My big day and he called for WHAT?!?

[Helpme22]

I had to travel out of town for a big corporate meeting. I have extreme pressure on me for this meeting. My job depends on it. My husband knows this. When I left he didn't ask what airline I was flying... Where I was staying. Anything. I guess that's fairly normal. But 30 minutes before my big interview my husband calls my cell. I expect him to wish me luck so I answer. He is in reality calling me to tell me the dog piddled on the blanket and he isn't sure what to do. He says he wants to throw it away. Asks me what he should do. I tell him that he could try washing it but that he needed to handle it. Then he said well maybe I should take it to the cleaners.. I say honey I can't deal with this right now. He abruptly gets off the phone and says "I gotta go. You are going to make me late for work.".

I got off the phone and couldn't believe what I just experienced. Is this normal?

 

[Cute Tink]

Sounds a little thoughtless on his part.

Is he usually so uncertain about how to deal with a situation on his own? Is he not used to dealing with the dog? Is he not used to you being away from him? Is he usually like this?

This isn't how I would have responded to the situation, so I don't really know what might have been going through his mind, but it sounds to me like he is a little lost without you being there.

I hope the interview went well. Good luck.

 

[Helpme22]

He def knows how to deal with these things. It's not like having a dog is a new thing. He just calls to complain about things. However when I called him a couple of weeks ago with a sincere child are emergency he said he couldn't help me, take calls and wouldn't be home from work til late. He told me it was up to me so I handled it. Endangered my job in the process but I handled it. When I tried to talk to him about it after we both were home from work he got a really angry look on his face and shut down. He told me to "drop it. Said he didn't need his nose rubbed in it". And that was me simply saying that he hurt me by not helping me with the situation or even helping brainstorm via phone.

 

[Cute Tink]

Seems to me he doesn't deal with stress well. Either that or he wants things to just go smoothly or he'll get irritated. My first thought would be for him to do counseling or for the two of you do it as a couple, however, I fear that he would react pretty much the same to that suggestion.

Does he have a lot of recent or ongoing stress at work or at home that might be building up for him? Does he have any hobbies that he can use to help alleviate that stress?

 

[Helpme22]

That's part of the problem. I just started therapy again. He hasn't. I am learning that he has absolutely no hobbies except watch or listen to politics. Which makes him extremely angry. I have encouraged hobbies but he says he has no interest.

And last night when I got home (after huge flight delays, lost luggage and having to sit on a plane without AC for 2 hrs until it was fixed)... I told him I really wanted to relax and have a big glass of wine. When I got in he didn't show any affection. Then he poured me about a tenth of a glass of wine. He poured himself a huge glass. I said not after my last couple of days I really need more than a gulp! He said ahhh you will be fine and drank his big glass. I thought that really showed who he cares about!

 

[dysert]

I got off the phone and couldn't believe what I just experienced. Is this normal?

I don't know how "normal" it is, but I'd say it's not that uncommon -- especially coming from a man. (Note: I'm a man, so I know a bit what I'm talking about.) Of course, there are exceptions to this, but I know lots of guys (myself included, sometimes) who are so self-absorbed that they don't show the attention, respect, love, etc., that their wife needs and deserves. I'm sorry this happened to you (and I apologize to my wife when I do it to her). Is this a topic the two of you could discuss and maybe come to a better understanding of "His Needs, Her Needs" (that's a book, btw)?

 

[Cute Tink]

That just sounds selfish. While I hope you can find a way to get your feelings through to him, I have no ideas as to how. So sorry.

 

[Helpme22]

I suppose I shouldnt be surprised or shocked. It's basically his entire attitude. The problem is it continues to hurt me. I know I can't fix him...only myself. But even when I ignore the behavior ... It still hurts me. I mean how to I make him understand that his actions are selfish and mean. When I tell him that in a nice way...he gets mad and shuts down. Says I'm not his mother and he doesn't need to be scolded. And that is when I'm calm, quiet and kind.

 

[Helpme22]

Thanks for your replies. My job pays more yes,, but we got married that way. In fact I've asked to cutback or change jobs and he says no because he doesn't believe we could live off a reduced salary. He has $$$$ taste in houses and cars.

Problem is... He's a child. I've tried and tried to stop taking care of him or enabling as the therapist calls it. He won't stop needing attention.

 

[LinkH]

He probably didn't know you had a meeting in 30 minutes. If he didn't ask the other details, would he know that one? If you told him, would he realistically remember it?

He probably thought you'd be upset if he washed the blanket and ruined it or if he threw it out. Maybe he didn't want to be wasteful and ruin it or throw it out. We can get caught up in our own little worlds sometimes.

 

[Helpme22]

He did. I had just texted to tell him to wish me luck.

 

[LinkH]

So, what he expect if you came home and found a blanked ruined in the washing machine or else thrown out. Might he expect you would be angry or give him a piece of your mind? or do you think he just feels helpless when it comes to certain domestic issues which he thinks of as a woman's territory?

 

[SearchingStudent]

My husband was much the same way. Note I said "was". The game changer was when I accepted a job on the other side of the country and was out here working while he had to take care of arranging for the sale of our house and arranging the final cross-country move. He'd call me with trivialities and moan and whine that he didn't "know" how to do this or that when it came to the sale of the house, taking his car to be repaired, etc. I finally had to tell him that if he didn't straighten up and stand on his own two feet without having to call me and ask about everything, expecting me to know it all, he would not be making the trip out here. I was not going to bring that dependent attitude across the country where he would have to learn his way around a new area, find new friends, etc. I was not going to be available to hold his hand through everything because there were new pressures on me, with a new job, etc.

He straightened up real quick and got real good at handling everything he needed to handle. He's dealing with the realtor, arranging the move, and doing all I need him to do.

Yes, I'm the wife, yes, I put my foot down and delivered an ultimatum. No I wasn't a sweet little s-word wife. I was a witch on wheels. It needed to be done. He had to handle his business because I could not be in two places, 2400 miles apart. He did. We've survived...and hopefully will be moving into our new home here soon!

 

[Helpme22]

I appreciate your story. I think it's great that you were able to change his behavior. I agree there's a lot that I just can't allow him to handle.


I have just lost a lot of respect for him over the years. That's why I've struggled with wanting other men. From the very beginning he treated me poorly. It has def improved but I just don't think I can over look at him the same way.

The problem is how do I break up a family. Our son is 6. I don't want to destroy his life. It has just gotten to the point that i need to face the music.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

There are a lot of ways a 6 year-old's life could get messed up.

Divorce is one way. But not every child of divorce is messed up. Most go on to lead normal, well-adjusted lives.

Learning to be an entitled jerk who can't take care of himself because of the example of his father (and his mother who enabled that) is another way a kid could get messed up.


Not saying divorce is a good option. Just that you have to think about the example that you're giving your children, what messages they learn, even when the marriage isn't going to be dissolved. Maybe especially then. Do you want your son to be like his father currently is when he grows up? If not, you better get it under control now.

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

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