My Best Friend Just "Came Out" and I Don't Know What to Do

[VDMA]

So my best friend, who I've been friends with for a number of years, recently came out as Gay.

I will be baptized, confirmed, and come into communion with the LCMS in a little over a month, and though he will always be my friend, I cannot find it within myself to speak to him honestly about this decision without hurting his feelings.

I stand firmly behind my belief that homosexuality is a Sin and perversion of God's law, but I also believe that we are all sinners.

He is not Christian (in fact he is far from any religion) but I still feel he needs to hear my perspective.

The problem is I don't know how to handle the discussion without sounding rude and judgmental.

I would really appreciate some help in how to handle this.

 

[PreachersWife2004]

My friends who are gay know my beliefs on the matter, but they also know that I love them dearly. I have simply explained to them that I believe God created marriage for man and woman, that I believe a same-sex attraction is wrong.

You can love someone and not accept that they are living in sin. Just make sure you are consistent in that - the friend you have who is having sex before marriage needs the same outlook, etc.

 

[cerette]

Perhaps a good starting point would be to begin by saying you love him as a friend and everything you will be saying is out of love and concern for his soul.
It's probably also a good idea to say something about how you understand he hasn't decided to be gay and that it's an urge or desire he didn't choose to have etc...and then say that we all have sinful desires but we need to not allow ourselves to act according to those desires.

Good luck with the difficult talk! (If it's very hard, how about writing a letter?)

 

[Red 5]

I feel your pain. My brother came out as a homosexual a few years ago. I have shared the gospel with him and he even considers himself a Christian, however, he has become more and more aggressive about his beliefs over the years. I let him know that I held the biblical position on homosexuality and he could not handle it. I tried to be as gentle as I could and let him know that I would always be his brother and love him. This wasn't enough for him. He needed me to accept his sin, which I cannot with good conscience do. We haven't spoken in months and I doubt that things will ever be the same between us. The secular culture has decided that if we do not embrace homosexuality we are bigots. Be prepared to be seen as one.

 

[cerette]

I feel your pain. My brother came out as a homosexual a few years ago. I have shared the gospel with him and he even considers himself a Christian, however, he has become more and more aggressive about his beliefs over the years. I let him know that I held the biblical position on homosexuality and he could not handle it. I tried to be as gentle as I could and let him know that I would always be his brother and love him. This wasn't enough for him. He needed me to accept his sin, which I cannot with good conscience do. We haven't spoken in months and I doubt that things will ever be the same between us. The secular culture has decided that if we do not embrace homosexuality we are bigots. Be prepared to be seen as one.

Thanks for sharing your story, it is encouraging to hear about people who really stand up for the truth even if it costs them a family member. May God give you strength to continue witnessing to your brother and I hope that someday soon he will humble himself and start talking to ya again..

 

[LilLamb219]

The secular culture has decided that if we do not embrace homosexuality we are bigots. Be prepared to be seen as one.

Exactly so!!

Anything you say at all that doesn't accept his sexuality will be conceived (by him) as hatred no matter how kindly you say it.

I wish I had some good advice to give to you. I have a lot of gay friends and they have already heard the hammer of the law...so I know I don't have to push it into their faces.

 

[twin.spin]

I feel your pain. My brother came out as a homosexual a few years ago. I have shared the gospel with him and he even considers himself a Christian, however, he has become more and more aggressive about his beliefs over the years. I let him know that I held the biblical position on homosexuality and he could not handle it. I tried to be as gentle as I could and let him know that I would always be his brother and love him. This wasn't enough for him. He needed me to accept his sin, which I cannot with good conscience do. We haven't spoken in months and I doubt that things will ever be the same between us. The secular culture has decided that if we do not embrace homosexuality we are bigots. Be prepared to be seen as one.

We know what you're saying ... my brother-in-law also "came out" and my wife spoke to him about it, and he has "disowned" his sister (my wife) and hasn't had any communication with her (with the exception at her father's funeral a couple of years ago) since and it has been over twenty-five years.

His rational (so I'm told) is pretty much as you describe it .. except it or be a bigot \ homophobic

 

[Luther073082]

I sort of subscribe to the school that I don't tell my opinions to people who didn't ask for them. But at the same time you have to be honest if they do ask for them.

In the end I should hope that your opinion does not prevent you from being a good friend, even if that person engages in sexual sin.

Lets not forget that most people in this society engage in sexual sin, so they really arn't that different from anyone else in that regard.

 

[Red 5]

I sort of subscribe to the school that I don't tell my opinions to people who didn't ask for them. But at the same time you have to be honest if they do ask for them.

In the end I should hope that your opinion does not prevent you from being a good friend, even if that person engages in sexual sin.

Lets not forget that most people in this society engage in sexual sin, so they really arn't that different from anyone else in that regard.

I agree. My brother and I had a fairly decent relationship for the past four or five years, then one day he calls me out of the blue and demands that I accept his homosexuality. I gave him my opinion and then gave him the gospel. We haven't talked since.

 

[twin.spin]

I sort of subscribe to the school that I don't tell my opinions to people who didn't ask for them. But at the same time you have to be honest if they do ask for them.

In the end I should hope that your opinion does not prevent you from being a good friend, even if that person engages in sexual sin.

Lets not forget that most people in this society engage in sexual sin, so they really arn't that different from anyone else in that regard.

So what about this ..... just ignore ?

When I say to a wicked person, ‘You will surely die,’ and you do not warn them or speak out to dissuade them from their evil ways in order to save their life, that wicked person will die for their sin, and I will hold you accountable for their blood.


But if you do warn the wicked person and they do not turn from their wickedness or from their evil ways, they will die for their sin; but you will have saved yourself.
​

 

[Tangible]

Specific warning to the Prophet Ezekiel. Read it in context.

 

[Luther073082]

So what about this ..... just ignore ?

When I say to a wicked person, ‘You will surely die,’ and you do not warn them or speak out to dissuade them from their evil ways in order to save their life, that wicked person will die for their sin, and I will hold you accountable for their blood.


But if you do warn the wicked person and they do not turn from their wickedness or from their evil ways, they will die for their sin; but you will have saved yourself.
​

Odd how you leave out the parts of the passage in which it is very clear that the Lord is speaking to the prophet and not making a general commandment.

Besides there is no way he could grow up in the modern United States and not hear the warnings several times. He is likely aware of the stance of the Christian church on homosexuality, and likely doesn't care.

So unless you think it's going to be big news to him that the Christian faith disapproves of homosexual acts why bother him with it?

Do you warn everyone you know who lives together without being married or has had sex outside of marriage? Do you warn everyone you hear take the Lord's name in vain? Do you pound upon the doors of everyone you know who missed church on Sunday and warn them about making the Sabbath holy? Do you warn your friends who exceed the speed limit about the dangers of their sin?

 

[GodsGirlToday61]

OP,

I don't and can't know all that is going on in your life, but from what you've written two big things are going on: You're about to be confirmed (if that is the right word) into the church, and you've just found out that an unsaved, irreligious friend is an avowed homosexual.

Biblically, when homosexuality was hinted at, as in Leviticus, it was ranked with other pagan sins, or elsewhere, as an 'act' of sodomy, not a 'lifestyle' or choice as it is depicted or experienced in modern times, writings and so on.

The first thought I had was 'You've just had a shock, so silence and pray first...' In other words, if you feel, as you've said, that you can't talk to this person without coming across as 'rude' or with any other non-gentle 'tone', it may very well be that you're trying to do something of yourself, too fast.

Too often, I think we feel, as human beings in the modern world, not just as Christians, that we should be able to almost blurt out the 'right answer' to, well, nearly everything. That is what modern schooling has taught us: Quick answers so we can 'win'.

Right now you need to let your friend's admission sink in, and also let your own 'natural feelings come to the surface--while you are in the presence of God, alone... Including whatever anger or disappointment you may be struggling with...

Then pray for Guidance, let God answer, and go to the Bible, especially to where the Fruits of the Spirit are listed, and give them much deep, meditative, ongoing thought...

God made your friend, and you... And He made us to love that which is in us which is of the highest good: Kindness, intelligence, and so on...

But God also tells us through Scripture not to communicate to anyone from our 'natural self' (what Paul sometimes called 'the fleshly part', but rather, wait until we can communicate with the Guidance of the holy Spirit who is LOVE,

So until you can do that, 'don't':

Don't address his confession unless you feel you can say, gently, something like, 'I need time to reflect on this. I want to listen to you with a loving and open heart and right now I don't feel I can do that... I have my Faith to preserve and profess, and again, I have to be able to do that with love because you deserve that...'

When I have picked up the phone or dashed off an email without the deep meditative thought, prayer and honest confession to God about my anger (whatever), I have always ended up feeling deep unease, said the wrong thing, and regretted my impatience.

I'll pray as soon as I send this, that you may listen and talk honestly with God so you can, when it's the right time, listen and talk honestly (with Love) to your friend.

~ Carolyn

 

[twin.spin]

duplicate post

 

[twin.spin]

Specific warning to the Prophet Ezekiel. Read it in context.

2 Timothy 3:16
All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,

that includes scripture found in Ezekiel

 

[twin.spin]

Odd how you leave out the parts of the passage in which it is very clear that the Lord is speaking to the prophet and not making a general commandment.

Besides there is no way he could grow up in the modern United States and not hear the warnings several times. He is likely aware of the stance of the Christian church on homosexuality, and likely doesn't care.

So unless you think it's going to be big news to him that the Christian faith disapproves of homosexual acts why bother him with it?

talk about odd ... when's the last time you've been to Bible class that dealt with:

Galatians 6
Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.

Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.
Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction;
whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap
eternal life.

Galatians 5
The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery;
idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of
rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like.
I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God

​

Do you warn everyone you know who lives together without being married or has had sex outside of marriage?

your point is what .... ease your conscience by manufacturing plausible scenarios hoping to point out I'm the bigger hypocrite ?

Do you warn everyone you hear take the Lord's name in vain?

your point is what .... ease your conscience by manufacturing plausible scenarios hoping to point out I'm the bigger hypocrite ?

Do you pound upon the doors of everyone you know who missed church on Sunday and warn them about making the Sabbath holy?

your point is what .... ease your conscience by manufacturing plausible scenarios hoping to point out I'm the bigger hypocrite ?

Do you warn your friends who exceed the speed limit about the dangers of their sin?

your point is what .... ease your conscience by manufacturing plausible scenarios hoping to point out I'm the bigger hypocrite ?

 

[PreachersWife2004]

As a point, when I know my fellow believers are sinning, I do point it out to them. That is what we are instructed to do.

But I'm not so sure Matthew 18 really wholeheartedly applies to non-believers. Hitting non-believers with just law is not the way it works.

 

[Tangible]

2 Timothy 3:16
All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,

that includes scripture found in Ezekiel

Deut 7: This is what you are to do to them: Break down their altars, smash their sacred stones, cut down their Asherah poles and burn their idols in the fire. For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession.

By your reasoning we should put all non-Christian places of worship to the torch, and probably slaughter the worshippers if you want to get technical.

Thankfully, we have been freed from such requirements of the law by Christ who fulfilled all the requirements of the law on our behalf, including the requirement to personally inform every individual of every infraction of God's perfect law.

Perhaps we should now spend our time protecting and providing for our neighbor's welfare and leave preaching the law to those ordained for that purpose.

 

[twin.spin]

Deut 7: This is what you are to do to them: Break down their altars, smash their sacred stones, cut down their Asherah poles and burn their idols in the fire. For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession.

By your reasoning we should put all non-Christian places of worship to the torch, and probably slaughter the worshippers if you want to get technical.

Thankfully, we have been freed from such requirements of the law by Christ who fulfilled all the requirements of the law on our behalf, including the requirement to personally inform every individual of every infraction of God's perfect law.

Perhaps we should now spend our time protecting and providing for our neighbor's welfare and leave preaching the law to those ordained for that purpose.

So ... you're the second person who takes VDMA statement of "my best friend" and rationalizes into " to personally inform every individual of every infraction " ..... and that's how you and Luther073082 feel about your "best friend" ?

I'm trying to picture this scenario: your "best friend" standing next to you in front of God being judged and you watch him being sent to hell. Just how exactly are you providing for his welfare .... ?

 

[twin.spin]

VDMA,

I commend you for your concern about the spiritual welfare over your best friend. There is no higher priority in life than the greatest concern of the welfare of best friend than the spiritual.

Unfortunately, you will find people who tire of doing good and are frankly apathetic to lost souls ... even if it is their "best friend".

God's advice of when not knowing what to say:

Matthew 10:19
But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it.
At that time you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.
​

I would say that if that is the truth towards those who are our enemies, God is going to make sure you will be given what to say at that time when it comes to your best friend.