My husband is boring?

verob · May 21, 2014

I have been with my husband for almost 5 years now. We have never been on any vacations together. The only time we have traveled together is to see relatives and that would only be about 2 hours from where we live. Wait I take that back-once we went to a town about 3 hours away and stayed in a hotel and went to an aquarium and he slept the rest of the time (including the ride there and back). Regardless, I am trying to plan a trip for this weekend and can get no input into what we would enjoy. I suggested a theme park so we can take the kids which he agreed to, but then when we looked up prices he began grumbling about ticket costs. At this rate I feel like we will never take a "real trip" together much less a big vacation. Any advice in this situation?

Shane R · May 21, 2014

Communicate. Tell him that money isn't everything - that the balance in savings can't make up for happiness. Let him know your vision for this outing.

akmom · May 21, 2014

Sometimes you can't wait for a spouse to be onboard. You just have to do what you want to do, and what your kids need you to do so they can have some good childhood memories. Drag him along for the ride - or don't. But if he's resistant to being part of the planning process, then don't stress yourself out trying to make him.

I do think you need to be sensitive to money concerns, but that doesn't mean the vacation needs to be free. Determine a price with him ahead of time, and stick to it. Do you live somewhere within driving distance from a national park? Can you go camping or hiking? Pack a cooler with food items instead of eating out?

pfcreed · May 21, 2014

If you have friends maybe get another couple involved. considering you guys have kids you might say vacation and he might hear and expect it to be work. with another couple the kids stay busy with each other and the adults get to relax a bit more.

Autumnleaf · May 22, 2014

Tell him you want do go somewhere new and exciting with him before you become dissatisfied in the marriage and feel compelled to look elsewhere for fulfillment.

andy b · May 22, 2014

Ever considered he just doesn't like travel or may be depressed

RobertMerton · May 22, 2014

how about looking locally.
see what's on in town in your area, then maybe next weekend go to the next town away, then the next one maybe a larger city, etc.

Inkachu · May 22, 2014

verob said:
I have been with my husband for almost 5 years now. We have never been on any vacations together. The only time we have traveled together is to see relatives and that would only be about 2 hours from where we live. Wait I take that back-once we went to a town about 3 hours away and stayed in a hotel and went to an aquarium and he slept the rest of the time (including the ride there and back). Regardless, I am trying to plan a trip for this weekend and can get no input into what we would enjoy. I suggested a theme park so we can take the kids which he agreed to, but then when we looked up prices he began grumbling about ticket costs. At this rate I feel like we will never take a "real trip" together much less a big vacation. Any advice in this situation?

How does this equate to him being boring? Maybe he just doesn't have the travel bug like you do. So far the only complaints you've made are that he slept a lot during one trip and he didn't like the theme park ticket prices you were looking at recently. Am I missing some horrible thing about him here?

akmom · May 22, 2014

Tell him you want do go somewhere new and exciting with him before you become dissatisfied in the marriage and feel compelled to look elsewhere for fulfillment.

Only AutumnLeaf would suggest threatening infidelity to improve a family vacation...

Am I missing some horrible thing about him here?

It sounds like a pretty big deal to me. It's not like she's volunteering at a nursing home to take seniors out for a day trip. I'd expect my husband to be awake and engaged in the event too!

Inkachu · May 22, 2014

akmom said:
It sounds like a pretty big deal to me. It's not like she's volunteering at a nursing home to take seniors out for a day trip. I'd expect my husband to be awake and engaged in the event too!

Maybe he was tired on that particular trip? Maybe he didn't feel well? I find it pretty poor reasoning to slap the "boring" label on someone based on ONE trip during which he slept a lot I mean, my husband has health issues that leave him tired and sleepy a lot; is he a boring person? Hardly!

If the OP would care to return and respond with more details, I'd be interested to hear them. Again, maybe he just isn't the "get up and go" type that his wife is. That doesn't make him boring. It makes him different.

andy b · May 22, 2014

Ever thought you may be boring ...ill be honest it grates me when someone gets called boring is that his purpose to entertain you like a performing monkey...if my wife wanted to travel and i didn't id say send us a card when you get there and dont slam the door

verob · May 22, 2014

Well I guess it's more the fact that he is not engaged and he offers no input into the planning that is so frustrating-as akmom said. In the original post I was just giving the only examples of trips that we have attempted together. When we have time off together, which is rare, he usually opts for watching tv. This weekend we both have four days off together. This will be the last time we have this much time off together for a while. Therefore, I suggested maybe we could go on a short weekend trip to a neighboring city and just stay in a hotel and pick one activity to do together as a family. He said "sure". I asked what he thought would be fun. He responded, "I don't know. Whatever you want to do". I gave some suggestions of things I thought would be fun- swimming, going to some type of kid friendly spot (aquarium, zoo, etc) since we will have our children with us. He again said something to the effect of, "whatever you want to do is fine". Which equates to- I plan everything and then he comes along and complains about the price and/or nature of the activity chosen, or as often is the case I just give up and don't plan anything and I spend the weekend cleaning and watching kids while he watches tv. I wasn't saying that he is horrible-I just don't know how else to approach this besides just planning my own trips without him.

verob · May 22, 2014

No. It's not his job to entertain me, but I thought when you were married to someone you should spend time with them occassionally. Especially if they are constantly involved in activities that you want to do-Then at some point it's your turn-maybe boring isn't the correct term

andy b · May 22, 2014

verob said:
No. It's not his job to entertain me, but I thought when you were married to someone you should spend time with them occassionally. Especially if they are constantly involved in activities that you want to do-Then at some point it's your turn-maybe boring isn't the correct term

Its good to keep some things apart...honestly i have sympathy for your husband there is only so much i can talk to a women about and after 30 seconds im bored silly

Inkachu · May 22, 2014

verob said:
Well I guess it's more the fact that he is not engaged and he offers no input into the planning that is so frustrating-as akmom said.

Why is it frustrating? Do you not enjoy planning trips? I love doing that. If my hubby said "Here's the budget, go plan, have fun!" I'd be fine with that! So what exactly is bothering you about him not joining in? Do you feel like your plans wouldn't be good enough? Do you dislike planning things yourself? Do you feel like he's somehow neglecting you because he isn't responding the way you want?

In the original post I was just giving the only examples of trips that we have attempted together. When we have time off together, which is rare, he usually opts for watching tv. This weekend we both have four days off together. This will be the last time we have this much time off together for a while. Therefore, I suggested maybe we could go on a short weekend trip to a neighboring city and just stay in a hotel and pick one activity to do together as a family. He said "sure". I asked what he thought would be fun. He responded, "I don't know. Whatever you want to do". I gave some suggestions of things I thought would be fun- swimming, going to some type of kid friendly spot (aquarium, zoo, etc) since we will have our children with us. He again said something to the effect of, "whatever you want to do is fine". Which equates to- I plan everything and then he comes along and complains about the price and/or nature of the activity chosen, or as often is the case I just give up and don't plan anything and I spend the weekend cleaning and watching kids while he watches tv. I wasn't saying that he is horrible-I just don't know how else to approach this besides just planning my own trips without him.

If he's REALLY doing this - saying "whatever you wanna do" and then complaining when you actually pick something - then you need to call him on it. Ask him why he says he's fine with your choices and then later complains about them.

Some people really ARE homebodies. They'd just rather sit at home, sleep in, watch TV. Yes, that can be frustrating to people like you and me, who love to get out and travel and site-see. It may be that you just need to plan trips for yourself, and let him stay at home sometimes.

Ask him what sort of things HE would enjoy doing together as a couple and as a family. It doesn't even have to be outside the house. Would he enjoy board games one night a week? Movie night with some popcorn and everyone snuggled up on the bed? A round of baseball in the backyard? A marathon evening of World of Warcraft?

It's OK for couples to have different interests and personalities. It's even OK to do things separately now and then, that you just enjoy for yourself. But you need to communicate and come together to discover what you can do together, that you'll both enjoy. Maybe find something completely new for both of you to try together.

americanvet · May 22, 2014

An example I can give: my wife love concerts. I hate them. So she knows if she wants to go it will not be with me. It works for us.

Inkachu · May 23, 2014

americanvet said:
An example I can give: my wife love concerts. I hate them. So she knows if she wants to go it will not be with me. It works for us.

Same here. My husband is into certain things that I'm not, and vice versa. I can sit and watch "Downton Abbey" for hours, and he can spend all day tinkering on computer parts. I don't expect him to sit with me and he doesn't expect me to tinker along with him. We find other things that we both enjoy and do THOSE together.

The OP's situation is a bit more extreme (planning an entire vacation with your spouse not really being on board). I would either just go on vacation by myself, or find something maybe closer to home and less expensive that the hubby would enjoy, maybe an overnight trip somewhere. Sometimes you have to get creative and get in there and brainstorm together to come up with a good solution for everyone.

ValleyGal · May 23, 2014

It sounds like he wants to go, or if he doesn't, he's willing to. He is just disengaged from the planning. Does he engage with you in other things? Does he ever offer his opinion or is he typically uninvolved/disengaged from most things? If he's like that with everything, I can certainly understand being frustrated over it. Sometimes if a partner is disengaged, it feels like they would rather be somewhere else, or like you are not worth being engaged with. It's hard to deal with it when it is a chronic issue in the marriage.

How you interpret it might help, though. Instead of telling yourself he's just boring and disengaged, you could make it come from a place of love: he is giving you the freedom to do whatever makes you and the kids happy because seeing you happy makes him happy.

But if you don't want to do that, plan something totally outrageous that you know he will absolutely hate doing. Then maybe next time he will participate in making plans.

Inkachu · May 23, 2014

akmom · May 24, 2014

Yeah, I would say that someone who can't come up with ANY activities for the family, can't help plan the event, can't stay awake during it, and has a bunch of criticisms afterward is BORING. I'd be ticked if I married someone and had kids, and they just wanted to stay home every day watching TV. That's not good enough for kids! They deserve a little more experience in their childhood than what a living room has to offer.

I wouldn't be satisfied going on a vacation all by myself either. I married someone so they could be my companion, not my roommate. It's also pretty lame to expect Mom to shuffle the kids around for all these family activities while Dad stays home and sleeps in. Even if it's fun, it involves a lot of work, and it's much easier with two parents present. That means actually helping out, not just tagging along for a nap. That's not being a dad, that's being BORING (if not lazy). Why do so many of you not understand her frustration?

My husband is boring?

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