my husband committed adultery

[tizherself]

I just found out a couple of weeks ago that my husband has been using crystal meth and had an affair. I found out about the drug use when the police found it on him after he assaulted me in our home. I had suspected the affair, but found out for sure after his arrest. He now says that he took the drugs to counteract the fatigue he was feeling from the rigors of providing for our large family. He blames the infidelity on the drugs also. He says he will stop the drugs and that he repents of his adultery and wants to save our marriage. My family is worried for my safety and I worry that I'll never trust him again (one of the girls he was seeing goes to our church! He went to Mexico with her on a "work trip" but didn't tell me she was going and I found a camera with pictures full of he and she together, arms around each other - he says that they are just "good friends" and he didn't cheat with her!) I know the Lord despises divorce and I'd like to think that with help, the man I love could come back. But I am so broken and I don't know if the Lord is telling me to separate my self from this man, or if I should stay and work it out. I don't want to go through this again, and if he is unfaithful he may pass along something dangerous to me. I have 3 children from a previous marriage and don't want to get HIV or anything that would take me from them. I really need discernment! How do I know to trust him to stay off the drugs or be faithful when he has completely shattered my faith in him?

 

[bliz]

1. Go to your doctor and get checked out for any STDs.

2. Get your and your children to a safe place, away from him. That may mean that he lives elsewhere, or you do, but do not live with him at this time.

3. From that safe distance, and with the help of professionals, work on the marriage.

 

[E-beth]

Ugh...they almost always say they are sorry when they get caught. Up until then, not so much.

First of all, the STD thing is a real threat. And when he knowingly put you at risk, it speaks volumes to where his heart is.

Secondly, get yourself and your children out of there. Your children look to you as an example for their future relationships. Do you want your daughters to be with a man who uses dangerous drugs and treats them like dirt? Do you want your sons to treat marriage vows as a way to have someone to keep their house clean while they vacation with other women?

Yeah, God hates divorce. He also hates a husband who clothes his family with violence. Not to mention the infidelity. When I went through a similar situation with my ex-husband, I learned that one of the biggest reasons that God acknowledges infidelity as a ender of marriage is because it just kills the core of the bond in such a way that it is almost impossible to restore. Nothing is impossible with God, but both partners have to be full of forgiveness, trust, and desire to work.

I am praying for you. I know how the fear of making it on your own and supporting kids is terrifying. I know the way your marriage feels right now is brutal and hurts. I know the 'what should I dos' are probably keeping you up at night. Trust God. He will tell you what to do and He will help you do it. God will not desert you. He rewards those who seek Him.

PM me if you need to talk. I know how ya feel. You WILL be OK. I promise.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Is this behavior typical of your husband in your marriage or is this a one time incident of things getting out of hand?

How bad did it get? Did he 'try to kill you' versus 'push you out of the way' when he was leaving.

How do you feel God would want you to handle this versus how do you want to handle it?

You have to weight everything out in your mind and pray for God to show you the way. If your husband has a habit of abusing you leaving might be the way to go, if this was a one time thing out of character for your husband staying might be the answer. God and time can heal all wounds if we are willing to put the effort into forgiveness.

 

[Svt4Him]

God is more concerned with you as a person than He is with your marriage, so get the "God hates divorce" idea out of your head.

Drugs don't make people go on vacation with others, and honestly if the lies don't stop, why think he's repented. A person with nothing to hide hides nothing.

 

[heartnsoul]

With everything that you have been through, I don't think you're in the "objective" frame of mind to make a good decision for yourself. I think it would be in your best interest to get counseling for yourself and focus on healing first. You've been in such a destructive, dysfunctional relationship for so long that it will take time for you to heal and learn what is a healthy, godly relationship. Most importantly, you will need to learn to love yourself and strengthen your walk with God.

There is a great book out there called Healing Is A Choice by Steve Auterburne. You can buy it online at: www.newlife.com

Once you begin healing and strengthening your relationship with God, you will have the discernment and love for yourself to do the right thing and make better decisions for yourself.

I will keep you in my prayers. May God give you peace and comfort while you're going through these painful times. God bless you and your children.

 

[nowhereville]

You know I've met some very incredible women in my lifetime - women in marriages I could never withstand. One in particular after flat out asking her how she could do what she is doing told me - it's like this God's grace is sufficient for me - if he's going to put me on a bus he'll give me a bus ticket, if he's going to put me on a plane he'll give me a plane ticket. He's not going to give me a bus ticket and then make me try to ride on a plane with it.

Meth is bad news. You need to put the safety of yourself and your children first period. That doesn't mean you have to make a decision right now about what you are going to do about your marriage. There's no "divorce deadline" for making a decision.

Safety first - then seek God and see what he would have you do.

Get and read James Dobson's book, Love must be Tough. If you are on limited funds you can get most books on half.com for much less then full price.

You should also get tested for STD's as well - better to be safe then sorry.

I will be praying for you.

 

[Serenity Now!]

I just wanted to drop you a note to let you know we are in the same boat, and I'm here for you too.

I found out in January my husband's been having an affair since 2004 (I don't want to thread-jack here so that's enough about me!)

Anyway, our worlds have been shaken like a snow globe, and with God's grace we are going to get through this. No matter what you decide to do, God will be there with you. And your friends here will be too.

 

[NicelyAged]

Wow, Tiz, what an aweful situation. Some mayl agree and some may disagree with this, but I think the best platform for working through marriage problems as severe as your situation is by separating (even if temproary. This provides safety for yourself and your kids and keeps you apart while you work on the marriage. A lot of things need to happen before it makes for you two to be sharing the same house together.

I wish you the best.

 

[tizherself]

I am so grateful to have found this site and all of the encouragement I have recieved from you all. I have separated from my husband and my children and I have moved out. I did get STD testing from my doctors, who I am blessed to work for. Fortunately everything has come back okay so far. I just dropped my restraining order against my husband this morning so he and I can started counseling together with a wonderful Christian counselor. (We've seen him separately until now) I still feel very confused that either
a) I am right not to abandon my marriage, versus -
b) God has given me clue after clue that I am supposed to get out of being unequally yoked and I am just not getting it.
I am trying to forgive but I still get slapped with such feelings of pain and loathing out of the blue. It makes it hard to be around him at all, and I constantly feel like I need to sneak around and check up on him. I want to give these feelings over to God and trust him to carry me through it, but I can't seem to make the leap. I would like send messages back to you, unfortunately until I have my internet at my new place set up, I am limited to lunch time at work. But I do visit this site everyday and am humbled and thankful for your prayers and insights.

 

[Serenity Now!]

a) I am right not to abandon my marriage, versus -
b) God has given me clue after clue that I am supposed to get out of being unequally yoked and I am just not getting it..........................
I am trying to forgive but I still get slapped with such feelings of pain and loathing out of the blue. It makes it hard to be around him at all, and I constantly feel like I need to sneak around and check up on him.

I still feel like that sometimes. I will look at his phone and e-mail at times, but it really does me no good. I know he cleans his phone records off. I was a real pain in the butt when I first found out about the affair. I called him constantly at work (he works with her.) I'd ask questions, what was he doing? What was she doing? What had they done in the past?

I wish I had the best answer for you to get over that part. It's so difficult because the questions and "sneaking around" and checking on him only hurt me. It didn't hurt him any. It really devestated me. It was hard to let go and give it to God, but somehow I did. I just realized in my situation that they were both people who had hurt me and my family and I didn't want any part of it any more....

But, that's just me and my decision. Someone has told me that if you decide to stay with him it's difficult. If you decide to leave it's difficult. There is no easy way.

I wish I could make things easier for you. Remember, The Lord keeps a record of our tears. He hears our cries. He is there for us when others fail us.

 

[tizherself]

I still feel like that sometimes. I will look at his phone and e-mail at times, but it really does me no good. I know he cleans his phone records off. I was a real pain in the butt when I first found out about the affair. I called him constantly at work (he works with her.) I'd ask questions, what was he doing? What was she doing? What had they done in the past?

I wish I had the best answer for you to get over that part. It's so difficult because the questions and "sneaking around" and checking on him only hurt me. It didn't hurt him any. It really devestated me. It was hard to let go and give it to God, but somehow I did. I just realized in my situation that they were both people who had hurt me and my family and I didn't want any part of it any more....

But, that's just me and my decision. Someone has told me that if you decide to stay with him it's difficult. If you decide to leave it's difficult. There is no easy way.

I wish I could make things easier for you. Remember, The Lord keeps a record of our tears. He hears our cries. He is there for us when others fail us.

thank you for your thoughts of me while I know you are going thru so much also. I was with my husband alone last night. He kept reassuring me that I was the only one now, that he loved me and needed to know that I accepted that - what could he do to prove it? He offered to let me look thru his phone records. And though I felt like a bit of a heel , I took him up on it. About half way thru he got aggitated and stopped me. I left. He followed me and relented. He didn't know that I had stored this girls #, I found it under a false name. He lied about it until I busted him. Now he says that they are just friends and he's just turning to her for advice about me! He SWORE he would erase her # and never talk to her again and now he's saying he lied for MY benefit??? Worse still, she goes to our church! She was baptized just a few weeks ago! How can she stand in front of God and the congregation and pledge her life to Christ in front of the man she's commiting adultery with and his family sitting right there? Should I leave my church? I have been involved in choir and women's ministries and find great comfort there - but I don't want to sit across from this woman with bitterness and hatred in my heart before the Lord. Do I change my church -do I bring her before our pastor? It doesn't seem fair!

 

[Serenity Now!]

thank you for your thoughts of me while I know you are going thru so much also. I was with my husband alone last night. He kept reassuring me that I was the only one now, that he loved me and needed to know that I accepted that - what could he do to prove it? He offered to let me look thru his phone records. And though I felt like a bit of a heel , I took him up on it. About half way thru he got aggitated and stopped me. I left. He followed me and relented. He didn't know that I had stored this girls #, I found it under a false name. He lied about it until I busted him. Now he says that they are just friends and he's just turning to her for advice about me! He SWORE he would erase her # and never talk to her again and now he's saying he lied for MY benefit??? Worse still, she goes to our church! She was baptized just a few weeks ago! How can she stand in front of God and the congregation and pledge her life to Christ in front of the man she's commiting adultery with and his family sitting right there? Should I leave my church? I have been involved in choir and women's ministries and find great comfort there - but I don't want to sit across from this woman with bitterness and hatred in my heart before the Lord. Do I change my church -do I bring her before our pastor? It doesn't seem fair!

Oh Tiz. This is heartbreaking. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Personally, I would go to the pastor about this. I don't think you should leave the church because of her unless you absolutely want a new start somewhere else. However, if that's your church family stick with it and speak with the pastor.

I think it's unacceptable that he is still speaking with her. Even if he says it's as friends. The first thing I've learned from counseling is that he has to break off ALL contact with her.

Remember Tiz, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." You gave me that verse to look up, and I will be carrying it with me to get through this tough times.

I'm praying hard for you.

 

[tizherself]

Oh Tiz. This is heartbreaking. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Personally, I would go to the pastor about this. I don't think you should leave the church because of her unless you absolutely want a new start somewhere else. However, if that's your church family stick with it and speak with the pastor.

I think it's unacceptable that he is still speaking with her. Even if he says it's as friends. The first thing I've learned from counseling is that he has to break off ALL contact with her.

Remember Tiz, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." You gave me that verse to look up, and I will be carrying it with me to get through this tough times.

I'm praying hard for you.

Even after all of this he says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me and that even the long "friendship" that he has with her is not worth that. I made it clear that given the fact that he has hidden and lied about this woman, I am not willing to take his word for it. He needs to cut off all contact now. If his "friendship" with her is too important to him, fair enough, he can continue with her, but I will remove myself from the picture. Take it or leave it. He agreed. Now, this may not have been the kindest thing to do, however - I called her, I left a message saying that Jay and I are trying to salvage our marriage, that I made it clear to him that ANY contact with her would end it. I said whatever his relationship with her, there was no room in our marriage for him, myself and her. And at the very least, as a Christian, she needed to respect that, respect that he is a married man, respect that their hidden relationship is making his wife uncomfortable and to understand the fact that she was putting herself in a position of coming between man and wife. Period. Well, sure enough, this morning she called him, WHILE I WAS THERE. And with me sitting right there, he told her that he could no longer communicate with her, that he was trying to save his marriage and that he would no longer call her or accept her calls. Later I recieved any indignant voice mail from her saying that my husband was her friend, that I didn't know her well enough to make such assumptions, that she used to date my husband and already knew what it was like to be with him and that it was a sign that I needed to pay better attention in church to behave the way I've done. Believe me, I don't want anything more to do with this woman, want no further communication with her, and won't have anything more to do with her, given that she stays out of our lives. But I need to know, am I really wrong to put my foot down and insist that she stay away? This is my marriage too and I think, given that I state myself clearly and calmy, that I have a place to expect ex-girlfriends sneaking around with my husband to knock it off! I haven't cursed, yelled or called her names, I was just very clear. Is this unChristian of me?

 

[TheReasoner]

Did you behave in an unChristian manner?
No. No way at all
She did. Your husband did.

Many people act the way it seems she has done because they cannot face up to what they have done. My ex did. That's ex girlfriend, not wife. Sick people ofthen act that way. Many sick people will do whatever they can to get who they want. Which I also got to experience with my ex girlfriend...

My two pennies;
DO be strict about this. DO put down your foot. You have done the right thing in doing so as it is. And I admire your resolution to keep your marriage afloat. I am not sure I would have done the same as I have already been through some turmoil not entirely alien to what you describe. I admire that.

 

[ascribe2thelord]

I am so grateful to have found this site and all of the encouragement I have recieved from you all. I have separated from my husband and my children and I have moved out. I did get STD testing from my doctors, who I am blessed to work for. Fortunately everything has come back okay so far. I just dropped my restraining order against my husband this morning so he and I can started counseling together with a wonderful Christian counselor. (We've seen him separately until now) I still feel very confused that either
a) I am right not to abandon my marriage, versus -
b) God has given me clue after clue that I am supposed to get out of being unequally yoked and I am just not getting it.
I am trying to forgive but I still get slapped with such feelings of pain and loathing out of the blue. It makes it hard to be around him at all, and I constantly feel like I need to sneak around and check up on him. I want to give these feelings over to God and trust him to carry me through it, but I can't seem to make the leap. I would like send messages back to you, unfortunately until I have my internet at my new place set up, I am limited to lunch time at work. But I do visit this site everyday and am humbled and thankful for your prayers and insights.

He's given you an acceptable excuse to get out of the marriage - adultery. It's biblical, righteous, and emotionally healthy for you to divorce him on those grounds.

 

[free4all]

Hi Tiz,

I'm sorry you are going through this. You behaved as someone who cares enough about your marriage to take action.

Were you wrong to put your foot down and insist that she stay away? No way.

Was it unChristian of you? No way.

Would you be right to enforce the demands you have made? Absolutely.

 

[John 15:13]

I'm just going to pray for you. Kudos to you for being at least willing to let God move. I had a real battle with unforgiveness. So I'll pray for you to heal and surrender to Jesus.

All will be well because He promised it would be,
Rgr

 

[tizherself]

Well, it's over. I can't do it anymore. I can't afford to lose it completely, I have to work and take care of things at home and I can't do it with my blood pressure through the roof and crying all the time. I just want peace. Things seemed to be going so well - then my car broke down on the freeway an hour away from home. My husband came to pick me up while Triple A towed my car home. He had been at the County Fair with his son and had to leave to help me out. He lent me his car to get to work the next day (remember, we are in separate homes now) and sure enough, in the glove box was a picture of his young little "fling" in the shower, in her cute little black bra and panties. When I called him he flew off the handle and basically told me he had enough of my snooping, I just need to "get over it". Only as a hindsight did he apologize that I "had to see it", claimed he never knew it was there and "she must have planted it." The next day he told me to return his car and I was on my own. I called my pastor as I was on my way to pick him up, I had a feeling I was going to need prayer - he told me maybe this was finally God's answer - not to return to the abuse. Sure enough, the whole way back after I picked him up, he ran me to the ground. He hurled every obsenity, perverse and cruel remark and accusation he could at me. I just prayed the whole trip, "Jesus, sit beside me, guard me, protect me, don't leave me" I remembered Isaiah writing about Him - how he was persecuted, falsely accused and attacked and He opened not His mouth. I just sat there and took it, and it seemed to anger him all the more. He called me every name he could, accused me of perverse, twisted things, said I was worthless, stupid, a maggot, how he was going to find someone who could give him lots of babies and not be a "diseased" mother who would infect his children like I did mine. I still sat and took it. When I finally got out of the car (he drove around and around so he could keep at me and then pulled up at my work leaning on the horn) my head was spinning, my heart was pounding and I thought I was going to pass out. My blood pressure was sky high (I work at a doctors office). Finally last night, he called reasoning I deserved it because of all I had put him through (about his adultery), why couldn't I see that - that he loved me and wanted to work things out if I could just be gracious and grateful. Now, finally this morning, it's I deserved what he said, he meant it at the time, but he was sorry. And hey, even though the girlfriend was so attractive (admittedly she is beautiful) that I should focus on the fact that he chose to stay with me, and hey, at least she had a her panties on, the picture could've be alot worse.... I just can't do it anymore. I truly think that I am dealing with a perverse, cruel, manipulative man. I can't imagine being able to look him in the eye again, never mind having him ever touch me. If it is God's will, I am perfectly happy to live the rest of my life single and in service. I want to protect myself and my kids from this kind of vicious and demonic attack in the future. I thank all of you who have prayed for me and been so supportive, but I think I have been given my answer.

 

[TheReasoner]

Please read this as a human response from a human being.
But, given that this is pretty close to how my ex girlfriend used to behave, what with other men, manipulation, threats, obscenities, and guilt trips - my one advice to you is "get out now". Do not lose yourself completely in this. You are valuable and not a mere thing to be abused like this. Just prayed for you, and will do so whenever I remember to.

Thanks for keeping us posted!