So, I was diagnosed with BPD about a year ago and I have been in therapy with my Pastor who is a counselor. I have been molested, gang raped and severly abused phisically, mentally, verbally and emotionally all before the age of 13. I can not take med's b/c i am pregnant and will be nursing soon when the baby is born.
I don't know if many of you can relate to my story but I hope that some will. I need to know I am not alone or crazy. I have extreme abandonment issues and they seem to be currently pointed at God. This is what is going on with my relationship with Him. I have dreams and visions from him every night. He tells me over and over again all the truths in the bible about me being His and completely forgiven. But all I can do is worry that I am not going to make it through this, that he is going to give up on me, that I am dying spiritually. Everyone around me is frustrated with me and I am extremely angry at myself as well. I am super afraid all the time that I am going to not make it or I am going to go to hell. I see right through the love of Jesus and seem to focus on the punishment. It saddens me to no end and scares me. God tells me that my "giant" is fear and it is keeping me from "flying". I don't know how to change my thought process or patterns. It is like I am doing all of this subconsciously b/c rationally I can tell you that I am saved and well. So if this is being created by me on a subconscious level then how do I change it?
I am having trouble in all my relationships. One day I am sane and lucid and all is well. I am happy, bubbly and can feel the sun shine down from heaven on me. Then another day I am sad, afraid, confused and feel like hell is on my heels. One wrong move and I am toast. I feel like I am standing before God afraid to move and afraid to think b/c it could be wrong and it will cause me to fail and fall. On those days all I can manage to say is "I don't want to die". So sad.
I have pushed everyone away from me b/c I feel like poison, trash and I feel like a bad person. I also know if I talk to them it will require emotion and feelings that I don't want to express b/c they are always inappropriate and child like. I have hurt many people by my actions and feel that everyone is better off not knowing me. I am afraid to return to church b/c I can not handle their rejection. I have opened up about what is going on with a few people and none of them have called me since.
I have these days where I can not even pray. Which scares me. I have anger that is sometimes uncontrollable and almost completely directed at myself. I feel like a horrible mother and wife. I feel hopeless and helpless most of the time. I am surrounded by many who can not relate with my past and the Borderline. I get angry at people who have had normal lives and their struggles seem simple and easy. I get angry that I will have to deal with this the REST OF MY LIFE.
Sorry to sound like a whinney baby. Before God took me on this journey I was a vibrant, outgoing person who glowed and read the bible often. I lead Women's Ministry at my church and I had lots of friends. Now I am lonely, confused, sad and scared. I haven't lead the women in anything lately. I am waiting for them to ask me to step down from the position. I don't feel like I have anything to offer anyone. I don't feel like God can even use me now. This saddens me the most b/c I just want to do great things for God.
Anyway, That's my story. I just ordered several books on Borderline and am hoping that they will help me understand my motives and feelings/emotions. I was very upset to read a few pages from one book that was for people who lived with someone who had borderline. The book made it seem like we enjoy hurting others. Like we enjoy acting the way we do or we do it on purpose. I don't know about you but I don't get out of bed every morning with a mission to hurt people. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to be better. I don't think people w/BPD intend or want to act the way we do. We just want to be better.
anyway, God bless!
I don't know if many of you can relate to my story but I hope that some will. I need to know I am not alone or crazy. I have extreme abandonment issues and they seem to be currently pointed at God. This is what is going on with my relationship with Him. I have dreams and visions from him every night. He tells me over and over again all the truths in the bible about me being His and completely forgiven. But all I can do is worry that I am not going to make it through this, that he is going to give up on me, that I am dying spiritually. Everyone around me is frustrated with me and I am extremely angry at myself as well. I am super afraid all the time that I am going to not make it or I am going to go to hell. I see right through the love of Jesus and seem to focus on the punishment. It saddens me to no end and scares me. God tells me that my "giant" is fear and it is keeping me from "flying". I don't know how to change my thought process or patterns. It is like I am doing all of this subconsciously b/c rationally I can tell you that I am saved and well. So if this is being created by me on a subconscious level then how do I change it?
I am having trouble in all my relationships. One day I am sane and lucid and all is well. I am happy, bubbly and can feel the sun shine down from heaven on me. Then another day I am sad, afraid, confused and feel like hell is on my heels. One wrong move and I am toast. I feel like I am standing before God afraid to move and afraid to think b/c it could be wrong and it will cause me to fail and fall. On those days all I can manage to say is "I don't want to die". So sad.
I have pushed everyone away from me b/c I feel like poison, trash and I feel like a bad person. I also know if I talk to them it will require emotion and feelings that I don't want to express b/c they are always inappropriate and child like. I have hurt many people by my actions and feel that everyone is better off not knowing me. I am afraid to return to church b/c I can not handle their rejection. I have opened up about what is going on with a few people and none of them have called me since.
I have these days where I can not even pray. Which scares me. I have anger that is sometimes uncontrollable and almost completely directed at myself. I feel like a horrible mother and wife. I feel hopeless and helpless most of the time. I am surrounded by many who can not relate with my past and the Borderline. I get angry at people who have had normal lives and their struggles seem simple and easy. I get angry that I will have to deal with this the REST OF MY LIFE.
Sorry to sound like a whinney baby. Before God took me on this journey I was a vibrant, outgoing person who glowed and read the bible often. I lead Women's Ministry at my church and I had lots of friends. Now I am lonely, confused, sad and scared. I haven't lead the women in anything lately. I am waiting for them to ask me to step down from the position. I don't feel like I have anything to offer anyone. I don't feel like God can even use me now. This saddens me the most b/c I just want to do great things for God.
Anyway, That's my story. I just ordered several books on Borderline and am hoping that they will help me understand my motives and feelings/emotions. I was very upset to read a few pages from one book that was for people who lived with someone who had borderline. The book made it seem like we enjoy hurting others. Like we enjoy acting the way we do or we do it on purpose. I don't know about you but I don't get out of bed every morning with a mission to hurt people. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to be better. I don't think people w/BPD intend or want to act the way we do. We just want to be better.
anyway, God bless!
