My GF struggles a lot with sexual desire - An unusual problem... My girlfriend and I are both Christians and we've been dating for over a year now. We've NOT had pre-marital sex, but there have been many "moments of passion" which are 99.9% of the time initiated by her - I have always made a conscious effort to not tempt her. The problem is that my lack of significant struggle with sexual temptation makes her feel like she's unattractive or undesirable or unloved and I do not want her to feel that way. I've explained to her that God wants us to "flee from all sexual immorality" and she agrees that is true and best, but she simply cannot stop herself from wanting to get physical. Touch is her strongest "love language"...quality time is mine. No matter how strongly I resist, she cannot disconnect her sexual desires from her spiritual beliefs. If it weren't for my strength in this area, she admits that she would have had sex with me on several occasions in which we were overly-physical...but I didn't allow it to go any further, so we didn't. She's genuine in wanting to obey the Lord, but she struggles SO much with her need to feel loved through touch. Holding hands, a hug, a short kiss are all enough for me to feel loved, but not for her. It's to the point now that I really am starting to not be interested in dating at all, because I can't meet a christian girl who doesn't have problems in this area. She wants to get married, but i'm afraid that's just so she won't have to struggle anymore. This is really the only "problem-area" I see with her and her walk with God, so I'm not looking to hear any kind of "she isn't a real christian, dump her." kind of replies. We're all sinners, so please spare the condemning her for pre-marital sexual struggles. Perhaps there are some other females here that have had similar feelings as my GF who could share with me how they approach those feelings...?
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My GF struggles a lot with sexual desire - An unusual problem...
- Thread starter cvaster
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Draw strict boundaries in how far you will go. Exactly what are those boundaries are for every couple to decide on their own. For example, with my boyfriend, we've decided that clothes stay on and hands stay above the belt and away from intimate areas (eg, breasts).
Maybe you should also take a few days break from each other to pray and decide what you really want out of the relationship - and then talk about it.
Maybe you should also take a few days break from each other to pray and decide what you really want out of the relationship - and then talk about it.
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If you've been dating for over a year, have done more than "short kisses", and aren't tempted, I seriously question your attraction to her, and at the very least your compatibility as far as sex drive.
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NiobiumTragedy
Glorious Tragedy
I agree with both. This can end up being a major issue for you not far down the road. You two need to really talk about it and find an answer before the answer finds you.
This is a natural process the body goes through. It's called hormones. Sometimes the urges and desires of some people are stronger than others. It becomes even more of an issue if the person has already been sexually active because most of the time, these urges become more forceful and harder to not give in to. However, if it's becoming an issue for you to not even want to be in a relationship, then you need to discuss the matter and find a resolve.
This is a natural process the body goes through. It's called hormones. Sometimes the urges and desires of some people are stronger than others. It becomes even more of an issue if the person has already been sexually active because most of the time, these urges become more forceful and harder to not give in to. However, if it's becoming an issue for you to not even want to be in a relationship, then you need to discuss the matter and find a resolve.
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I'm extremely attracted to her, it's just that i'm very firm in my strength to flee from sexual immorality, though I admittedly stumble on that occasionally - though far less often than the typical male. It has nothing to do with my sex drive or compatibility with that, it has everything to do with right and wrong.
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Teufelhund
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The issue is not so much that you have not succumbed to temptation as that initially you claim to be above temptation, as in not afflicted by it. If it is something you desire, something that is good then the devil will try to take advantage of it, ergo temptation. All temptations are in essence the perversion of a good want. So if you are not feeling the temptation it is likely that you are not feeling the want. Period. Secondly, how does one flee from a desire that does not exist. It seems to me, and this is my opinion, but I suspect that you have simply chosen this girl because she in essence presents an easy way out, no temptation is equal to no possibility of slipping up. Which in turn is not fair to her as you lack the desire or at least appear to. Thirdly, what is preventing you from getting married? If this is "the only area where there could be problems", then why wait? I mean there is no reason to rush into a marriage but if everything else is ready and the only thing that is still an issue is the fact that she desires you...
Although I suspect given your probable lack of desire for her that it will not make her happy. If you cannot show her that you are attracted to her, or are not attracted to her than you have no business in forcing her to cater to your desire for the perfect Christian mate. The only things worthwhile usually come with some temptation, the subjugation of good desires being the cause of temptation, it is how we act when we are faced with the temptation that determines whether the end is good or evil. If we act in such a manner as to completely avoid temptation then yes we will avoid it, but we will also lose our chance to master our nature, to turn our nature to a state of true Godliness.
Although I suspect given your probable lack of desire for her that it will not make her happy. If you cannot show her that you are attracted to her, or are not attracted to her than you have no business in forcing her to cater to your desire for the perfect Christian mate. The only things worthwhile usually come with some temptation, the subjugation of good desires being the cause of temptation, it is how we act when we are faced with the temptation that determines whether the end is good or evil. If we act in such a manner as to completely avoid temptation then yes we will avoid it, but we will also lose our chance to master our nature, to turn our nature to a state of true Godliness.
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I want to COMMEND you on your strength and DEDICATION to God. It takes a true man to practice "yield not to temptation". Just pray for her because you don't want her to feel she has to have "physical contact" to feel wanted. I don't know your girlfriend and i don't want to make you mad, but if she feels she has to get physical affection to feel "attractive" she may have some self esteem issues. Even if things don't work between the two of you, she still needs to work on on seperating physical affection from physical attraction..Just because you're not being affectionate doesn't mean you are unattractive. Explain that to her and help her seperate the two. I too, use to be "emotionally dependant". I felt if a guy didn't hold my hand..he wasn't interested...That may be true, however, when guys didn't hold my hand or be affectionate (rub my back randomly in public) it helped me grow STRONGER!!!! I am so emotionally INDEPENDANT NOW. I am 29 years old, single and beautiful. I just don't feel I need to be in a relationship to validate my self worth.
My advice to you would be keep praying for her and limit the amount of activities you do sitting down or that invilve sitting...(movies, going out to eat) Try going for a hike or to an indoor rock climbing.) Afterwards, if you want to dine out, sit at a different table or feed her with a 10 foot spoon...I am only kidding. Seriously, do LIMIT the amount of time you spend together that involve CLOSE contact. i wish you all the best and stay strong..If she is the right one, God will reveal that to you. He will also (as you already know) reward you for being obidient.
Take Care, best luck to you both!
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I want to COMMEND you on your strength and DEDICATION to God. It takes a true man to practice "yield not to temptation". Just pray for her because you don't want her to feel she has to have "physical contact" to feel wanted. I don't know your girlfriend and i don't want to make you mad, but if she feels she has to get physical affection to feel "attractive" she may have some self esteem issues. Even if things don't work between the two of you, she still needs to work on on seperating physical affection from physical attraction..Just because you're not being affectionate doesn't mean you are unattractive. Explain that to her and help her seperate the two. I too, use to be "emotionally dependant". I felt if a guy didn't hold my hand..he wasn't interested...That may be true, however, when guys didn't hold my hand or be affectionate (rub my back randomly in public) it helped me grow STRONGER!!!! I am so emotionally INDEPENDANT NOW. I am 29 years old, single and beautiful. I just don't feel I need to be in a relationship to validate my self worth.
My advice to you would be keep praying for her and limit the amount of activities you do sitting down or that invilve sitting...(movies, going out to eat) Try going for a hike or to an indoor rock climbing.) Afterwards, if you want to dine out, sit at a different table or feed her with a 10 foot spoon...I am only kidding. Seriously, do LIMIT the amount of time you spend together that involve CLOSE contact. i wish you all the best and stay strong..If she is the right one, God will reveal that to you. He will also (as you already know) reward you for being obidient.
Take Care, best luck to you both!
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Why is this an "unusual" problem?
Stay away from places where you could go too far or have sex, and it will not happen. It's much easier to go to Starbucks and behave than it is to sit at home and behave. Make this easier on yourselves.
Stay away from places where you could go too far or have sex, and it will not happen. It's much easier to go to Starbucks and behave than it is to sit at home and behave. Make this easier on yourselves.
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Miss Elly
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In my opinion if she is the one for you, you should get married. The girl is completely normal in her feelings. Either break up or get married. If you've been dating a year, you should know something by now if she is the one. It is better to marry than to burn. I feel sorry for the girl, I really do, and I don't think YOU should keep her dangling like this with the feelings she has. Of course I don't know your background, but why keep putting her in the position to where she feels this passion and can do nothing about it. I'm female by the way. If you love this girl,who I believe is a real christian, then quit trying to act like you're made of wood and tie the knot. Ask God what to do, and quit putting it off.
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B
bluelime2
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Agree. And if you don't believe in sex before marriage and have a strong stance on it then stop tempting her in it. You're just as guilty.
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SmileAndAHandshake
Senior Veteran
ccvaster said:
... so? Marry her, and have sex with her. Problem solved.
Seriously, if this is the only problem, why are you waiting around?
And if it's not the only problem, I guess there's your answer. There's something else going on here.
I mean, have you ever even said to here "Wow you are amazing, I wish I could have sex with you... but I know that we can't. But wow I so want to." ? Have you ever made it vocal to her that you do feel that attracted to her? If not, I can see what her concern is... And if not, is it because you really haven't felt that way? If that's true, I'd say you aren't attracted to her. If my husband had have been physically lustless during our dating period, I think I would have thought he was gay and it would have freaked me out.
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Beautiful Fireball
Tomorrow is another day
I don't see why you need to put yourself above your GF. God created us with sexual desires, that's not bad. In fact it's quite normal and amazingly, even women want sex from time to time. Shocking I know.
I think that not putting yourselves in the position in the first place is a good idea. If you both want to stay firm you desire not to have sex now then you need boundaries. Sit down and talk with her about where it starts getting difficult for her to resist temptation and draw the line waaaay before that.
I think that not putting yourselves in the position in the first place is a good idea. If you both want to stay firm you desire not to have sex now then you need boundaries. Sit down and talk with her about where it starts getting difficult for her to resist temptation and draw the line waaaay before that.
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somethingBEAUTIFUL
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BeyondAshes, I wanted to quote you because, well, I loved what you said. My boyfriend and I are honest with one another like that, and it really does help. I tell him how special it makes me feel that he feels THAT particular way about me. It makes me feel good and beautiful, not cheap or disgusted, to know he desires me like that.
OP, do YOU feel that way about your GF?
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Clearly you two should not marry.
If this is enough to make you not want to date her, golly.. I'm not criticising you in saying this, but I have to shed light here on the reality of your situation.
Marriage is for life. If this is enough to turn you off of a person to the point you question if you want to date them, don't marry her. Instead, marry the person who is actually the love of your life. The person who you can't imagine being without, struggles and all. Marry someone with some more passion behind it. It doesn't need to be sexual passion, but a passionate desire for them that is not so easily waivered.
You only marry once so marry the person best suited for you
clearly sex isn't an issue there for you either so its not like you have to rush things to maintain abstinence for God.
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Clearly you two should not marry.
If this is enough to make you not want to date her, golly.. I'm not criticising you in saying this, but I have to shed light here on the reality of your situation.
Marriage is for life. If this is enough to turn you off of a person to the point you question if you want to date them, don't marry her. Instead, marry the person who is actually the love of your life. The person who you can't imagine being without, struggles and all. Marry someone with some more passion behind it. It doesn't need to be sexual passion, but a passionate desire for them that is not so easily waivered.
You only marry once so marry the person best suited for you
This. A million times this.
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