My inlaws hate me

[Velvetyrabbit]

I have been with my husband for going on three years, we had our ups and downs and are not perfect but we aspire to be.
My husband had a relationship go very bad before he met me and his parents knew all about it. I'm not sure if that has given them a negative view, but my only other option is that they are hateful and use religion as a disguise. Which I hope isn't the case.
Background
We dated about 9 months before he told his parents about me, by then we had fallen in love and talked of our future. He didn't want to tell them about me until he was sure of our future because he didn't want to hurt or distress them again.
They were not happy, they have never liked me, they say I am a manipulator, I have no shame, I am bad for him, I trick him, I cheat on him.
They have insulted me in every way possible, with no foundation to their insults.
We tried for 3 years to get them to accept me, to accept our relationship. They never have and they have become more cruel as time went on.
Never asking about me, ignoring my existence and only bringing me up to tell himsomrthing bad I did (though I never actually did anything) and telling him that he needs to leave me.
They have done everything possible to get him to breakup with me and have even told him to multiple times.
Now last week we found out we are having a baby, we got officially married the next day. The only reason we weren't married before was because we were trying to wait for them.
Now they are furious. And showing their true hateful colors, telling him their entire family thinks I'm trash, thinks I'm horrible, that I have no respect or shame, that I have trapped him into being with me, that I act like the man and he is less of a man for marrying me. That he can take the baby and have nothing to do with me, that the baby probably isn't even his.
Their words are killing my husband, tearing them apart to see them acting in such a way against me and saying such hateful things.
I am use to this but now he is seeing it full force. They are driving a wedge between them and him and saying its me who is doing this. I still have never talked or done anything against them. My husband and I dearly love eachother, we are so happy to be officially married and having a baby. I'm extremely well educated, I own my own successful business, physically I am healthy and good looking, I have never been I liked by anyone to my knowledge, I'm extremely friendly and kind. Though I am shy, I truly don't understand why they hate me.
I don't know what to do because they have talked about what an awful person I am to all of their friends and family, completely ostracizing me and turning everyone against us.
If they continue down this path I do not think I will be able to allow them to have a part in our child's life. It kills me to say that but I can not have my child in the middle of their hate.
Any advice, please!!! I am lost

 

[mkgal1]

Congratulations on your marriage and your new baby.

My opinion is that your husband's family have (fortunately, in a way) shown you right upfront what they're capable of---without any guilt at all (from the sounds of it)---so I wouldn't allow them to influence your child until they've shown some remorse for what they've already done. Your husband may have never been on their "wrong side" before (and who knows why they perceive him to be right now). Maybe they sense his genuine love for you (and know they've lost their manipulative grip on him).

Something I've noticed is that the people who generally claim (without even knowing the other person) that others are manipulative, controlling, cheaters, liars...etc are generally the ones that are much better representations of those labels themselves. Personally, if I were you.......I wouldn't want to have anything to do with them (but would be patient with whatever my husband were to choose to do for himself---just not with our child). You're not going to be able to "win them over".....it's not you (based on what you've posted).

Your husband may want to look into learning about narcissistic families. Here is some information: http://narcissistsupport.com/category/explaining-narcissists/

This is because a relationship of anykind with a Narcissist is a one-sided relationship, or what I call a “manipulationship.” Manipulative people are not solutions oriented, and they don’t seek to have an equal relationship with others.

A manipulative person’s goal is to gain (and keep) power and control over their victim and over the situation. They are not looking to have a fulfilling relationship.

 

[Velvetyrabbit]

Congratulations on your marriage and your new baby.

My opinion is that your husband's family have (fortunately, in a way) shown you right upfront what they're capable of---without any guilt at all (from the sounds of it)---so I wouldn't allow them to influence your child until they've shown some remorse for what they've already done. Your husband may have never been on their "wrong side" before (and who knows why they perceive him to be right now). Maybe they sense his genuine love for you (and know they've lost their manipulative grip on him).

Something I've noticed is that the people who generally claim (without even knowing the other person) that others are manipulative, controlling, cheaters, liars...etc are generally the ones that are much better representations of those labels themselves. Personally, if I were you.......I wouldn't want to have anything to do with them (but would be patient with whatever my husband were to choose to do for himself---just not with our child). You're not going to be able to "win them over".....it's not you (based on what you've posted).

Your husband may want to look into learning about narcissistic families.

Thank you so much! We couldn't be more excited!
So this reaction is very upsetting.
I think you are right.
I am very confident in that I know I'm a good person and that I'm not the reason for their actions I'm simply the vehicle
My greatest concern is for my husbands mental and emotional wellbeing and that of our child.
We might need to see a therapists

 

[Mudinyeri]

Parents are humans. Humans have flaws. We are called to forgive flawed people seventy times seven. I can't find anything in Bible, however, that says we are called to purposely and repeatedly subject ourselves to abuse.

There have been a couple points in my life where I have had to sit my parents down, as if they were children, and frankly address issues in their lives that were toxic to me or my wife. Your husband should be willing to do the same. If they can't change their ways, you, your husband and your child may have to be separated from them for a while. This needs to be clearly communicated by your husband as his idea or his parents will simply blame you. I've been there, done that and gotten the T-shirt.

 

[mkgal1]

Parents are humans. Humans have flaws. We are called to forgive flawed people seventy times seven

I was kind of concerned about your response up to this point. Then your post took a good turn when you wrote this:

I can't find anything in Bible, however, that says we are called to purposely and repeatedly subject ourselves to abuse.

Exactly. And that's what this is.....and it's mostly directed towards your husband (using you, VRabbit--as you said--as the vehicle). A healthy parent/adult child relationship isn't about ruling or dictating who the adult child chooses (especially when there's no obvious need for concern).

This needs to be clearly communicated by your husband as his idea or his parents will simply blame you.

This is an excellent point. If your husband does choose to speak to them (although....based on what you've written, I don't really have much hope for change...and I honestly doubt a discussion would make any sort of positive impact....but it's your husband's choice) his words need to be carefully formed as to not give the impression that this is any sort of appeasement for your sake.

 

[Mudinyeri]

I was kind of concerned about your response up to this point.

Thank you for your concern. A lot of people are concerned about me.

 

[mkgal1]

Thank you for your concern. A lot of people are concerned about me.

LOL

 

[Velvetyrabbit]

I was kind of concerned about your response up to this point. Then your post took a good turn when you wrote this:


Exactly. And that's what this is.....and it's mostly directed towards your husband (using you, VRabbit--as you said--as the vehicle). A healthy parent/adult child relationship isn't about ruling or dictating who the adult child chooses (especially when there's no obvious need for concern).


This is an excellent point. If your husband does choose to speak to them (although....based on what you've written, I don't really have much hope for change...and I honestly doubt a discussion would make any sort of positive impact....but it's your husband's choice) his words need to be carefully formed as to not give the impression that this is any sort of appeasement for your sake.

Agreed!
He has told them time and time again not to speak to me in this manner but I feel and end pass coming soon and I just wish it could be avoided.
Last month, before the baby and marriage they told him I was cheating on him. And he told them they were clearly mistaken and that they always come up with negative things about me for no reason.
He told his brother that if they keep doing this then he won't continue to talk to them and he told them he won't listen to anymore of there negativity.
I don't think they understand they are risking their relationship with their son over nothing. We have both tried to figure out why they have this hate for me and can't find anything

 

[Velvetyrabbit]

Parents are humans. Humans have flaws. We are called to forgive flawed people seventy times seven. I can't find anything in Bible, however, that says we are called to purposely and repeatedly subject ourselves to abuse.

There have been a couple points in my life where I have had to sit my parents down, as if they were children, and frankly address issues in their lives that were toxic to me or my wife. Your husband should be willing to do the same. If they can't change their ways, you, your husband and your child may have to be separated from them for a while. This needs to be clearly communicated by your husband as his idea or his parents will simply blame you. I've been there, done that and gotten the T-shirt.

Yes, he has tried. I think it is coming to the point that they are forcing him away with their bad attitude. I feel caught in between his love for me and their hatred.
They simply do not listen to him, his opinion, or feelings. In my opinion I do not believe they respect him as a man and are still trying to control his life. It is very very hard for me to watch.

 

[mkgal1]

I don't think they understand they are risking their relationship with their son over nothing. We have both tried to figure out why they have this hate for me and can't find anything.

It all goes back to this....you can't try to reason with YOUR mindset. A person that does these sorts of things doesn't have the same mindset and you and me (or anyone that's not disordered)..instead:

Manipulative people are not solutions oriented, and they don’t seek to have an equal relationship with others.

A manipulative person’s goal is to gain (and keep) power and control over their victim and over the situation. They are not looking to have a fulfilling relationship.

 

[ValleyGal]

You and your husband are addressing this as though his parents have something against you. Turn the tables and get your husband to confront what might be the real message: that he is incapable of choosing an appropriate match for himself and mother to his children. If they realize that they are insulting your husband more than they are insulting you, maybe they will change their tune.

 

[kmrichard7]

And this is why God made sure to mention that the man leaves his home and family and the two become one flesh.
His family is no longer in the picture unless you want them to be. It is you and him now and they are fighting with all their might to get their footing back in your relationship. God does not intend for healthy marriages to live in circumstances like this.
Your husband needs to stop this talk in its tracks and if they refuse to be respectful toward you, you're his wife now, they do not get a place in the life of a son whose wife they hate. Sorry. And they dont get a place ina childs life whose mother they are always critisizing. Stop it now, before it gets worse. It will.

 

[DZoolander]

Do you really think the reason they don't like you is because of his previous bad relationships? That's a weird one.

Is there any other thing you can think of? Any sort of faith biases? Racial stuff? Anything else that could be a weird issue?

 

[Velvetyrabbit]

Do you really think the reason they don't like you is because of his previous bad relationships? That's a weird one.

Is there any other thing you can think of? Any sort of faith biases? Racial stuff? Anything else that could be a weird issue?

When we met he was rebelling in his faith and I was still searching but that has changed. We are right now.
They are Cuban and I am white. But they say "we aren't really Cuban" because they don't fit the mold of the Cubans you see on tv.
I really don't see them a racists.
I really grasping at straws to figure out why they act like this

 

[DZoolander]

Wish I knew more about Cuban culture.

For whatever it's worth - the only time I've ever seen people behave with that kind of irrational dislike is when they have a problem with what the person is - instead of who they are.

My ex-wife was Asian - and her parents were racist as heck. You'd never know it in casual conversation - because why would they want to walk around displaying that? But God forbid that they felt there was a chance that one of their children might be interested in some disapproved of group...the slanderous stuff would start flying.

They didn't like black people, hispanic people and a good percentage of other Asians (Vietnamese, Thai, Cambodians, etc). I remember one time her sister befriended a black guy while she was in college. She invited the guy to come over and study. While he was there - I remember the mom hiding in her room screaming "why is that n***** in my house??? Get him out of here!"

...or when the son was interested in a Vietnamese girl. They had no idea who she was...but she wasn't to be trusted. She was a harlot. She was going to cheat on him. She was after something...etc. I think in the few months that he was kind of seeing her - they had maybe one conversation with her. Yet they were total authorities on her character.

They loved me - for equally vapid reasons. I'm white - and they loved white people. The country they were from used to be a Dutch colony - and they really liked the fact that I'm part Dutch (even if just a tiny percent). I'm mostly German - but they'd tell all their friends about how I was Dutch.

So when you tell your story - about how they have all of these beliefs and perceptions of you that aren't founded in reality - I can't help but think that it's *what* you are that the don't like... Who you are is actually kinda irrelevant. So what I'm left with is either racial stuff, or faith stuff.

...or maybe they had someone else in mind for their son?

Who knows.

But that's what I'd lay my money on.

 

[LinkH]

They are Cuban and I am white. But they say "we aren't really Cuban" because they don't fit the mold of the Cubans you see on tv.
I really don't see them a racists.
I really grasping at straws to figure out why they act like this

Don't act like Ricki Ricardo, Ted Cruz, or Marco rubio. that's about it for Cubans i've seen on TV. But I don't watch Univision.

In my wife's culture, it is very important that both sets of parents agree to the wedding. If you ran away and eloped, then you have to have another ceremony. Could it be something like that?

Also, if you got pregnant before marriage, I'm assuming you had sex before marriage. That's against Christian teaching. Their son was having sex before marriage, but it's a lot easier for parents to see their children as victims of outside influences, sometimes, than as being 'the bad guy' or sharing responsibility. thinking a woman they don't know well who shacked up with their son before marriage might be cheating on him isn't a huge leap, especially if he's had some girlfriends who weren't good people in the past. I'm not saying it's right to assume that and accuse but it's not the same if he'd brought a young virgin around, who'd gotten to know them, and then he proposed with their approval.

Sometimes parents change their tune when the grandchild is born and they have to go through the mother, at least partly, to see the grandchild. You could also have a conversation with them where you can admit that it was wrong to shack up before marriage. the two of you could suggest having a wedding with parents involved to help with familial reconciliation.

 

[LinkH]

EZoolander, interesting information. After the riots in Jakarta where so many Chinese got raped and beheaded, I was up somewhere, Sumatera, I think, talking to a Batak man who didn't like Chinese because they didn't want to intermarry with other races. A friend of mine married to an Indonesian Chinese said that her family didn't like them intermarrying with prebumi, (the local ethnic groups), but they thought intermarrying with whites as as good as marrying a Chinese.

Maybe I'll get to take my wife to see her folks this year or maybe next year. I think I'll mention the fact that I'm part Dutch (Black Dutch, which may really be Portugese or Spanish) to one of Hana's relatives and see how it flies. I might try that on some distant relative, an in-law cousin, maybe. I think I get more social capital with the Batak from telling them I'm Batak and telling them my family name and what generation I am in. They adopt you in when you marry in to their people-group. So they can intermarry with anyone without threatening their 'adat', system of custom, for those who are really into that sort of thing.

 

[Velvetyrabbit]

Wish I knew more about Cuban culture.

For whatever it's worth - the only time I've ever seen people behave with that kind of irrational dislike is when they have a problem with what the person is - instead of who they are.

My ex-wife was Asian - and her parents were racist as heck. You'd never know it in casual conversation - because why would they want to walk around displaying that? But God forbid that they felt there was a chance that one of their children might be interested in some disapproved of group...the slanderous stuff would start flying.

They didn't like black people, hispanic people and a good percentage of other Asians (Vietnamese, Thai, Cambodians, etc). I remember one time her sister befriended a black guy while she was in college. She invited the guy to come over and study. While he was there - I remember the mom hiding in her room screaming "why is that n***** in my house??? Get him out of here!"

...or when the son was interested in a Vietnamese girl. They had no idea who she was...but she wasn't to be trusted. She was a harlot. She was going to cheat on him. She was after something...etc. I think in the few months that he was kind of seeing her - they had maybe one conversation with her. Yet they were total authorities on her character.

They loved me - for equally vapid reasons. I'm white - and they loved white people. The country they were from used to be a Dutch colony - and they really liked the fact that I'm part Dutch (even if just a tiny percent). I'm mostly German - but they'd tell all their friends about how I was Dutch.

So when you tell your story - about how they have all of these beliefs and perceptions of you that aren't founded in reality - I can't help but think that it's *what* you are that the don't like... Who you are is actually kinda irrelevant. So what I'm left with is either racial stuff, or faith stuff.

...or maybe they had someone else in mind for their son?

Who knows.

But that's what I'd lay my money on.

The more I think about it the more I think you might be right.
The woman my husband was with before me was 2 years older than him and Mexican, she was a wild party girl too who lived with other guys before dating him. They hated her. Though they always hated any girl he showed an interest in. Though they said it was because she is older and more experienced than she should be.
Now both of his younger brothers 24,26 are BOTH dating women who are 28, living at home, aren't religious, still in school and both of them are no longer virgins.
They like both of these women more than me, they are both Cuban too.

I've always had parents love me, friend or otherwise. But not them

 

[Velvetyrabbit]

Don't act like Ricki Ricardo, Ted Cruz, or Marco rubio. that's about it for Cubans i've seen on TV. But I don't watch Univision.

In my wife's culture, it is very important that both sets of parents agree to the wedding. If you ran away and eloped, then you have to have another ceremony. Could it be something like that?

Also, if you got pregnant before marriage, I'm assuming you had sex before marriage. That's against Christian teaching. Their son was having sex before marriage, but it's a lot easier for parents to see their children as victims of outside influences, sometimes, than as being 'the bad guy' or sharing responsibility. thinking a woman they don't know well who shacked up with their son before marriage might be cheating on him isn't a huge leap, especially if he's had some girlfriends who weren't good people in the past. I'm not saying it's right to assume that and accuse but it's not the same if he'd brought a young virgin around, who'd gotten to know them, and then he proposed with their approval.

Sometimes parents change their tune when the grandchild is born and they have to go through the mother, at least partly, to see the grandchild. You could also have a conversation with them where you can admit that it was wrong to shack up before marriage. the two of you could suggest having a wedding with parents involved to help with familial reconciliation.

We planned on having another ceremony, my husband is militsry and is only in two for a week then gone for a month... For the next 8 months. So we wanted to get married before he deployed anyway but there just wasn't a real time to be able to plan it the way we want. Then we found out we are expecting and decided to do it now and have a big ceremony after...
So far they have told him, I'm a mistake, the baby is a mistake but marrying me is a bigger mistake and that he can take care of the baby and have nothing to do with me and that there are papers he can get to take the baby and leave me to myself

 

[mkgal1]

the only time I've ever seen people behave with that kind of irrational dislike is when they have a problem with what the person is - instead of who they are.

I think this is it at the core. However.....I think "what the person is" in their eyes (I'm just guessing) is an "outsider"...someone that wasn't born into the family dynamic and they see that as a disruption. Families like what VR has described do.not.accept.change....of any variety.

Though they always hated any girl he showed an interest in. Now both of his younger brothers 24,26 are BOTH dating women who are 28, living at home, aren't religious, still in school and both of them are no longer virgins.
They like both of these women more than me, they are both Cuban too.

....and that just shows it's more of a "them" problem than anything you've done (or anything you *can* do to resolve it).