My father committed Suicide Sept. 8th 2006. Needless to say it took a big toll. Im a junior in highschool and at the time had just started the most crucial part of my highschool career.. My Grades bombed i went from straight A's to just about straight E's. I stopped feeling god and i think at a point wanted to Stop feeling god. There just wasn't a point. Why belive in someone who would put me through what i was put through. My life sucked and nothing was good. I started going to church despite the feeling in my stomach that i didnt want to be there. I continued to push myself out of bed when alls i wanted to do was give up and die.( it would've been better then dealing with the pain of another day.) And the more i went to church the more people continued to tell me that god was still there and he still loved me. Finally last night Febuary 2,2007 I went to a night at youth group which has changed my life. Two boys were teaching on the subject of hell and because of the situation the Subject made me feel even worse. At the end we were asked if we had questions and one girl asked what to do if she wasnt feeling god anymore . and a boy in the back replied that if she wasnt feeling God that doesnt mean god isnt there its that Shes doing something wrong to make herself not feel him. I got upset and decided to speak up. "My dad just committed suicide i dont feel god. thats not my fault i didnt do anything wrong." and then again everyone started talking about how i wasnt giving it to god. so time came for praise and worship I went up to the alter and tried to pray after a few minutes i gave up and went back to sit down. My youth pastor then came up to me and hugged me then asked if i was sure that i was done at the alter. I knew i wasnt so i picked myself up and walked back down to the alter and prayed harder then ive prayed in a long time. I started to really feel christ moving around me and i just broke down and bawled. after a while i got up and started to do praise and worship. My youth pastor again came up to me took my had and led me up to stand in front of the cross on our stage. As i stood there with my hands raised towards the cross relief swept over me and alls i could think of was how i wanted everyone to feel what i was feeling. Within Five minutes i turn around to find all the kids at our youth group walking up on stage to stand behind me. The feeling i felt when i left church will never be topped. Ive finally come to terms that God isnt leaving me and God didnt make my dad kill himself. I now know that God was there the whole time waiting for me to let him help me.
Im not expecting everything to get perfect but i know if i let it this experience will really help me.
Im not expecting everything to get perfect but i know if i let it this experience will really help me.
