My boyfriend is older, and an atheist

[Hurricane_Kat]

I posted about this also in the prayers section but I also could really use advice too. I am 16 and the guy I date is 20. He is also an atheist, and doesn't have much respect at all for religion, although he doesn't make fun of me for believing or anything. I pretty much believe in not having sex until you're married, and I don't like to get into situations where I am tempted to do anything that will tempt me. My boyfriend though is used to having physically intimate relationships and while he doesn't pressure me he hints around a lot. I don't know how to handle it. I'm not shy about talking but I feel embarrassed about the topic, especially because sex to him is no big deal and to me its something very precious and intimate. Also, even away from that topic we view things really differently. He is very liberal, open minded, progressive, even radical. I am somewhat traditional. He is outspoken and assertive and I can be quite shy. Do you think a relationship between two very different people can work? Should a Christian girl even be dating a guy who isn't a Christian?

My parents know that he and I are friends and hang out, but they don't know that we are more serious. I already fight with my dad a lot and sort of don't want to start another fight. They would never approve of me dating him because they don't think I need to date, but they don't mind that I have friends who are atheists or other religions.

Any advice? Please!

 

[sowellfan]

Ok, here's a scripture for you....

2 Corinthians 6:14 - Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

Argumentative people could debate the meaning of the word yoked, but Christians dating non-Christians is just not a good idea. Dating is essentially the act of looking for a marriage partner. With this in mind, we should never date someone that we would not consider marrying [1]. Would you marry a non-Christian, an atheist? How do you raise your children in a Christian home if the father is going straight to hell? How do you grow in your Christian walk when you don't have Christian fellowship in your husband? (Growing in your Christian walk is hard enough even when you marry a Christian like I did).

There are lots of good Christian nice guys out there who would probably be good for you, but I think you're sort of wanting to date a rebel. So I say dump this guy and give a nice Christian guy a chance, or if you've just got to date the rebel type, at least date a Christian rebel. Maybe a nice argumentative Calvinist/anti-Calvinist/whatever denomination you're not.

[1] Yes, some people say that you can just date for fun, and I've even been guilty of it. But it's not smart or safe. Dating can very easily lead to sex, even if it is our intention to save sex for marriage. All it takes is one weak moment. And after sex can come pregnancy. At that point, many women who make stupid decisions to date non-Christians end up marrying the father, and they condemn themselves to bad marriages. Since pre-marital sex is always a possibility, it's best to only date people you would consider marrying.

 

[Hurricane_Kat]

I admit it I always fall for bad guys. I like guys that are really adventerous and who don't let me be too shy or timid. You're right about not wanting to be married to this guy. I like him but I can't imagine marrying him. Our views are totally different. Like I know I would want my kids to be in private school like me and he is against all that. It's hard for me to end it though because I do like hanging out with him. I just don't like being pressured for anything and I know that I don't want to have sex before I am married.

 

[msjones21]

You say you know you want to date him but you know you won't marry him. Why be in a relationship you know has an expiration date? That causes so much heartache, You have also witnessed first-hand how much conflict it causes between you and your father. You already know the answer you just have to take the big step and do what you know is right. He may be a great guy and you may have loads of fun with him. That's great, but how hard will it be when you reach that expiration date in the relationship? Is he worth fighting with your parents over? How fun is a relationship in which you have to be secretive as to the status of it? You deserve to be with a guy you would be proud to tell your parents is your boyfriend, or a guy who would share in your faith with you. That is what God wants for you as well.

Just keep praying about it. I'll be praying for you as well. I know how hard it can be to get out of a relationship you know you shouldn't be in, especially when you really enjoy being around that person. Just stay strong.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Hmm...
I don't think you need to be dating a 20 year old. You could probably send him to jail for kissing you.
Really.
You don't need to be with this guy. I will dare to say that he's only got one thing in mind for you.

 

[mamaneenie]

Hmm...
I don't think you need to be dating a 20 year old. You could probably send him to jail for kissing you.
Really.
You don't need to be with this guy. I will dare to say that he's only got one thing in mind for you.

I know this sounds harsh, and I would have to agree. There is nothing wrong with dating an older guy when you are over 18 or there abouts. For example, if you were 20 and he was 24. That is a lot different then 16 and 20. I would never date anyone unless you had the intention of marrying them. My friends say that this is easy for me to say, since I am married to a wonderful man.

The fact that he has been in physically intimate relationships with other girls, says to me that he will most likely expect the same from you, especially since he is not a Christian. Sorry, but from experience dating non-Christians has always ended up in disaster for me.

 

[IvoryRain]

Because of legalities, I'd rethink dating him.

As for him not being a Christian, I may be in the minority here, but people do change and I dont think all should be shunned due to not believing in the same manner.

However - though he doesnt pressure you about sex, but he is not respectful enough to not badger you, I don't think that overall he is the *right* person to be with.

JMHO

 

[Yitzchak]

I have to agree that ending the relationship would be the best choice you could make under the circumstances. I am not sure though that this is realistic since most people in romantic relationships stay in the relationship until they are ready to break up and not before. I am sure that there are both positives and negatives in this relationship for you and it is not an easy decision.

I hope that you will not learn a lesson the hard way though. I would have to assume that the physical part of the relationship is a major for him and in reality relationships do tend to eventually go in that direction espeacially when a person is older. It is very difficult for a relationship to not end up in the physical without some effort and a very good reason not to. It really is the natural course of things. With only one of you making an effort to avoid sex, the tension will only increase on both of you.
My prediction is that he will wear you down in this area and pressure you into having sex and you will end up regretting it afterwards. I will pray for you that you will have strength and courage to do the right thing.

 

[LN]

I can only share my experience.

Right now I'm chatting over IM with a friend who married a non-Christian. Atheist actually. They are having serious marital problems.

Marriage is very difficult. There is a lot of compromising, giving back and forth, listening, compromising, listening, self-sacrifice....

I would think it close to impossible to keep a marriage going if both people are not seeking God for support. Of course people do it, but I personally can't imagine it.

I dated a lot of non-Christians before marrying my husband, a Christian. God blessed me more than I ever could have imagined by giving me such a wonderful gift as he is.

So maybe you may not marry this guy? I HIGHLY reccomend practicing dating the charicteristics you would marry. I really wish I had done that.

LN

 

[TCapp]

I have recently read an article in Boundless Webzine. Some of it might apply to you. I'll post the more relevant parts, but you can click the link for the full story (actually, a response to a letter).

***

(by J. Budziszewski)

You don't grasp what St. Paul means when he commands against becoming "unequally yoked with nonbelievers." You say you know you can't marry the fellow. But if we are not to marry nonbelievers, then it follows that we are not to fall in love with them, and if we are not to fall in love with them, then it follows that we are not to tempt ourselves to fall in love with them. That's exactly what you're doing by spending all your time with him and avoiding other people — as you put it, "using each other to keep away unwanted girls or boys." One of your excuses is that "we seem to complement each other in that we accept each other as we are" — him as an atheist, you as a Christian. Now how do you figure that the love of God "complements" the rejection of that love? Two different voices joined in a duet of praise can complement each other, but music cannot be complemented by noise.

You don't grasp what your own motives are. At one point you remark that you tend to attract men who don't want to get married. The reason you attract this kind of man, I fear, is that men are attracted by women who are attracted to them. Your inclination is toward damaged men so that you can have someone to fix. Although you can unlearn this inclination, first you have to recognize it, and then you have to offer it to God for repair. Peering between the lines of your letter, I also catch glimpses of a great loneliness, because you also think you can't attract a Christian man. Of course you can, but don't be deceived; God is not mocked. Don't pray, "God, in violation of your command and counsel I am dating an atheist, so please make him a Christian." Rather pray "God, if you intend me for the married life, there must be a Christian man for me, so please lead me to him, and him to me."

So what should you do? First thing to do: Stop dating this young man who rejects and blasphemes your Lord. To prevent equivocation about the meaning of a "date," let's put it this way. Stop seeing him one-on-one; stop seeing him often; banish all romantic hopes about him from your mind; and never allow those hopes to return. Choose now between the little heartbreak of breaking it off, and a greater heartbreak later. There is no third way; a successful romance with this fellow is spiritually impossible. When you choose, don't fall for the illusion that heartbreak is somehow romantic. It isn't; it's hell.

***

 

[sowellfan]

That is a really good article, TCapp. It sucks that people deceive themselves about love & romance. It's just so easy to look at the facts, know logically inside of your head what you should do, and then do the total opposite because you're thinking with your hormones (sexually or emotionally, either one works). I'm not slamming Kat or anybody else, because I've done it too.

So how do we keep people from deceiving themselves? Do we just make our objections known for the record so we can say "I told you so" when everything falls apart? I have no idea. I've dealt with stuff like this with a number of female friends, and it seems that logic never works. Once people open themselves to thinking of a non-Christian (or a person not-marriage-worthy for other reasons) as a potential dating partner, it can get to be like a snowball rolling downhill. Christians have to make it second nature in their minds that Christians are potential dates, non-Christians aren't. Did I behave this way in college? No, of course not. My relationship with God wasn't where it should have been, and the only thing that kept me from dating more non-Christian women was my general lack of success with all women, Christian or not.

I doubt that you'll be able to will yourself to drop this guy like a hot potato, so I guess you should keep an eye on the apologetics forum so that you can defend your faith more effectively.

Also, in another thread you started on this subject (I think there are 3 in all), you mentioned that you were going to talk to this guy and set limits on what you were willing to do. I think that all that will accomplish is that he'll know how far you're willing to go, so you'll get to that point even quicker. After that, the law of diminishing returns says that you'll go past those limits (I'd give you 6 months for this whole 'waiting for marriage' thing to go out the window).

 

[TCapp]

Yes, I've been through this before. Except I wasn't advising someone against dating a non-believer. I was advising against marrying a non-believer. (of course, dating is a precursor to marriage). But in the end, it was all her decision, and I would not condemn her for it.

So, she did marry the guy. And less than 5 years later, she divorced the guy. How I wished she listened to all her friends who were trying to warn her . . . but I guess that is how it is.

I also know how it feels to have a sweetheart. You get yourself so tangled emotionally, you're not too willing to do the necessary "surgery" to remove yourself. It hurts, and it would be upsetting to hear others tell you to drop him.

But usually, your friends are more objective because they aren't emotionally tangled. They spot red flags and their advice should not simply be discarded. Plus, in this case, it is also disobedient to God, so you know it goes against His will. I doubt He is pleased. I'm sure He, also, is pleading for her to drop him.

So the question comes down to this: is she willing to suffer a little hurt now by breaking it off when she needs to . . . or suffer even worse pain when she's even more attached (whether by marriage, "accidental" sexually intimacy, or just emotionally)?

 

[Susan]

I honestly believe that all romantic relationships are bad, simply because of the element of lust they contain and how they usually end. Real life is not the books or the movies, and you need to either go into a relationship with both eyes open and a mind not deluded by romantic fantasies or not go into a relationship at all.

Another little tip: if you feel yourself "drawn" toward someone, that is usually not of God. That's most likely of the flesh, the world, or even the devil and to be resisted with all effort.

 

[Just a Child]

Don't marry him. If you are truly committed to God and you desire a marriage with children, you would be doing your future children an injustice to marry one who is not evenly yoked in your beliefs. Trust me. I know. I did and I live for my sin made 13 years ago every single day of my life and so do my children.

God meant what He said, do not marry one who is unevenly yoked. It is destined for failure and you would be basically telling God that what He ask is not important enough for you to heed. Don't make the same mistake I and many other women have made. You'll live to regret it and there will be no turning back. Fortunately you can turn back now.

Your Sister in Christ,
JAC
PS: I will be very much in prayer for you.

 

[doulos]

As an Evangelical young man in the late 1960s I was sorrounded by nice girls that were nominally Christian in a nominally Christian country, but who did not want the gospel. I found myself witnessing to a certain girl with a tainted motivation: I liked her for me. Not so much for the Lord. I wanted her to be a Christian ... but for me. I had quite a struggle, and finally I put it before the Lord that I would never marry a girl that was not already a commited Christian when I met her first.

This liberated me to witness to everybody with the single intention to win them to the Lord, girls included, beautiful girls included, kind girls included, as I had commited this matter to the Lord in these terms. In process of time, the Lord directed the path of the then young lady who is now my wife and my path to merge together in a most beautiful way, and so we were married in 1976. The Lord will honour them that honour Him, and will prove that He is sufficient for every heart that clings to Him renouncing what may seem the dearest object in life at present.

Is the Lord Jesus the object of your heart and mind? Do you want to do His will because He loved you so much that He went to the cross for you? Do you trust Him to shepherd you in the steps of your life? Give yourself to His guidance. This can only be by obeying Him in what you already know. And I am pretty sure that you already know what He wants for you. The only question is that you must come to believe that in His love He does want the VERY best for you.

You are a lamb of His flock. And let me tell you, whether lambs or sheep, we need the guidance of the great Shepherd of the sheep.

May you let yourself be led by Him. For His glory - and for your safety, blessing and real joy.

doulos

 

[Echoes Peak]

I posted about this also in the prayers section but I also could really use advice too. I am 16 and the guy I date is 20. He is also an atheist, and doesn't have much respect at all for religion, although he doesn't make fun of me for believing or anything. I pretty much believe in not having sex until you're married, and I don't like to get into situations where I am tempted to do anything that will tempt me. My boyfriend though is used to having physically intimate relationships and while he doesn't pressure me he hints around a lot. I don't know how to handle it. I'm not shy about talking but I feel embarrassed about the topic, especially because sex to him is no big deal and to me its something very precious and intimate. Also, even away from that topic we view things really differently. He is very liberal, open minded, progressive, even radical. I am somewhat traditional. He is outspoken and assertive and I can be quite shy. Do you think a relationship between two very different people can work? Should a Christian girl even be dating a guy who isn't a Christian?

My parents know that he and I are friends and hang out, but they don't know that we are more serious. I already fight with my dad a lot and sort of don't want to start another fight. They would never approve of me dating him because they don't think I need to date, but they don't mind that I have friends who are atheists or other religions.

Any advice? Please!

Well, here's the deal....

Once upon a time..not too long ago, I dated a guy who was older than me (seven years to be exact) and not a Christian. Wasn't exactly the wisest decision I've ever made and that relationship was rather messy by the end of it, simply put.
Although, this guy may not put down your faith, he has no respect for your religion..so how can he have respect for you? You are your faith, and your faith is in you. It's not exactly like you can separate the two. And while, the bad boys are famously fun, they can also be trouble. The truth is, there will be a point where your faith will become an issue and at that point, you will have to make the decision to either put it(your faith) on the back burner OR put him out. It's not going to be fun. It's not going to be enjoyable and honestly, there will be quite a bit of heartbreak. As painful as it sounds now, I would rather put an end to things now, then three years down the road when much more has been invested. The right person WILL come along, but the question is will you be there to meet him?

 

[secretdawn]

I posted about this also in the prayers section but I also could really use advice too. I am 16 and the guy I date is 20. He is also an atheist, and doesn't have much respect at all for religion, although he doesn't make fun of me for believing or anything. I pretty much believe in not having sex until you're married, and I don't like to get into situations where I am tempted to do anything that will tempt me. My boyfriend though is used to having physically intimate relationships and while he doesn't pressure me he hints around a lot. I don't know how to handle it. I'm not shy about talking but I feel embarrassed about the topic, especially because sex to him is no big deal and to me its something very precious and intimate. Also, even away from that topic we view things really differently. He is very liberal, open minded, progressive, even radical. I am somewhat traditional. He is outspoken and assertive and I can be quite shy. Do you think a relationship between two very different people can work? Should a Christian girl even be dating a guy who isn't a Christian?

I don't think marrying an atheist is right, but dating isn't only for the purpose of finding a marital partner. It is also a learning experience. You will go through many good guys and many bad guys before you find what you are really looking for in a husband. Right now, you don't even really know what you want, you can't yet, because that comes with experience. I spent 4 years of my life with someone I love deeply, and recently found, that we aren't compatible. We don't get along, but that experience taught me a lot about myself and about what makes me happy when it comes to men. I know what to look for now, but even still, I may find I don't know everything I need to before I get married. Dating is a wonderful and painful way to learn about yourself, what you want, and what others are like in this world. If you only date guys you think you could marry, you won't date, because you can't know that from the beginning. You could think "this is a nice guy, but i don't think we would work in a marriage because he isn't Christian" and this man could be your soul mate if there is such a thing. He could be searching for God, or meet you and you could inspire him to search.
Most of all, use your own best judgement. If your faith is strong enough to date a non-christian and take advantage of the experience and lessons you will learn from it (not to mention the chance to spread the word of god), then go for it, but don't go into it if you think it will tempt you away from your faith.

My parents know that he and I are friends and hang out, but they don't know that we are more serious. I already fight with my dad a lot and sort of don't want to start another fight. They would never approve of me dating him because they don't think I need to date, but they don't mind that I have friends who are atheists or other religions.

Any advice? Please!

 

[secretdawn]

Ok let me try this again. I will summarize

I don't think you should marry and atheist but dating one doesn't have to be wrong. Dating isn't just about finding someone to marry. It is a journey you take to learn what you want in a husband, a path that will teach you about yourself and what you want and need in a life long commitment, and about your own personal self. If you pass up dating someone cause they aren't Christian then you could miss the love of your life. He could be searching for God, or you could be his inspiration to search. And if you avoid dating anyone you don't think you could marry, you won't be able to date, because first impressions are very decieving, especially in the dating pool when everyone is trying to act and look their best. As long as you faith is strong enough, you should take chance now and again. Perhaps you shouldn't be with this guy, but who knows...if you break up, he may look back and remember you and decide he liked the way you lived and though you may not know him anymore, he could be led to the Lord through your inspiration. Never forgo the chance to touch someone's life or let them touch yours. Just do your best to make them positive experiences. And remember even if it ends painfully, there are many lessons you can learn from it, and that is still a positive experience.

 

[KGirl]

You can have fun, adventurous guys who are Christians. How fun would it be to see your guy doing drugs, for example, when you don't like it and you worry about his well being? Also, you should aim for the best guy for you. Why would you want to be with this guy when you could have so much better?

 

[desi]

Run from him and the relationship. Dating an older guy as you are at the age you are is just wrong enough to be illegal in many states if you are intimate. Letting him into your life in a position where he could poison your faith is dangerous.