My dad has problems again

mourningdove~ · Jul 1, 2025

Lady Bug said:
I am suffering severely from a very, very lazy mindset this week and I'm getting concerned about it. It's been nearly a month since that day and two weeks since the funeral, and I need to get going with some important things and I literally don't know what to do next. I'm scared to ask anyone (real life) for help because I'm apprehensive of not being able to follow whatever advice they may give. I can't do this by myself anymore.

Hi LadyBug

I have a resource I'd like to share with you, for if/when you find yourself looking for some local, in-person grief support:

GriefShare

GriefShare groups meet once a week, and usually in a meeting room at a local church.
In my area, they often meet in a Catholic church.

GriefShare offers general Christian support, while not proselytizing at all.
The workbook they use is Christian-based, and is apparently approved by the Catholic Church.
(Protestant churches use the same workbook.)

A weekly session consists of watching a short video based on some aspect of the grieving process, and then discussing the video afterwards.

Participants are not required to participate in the group discussions if they don't want to.
Participants can just attend and listen to the video and discussion.
The environment is very 'no' pressure.

GriefShare groups run for 13 weeks, but a person can generally join a group at any time within the 13 weeks.
Participants can also leave the group at anytime (just stop going), or join another GriefShare group at another time.
(Again, the whole thing is very 'no' pressure. I've been in several groups, and was never pressured to share anything.)

GriefShare has been very helpful to me in the past. GriefShare isn't like a big counseling session, nor will one get financial advice there. But what I did find was the friendship of others who were also grieving. I met persons who understood what I was going through; persons who were there to support each other during the healing process. It was a friendly, understanding, no-pressure experience that I'm comfortable recommending.

Website:

Need Help Dealing with Grief? - GriefShare

GriefShare is a grief recovery support group where you can find help and healing for the hurt of losing a loved one.

www.griefshare.org

chevyontheriver · Jul 1, 2025

Lady Bug said:
I did do that (go for a walk). I went into a wooded park and it was completely out of character of me to do that. I didn't feel safe yet the irony was that the woods had a calmness to it. However, it's money issues but I don't want to be specific right now. I'm starting to worry. A walk won't solve that problem

I know. But massive releases of cortisols into your body from worry won’t solve it either. You’re still in a tough spot. Take care of yourself. From this end we will pray for you.

Michie · Jul 1, 2025

Continued prayers Lady Bug.

Lady Bug · Jul 1, 2025

Michie said:
Continued prayers Lady Bug.

Can you and everyone else try to be patient with me if I don't update often enough? Just asking
(I wasn't saying you were not, I'm just proactively asking this for the future)

chevyontheriver · Jul 1, 2025

Lady Bug said:
Can you and everyone else try to be patient with me if I don't update often enough? Just asking
(I wasn't saying you were not, I'm just proactively asking this for the future)

Of course.

Lady Bug · Jul 8, 2025

I am struggling with something my brother said. He was telling me today that I will eventually have to "snap out of it." I think that was a terrible thing for him to say. Sure, he has been "used" to not being around my dad 24/7 because he hasn't lived in the same house for over 25 years. My grief is not going to have the same process or ups-and-downs that his will. Anyone who says that to me, I wish I could write them off, but he's helping me financially from time to time and it sucks that I need his help, because that would cause me to "have" to give him credit for my survival, which I'm not crazy about doing.

mourningdove~ · Jul 9, 2025

Lady Bug said:
I am struggling with something my brother said. He was telling me today that I will eventually have to "snap out of it." I think that was a terrible thing for him to say. Sure, he has been "used" to not being around my dad 24/7 because he hasn't lived in the same house for over 25 years. My grief is not going to have the same process or ups-and-downs that his will. Anyone who says that to me, I wish I could write them off, but he's helping me financially from time to time and it sucks that I need his help, because that would cause me to "have" to give him credit for my survival, which I'm not crazy about doing.

It can be a real blow to our pride, to have to accept help from someone we do not like or would like to avoid.
But sometimes God has us do it, for a season.

I offer a prayer that has worked for me in such times, The Serenity Prayer:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change ...
the courage to change the things I can ...
and the wisdom to know the difference."

Susie~Q · Jul 9, 2025

Lady Bug said:
I am struggling with something my brother said. He was telling me today that I will eventually have to "snap out of it." I think that was a terrible thing for him to say. Sure, he has been "used" to not being around my dad 24/7 because he hasn't lived in the same house for over 25 years. My grief is not going to have the same process or ups-and-downs that his will. Anyone who says that to me, I wish I could write them off, but he's helping me financially from time to time and it sucks that I need his help, because that would cause me to "have" to give him credit for my survival, which I'm not crazy about doing.

Wow, no one can set a time to stop grieving, everyone is different. That was a cruel thing for your brother to say. He should realize that you lived with your dad for a very long time, so of course you are going to grieve and possible miss him more than your brother would. Telling a person to "snap out of it" is like telling someone not to be human but to be a robot, human beings have souls and feelings, they can not just "snap out of it" at will. Grief takes time to get over. Gosh, my dear parents have been dead a long time, mom died 2005 and daddy in 2012, I still have moments when I cry over them, it is normal. Hugs.

Lady Bug · Jul 9, 2025

Susie~Q said:
Wow, no one can set a time to stop grieving, everyone is different. That was a cruel thing for your brother to say. He should realize that you lived with your dad for a very long time, so of course you are going to grieve and possible miss him more than your brother would. Telling a person to "snap out of it" is like telling someone not to be human but to be a robot, human beings have souls and feelings, they can not just "snap out of it" at will. Grief takes time to get over. Gosh, my dear parents have been dead a long time, mom died 2005 and daddy in 2012, I still have moments when I cry over them, it is normal. Hugs.

I wanted to both Agree and Friendly this, lol.

Lady Bug · Jul 10, 2025

Please pardon the melodramatic tone I'm about to give off. I wish I had my funeral arrangements done already, because I am not actively planning anything out, of course not but the ideation is so bad from emptiness that if I get sick or have to go to the hospital, the will to live is not there and it's too painful without the right relatives around. People just think that it will smooth over, this is different. If my dad couldn't get over his grief from losing Mama, even though he had me around, well I don't know what I'm going to do with no one around. One friend from church says that I have my brother. OK but that's not enough IMHO. It's like, I want to live many more decades and defeat death yet I don't have the will to live if I do end up too sick.

Michie · Jul 10, 2025

Lady Bug said:
Please pardon the melodramatic tone I'm about to give off. I wish I had my funeral arrangements done already, because I am not actively planning anything out, of course not but the ideation is so bad from emptiness that if I get sick or have to go to the hospital, the will to live is not there and it's too painful without the right relatives around. People just think that it will smooth over, this is different. If my dad couldn't get over his grief from losing Mama, even though he had me around, well I don't know what I'm going to do with no one around. One friend from church says that I have my brother. OK but that's not enough IMHO. It's like, I want to live many more decades and defeat death yet I don't have the will to live if I do end up too sick.

LB- when your dad was living you dealt with suicidal ideation. You fought all the time. For years and years even when you were helping with your mom you fought it. You are grieving but at the same time, you need to look at your newfound freedom and start cultivating the friends you want, the places you want to go and do, etc. You need to start looking at your opportunities instead of what you think you are lacking. Of course you are going to grieve but you need to make an effort to take advantage of the time you have now to make a life for yourself. You may need to seek out some professional help to help you with this transition.

FaithT · Jul 10, 2025

Michie said:
LB- when your dad was living you dealt with suicidal ideation. You fought all the time. For years and years even when you were helping with your mom you fought it. You are grieving but at the same time, you need to look at your newfound freedom and start cultivating the friends you want, the places you want to go and do, etc. You need to start looking at your opportunities instead of what you think you are lacking. Of course you are going to grieve but you need to make an effort to take advantage of the time you have now to make a life for yourself. You may need to seek out some professional help to help you with this transition.

I’ve said this before but LB you really need to talk with a priest or get a spiritual director. I suggest a priest first who can also help you find a SD.

Lady Bug · Jul 10, 2025

Michie said:
LB- when your dad was living you dealt with suicidal ideation. You fought all the time. For years and years even when you were helping with your mom you fought it. You are grieving but at the same time, you need to look at your newfound freedom and start cultivating the friends you want, the places you want to go and do, etc. You need to start looking at your opportunities instead of what you think you are lacking. Of course you are going to grieve but you need to make an effort to take advantage of the time you have now to make a life for yourself. You may need to seek out some professional help to help you with this transition.

You are correct but I don't think I'm grieving that dad, I'm grieving a different dad from years back who was more able-bodied. I'm grieving the dad that used to want to give me a hug when I was 4 years old before going to the office. I'm grieving the dad that took me to the supermarket to get my first Charlie Brown movie. I'm grieving the dad that would come sit in the car with me during lunch at high school because I felt too lonely. I'm grieving the dad who would drop everything to come pick me up at college when I was done. I'm grieving the dad that spent all this money for me his entire life for so many things I didn't even need, but he did so to make me happy.

However, I don't understand how I can be feeling this bad when I have more freedoms now. For the first time in my entire life I can go to church without having to be afraid of telling anyone that I'm going. It could be my money fears being the main driver of my grief, I don't know. The lady from church I was going to see today was not available due to the fact that she had an appointment at someone's home. The next chance I see her is this coming Tuesday, if I'm lucky, but every day I feel is a lost opportunity to accomplish something. However, I don't want to focus on anything. I do have resources, though.

Lady Bug · Jul 10, 2025

I'm sorry, I'll try to find incremental ways to improve. I know that God would not want his people to be dealing this way indefinitely in the wake of a death.

mourningdove~ · Jul 10, 2025

Lady Bug said:
Please pardon the melodramatic tone I'm about to give off. I wish I had my funeral arrangements done already, because I am not actively planning anything out, of course not but the ideation is so bad from emptiness that if I get sick or have to go to the hospital, the will to live is not there and it's too painful without the right relatives around. People just think that it will smooth over, this is different. If my dad couldn't get over his grief from losing Mama, even though he had me around, well I don't know what I'm going to do with no one around. One friend from church says that I have my brother. OK but that's not enough IMHO. It's like, I want to live many more decades and defeat death yet I don't have the will to live if I do end up too sick.

No one expects you to do this alone. It's very hard to grieve alone.
But it does take time, and alittle effort, to build new connections and make a better life for oneself.

One step at a time, one day at a time.

Please don't hesitate to reach out to a local grief counselor, if it's all just too much for you to handle alone right now.
Anyone understanding grief will understand your present difficulties.

And then there's:

Need Help Dealing with Grief? - GriefShare

GriefShare is a grief recovery support group where you can find help and healing for the hurt of losing a loved one.

www.griefshare.org

mourningdove~ · Jul 10, 2025

Lady Bug said:
I'm sorry, I'll try to find incremental ways to improve. I know that God would not want his people to be dealing this way indefinitely in the wake of a death.

No need to apologize for sometimes feeling overwhelmed by feelings of grief. It's normal.

But it's also normal to need some support sometimes, while on the healing journey.

I'm glad you reach out here. I hope you will find the strength to reach out to someone locally, where you live.
I think that might help you alot.

Lady Bug · Jul 10, 2025

mourningdove~ said:
No need to apologize for sometimes feeling overwhelmed by feelings of grief. It's normal.

But it's also normal to need some support sometimes, while on the healing journey.

I'm glad you reach out here. I hope you will find the strength to reach out to someone locally, where you live.
I think that might help you alot.

I do have local resources, but I know that by the way I post sometimes, it looks like I don't. I think I just need to actually utilize them.

Michie · Jul 10, 2025

Lady Bug said:
You are correct but I don't think I'm grieving that dad, I'm grieving a different dad from years back who was more able-bodied. I'm grieving the dad that used to want to give me a hug when I was 4 years old before going to the office. I'm grieving the dad that took me to the supermarket to get my first Charlie Brown movie. I'm grieving the dad that would come sit in the car with me during lunch at high school because I felt too lonely. I'm grieving the dad who would drop everything to come pick me up at college when I was done. I'm grieving the dad that spent all this money for me his entire life for so many things I didn't even need, but he did so to make me happy.

However, I don't understand how I can be feeling this bad when I have more freedoms now. For the first time in my entire life I can go to church without having to be afraid of telling anyone that I'm going. It could be my money fears being the main driver of my grief, I don't know. The lady from church I was going to see today was not available due to the fact that she had an appointment at someone's home. The next chance I see her is this coming Tuesday, if I'm lucky, but every day I feel is a lost opportunity to accomplish something. However, I don't want to focus on anything. I do have resources, though.

It’s the same father you just lost but everyone cannot be the person they were when you were 4 years old. We all have our struggles and have adjust to different periods of our lives. We are all supposed to grow together with the loved ones in our lives. It’s still the same person, the same love. Whether it’s the dad that hugged you as a young child and the dad the argued with you in your adult years. People have favorite memories of one another but you cannot lock others into that. The dad that hugged you at 4 years old, etc. had favorite memories of you as well but you could not remain a 4 year old either. We grieve those things even when our loved ones are living. Do you understand what I am saying? I completely understand those memories and feeling the loss of that type of connection with your dad but that’s something as you have said yourself was long gone and you felt suffocated by the family dynamic. I think along with your grief you are feeling very insecure without his presence which can make one feel hopeless. I really think you need to get to the point where you need to decide for yourself what you want out of life now that you do not have the obstacles you struggled with when your dad was with you. Break out of this cycle you have grown accustomed to and try to find some peace, contentment, and happiness in your life. You certainly deserve it.

mourningdove~ · Jul 10, 2025

Lady Bug said:
I do have local resources, but I know that by the way I post sometimes, it looks like I don't. I think I just need to actually utilize them.

I hope you will do that, because you are worth it!

For years, you have taken care of others ... it's time now to take care of 'you'.

FaithT · Jul 10, 2025

Lady Bug said:
I'm sorry, I'll try to find incremental ways to improve. I know that God would not want his people to be dealing this way indefinitely in the wake of a death.

It just happened a few weeks ago.

My dad has problems again

"Pray, and prepare ..."

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