I was born and raised in a conservative church. Religion was a constant mainstay in my life. I went to church every Sunday, attended parochial school, and never had any real contact with the "outside" world. No TV's, no radios, and computers were not really accepted either. We could drive vehicles, but make/model were regulated as well. Women wore dresses, and a head covering. The men were required to wear beards. I grew up in a society laced with rules, claiming to be God ordained. I had some sort of experience with God personally at 12, although looking back now I really don't think I was born-again at that point. I was baptized, and, down on my knees, promised to be "faithful to God and his church as long as I lived." My teen years were stormy. I was a silent and shy kid, scared of my own shadow. I seemed to be constantly angry. I was irritated with church youth group...the cruelty of the peer system, but yet constantly flaunting how they were "The One True Church" made me sick. At 17, I found horses. And my heart started to break free. Through these incredible animals, God started opening up a channel to the outside world. Also, at age 17, my mom was excommunicated from the church, sending our home into a turmoil. I wasn't sure what to think about her soul's salvation, or mine. I had been raised to believe that if you left the church, you were going straight to hell. I still didn't have a personal relationship with Christ, and my life revolved around staying inside the rules and "acting" Godly. Then, in August of 97, my cousin died in a diving accident. He was states away, I in Wisconsin and he in Mississippi, but his death shook me to the core. I cried for days, and no one could figure it out. I came home refined. I never sighed a prayer, but during that time God washed my heart clean. I felt like I was glowing with happiness. I spent the next couple of years sorting out the church system. I didn't want to risk leaving if I was dooming myself. Finally, at age 20, it caught up with me. The head honchos realized I was having second thoughts, and tried for 2 years to convince me to stay with them. During this time, I attended church, haphazardly. I went more for the social part of it then for actual Godly edification. I'd sleep through the sermons in plain sight of the ministers. I think they began to realize that I was a losing battle for them. 
Finally, at age 22, they expelled me. It's been a tough 3 years. Many many hills to walk, and valleys to go through. But I have come to a deep love for God and all that He entails. I now lean more on Him then I would've ever dreamed possible in that church. I am still paranoid about churches, and don't attend one. I feel like such a baby sometimes, ignorant about Jesus and all the He is. I feel like I am a constant work in progress.
Finally, at age 22, they expelled me. It's been a tough 3 years. Many many hills to walk, and valleys to go through. But I have come to a deep love for God and all that He entails. I now lean more on Him then I would've ever dreamed possible in that church. I am still paranoid about churches, and don't attend one. I feel like such a baby sometimes, ignorant about Jesus and all the He is. I feel like I am a constant work in progress.
