnbeau]

Thank you. I appreciate your prayers. I am just coming to terms with the idea, but it all just makes sense. She is mad at me now for her being late for my daughter's birthday party, I left without her (but my daughter told her to just meet us at the park before we left). She didn't come and it is just a 2 minute walk from where we live. She came to my house a few days later demanding an apology and accusing me of being hostile towards her. Since then she has been putting stuff on facebook about my daughterhood (seems to happen often - saying I'm a bad daughter). I've just bought some books online, so hopefully they'll be able to help me cope with this. My oldest daughter is already feeling resentment towards her for the way she treats me. That is tough.

 

[madison1101]

I think my Mom is an undiagnosed Borderline. Problem is, she also has Bipolar Disorder, so she was only treated for the latter.

My ex read Stop Walking on Eggshells and gave each of my children copies as well. Praise the Lord, I started improving after he left me.

I've also read a book called Understanding the Borderline Mother. My older son read it after he graduated from grad school. It helped him understand me. He still had tons of questions, and we still talk about things when he brings them up. He has told me that we are close because I have taken responsibility for my behavior when he was a kid, and did not make excuses.

 

[lynnbeau]

I just ordered those 2 books along with a couple of others.
I don't think my mom would ever take responsibility for her behaviour. She just wants everyone else to be responsible for it. Her relationships with others have suffered for it. My older brother became estranged 5 years ago - I mean it wasn't JUST my mom who caused the problems there, but in the process, she also lost her sisters. For some reason her friends that she painted with 'disappeared' - not sure what happened there. I can only speculate. My younger brother went traveling the world and ended up staying in Norway. So, I was left with managing my mother and the one to receive the brunt of her outbursts and unreasonable behaviour. I am so tired and I just can't keep going anymore, especially when she tells the 'world' how awful of a daughter I am - and an awful mother for showing my children how to treat a parent so horribly. My mom is still married and I think my dad has either resigned himself to her or he follows along when she gets angry - he gets angry, too - depends upon the issue.
I get scared that I might have these same tendencies. I never want to hurt my children like she has hurt me.
I am so glad that your son has his mom. I wish I had that.
I just don't know what to do about my children. How do I approach them having a relationship with grandma?? If they even should? My daughter has little interest at this point. At church on Sunday, my mom asked her if she was mad at her. My daughter said "A little bit" (she didn't want to be totally honest since it would hurt my mom and she may have been scared of my mom's reaction). My mom's response? "Well, I'm not mad at you." She has no reason to be mad at my daughter! Why would she even say that? Like my daughter shouldn't be mad at her b/c she's not mad at my daughter??

 

[madison1101]

I just ordered those 2 books along with a couple of others.
I don't think my mom would ever take responsibility for her behaviour. She just wants everyone else to be responsible for it. Her relationships with others have suffered for it. My older brother became estranged 5 years ago - I mean it wasn't JUST my mom who caused the problems there, but in the process, she also lost her sisters. For some reason her friends that she painted with 'disappeared' - not sure what happened there. I can only speculate. My younger brother went traveling the world and ended up staying in Norway. So, I was left with managing my mother and the one to receive the brunt of her outbursts and unreasonable behaviour. I am so tired and I just can't keep going anymore, especially when she tells the 'world' how awful of a daughter I am - and an awful mother for showing my children how to treat a parent so horribly. My mom is still married and I think my dad has either resigned himself to her or he follows along when she gets angry - he gets angry, too - depends upon the issue.
I get scared that I might have these same tendencies. I never want to hurt my children like she has hurt me.
I am so glad that your son has his mom. I wish I had that.
I just don't know what to do about my children. How do I approach them having a relationship with grandma?? If they even should? My daughter has little interest at this point. At church on Sunday, my mom asked her if she was mad at her. My daughter said "A little bit" (she didn't want to be totally honest since it would hurt my mom and she may have been scared of my mom's reaction). My mom's response? "Well, I'm not mad at you." She has no reason to be mad at my daughter! Why would she even say that? Like my daughter shouldn't be mad at her b/c she's not mad at my daughter??

I suggest you, and possibly your kids, get into some psychotherapy for yourselves. I don't know how old your children are. My kids and I had a bad relationship until I took responsibility after my divorce. My ex and I are friends now, and I get invited to his house by him and his wife, when my kids are in town. They stay with him, because I have a small apartment.

All of my kids have been in therapy at some point, both as kids, and as adults. In order to survive a close relationship with someone with borderline tendencies, one needs psychotherapy. That is where the family member learns coping skills, communication strategies, and how to set boundaries with the borderline relative.

I hope your mother gets the helps she obviously needs.

 

[lynnbeau]

I am seeking some counseling. I know I can't do this by myself. I need help dealing with this. My daughter is 11 - my son is 8 and my youngest daughter is 6. My mother just called me and it is the same way a conversation goes after she gets mad at me - it's just a vicious cycle. No reasoning at all. A lot of projecting, deflecting, blame, etc. I was just mostly quiet since I know it is pointless to argue with her. Getting some counseling for my daughter might be something to look into as well. I appreciate the idea.

 

[emmliy]

We Are Here For You To.anytime You Want To Talk

 

[RuthD]

I am seeking some counseling. I know I can't do this by myself. I need help dealing with this. My daughter is 11 - my son is 8 and my youngest daughter is 6. My mother just called me and it is the same way a conversation goes after she gets mad at me - it's just a vicious cycle. No reasoning at all. A lot of projecting, deflecting, blame, etc. I was just mostly quiet since I know it is pointless to argue with her. Getting some counseling for my daughter might be something to look into as well. I appreciate the idea.

I'm sorry that your mom is acting meanly to you. I will pray for her and you.

 

[emmliy]

im still praying for you,x

 

[drjean]

Anytime someone has to deal with being dissociative, well, they will have trouble owning up to things they say and do... because they can't recall it if they dissociated.

Borderline personality disorder, commonly referred to as BPD, involves a wide variety of different symptoms including the following: impulsivity, fears of abandonment, explosive emotions, roller coaster emotions, self-harm, feelings of emptiness and dissociation.

I think therapy with someone who specializes in the dissociative disorders is good advice. Sometimes people who are misdiagnosed do receive more than one label, and only treated for one, if that. Dissociative disorders: Symptoms - MayoClinic.com

It's difficult at best to live with someone who suffers from one of these disorders...but often understanding what they can and cannot learn to control will help everyone.

Try not to take things personally from anyone who suffers with mental unwellness... as some have shared here, it is often more about them than you. ((((safe hug))))

 

[lynnbeau]

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your words and prayers. I have been doing a lot of reading about BPD. It really does help to understand that it is very likely a mental disorder...but undoing so many years of hurt is going to be a lot of work. This week, I remembered that she had told me I was an ugly baby - this was when I was a teenager - not exactly the best age to be saying that! I asked her why she even told me that and her response was "well, do you want me to lie to you?". How about not saying that at all? I didn't think I was an 'ugly baby'. Around the same time, she told me I had an ugly smile. She must remember that b/c she tells me that I have a beautiful smile every once in a while now. But, the damage was already done! I see so many things in such a different light now. Although it is painful to revisit those hurtful times when I believed I was just a 'bad daughter', an awful person, to blame for all the family problems - or my mother's angry outbursts and rages, etc. I need to see them from a very different perspective for my own healing.
Things are going as well as can be expected. I am so thankful to have a husband who is so thoughtful loving and caring.

 

[emmliy]

you seem a verynice person to me lynn.my ex hubby would always pull me down like that

and you start thinking yr not nice and no one likes you ,i no now that im a nice person and i have lots of friends , god love you and me the way we are,x

 

[lynnbeau]

Thanks. I am a nice person and I have been a very good daughter. I know that now. Just had another 'episode' with my mother over the phone. She called me and I had to confront her about some things she had told my 11 year old when I specifically told her to not discuss our problems with her. She hung up on me, but before she did, she was sobbing and told me that she didn't want to live anymore - she had said that several times during the discussion and I told her she needed to get to the hospital if she felt like dying. I made a phone call to her dr - he wasn't, but I left a msg with the receptionist and hopefully he will call me back tomorrow. I had never called her dr before. I don't believe he gets the full story from her anyway - about her health.

But after this episode, I did not get upset! I feel God's peace! I know this was the right thing to do. I can no longer carry the burden of my mom's - and dad's - suicide threats. They both need to begin taking responsibility for their behaviour. What a relief to let this go! WOW! A great weight has been taken off of my shoulders!

 

[madison1101]

Thanks. I am a nice person and I have been a very good daughter. I know that now. Just had another 'episode' with my mother over the phone. She called me and I had to confront her about some things she had told my 11 year old when I specifically told her to not discuss our problems with her. She hung up on me, but before she did, she was sobbing and told me that she didn't want to live anymore - she had said that several times during the discussion and I told her she needed to get to the hospital if she felt like dying. I made a phone call to her dr - he wasn't, but I left a msg with the receptionist and hopefully he will call me back tomorrow. I had never called her dr before. I don't believe he gets the full story from her anyway - about her health.

But after this episode, I did not get upset! I feel God's peace! I know this was the right thing to do. I can no longer carry the burden of my mom's - and dad's - suicide threats. They both need to begin taking responsibility for their behaviour. What a relief to let this go! WOW! A great weight has been taken off of my shoulders!

I understand that manipulative suicide threatening behavior. Unfortunately, I used it when I was first married. Tore my husband apart.

Now that I have studied social work, and actually worked in a psychiatric hospital, I can make what I believe is a good suggestion regarding your mother's suicide threats. Next time she threatens suicide, find out her location, and then call 911. Tell them your mother is threatening suicide and needs to be 302ed into a psych hospital, and give them her address. Do that every time she threatens suicide. She is crying out for attention by making those threats. It's not your job to give her psychiatric attention. If she is threatening suicide, she needs professionals in the psych unit to pay attention to her.

Being 302ed is to be involuntarily committed

 

[emmliy]

good morning.hope you will have a good day

 

[emmliy]

..\\\|||/........
....... (..◕ ◕..)....
_oooO__(_)__Oooo

 

[lynnbeau]

Thanks Madison - I am in Canada, I wonder if it would be the same code. I wasn't sure if my parents were int he car or if they were in their motorhome. I should've called 911. I didn't think of confirming where they are at. I asked my younger brother to call them - although he is in Norway - but I know they will ignore my phone calls as we are now in the 'silent treatment' stage of the episode. Although, if I call a few times and they don't answer, I suppose that would be another reason to call 911?? Right? `My dad really isn't helpful here at all. He talks about dying, too. No reason to live except my children. It is too bad that dad won't 'put on the pants' so to speak and actually do something to help her instead of blaming his kids for her condition! It is so frustrating to see him just sit back and do NOTHING. I would fully expect my husband to step in and get me help - do something at least - if I was in that condition. Although I fully understand that mom has to make her own choice to get help, but dad can help or hinder and right now, he is hindering. Yes, I am not responsible for her psychiatric care - neither is my 11 year old! But this new episode just confirmed my desire to back off. She has completely destroyed our relationship.

emmliy - you are an encouragement, too. Today will be a good day although it is raining and grey outside.

I keep having 'new' memories - or I guess memories I've thought of before, but new b/c I see them in a new light. They are painful things, but freeing, too - as I can see that I wasn't a bad little girl. I was innocent. Oh, how a child's innocence can be stolen - in so many ways! I am thankful for my Saviour!

 

[emmliy]

i no how you fell lynn

 

[lynnbeau]

I wish there were 'like' buttons for this forum!! Like on fb!