My eternal conundrum

[faceofbear]

I'm sure many know, I have been having issues regarding my salvation. I'm working on the beginning on the 3rd year of my severe doubting.

I've come to the point where I realized something. I do not, to a large degree, care about holiness. Let me clarify myself before you assume too much.

I have been self-deceived, I believe, into self-righteousness, and double mindedness. Although, I cannot be self-deceived if I realize the deception. So, I don't know what to call it. I've been reading Søren Kierkegaard's "Purity of Heart is to Will One Thing."

Despite some disliking towards the man and his existentialism, he makes some very valid points in his book, and I believe, largely, is agreeing with the Epistle of James.

I have come to notice that my willing to be pure is not because I love God and that I want to be pure for our Spiritual Husband. But, rather, that I wish to appear to be what I am not. Peaceful, pure of lust, single minded (as Kierkegaard says, to will the good), long suffering, kind, and having self-control. I want to be like Christ. Not necessarily because I want to for be Holy for God, but because I want to be Holy for myself.

Despite this, if there are times I want to be holy for God, it is because I am fearful of punishment. I do, at times, however, have a "Jesus loves me, so I want to do this because I love him," in mind, but when tempted, this is never in my mind.

I do not know what any of this makes me. I've taken comfort in times past knowing that Christ was sufficient. And I do believe this. However, I was comforted because I knew only Christ's death could cover me. But, as I am beginning to see with new eyes, Christ's death not only covers me from punishment, it saves me from sin, presently, and I am not experiencing that salvation from sin.

I have been taking comfort in the doctrines of Hyper-Calvinism. That is, removing all responsibility from salvation on man. I've followed the likes of John Gill, Don Fortner, and others. Perhaps it is their teaching, but I did not see the responsibility for man.

Now, I do not say this to mean that man is responsible to save themselves. But rather, that God provides grace to His elect to not only have faith, but to conduct themselves in a holy manner, if not unto perfection. I do not know if perfection is possible in this life, but when I read some of the Epistles, it sure sounds like some of the Apostles -- post conversion -- were pretty dang close. That is:

CANON 6. If anyone says that God has mercy upon us when, apart from his grace, we believe, will, desire, strive, labor, pray, watch, study, seek, ask, or knock, but does not confess that it is by the infusion and inspiration of the Holy Spirit within us that we have the faith, the will, or the strength to do all these things as we ought; or if anyone makes the assistance of grace depend on the humility or obedience of man and does not agree that it is a gift of grace itself that we are obedient and humble, he contradicts the Apostle who says, "What have you that you did not receive?" (1 Cor. 4:7), and, "But by the grace of God I am what I am" (1 Cor. 15:10).

CANON 7. If anyone affirms that we can form any right opinion or make any right choice which relates to the salvation of eternal life, as is expedient for us, or that we can be saved, that is, assent to the preaching of the gospel through our natural powers without the illumination and inspiration of the Holy Spirit, who makes all men gladly assent to and believe in the truth, he is led astray by a heretical spirit, and does not understand the voice of God who says in the Gospel, "For apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15:5), and the word of the Apostle, "Not that we are competent of ourselves to claim anything as coming from us; our competence is from God" (2 Cor. 3:5).

CANON 8. If anyone maintains that some are able to come to the grace of baptism by mercy but others through free will, which has manifestly been corrupted in all those who have been born after the transgression of the first man, it is proof that he has no place in the true faith. For he denies that the free will of all men has been weakened through the sin of the first man, or at least holds that it has been affected in such a way that they have still the ability to seek the mystery of eternal salvation by themselves without the revelation of God. The Lord himself shows how contradictory this is by declaring that no one is able to come to him "unless the Father who sent me draws him" (John 6:44), as he also says to Peter, "Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jona! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven" (Matt. 16:17), and as the Apostle says, "No one can say 'Jesus is Lord' except by the Holy Spirit" (1 Cor. 12:3).

-Council of Orange (529 AD) Source: Historic Church Documents at Reformed.org
​

I am beginning to realize that Christ is sufficient for salvation, but that Christ, in His grace, gives us faith, repentance, calls us to prayer, etc. all by His grace, and that man is ultimately responsible by God's grace as Martyr said:

Unless the human race has the power of avoiding evil and choosing good by free choice, they are not responsible for their actions.
(Justin Martyr, 160 AD, 1.177)​

Ultimately, I am confused why I delight in any holiness. And yet, I find, in my heart of hearts, I do not long for holiness. Because if I did, I have God's grace readily dispensed for me to avoid sins I am tempted to do. Yet, I willfully and consciously give into them.

I, again, come before all of you in confession of my wickedness, wickedness that I do not feel I have, nor do I feel any of this is said in contrition. And I come before you all for your prayers. Please.

Thank you.

 

[Biblewriter]

There was a time when I was a very holy man, or so I felt, and so I tried to be. But one day in my pride I prayed to God, "If there's anything in my life that's displeasing to you, show me, I'm strong enough to take it." He said "Oh, Yea?" And started in on me. It took him exactly three days to reduce me to a total nervous breakdown, as He showed me how much there was in my good, clean life that was totally unacceptable to him. Then He walked off and left me right there for two whole years.

It was terrible, All I could think about was how evil I was, and how holy God was. And the only vision of God I could get in my mind was an angry king, frowning at me.

The word of God says that "to whom much is forgiven, the same loveth much." And He wanted me to love him very much, so He had to make me realize how much He had forgiven in my life.

But suddenly one night, about two years later, He came back and absolutely blew me away with the wonder of the fact that when He bore my sins on the cross, He bore them away, and they were gone! MY sins were gone, and I was forgiven --- accepted --- by the God of the entire universe!!!!!

That night my entire life changed. I suddenly changed from the most miserable person any of my friends knew to the happiest one.

That was well over thirty years ago, and to this day I find that when my heart is full of Jesus, I am a twelve foot tall spiritual giant. But when my heart is full of anything else, I'm just an old cripple.

 

[faceofbear]

Biblewriter,

Thank you for your comments.

I had a similar experience about a year and 3 months ago. It was then that election seemed so dear to me, as God chose me despite my waywardness. It seems since then it has faded, perhaps it wasn't as intense as yours. I do know my heart has hardened and it seems that forgiveness for me is beyond my grasp. Though, I know it is a lie. It is what I feel.

Your words remind me of a song by the same singer in my signature, in fact, it's from the same song:


mine's been a yard carefully surface level tended
foxes burrowed underground
my gardening so highly self-recommended,
what could I have done but let you down?

the sun and the moon,
I want to see both worlds as One!

mine's been a vivid story, dimly remembered
and by the hundredth time it's told, halfway true
of bad behavior well engendered
what good is each good thing we think we do?

[find a friend and stay close and with a melting heart
tell them whatever you're most ashamed of-
our parents have made so many mistakes,
but may we forgive them and forgive ourselves]

the sun and the moon are my Father's eyes

 

[strelok0017]

I tend to have similar feelings often. Usually I pray to God that He delivers me from despair and most of the time He is quick to do so by either reminding me of His promises or openng my hear to His word that I'm reading but sometimes I feel like I'm fighting 24/7 not to fall into despair. Similar happened to me that it did to you. Back when I became a Christian I was very happy because not long after I started watching sermons and reading the word of God I found out that the blood of Jesus clenses us from all unrighteousness. I gave up on a lot of sinful things and for some time I remember being so thankful that I could not even burst into anger at someone. Three or four months later I found out that if faith doesn't produce fruit, it's dead (James 2:17). I started realizing what I missed in my Bible reading before. It was election. It did turn out to be what I beolieved (God sovereignly chooses anyone He wants to) but I was scared for a long time to even start reading about it because it might mean that after all I wasn't saved. It was partially due to my Catholic background because the majority of RCC teachings are actually anti-Gospel and don't acknowledge the sovereignty of God (RCC says that church saves, not Jesus...). It took some time for me to get them out of my head but it wasn't a big problem. God helped me with it. Long story short, since the moment I found out about James 2:17 my faith struggles increased exponentially. God started revealing sins in my life that I thought I would never again do: impatience, lust, anger, unkindness, lack of love towards others, even laziness came back. It really made me wonder if I was saved. Thanks to the grace of God I still believe that I am and that I'm free to love others snce God loved me first but if I do it with the power of my own will I'm a hypocrite, a legalist and a liar. That makes me scared. Good thing is that Jesus promised never to leave us nor forsake us. Remember that God is faithful and He will not leave you because of your sin even if you feel like He should. What I know however is that convictions like that definitely aren't coming from the Holy Spirit. Faithfulness of God, His mercy and forbearance put any lie of satan back to where it came from (which is hell). Jesus loves us and He showed that by dying for us. It is not His word that makes us afraid of Him but our own fleshly nature that's whispering to us: "Think you're saved? Wait till you get angry next time...". And remember that satan is a liar. If the conviction you feel isn't leading you to God but away from Him it is not the Holy Spirit. God doesn't reveal the truth to us so He can have an even bigger reason to punish us later but so we can through Jesus Christ, by believing in His name and treasuring Him be free to express His love for us towards others. That is the ultimate goal of faith: that it works through love. Remember the promises of God. I only have one problem left tho: I'm fighting the fight of faith on my own. Thanks to my past it's very difficult for me to be friends with anyone. My advice is that you find someone that would help you carry your burden. There is a verse in Hebrews, not sure where but it says woe to the one who falls and has not another to pick him up. Not saying that everyone who fights alone is doomed for sure but a lone soldier is a sitting duck for the devil and his demons. Christians can't be overthrown but your life would be so much richer with others reminding you about promises that God made, about His love and be there when you are about to do a horrible sin and help you out of it. Trust Jesus, He loves you.

 

[Hupomone10]

...I do not know what any of this makes me. I've taken comfort in times past knowing that Christ was sufficient. And I do believe this. However, I was comforted because I knew only Christ's death could cover me. But, as I am beginning to see with new eyes, Christ's death not only covers me from punishment, it saves me from sin, presently, and I am not experiencing that salvation from sin.

I have been taking comfort in the doctrines of Hyper-Calvinism. That is, removing all responsibility from salvation on man. I've followed the likes of John Gill, Don Fortner, and others. Perhaps it is their teaching, but I did not see the responsibility for man.

Now, I do not say this to mean that man is responsible to save themselves. But rather, that God provides grace to His elect to not only have faith, but to conduct themselves in a holy manner, if not unto perfection...

I can easily get lost in your comments, so I tried to reduce it down to the part I can comment on. I think you are coming to the realization, which every Christian who eventually grows from the birth phase to the growth and freedom from sin phase, that faith once given carries with it the responsibility to exercise that faith or it goes dormant and is useless for the life.

And if you don't reinforce the truths you believe, the lies you tell yourself daily, sometimes hourly, will overcome these truths in your daily condition.

And I think you are learning that the work of Christ on the Cross has two aspects: freedom from the PENALTY of sin, and freedom from the POWER of sin. The second aspect is a very practical one and involves interaction, not complacent indifference. In every believer, God works to try to draw them out from complacency to active practical reliance on Him on a moment by moment basis.

If I could suggest something, I would suggest staying away from those you consider hyper-Calvinist, and any hyper Arminian as well. You have a book that talks about those two aspects of the Cross, I'm not sure if you ever read it - "The Normal Christian Life."

Regarding responsibility, and the divide between those who grow and those who remain defeated, stagnant, and always wonder why, I like this comment by a man of many years and counseling situations, regarding one sin in particular:

Pastor Steve Hill, addressing a group on escape from drug, alcohol, & sexual addiction:
"...I was an alcoholic to the max. I would drink whiskey, straight whiskey, every day. And I was a junkie. Cocaine up my nose, in my arm, I did it all, friend. And God never delivered me from the desire and the love of drugs. He never did. What happened is that I decided to never touch the stuff or drink booze again... Those of you that are into pornography may be asking God to take away your lustful desires. You are a man with hormones. You feel things. You have since you were a teenager, and you will until the day you die! You are attracted to the opposite sex. I'm not saying that God cannot take the desire from you. He can! He's just never done it in my life or the tens of thousands of people I've worked with over the years. That includes pornographers (he's referring to those using pornography, not publishers). Ninety-nine percent of them had to make a decision. They had to make a decision to not walk by magazine racks of adult magazines and to stay faithful to their wives and their family."


To what he said I would just add that the main decision is a decision of faith - to trust Christ to come thru for us in life's situations - not a decision of will based on our own self-effort. Then it is actions in keeping with that trust - a definite engagement of ourselves, not complacent indifference.

God bless,
Bill

 

[RobertZ]

Some good advice in this thread, bear hang in there buddy! there is hope.

 

[k4c]

I'm sure many know, I have been having issues regarding my salvation. I'm working on the beginning on the 3rd year of my severe doubting.

I've come to the point where I realized something. I do not, to a large degree, care about holiness. Let me clarify myself before you assume too much.

I have been self-deceived, I believe, into self-righteousness, and double mindedness. Although, I cannot be self-deceived if I realize the deception. So, I don't know what to call it. I've been reading Søren Kierkegaard's "Purity of Heart is to Will One Thing."

Despite some disliking towards the man and his existentialism, he makes some very valid points in his book, and I believe, largely, is agreeing with the Epistle of James.

I have come to notice that my willing to be pure is not because I love God and that I want to be pure for our Spiritual Husband. But, rather, that I wish to appear to be what I am not. Peaceful, pure of lust, single minded (as Kierkegaard says, to will the good), long suffering, kind, and having self-control. I want to be like Christ. Not necessarily because I want to for be Holy for God, but because I want to be Holy for myself.

Despite this, if there are times I want to be holy for God, it is because I am fearful of punishment. I do, at times, however, have a "Jesus loves me, so I want to do this because I love him," in mind, but when tempted, this is never in my mind.

I do not know what any of this makes me. I've taken comfort in times past knowing that Christ was sufficient. And I do believe this. However, I was comforted because I knew only Christ's death could cover me. But, as I am beginning to see with new eyes, Christ's death not only covers me from punishment, it saves me from sin, presently, and I am not experiencing that salvation from sin.

I have been taking comfort in the doctrines of Hyper-Calvinism. That is, removing all responsibility from salvation on man. I've followed the likes of John Gill, Don Fortner, and others. Perhaps it is their teaching, but I did not see the responsibility for man.

Now, I do not say this to mean that man is responsible to save themselves. But rather, that God provides grace to His elect to not only have faith, but to conduct themselves in a holy manner, if not unto perfection. I do not know if perfection is possible in this life, but when I read some of the Epistles, it sure sounds like some of the Apostles -- post conversion -- were pretty dang close. That is:

CANON 6. If anyone says that God has mercy upon us when, apart from his grace, we believe, will, desire, strive, labor, pray, watch, study, seek, ask, or knock, but does not confess that it is by the infusion and inspiration of the Holy Spirit within us that we have the faith, the will, or the strength to do all these things as we ought; or if anyone makes the assistance of grace depend on the humility or obedience of man and does not agree that it is a gift of grace itself that we are obedient and humble, he contradicts the Apostle who says, "What have you that you did not receive?" (1 Cor. 4:7), and, "But by the grace of God I am what I am" (1 Cor. 15:10).

CANON 7. If anyone affirms that we can form any right opinion or make any right choice which relates to the salvation of eternal life, as is expedient for us, or that we can be saved, that is, assent to the preaching of the gospel through our natural powers without the illumination and inspiration of the Holy Spirit, who makes all men gladly assent to and believe in the truth, he is led astray by a heretical spirit, and does not understand the voice of God who says in the Gospel, "For apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15:5), and the word of the Apostle, "Not that we are competent of ourselves to claim anything as coming from us; our competence is from God" (2 Cor. 3:5).

CANON 8. If anyone maintains that some are able to come to the grace of baptism by mercy but others through free will, which has manifestly been corrupted in all those who have been born after the transgression of the first man, it is proof that he has no place in the true faith. For he denies that the free will of all men has been weakened through the sin of the first man, or at least holds that it has been affected in such a way that they have still the ability to seek the mystery of eternal salvation by themselves without the revelation of God. The Lord himself shows how contradictory this is by declaring that no one is able to come to him "unless the Father who sent me draws him" (John 6:44), as he also says to Peter, "Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jona! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven" (Matt. 16:17), and as the Apostle says, "No one can say 'Jesus is Lord' except by the Holy Spirit" (1 Cor. 12:3).

-Council of Orange (529 AD) Source: Historic Church Documents at Reformed.org
​

I am beginning to realize that Christ is sufficient for salvation, but that Christ, in His grace, gives us faith, repentance, calls us to prayer, etc. all by His grace, and that man is ultimately responsible by God's grace as Martyr said:

Unless the human race has the power of avoiding evil and choosing good by free choice, they are not responsible for their actions.
(Justin Martyr, 160 AD, 1.177)
​

Ultimately, I am confused why I delight in any holiness. And yet, I find, in my heart of hearts, I do not long for holiness. Because if I did, I have God's grace readily dispensed for me to avoid sins I am tempted to do. Yet, I willfully and consciously give into them.

I, again, come before all of you in confession of my wickedness, wickedness that I do not feel I have, nor do I feel any of this is said in contrition. And I come before you all for your prayers. Please.

Thank you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDBYzaix3lU&feature=player_popout

 

[twin1954]

I'm sure many know, I have been having issues regarding my salvation. I'm working on the beginning on the 3rd year of my severe doubting.

I've come to the point where I realized something. I do not, to a large degree, care about holiness. Let me clarify myself before you assume too much.

I have been self-deceived, I believe, into self-righteousness, and double mindedness. Although, I cannot be self-deceived if I realize the deception. So, I don't know what to call it. I've been reading Søren Kierkegaard's "Purity of Heart is to Will One Thing."

Despite some disliking towards the man and his existentialism, he makes some very valid points in his book, and I believe, largely, is agreeing with the Epistle of James.

I have come to notice that my willing to be pure is not because I love God and that I want to be pure for our Spiritual Husband. But, rather, that I wish to appear to be what I am not. Peaceful, pure of lust, single minded (as Kierkegaard says, to will the good), long suffering, kind, and having self-control. I want to be like Christ. Not necessarily because I want to for be Holy for God, but because I want to be Holy for myself.

Despite this, if there are times I want to be holy for God, it is because I am fearful of punishment. I do, at times, however, have a "Jesus loves me, so I want to do this because I love him," in mind, but when tempted, this is never in my mind.

I do not know what any of this makes me. I've taken comfort in times past knowing that Christ was sufficient. And I do believe this. However, I was comforted because I knew only Christ's death could cover me. But, as I am beginning to see with new eyes, Christ's death not only covers me from punishment, it saves me from sin, presently, and I am not experiencing that salvation from sin.

I have been taking comfort in the doctrines of Hyper-Calvinism. That is, removing all responsibility from salvation on man. I've followed the likes of John Gill, Don Fortner, and others. Perhaps it is their teaching, but I did not see the responsibility for man.

Now, I do not say this to mean that man is responsible to save themselves. But rather, that God provides grace to His elect to not only have faith, but to conduct themselves in a holy manner, if not unto perfection. I do not know if perfection is possible in this life, but when I read some of the Epistles, it sure sounds like some of the Apostles -- post conversion -- were pretty dang close. That is:

CANON 6. If anyone says that God has mercy upon us when, apart from his grace, we believe, will, desire, strive, labor, pray, watch, study, seek, ask, or knock, but does not confess that it is by the infusion and inspiration of the Holy Spirit within us that we have the faith, the will, or the strength to do all these things as we ought; or if anyone makes the assistance of grace depend on the humility or obedience of man and does not agree that it is a gift of grace itself that we are obedient and humble, he contradicts the Apostle who says, "What have you that you did not receive?" (1 Cor. 4:7), and, "But by the grace of God I am what I am" (1 Cor. 15:10).

CANON 7. If anyone affirms that we can form any right opinion or make any right choice which relates to the salvation of eternal life, as is expedient for us, or that we can be saved, that is, assent to the preaching of the gospel through our natural powers without the illumination and inspiration of the Holy Spirit, who makes all men gladly assent to and believe in the truth, he is led astray by a heretical spirit, and does not understand the voice of God who says in the Gospel, "For apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15:5), and the word of the Apostle, "Not that we are competent of ourselves to claim anything as coming from us; our competence is from God" (2 Cor. 3:5).

CANON 8. If anyone maintains that some are able to come to the grace of baptism by mercy but others through free will, which has manifestly been corrupted in all those who have been born after the transgression of the first man, it is proof that he has no place in the true faith. For he denies that the free will of all men has been weakened through the sin of the first man, or at least holds that it has been affected in such a way that they have still the ability to seek the mystery of eternal salvation by themselves without the revelation of God. The Lord himself shows how contradictory this is by declaring that no one is able to come to him "unless the Father who sent me draws him" (John 6:44), as he also says to Peter, "Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jona! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven" (Matt. 16:17), and as the Apostle says, "No one can say 'Jesus is Lord' except by the Holy Spirit" (1 Cor. 12:3).

-Council of Orange (529 AD) Source: Historic Church Documents at Reformed.org
​

I am beginning to realize that Christ is sufficient for salvation, but that Christ, in His grace, gives us faith, repentance, calls us to prayer, etc. all by His grace, and that man is ultimately responsible by God's grace as Martyr said:

Unless the human race has the power of avoiding evil and choosing good by free choice, they are not responsible for their actions.
(Justin Martyr, 160 AD, 1.177)
​

Ultimately, I am confused why I delight in any holiness. And yet, I find, in my heart of hearts, I do not long for holiness. Because if I did, I have God's grace readily dispensed for me to avoid sins I am tempted to do. Yet, I willfully and consciously give into them.

I, again, come before all of you in confession of my wickedness, wickedness that I do not feel I have, nor do I feel any of this is said in contrition. And I come before you all for your prayers. Please.

Thank you.

You have fallen into the trap of Satan that I warned you of a long time ago: you are looking to yourself and your feelings and following natural religion instead of simply resting in the finished work of Christ. You, just as natural false religion teaches you, think that you ought to feel something or experience something when the truth is that it can never come from you. All that youu are is sin and all that you can do is sin. That in no way means that you need not turn from sin and take every thought captive in order to honor the Redeemer. Even when you don't feel like it. Do you think that the Lord of Glory our Savior doesn't know that you are but dust and all the frailty and weakness in you? I wasn't even alive when He bore my sin in Hias own body on the tree but He did and I in Him have no sin because He put it away by the sacrifice of Himself. Quit reading religions philosophy, which always points you to yourself, and learn of Christ. I have never ceased to pray for you.

You still have my personal e-mail address so feel free to use it. I will give you phone number by e-mail if you want to talk.

 

[strelok0017]

You have fallen into the trap of Satan that I warned you of a long time ago: you are looking to yourself and your feelings and following natural religion instead of simply resting in the finished work of Christ. You, just as natural false religion teaches you, think that you ought to feel something or experience something when the truth is that it can never come from you. All that youu are is sin and all that you can do is sin. That in no way means that you need not turn from sin and take every thought captive in order to honor the Redeemer. Even when you don't feel like it. Do you think that the Lord of Glory our Savior doesn't know that you are but dust and all the frailty and weakness in you? I wasn't even alive when He bore my sin in Hias own body on the tree but He did and I in Him have no sin because He put it away by the sacrifice of Himself. Quit reading religions philosophy, which always points you to yourself, and learn of Christ. I have never ceased to pray for you.

You still have my personal e-mail address so feel free to use it. I will give you phone number by e-mail if you want to talk.

I think I did that mistake and perhaps am still doing. A couple months after I became a Christian I found out about James 2:17 which says that fruit is the proof of being a Christian. I knew that only what is done in faith counts and that it can never merit any grace at all but I did a strange thing. In order to study more I started playing less video games. Before you know it I thought it would be better if I took out some video games. My current situation is that every 2 weeks or so for the last month I'm struggling if I should play a certain game or not. Is my conviction coming from the Holy Spirit or from deeply carved idea? I don't know what to make of this.

EDIT: There's actually more to this but I'll try to be short. I thought that removing games out of the way would leave more time for the Bible and eventually would lead to knowing the Lord better. Not because I removed those silly games, however, but because Jesus loves me and I was deeply convinced that nothing but Him can satisfy my soul. If I could notice the biggest difference between now and then is that I do spend more time in the Bible, I spend a lot more time praying but being tempted and installing that game than removing it before I even start playing and repeating the process 5 times makes me feel like I'm spiritually killing myself. I even promised God that I would by no means buy a game that is going to be released soon but strange thing happens after I feel like I had a victory over sin or something (even a good thing) that might lead me away from God. A few times I even had scary dreams about that game that really caused the wish to install it to spark up again.

 

[twin1954]

I think I did that mistake and perhaps am still doing. A couple months after I became a Christian I found out about James 2:17 which says that fruit is the proof of being a Christian. I knew that only what is done in faith counts and that it can never merit any grace at all but I did a strange thing. In order to study more I started playing less video games. Before you know it I thought it would be better if I took out some video games. My current situation is that every 2 weeks or so for the last month I'm struggling if I should play a certain game or not. Is my conviction coming from the Holy Spirit or from deeply carved idea? I don't know what to make of this.

EDIT: There's actually more to this but I'll try to be short. I thought that removing games out of the way would leave more time for the Bible and eventually would lead to knowing the Lord better. Not because I removed those silly games, however, but because Jesus loves me and I was deeply convinced that nothing but Him can satisfy my soul. If I could notice the biggest difference between now and then is that I do spend more time in the Bible, I spend a lot more time praying but being tempted and installing that game than removing it before I even start playing and repeating the process 5 times makes me feel like I'm spiritually killing myself. I even promised God that I would by no means buy a game that is going to be released soon but strange thing happens after I feel like I had a victory over sin or something (even a good thing) that might lead me away from God. A few times I even had scary dreams about that game that really caused the wish to install it to spark up again.

The life of faith is a life of constant battle against yourself. Rom. 7:15-25, Gal. 5:16-25. If we are Christ's we need never worry about our sin causing God to be angry with us because The Lord our God and Savior, Jesus Christ, has purged it;put it away, blotted it out and totaly removed it from the sight and memory of God by His sacrifice of Himself. That is why the Apostle John can write by the insipration of God that as He is so are we in this world. 1John 4:17. Our standing before God is much more than a position of legality but one of reality, we stand before God as righteous as the very Son Of God. Knowing that I am free from the bondage of sin because of Christ I am free to live seeking His honor and glory because of His love for me. Love will motivate you to service much more than law of do's and don't will. If you love Him honor Him and you will find that looking to His finishsed work will free you to serve Him.