My label

blackribbon · Jan 16, 2012

I'm not sure who or what I am.

At 46, I'm not old but I don't feel young anymore either...and Billy's death aged me more than I would have done naturally.

I am not legally married, but I don't feel "single"...I still factor my husband's "opinions" into many of my decisions. Also, when I'm not talking to God, I "talk" to Billy.

I have lived a lifetime...but I'm also starting a completely "new" life right down to starting a brand new career.

I'm thankful that my church doesn't have Sunday School because I'm not sure which class I'd belong in. I was incomplete crisis at the last one...I didn't fit in with the married couples of my old class...(social groups were about strengthening marriages). I also didn't quit fit in with the "older" widows...they didn't know what to do with me and just said things like "those poor children".

I also am trying to figure out if I belong in the "single mother's" group because although I am alone, I find that many of my issues with my kids don't match other singles...and I'm not really good at hearing people complain about their ex-spouses. And no matter how much I wish for a weekend "off", it isn't going to happen because they can't go visit their dad.

I am having an complete identity crisis...and my kids won't let me go "find myself" for a summer (LOL).

redwind · Jan 16, 2012

Blackribbon, I know what you mean. I am 52 and it has been almost two years since I lost my husband. I don't belong anywhere. We did not have any children and my only family is a brother who is 18 years older and 500 miles away. I am too young to fit in with most "widows". I am too old to fit in with most "singles". Most people my age wheter married or single have kids or grandkids to keep them busy. I don't have anyone. I go to a church with mostly elderly retired people, so I don't fit in there. My neighborhood is wonderful, but again mostly elderly retired people.

All of this just adds to the lonliness. I seldom give myself a day off, becaue it seems there is ALWAYS something that has to be done. When I do let down and relax I think about my husband and I miss him so much I can barely stand it.

I wish I had some words of wisdom. But, I don't. Honestly I think we all have to just get over each hurdle as it comes. I pray that some day I will be able to be happy again.
I wish the best for you!

ComesoonmyLORD · Jan 21, 2012

Same here. I don't really fit in with anyone, not completely. Part here and part there, but not completely. We just have to remember, we're in this group and the most important group of all, with Christ. He understands. Press On!

Christianwidow · Jan 22, 2012

Me too. Even though I am an older widow, it is still the same for me just as it is for all of you. I don't look at myself as being "single" even though in the eyes of the world, I am. I am a "widow". There is a big difference. And even though I have been a widow for nearing 11 years, my journey is not as it once was. But I continue to Press On with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I love You, Jesus.

Christian Widow

NoelAsa · Jan 22, 2012

blackribbon, you are not alone. I also was widowed 4 1/2 years ago. I don't think of myself as single, but I don't fit into the married group anymore. It is a difficult place to be at. I wish I had some good advice for you, but all I can tell you is that it does get better.

Sawer · Feb 16, 2012

I'm having the same issue of not fitting in. It seems like I'm a 5th wheel in some of my activities, I guess in time that may go away but maybe not. I don't like to hangout with people my age (71) because most of them aren't in as good of health that I am. I'm an avid cyclist and like to ride with folks in tier late 50's or early 60's most my age are too slow.
Glad I found this spot or should I say glad the Lord lead me here.

LPetal · Mar 3, 2012

I agree blackribbon, with almost everything you say on all your posts!

Widow does not = single, not the same at all. I was married twice. Divorced from a monster the first time, then after living 4/5ths of my life in hell, I finally met and married Eddie, my angel.

I had 1/5th of pure happiness with him, and he died 4 weeks ago.

My daughter is all grown up, so I don't have the 'issues' you have with children, but also I don't have any company in the house at all.

People can be so selfish and disappear and disappoint when you need them to most. Just someone to eat with or have an intelligent discussion with, would be nice.

I don't understand why I was given so much happiness and fun, only to have it taken away. My faith is in danger. If C.S. Lewis can struggle (A Grief Observed) well then... so can I!

blackribbon · Mar 3, 2012

First of all, so sorry that you have to join us...

Now new focus...would you rather God have never brought him into your life so that you could be spared the pain now?

I wouldn't give up a single day...even those awful days in early marriage where we didn't know if we would make it...those are the ones that ended up binding us together.

I think our death day is known to God before we are born...so Billy would probably have died of cancer whether or not I agreed to marry him. I was his gift...someone to stand by him and hold him and serve him during his last scary days. (He was my gift...the person that helped heal me of childhood wounds and taught me that I was loveable.)

If I had to have the sorrow in order to have the happiness, I'd do all again.

((hugs)) LPetal

LPetal · Mar 3, 2012

No of course not, Blackribbon

but it is only fresh and raw (4 1/2 weeks since he died) and it doesn't really make it any easier, the immediate loss of the intimacy is like someone cut my heart out whilst I am still alive.

So no, I would not have rather that we never had the great marriage, but I still feel the tremendous, serious trauma and don't feel that I am meant to be alone.

We were so close. I would say, after finishing treating my patients, "I'm going to the bathroom" (as he was my receptionist, so I've lost half my business as well), and I'd say "I'm going to the bathroom, and he'd say, sure, I'll go with you." And he'd come in hold my hand and we'd joke and laugh. THen he'd go up to hang up the clinic laundry and come down and say "I missed you. Sure I love you don't I?"

We never went shopping without the other... very close. I'm glad we had so many good days together, he made me a better person.

The loss is sharp and deep, and you're reply was a bit cutting, to be fair. Take it easy, it is all very fresh. Thank you.

blackribbon · Mar 3, 2012

I'm sorry.....I know you are fresh and it hurts deeply. I am very tired right now and disillusioned with people around me. I felt a need to respond but probably should have waited.

It is okay to feel sorry for yourself ... you lost a lot and he is worth the sadness.

The words just aren't coming out right today...so I'm not going to write too much more. I do understand what you are saying. I have "talked" to so many widow/ders who would get stuck in this attitude and couldn't move ahead. At 4 1/2 months, you are not stuck just starting to feel again. And it hurts.

I'm sorry that I didn't express myself gently enough.

LPetal · Mar 3, 2012

okay thank you for recognising this.

by the way, it is not 4 1/2 months it is 4 1/2 WEEKS.

blackribbon · Mar 3, 2012

Then I owe you even bigger of an apology...

At one month, you only need to focus on getting through each day...that is an accomplishment in itself. Survival is good enough. I am so sorry I didn't catch where you were at...

Cry and miss him and yes, it is a shame that you didn't get him much longer...we all deserved more time. Completely disregard what I said...it is not the least bit appropriate right now. It is okay to turn your focus inward and feel every bit of loss.

I can't apologize enough....this is a journey of baby steps...and reaching out is one of the best things you can do right now...I am so sorry I was a bump in that road and I will try my best to be a friend and a hand up from here on out...

LPetal · Mar 3, 2012

It's okay, really, don't mention it again, forgiven and forgotten.

I have been reading your posts and we think alike, so I was a bit surprised at first, but let's just move past it.

Hope your day gets better than what it has been.

I did try and write you but the system wouldn't let me b/c I am new, and since then I copied and pasted something to our pastor in Ireland, and so I lost my letter to you.

hopetoheal · Mar 30, 2012

Dear BlackRibbon,

I'm really touched by your story. I feel like you do (lost my husband in October) about my wedding ring. We used to click rings together, and I was so proud to be with him. I finally took off my ring and put it on a chain around my neck. Everyday, I just look down and see the dent mark around my finger from where the wedding ring was and I'm glad it's still there. Small comfort, but have been finding comfort in the Lord.

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