My first love wants me back - what do I do?

tui123 said:

Hi all,

First of all I am a 20 year old young woman who has a very strong faith in God. I have an awesome church family, friends and my own family who I know love me and have been so supportive of me. I just thought I would post to this forum to get some advice from others who don't know me or my ex-boyfriend so I can see what others in the world out there think of my situation.

This is going to be a bit of a long read but if you think it's worth it and have the time I would so appreciate some advice!!

I'd like to give a bit of background around my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. We met in high school at age 12 and since we were at a relatively small Christian private school, we were friends. We ended up in the same social circles (same church, same friend groups, etc.) outside of school and continued to be great friends - strictly platonic though, because he had a girlfriend for three years from age 15-18, and to be honest I never thought of him as physically attractive. He broke up with his girlfriend at the end of 2015 and I know it was hard on him for a period of time, but I also know (from discussions with his close friends and him too) that the relationship was pretty superficial and hadn't been good for a long time - she broke up with him because she was going off to university and didn't want to have a boyfriend to hold her back because she wanted to drink, party, live the college life, etc. A couple months after they broke up, he (lets call him G) developed a crush on me and tried to make a move on me once, but I rejected him. Quite badly, actually - for the next couple months over the summer I told everyone how much I hated him and how gross he was. I didn't realise how hurt he must have been by this until one time we hung out together in a group and I realised that G was a lovely guy and I was being so cruel. We made up and became friends again. Over time, I developed a crush on him, which was reciprocated. We started slow because just before he had confessed his feelings to me, he had liked another girl and that flirtation had just ended. I wanted to take things slow because of this, but that didn't really work - we just liked each other so much! Within a month we had become official boyfriend and girlfriend. We fell hard and fast and within 2 months we said "I love you". We had our small downs but got along so well and really loved each other. It was bliss.

Then comes May 2017. I won't go into the details because it will take far far too long but basically G hit a massive roadblock in his life - a lifelong dream of his that he had put university and a career on hold for came crashing down and he was left not knowing what to do with his time or life at all. He became really unshaken in his faith and felt purpose-less. Kind of an early-life crisis really! He started questioning everything - if he needed to move countries to potentially volunteer at an orphanage he had visited as a teenager in Africa, if he needed to make different friends (although the ones he had were still amazing, he felt like he was living in a bubble a bit), if our relationship was the right one that was going to see us all the way through marriage (like many young Christian couples, we had always just assumed that we would get married and wanted to as well). This obviously had a massive toll on our relationship. Over the next month and a half, we had many conversations where he let me know about where his mind and heart was at, and more and more these conversations became more "wait, are we breaking up?" kind of deals. It became really hard on me to hear him say "I love you so much and I want this to work so badly - you are the best person I've ever known - but I just don't feel right about this in my gut" many times. One mistake I made was not talking to anyone about what was going on with us, not even my parents or best friends, because I wanted to badly to fix it for myself and didn't think we were actually ending. Eventually, one of these conversations ended in a lot of tears and me saying "I can't keep going on like this - are we together or not?" G told me he didn't want to give up so easy, but he needed time apart from me to think about if this was what he wanted. We agreed on giving each other space for a couple weeks but staying together. The first week was absolute hell for me. I couldn't take the pain and insecurity and heartbreak with no end in sight any longer, so after a week we got together and talked and decided mutually to break up. G felt he needed more time, but it was hurting me so much I said I couldn't.

Breaking up was so hard because not only was he my boyfriend, but my best friend. I felt so lost but knew it was the right thing to do as he was only hurting me even if he didn't want to. Friends rallied around me and supported me - not just my own friends, but his friends too. Immediately after our break up G hit a new low point in his life - something that I could see, knowing him, and his friends and family could see too (his parents actually said to my parents how sorry they were about the break up and that "we love him, he's our son, but he doesn't have his head screwed on straight right now"). In conversations G and I had following our break up (we are heavily involved in church and church programs so because of this saw each other a couple times a week which was unavoidable) I could see that he was not the guy I had fallen in love with at all. I watched him make some terrible and hurtful decisions that were not God-honouring or respectful to anyone involved. The worst one of these decisions was that he jumped straight into a rebound fling with a girl who was new to our church and whom G had recently become friends with - everyone warned him against this but G is very stubborn and went ahead with this anyway. The worst part about it is that I know (have since been told by G - getting to that soon) they were further physically in the short period of time (a couple weeks) they were "together" than G and I had ever gone in our year-long loving relationship. This hurt me the most, and continues to hurt me.

After a month of us breaking up, G asked to meet with me. During our conversation G basically told me everything that had happened with him during the past month and how messed up he had made things and how he had been so confused. He told me "I thought by liking another girl and being involved with her I would get over you quicker - I realised that that was not going to happen, that I didn't actually like the girl at all, and that I still loved you much more deeply than I thought." He expressed his deep guilt and shame about what had happened and I know he was being sincere (I've never seen him cry before, but he did when telling me) and how he felt he had let me down, let God down, and let others down. The conversation involved a lot more than this but I will spare you all of having to read more words! Basically, we talked about everything - what went wrong for us, how we felt about each other, was there a possibility of us ever getting back together?

Here's where it gets confusing for me: since that initial conversation after a month of breaking up, G and I have had a couple more chats about it all. He tells me that he genuinely loves me and that while he feels (and I do too, actually) that it was the right thing for us to break up, he wants a second chance and is willing to do much better the second time around. This is so confusing for me to hear, because after a month I was just starting to accept that G wasn't the same guy anymore and that he wasn't coming back to me, and then he came back with all the words and apologies I had been longing to hear from him for so long. I love him so much - I think of all the good time we had and the life I had with him and I want that again so badly. The downs we had were never very bad, and we always had great communication with each other. And while I had my faults in the relationship, our breakup was mostly caused by his actions and feelings. Part of me wonders: if I gave him a second chance, would it be good again? Can he actually step up and be a man and treat me the way I want to be treated? There are so many good things about G that they definitely outweigh the bad things (and trust me, I have seen the bad recently!!). But another part of me, who listens to my angry girlfriends (haha) and my protective parents, says "what are you doing!!!!!!!!! you deserve better!" I think about how he hurt me and how I'm scared of that happening again. I think of the kind of process it will be for us to start dating again and the trust he will have to get back from my best friend and my parents especially, who have been helping me through all this heartbreak.

I just don't know what to think! G is a man after God's heart who wants to be better, who I know loves me, and who is asking for the chance to prove all this to me. But will the same thing happen again? Is that a risk I should take? Would I be doing myself a favour to reject him once and for all, or would I be throwing away what could grow into being the great love of my life?

I have asked for space from G for at least a couple months and he has been very keen to provide that for me and so far has been very respectful of it (he is the kind of guy who, in all things in his life, does things very passionately and has difficulty taking it easy, so I know it's hard for him not to talk to me!). I've made it clear to him that I don't know how I feel and that at the end of this period of time apart I could still say no. He is aware of this but from what I see is very willing to try.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Click to expand...

tui123 said:

Hi all,

First of all I am a 20 year old young woman who has a very strong faith in God. I have an awesome church family, friends and my own family who I know love me and have been so supportive of me. I just thought I would post to this forum to get some advice from others who don't know me or my ex-boyfriend so I can see what others in the world out there think of my situation.

This is going to be a bit of a long read but if you think it's worth it and have the time I would so appreciate some advice!!

I'd like to give a bit of background around my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. We met in high school at age 12 and since we were at a relatively small Christian private school, we were friends. We ended up in the same social circles (same church, same friend groups, etc.) outside of school and continued to be great friends - strictly platonic though, because he had a girlfriend for three years from age 15-18, and to be honest I never thought of him as physically attractive. He broke up with his girlfriend at the end of 2015 and I know it was hard on him for a period of time, but I also know (from discussions with his close friends and him too) that the relationship was pretty superficial and hadn't been good for a long time - she broke up with him because she was going off to university and didn't want to have a boyfriend to hold her back because she wanted to drink, party, live the college life, etc. A couple months after they broke up, he (lets call him G) developed a crush on me and tried to make a move on me once, but I rejected him. Quite badly, actually - for the next couple months over the summer I told everyone how much I hated him and how gross he was. I didn't realise how hurt he must have been by this until one time we hung out together in a group and I realised that G was a lovely guy and I was being so cruel. We made up and became friends again. Over time, I developed a crush on him, which was reciprocated. We started slow because just before he had confessed his feelings to me, he had liked another girl and that flirtation had just ended. I wanted to take things slow because of this, but that didn't really work - we just liked each other so much! Within a month we had become official boyfriend and girlfriend. We fell hard and fast and within 2 months we said "I love you". We had our small downs but got along so well and really loved each other. It was bliss.

Then comes May 2017. I won't go into the details because it will take far far too long but basically G hit a massive roadblock in his life - a lifelong dream of his that he had put university and a career on hold for came crashing down and he was left not knowing what to do with his time or life at all. He became really unshaken in his faith and felt purpose-less. Kind of an early-life crisis really! He started questioning everything - if he needed to move countries to potentially volunteer at an orphanage he had visited as a teenager in Africa, if he needed to make different friends (although the ones he had were still amazing, he felt like he was living in a bubble a bit), if our relationship was the right one that was going to see us all the way through marriage (like many young Christian couples, we had always just assumed that we would get married and wanted to as well). This obviously had a massive toll on our relationship. Over the next month and a half, we had many conversations where he let me know about where his mind and heart was at, and more and more these conversations became more "wait, are we breaking up?" kind of deals. It became really hard on me to hear him say "I love you so much and I want this to work so badly - you are the best person I've ever known - but I just don't feel right about this in my gut" many times. One mistake I made was not talking to anyone about what was going on with us, not even my parents or best friends, because I wanted to badly to fix it for myself and didn't think we were actually ending. Eventually, one of these conversations ended in a lot of tears and me saying "I can't keep going on like this - are we together or not?" G told me he didn't want to give up so easy, but he needed time apart from me to think about if this was what he wanted. We agreed on giving each other space for a couple weeks but staying together. The first week was absolute hell for me. I couldn't take the pain and insecurity and heartbreak with no end in sight any longer, so after a week we got together and talked and decided mutually to break up. G felt he needed more time, but it was hurting me so much I said I couldn't.

Breaking up was so hard because not only was he my boyfriend, but my best friend. I felt so lost but knew it was the right thing to do as he was only hurting me even if he didn't want to. Friends rallied around me and supported me - not just my own friends, but his friends too. Immediately after our break up G hit a new low point in his life - something that I could see, knowing him, and his friends and family could see too (his parents actually said to my parents how sorry they were about the break up and that "we love him, he's our son, but he doesn't have his head screwed on straight right now"). In conversations G and I had following our break up (we are heavily involved in church and church programs so because of this saw each other a couple times a week which was unavoidable) I could see that he was not the guy I had fallen in love with at all. I watched him make some terrible and hurtful decisions that were not God-honouring or respectful to anyone involved. The worst one of these decisions was that he jumped straight into a rebound fling with a girl who was new to our church and whom G had recently become friends with - everyone warned him against this but G is very stubborn and went ahead with this anyway. The worst part about it is that I know (have since been told by G - getting to that soon) they were further physically in the short period of time (a couple weeks) they were "together" than G and I had ever gone in our year-long loving relationship. This hurt me the most, and continues to hurt me.

After a month of us breaking up, G asked to meet with me. During our conversation G basically told me everything that had happened with him during the past month and how messed up he had made things and how he had been so confused. He told me "I thought by liking another girl and being involved with her I would get over you quicker - I realised that that was not going to happen, that I didn't actually like the girl at all, and that I still loved you much more deeply than I thought." He expressed his deep guilt and shame about what had happened and I know he was being sincere (I've never seen him cry before, but he did when telling me) and how he felt he had let me down, let God down, and let others down. The conversation involved a lot more than this but I will spare you all of having to read more words! Basically, we talked about everything - what went wrong for us, how we felt about each other, was there a possibility of us ever getting back together?

Here's where it gets confusing for me: since that initial conversation after a month of breaking up, G and I have had a couple more chats about it all. He tells me that he genuinely loves me and that while he feels (and I do too, actually) that it was the right thing for us to break up, he wants a second chance and is willing to do much better the second time around. This is so confusing for me to hear, because after a month I was just starting to accept that G wasn't the same guy anymore and that he wasn't coming back to me, and then he came back with all the words and apologies I had been longing to hear from him for so long. I love him so much - I think of all the good time we had and the life I had with him and I want that again so badly. The downs we had were never very bad, and we always had great communication with each other. And while I had my faults in the relationship, our breakup was mostly caused by his actions and feelings. Part of me wonders: if I gave him a second chance, would it be good again? Can he actually step up and be a man and treat me the way I want to be treated? There are so many good things about G that they definitely outweigh the bad things (and trust me, I have seen the bad recently!!). But another part of me, who listens to my angry girlfriends (haha) and my protective parents, says "what are you doing!!!!!!!!! you deserve better!" I think about how he hurt me and how I'm scared of that happening again. I think of the kind of process it will be for us to start dating again and the trust he will have to get back from my best friend and my parents especially, who have been helping me through all this heartbreak.

I just don't know what to think! G is a man after God's heart who wants to be better, who I know loves me, and who is asking for the chance to prove all this to me. But will the same thing happen again? Is that a risk I should take? Would I be doing myself a favour to reject him once and for all, or would I be throwing away what could grow into being the great love of my life?

I have asked for space from G for at least a couple months and he has been very keen to provide that for me and so far has been very respectful of it (he is the kind of guy who, in all things in his life, does things very passionately and has difficulty taking it easy, so I know it's hard for him not to talk to me!). I've made it clear to him that I don't know how I feel and that at the end of this period of time apart I could still say no. He is aware of this but from what I see is very willing to try.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Click to expand...