My boyfriends ex

[Briseis]

My bf is very, very social. Everyone loves him. He is the kind of person that ppl want to be known as a friend of, including other women. I kinda got used to it, although I do intend to ask him to tone it down with the women once we are engaged, I think that is a fair thing to ask.

But what about his ex? This is really bothering me now. He told me long ago that she is the girl he liked most out of all his gfs before he met me, and they even had sex. I think she lives far away, but she is all over his facebook, giving him hugs and flowers, and leaving messages about how much she misses him (as a friend but I have suspicions). Even though I am not friends with her on facebook, and cannot see if he is leaving msgs for her, I know he is because of her replies on his. And she even said that they prearranged a time for them to be online at the same time so they could IM. Of course I trust him, if this was anyone else I wouldnt care, but I know his whole history with this girl and it bothers me.
Do I have the right to interfere?

 

[peanutbutter12]

I talk with some of my ex's, there is no harm in it if the two share a mutual friendship and have moved on past their old relationship and choose just to be friends. Most of my close friends are females, but that's where it ends, they are only friends.

Personally, I would discuss your fear with him and let him explain the circumstance to you, then leave it at that. You can either accept his answer and trust him, or you don't accept it and the relationship will eventually fail. The key is trust. You should never be with someone you don't trust.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

Umm...yeah. Even if there is nothing to worry about your boyfriend has to respect that it bothers you. Talk to him about it and tell him to tone it down.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

Umm...yeah. Even if there is nothing to worry about your boyfriend has to respect that it bothers you. Talk to him about it and tell him to tone it down.

I agree. I couldn't let it just go and not speak to him.

 

[none the wiser]

Umm...yeah. Even if there is nothing to worry about your boyfriend has to respect that it bothers you. Talk to him about it and tell him to tone it down.

Yup.

 

[saki]

Umm...yeah. Even if there is nothing to worry about your boyfriend has to respect that it bothers you. Talk to him about it and tell him to tone it down.

Yep, I agree too!

 

[peanutbutter12]

Umm...yeah. Even if there is nothing to worry about your boyfriend has to respect that it bothers you. Talk to him about it and tell him to tone it down.

I'm the black sheep here and disagree with this. While she may be upset because she's confused about the situation, she has no right to tell him he can't talk to his friends whom happen to be girls. If my wife had told me that when we were dating, I'd have kicked her to the curb and found someone who could handle the fact that most of my friends are female without getting jealous. After all, is it not written in Cor. that love is not jealous?

If she wants to continue the relationship, she needs to be mature about how she handles the situation. Not go up in arms to him and blasting him because she doesn't fully understand the situation and is driven in jealous rage because she doesn't trust him. That's no way to handle any situation in any intimate relationship. The mature thing to do is discuss without bringing your own "what could be going on" thoughts into it and getting facts rather than going on emotion.

 

[Leanna]

I think it sounds weird and looks bad. They shouldn't be overly chummy.

 

[DoctorShaft]

Eh, given your previous description of him, and then the girl talking to him all the time, these seems less like a "oh noes, he'll start a relationship with her again" and more like your pervious description: "A guy who everyone wants to be friends with."

Had sex with him? Check. So did an ex of mine that I dated. Heck, when we were dating, she talked to him virtually every day, or at least every week, AND STILL HAD A PHONE PLAN with him.

In the end, when relationships end, they are over. Why is she still with him? Because he still has some valuable trait left to use. Hence friendship. It was the same with a relationship I previously had. She once asked if I would mind if she shared a room with him for some event.

I replied: "Why are you asking me? Go ahead. I know the dude. Whatever."

So I'll agree with TerraSin, while also adding that I bet part of the reason she still contacts him on Facebook is the following:

1.) Everyone wants to be affiliated with him (raises social proof).

2.) This guy is some kind of decent catch. Even if she's not dating him, people that read her Facebook know she affiliates with them. Raises her cool factor too.

3.) Makes her feel beautiful/wanted. Gives him perhaps a sense of validation himself.

Ask him to tone it down if you wish, but I wouldn't worry about it too much either. Especially if she lives far away on top of it. At most, I bet he doesn't spend much time thinking about getting back with her or being romantic either. Unless he's unstable.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

I'm the black sheep here and disagree with this. While she may be upset because she's confused about the situation, she has no right to tell him he can't talk to his friends whom happen to be girls. If my wife had told me that when we were dating, I'd have kicked her to the curb and found someone who could handle the fact that most of my friends are female without getting jealous. After all, is it not written in Cor. that love is not jealous?

If she wants to continue the relationship, she needs to be mature about how she handles the situation. Not go up in arms to him and blasting him because she doesn't fully understand the situation and is driven in jealous rage because she doesn't trust him. That's no way to handle any situation in any intimate relationship. The mature thing to do is discuss without bringing your own "what could be going on" thoughts into it and getting facts rather than going on emotion.

Oh, I agree with you, thats why i said she should talk to him, but maybe her telling him to do something was the wrong choice of words.

If I had an issue with something then I know out of respect for me my bf would change the situation. I don't think its necessarily a trust thing, its just 'weird' and I think her bf deserves to know so she doesn't build a resentment and harm the relationship more then if she had just talked to him about it in the first place.

 

[Gardener101]

My bf is very, very social. Everyone loves him. He is the kind of person that ppl want to be known as a friend of, including other women. I kinda got used to it, although I do intend to ask him to tone it down with the women once we are engaged, I think that is a fair thing to ask.

But what about his ex? This is really bothering me now. He told me long ago that she is the girl he liked most out of all his gfs before he met me, and they even had sex. I think she lives far away, but she is all over his facebook, giving him hugs and flowers, and leaving messages about how much she misses him (as a friend but I have suspicions). Even though I am not friends with her on facebook, and cannot see if he is leaving msgs for her, I know he is because of her replies on his. And she even said that they prearranged a time for them to be online at the same time so they could IM. Of course I trust him, if this was anyone else I wouldnt care, but I know his whole history with this girl and it bothers me.
Do I have the right to interfere?

He needs to GET RID.

Pronto.


That is just blatant disrespect, having that girl around like that

 

[Briseis]

It only bothered me because she is the girl he was closest to emotionally after me, but closer to physically than me. But after reading the replies I kinda feel silly for letting it bother me.

 

[DoctorShaft]

Well, you shouldn't feel silly. It's both natural, and it's also quite wise to consider the situation. Not every person can "handle" attention from past flames.

The person I was with I knew instinctually that she would not go back to or start some kind of intimate relationship. I could tell from her demeanor, and the way she spoke about him, that he was clearly in the "friends" category. And that it would not go back. I never thought for a second it would be anything else, so I never worried.

There are others that are not quite so secure in the roles their friends play in their lives, and you would then have to be cautious. In the end, you have to look at this person and decide if they seem pretty wishy-washy about what they want from other people. That's where you get the problems from.

The MySpace problems, where people say "Oh, I just network with friends," but then you find half of their friends are cute guys or girls with whom their using as "backup".

I do agree with some of the posters here that you should talk to him, and that if the frequency of his "Facebooking" doesn't wane or diminish over time, then there might be a problem. Younger people (myself included) are instinctually into the networking thing, but over time it has become less and less a priority for me. On the other hand, I've seen others that just continue to add to their "friends" list, and seem to use it for more than just the occasional "How's it going with you" line.

It's really up to you.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

It only bothered me because she is the girl he was closest to emotionally after me, but closer to physically than me. But after reading the replies I kinda feel silly for letting it bother me.

Why should you feel silly? Even if you trust your boyfriend it is only natural that this would make you a bit uncomfortable. Talk to him about it, it is not fair for him or you to let this sit and build up.

 

[miss_klara]

It only bothered me because she is the girl he was closest to emotionally after me, but closer to physically than me. But after reading the replies I kinda feel silly for letting it bother me.

Don't feel silly!! I believe a guy in a relationship needs to put up some form of boundaries with other females. Not that they can't be friends, but what you're describing is a very intimate friendship. Coupled with the fact that they have been incredibly close, emotionally and physically, in the past - if anything, he needs to put up extra boundaries with her.
At the moment, I doubt it's a serious issue, but I believe that it's important you're picking up on his behaviour. I'm not encouraging jealousy obviously (although as his girlfriend, it's natural to feel jealousy/suspicion over this kinda thing). But he has to look at the situation as an outsider - at the end of the day, he's getting all cyber-cuddly with his ex. It's not appropriate. What's next? They start meeting for coffee as friends?? She calls him at midnight because something awful has happened and she needs to talk about it? This is where it becomes inappropriate. Unless she's chummy like that with all her male friends, it sounds as though he's the key male figure in her life, which means he's the first one she'll run to when she's in need of a 'male protector' or even just some male attention (platonic or otherwise). I don't believe that's appropriate for a guy with a girlfriend.
I definitely don't think it's unreasonable for you to request that he put up some boundaries with her...

 

[ImperialPhantom]

You have the right to tell him how you feel about it. He has the right to react however he so chooses, and you have the right to react to his reaction. Don't try to control what he does, but react to his decision according to your judgment.

 

[Briseis]

Thanks guys. He does have other females he is even closer to than her, but he never dated them so it didnt bother me. There are girls that call or text him randomly and late at night and just ask "whats up?" Its like he has stalkers, but I got used to it. I think the main problem is that he was somewhat forced to break-up with this girl. They broke up when he moved because they knew they would never see each other again, and they havent since. He told me not long after he left that she tried to get in contact with him through friends but he refused probably because it was painful or him at the time. This worries me.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

Thanks guys. He does have other females he is even closer to than her, but he never dated them so it didnt bother me. There are girls that call or text him randomly and late at night and just ask "whats up?" Its like he has stalkers, but I got used to it. I think the main problem is that he was somewhat forced to break-up with this girl. They broke up when he moved because they knew they would never see each other again, and they havent since. He told me not long after he left that she tried to get in contact with him through friends but he refused probably because it was painful or him at the time. This worries me.

Do you think that your boyfriend still has feelings for her or something?

 

[Briseis]

Probably not. It was a long time ago. But I have a little bit of doubt and I feel very terrible for doubting him. But I will bring it up, very delicately.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

Probably not. It was a long time ago. But I have a little bit of doubt and I feel very terrible for doubting him. But I will bring it up, very delicately.

Yeah, do bring it up in a non-confrontational way. Like say alot of "I feels" or "This makes me think" that way you aren't attacking him and he will probably be more receptive about talking about it.