My 15 yr old step-daughter told me she isn't a virgin anymore.

[studentmom377]

A few weeks after we got back from vacation, my step-daughter started acting very strangely making comments like "boys are gross." I was talking to her casually about a boy my daughter, 16, likes and mentioned how I know HE isn't a virgin (because my daughter is friends with his ex-girlfriend). To this my step-daughter responded very strongly, "Ewww, that's gross." But it was the tone in which she responded that gave me the feeling she was revealing something about herself. Well, several weeks went by with her continued odd responses to such conversation that prompted me to start a conversation with her.

I told her I needed to have an awkward conversation with her and explained the weird vibes I had been getting from her. Then I, as tenderly as possible, stated that "I have the feeling that you may not be a virgin anymore." Shortly followed with, "And judging from the look you are giving me, you are not." I then reassured her that I wasn't mad and wanted her to be as honest with me as possible if she chose to be. She then poured her heart out.

I must first mention, that she lives primarily with her mother about 45 miles away and only visits us every other weekend.

That said, I said I would keep what we said between us and not tell her dad. I asked her to be open and honest with both her dad and mom about it when she was ready which she responded, reluctantly, she would when she was ready.

Well, this is where I failed her trust. I had to tell her dad, my husband. Believing that keeping secrets is basically lying, I did not want to keep this secret from him.

He reacted as I had, with disappointment but compassion. I told him, too, that I had told her I would keep it a secret. Yes, I realize I lied to her, but not outright. It took me a couple days of prayer and thought to actually tell him.

Well, now I'm in a pickle. Tonight I told her that I betrayed her confidence and told her dad. I feel as though I did the right thing because I told him so he could talk to her mother about the lack of boundaries she has set for SD.

Of course, SD is upset with me for which I feel terrible about. I guess I just need prayers that God will make good come out of this.

 

[If Not For Grace]

We should not make promises lightly. You should not have promised her you "would not tell" especially knowing the question you were asking--- and that it had at least a 50% chance of being an answer of "I'm not a virgin"

You lied to her or as you put it "failed her trust". All you can do is apologize for making a promise you knew you would not be able to keep, & ask for her forgiveness and the next time an issue like this comes up-promise to help her through it.. not help her keep a secret. The next conversation likely should be about safe sex and or birth control, don't you think?

 

[studentmom377]

We should not make promises lightly. You should not have promised her you "would not tell" especially knowing the question you were asking--- and that it had at least a 50% chance of being an answer of "I'm not a virgin"

You lied to her or as you put it "failed her trust". All you can do is apologize for making a promise you knew you would not be able to keep, & ask for her forgiveness and the next time an issue like this comes up-promise to help her through it.. not help her keep a secret. The next conversation likely should be about safe sex and or birth control, don't you think?

I guess I was banking on the answer to be "Yes, I'm still a virgin" when I told her, not promised, that it would be between us. I had made it clear to her that keeping secrets is lying and encouraged her to come clean to her mom and dad. Like I said, I prayed long and hard about telling her dad because it was such an important issue.

And yes, we did have the safe sex/BC talk when she confessed. And, of course, when I told her I let her dad know, I apologized and explained my reasoning for telling him.

 

[hedrick]

I guess I was banking on the answer to be "Yes, I'm still a virgin" when I told her, not promised, that it would be between us. I had made it clear to her that keeping secrets is lying and encouraged her to come clean to her mom and dad. Like I said, I prayed long and hard about telling her dad because it was such an important issue.

And yes, we did have the safe sex/BC talk when she confessed. And, of course, when I told her I let her dad know, I apologized and explained my reasoning for telling him.

I don't think there's any distinction between telling someone you are not going to tell her father and promising. You not only violated her trust, but removed her opportunity to bring up the subject with her father on her own.

Please read Mat 5:31-37. Apparently some Jews had a tradition that oaths by certain things were valid, and others were not. Jesus position is that we aren't allowed to say that promises are only valid when we use some particular formula. People should be able to rely on a simple yes or no.

I join your prayer that something good will come out of this.

 

[Urbanredneck]

To be honest, I bet she was wanting to tell you anyways or knew you would find out. And she never truly expected you wouldnt break your promise.

Now saying that what you should have done is give her some time to tell her Dad on her own or at least be prepared for when you would before you told. Maybe you could have given her a month or something.

 

[hedrick]

To be honest, I bet she was wanting to tell you anyways or knew you would find out. And she never truly expected you wouldnt break your promise.

So promises don't count if we suspect the person doesn't trust us to keep it? Taking this approach would make it impossible ever to build up trust.

 

[Urbanredneck]

Sadly yes. Its not so much that you will keep a secret forever its trust you will be wise with the information. Honestly, most people will share things sooner or later. Even agreements made under oath and bound by laws are know to the right people.

Even coming on this board and telling others is breaking your vow because you dont know who's on this board and who can figure out by clues if they know you.

In this case the parents should know sooner or later the kid will have sex. It's not the end of the world and I dont care if your conservative "wait until marriage" or open parents who hand their kids condoms it's still a shock when your kids do it for the first time.

 

[Urbanredneck]

I guess I was banking on the answer to be "Yes, I'm still a virgin" when I told her, not promised, that it would be between us. I had made it clear to her that keeping secrets is lying and encouraged her to come clean to her mom and dad. Like I said, I prayed long and hard about telling her dad because it was such an important issue.

And yes, we did have the safe sex/BC talk when she confessed. And, of course, when I told her I let her dad know, I apologized and explained my reasoning for telling him.

I have to ask, did you honestly expect her to not have sex until say age 21 or marriage?

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

To be honest, I bet she was wanting to tell you anyways or knew you would find out. And she never truly expected you wouldnt break your promise.

That's crazy. I would be mad and never talk to her again. So I'm not getting how you come up with this.

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

That said, I said I would keep what we said between us and not tell her dad.

So you lied to her, but I'm not getting how you thought it was okay to say you wouldn't tell her dad. I'm kind of lost about that.All you did was tell her not to be honest with you.

 

[FreeSpirit74]

I don't think there's any distinction between telling someone you are not going to tell her father and promising. You not only violated her trust, but removed her opportunity to bring up the subject with her father on her own.

Speaking as a woman, the thought of discussing my sex life, at any age (and I "lost it" when I was 18), with my father makes me want to vomit. I always went to my mother about stuff like that.

 

[Andrea411]

A few weeks after we got back from vacation, my step-daughter started acting very strangely making comments like "boys are gross." I was talking to her casually about a boy my daughter, 16, likes and mentioned how I know HE isn't a virgin (because my daughter is friends with his ex-girlfriend). To this my step-daughter responded very strongly, "Ewww, that's gross." But it was the tone in which she responded that gave me the feeling she was revealing something about herself. Well, several weeks went by with her continued odd responses to such conversation that prompted me to start a conversation with her.

I told her I needed to have an awkward conversation with her and explained the weird vibes I had been getting from her. Then I, as tenderly as possible, stated that "I have the feeling that you may not be a virgin anymore." Shortly followed with, "And judging from the look you are giving me, you are not." I then reassured her that I wasn't mad and wanted her to be as honest with me as possible if she chose to be. She then poured her heart out.

I must first mention, that she lives primarily with her mother about 45 miles away and only visits us every other weekend.

That said, I said I would keep what we said between us and not tell her dad. I asked her to be open and honest with both her dad and mom about it when she was ready which she responded, reluctantly, she would when she was ready.

Well, this is where I failed her trust. I had to tell her dad, my husband. Believing that keeping secrets is basically lying, I did not want to keep this secret from him.

He reacted as I had, with disappointment but compassion. I told him, too, that I had told her I would keep it a secret. Yes, I realize I lied to her, but not outright. It took me a couple days of prayer and thought to actually tell him.

Well, now I'm in a pickle. Tonight I told her that I betrayed her confidence and told her dad. I feel as though I did the right thing because I told him so he could talk to her mother about the lack of boundaries she has set for SD.

Of course, SD is upset with me for which I feel terrible about. I guess I just need prayers that God will make good come out of this.

.... as I was reading your post I thought "Oh no" you can not keep this from her mother and father, and if they find out you know and didn't tell them. That is one violation too far. There are some things that are too important to keep a secret about a 15 year old. Boy or girl.
You absolutely did the right thing. Just confess to her that you thought you'd keep it a secret until you thought about the consequences for everyone - including her. Sex is a life and death issue, it is not just a lapse in morals... it brings life and can bring death. AIDS in on the rise in teens, antibiotic resistant STDs etc etc. Her parents have the absolute right to know so they can do what is possible and necessary.
God bless, andrea

 

[hedrick]

.... as I was reading your post I thought "Oh no" you can not keep this from her mother and father, and if they find out you know and didn't tell them. That is one violation too far. There are some things that are too important to keep a secret about a 15 year old. Boy or girl.

There are implied exceptions to promises. If I promise to keep things you tell me confidential, there are limits. If you tell me you're about to kill someone, I'll still do something about it. You seem to be saying that having sex is one of those things. That's a defensible position, though I don't agree with it.

But in this case the step-mother knew what her step-daughter was likely to say. This wasn't a generic promise, where you can reasonably say "I never meant it to cover *that*." Given the context, her step daughter would reasonably have understood her as promising to keep *that* secret, specifically.

Are there times when you're justified in promising confidentiality in order to get someone to confess something, knowing that you're going to violate the confidentiality? Maybe. The classic ticking bomb situation might do it. But in that case you need them to say something in order to save a life. You also don't care about the impact on their future trust in you, nor are you worried about the long-term effect on a teenager of having a parent or other trusted adult betray their trust.

In this case the OP already had a reasonable suspicion that her step-daughter had had sex. She already had enough information to tell her parents that they should investigate. The only reason to promise confidentiality would be that she wanted her step-daughter to speak openly with her, so she could provide personal support. I don't see any way to justify violating a promise in that situation.

Hindsight is always 20/20. But in retrospect, a better way to handle the situation would have been to tell the parents what you knew before you made the promise: "Your daughter has been reacting oddly to anything involving boys. You might want to talk with her about it, to see if she's had an experience you should know about." You could then honestly tell her that although she may be unhappy with you, you haven't violated your promise to her.

 

[Hetta]

A few weeks after we got back from vacation, my step-daughter started acting very strangely making comments like "boys are gross." I was talking to her casually about a boy my daughter, 16, likes and mentioned how I know HE isn't a virgin (because my daughter is friends with his ex-girlfriend). To this my step-daughter responded very strongly, "Ewww, that's gross." But it was the tone in which she responded that gave me the feeling she was revealing something about herself. Well, several weeks went by with her continued odd responses to such conversation that prompted me to start a conversation with her.

I told her I needed to have an awkward conversation with her and explained the weird vibes I had been getting from her. Then I, as tenderly as possible, stated that "I have the feeling that you may not be a virgin anymore." Shortly followed with, "And judging from the look you are giving me, you are not." I then reassured her that I wasn't mad and wanted her to be as honest with me as possible if she chose to be. She then poured her heart out.

I must first mention, that she lives primarily with her mother about 45 miles away and only visits us every other weekend.

That said, I said I would keep what we said between us and not tell her dad. I asked her to be open and honest with both her dad and mom about it when she was ready which she responded, reluctantly, she would when she was ready.

Well, this is where I failed her trust. I had to tell her dad, my husband. Believing that keeping secrets is basically lying, I did not want to keep this secret from him.

He reacted as I had, with disappointment but compassion. I told him, too, that I had told her I would keep it a secret. Yes, I realize I lied to her, but not outright. It took me a couple days of prayer and thought to actually tell him.

Well, now I'm in a pickle. Tonight I told her that I betrayed her confidence and told her dad. I feel as though I did the right thing because I told him so he could talk to her mother about the lack of boundaries she has set for SD.

Of course, SD is upset with me for which I feel terrible about. I guess I just need prayers that God will make good come out of this.

I understand the reasons that you told your husband, but I don't agree with them, and perhaps from this you can learn not to make promises you aren't sure you can't keep? I'm not going to bash you on this, because it's easy for outsiders to be so sure that they know how to parent or how they would respond, so anyway - did you sincerely apologize to her and, if so, is your relationship back on track? I hope that it is because obviously this girl trusts you (or did trust you) and was able to share something very important with you. I hope that she is able to have more open conversations with her father and you from here on out. Was the situation where she had sex non-coercive and someone her own age? She is underage at 15, that is for sure. Also, was she protected from pregnancy and disease? Would she be willing to go to a GYN doctor with you and get checked over?

I'm sorry that a girl this young had sex in this way. It is not a good way to start our your sexual awareness/experience so young and with someone not your spouse.

 

[Andrea411]

There are implied exceptions to promises. If I promise to keep things you tell me confidential, there are limits. If you tell me you're about to kill someone, I'll still do something about it. You seem to be saying that having sex is one of those things. That's a defensible position, though I don't agree with it.

But in this case the step-mother knew what her step-daughter was likely to say. This wasn't a generic promise, where you can reasonably say "I never meant it to cover *that*." Given the context, her step daughter would reasonably have understood her as promising to keep *that* secret, specifically.

Are there times when you're justified in promising confidentiality in order to get someone to confess something, knowing that you're going to violate the confidentiality? Maybe. The classic ticking bomb situation might do it. But in that case you need them to say something in order to save a life. In this case the OP already had a reasonable suspicion that her step-daughter had had sex. She already had enough information to tell her parents that they should investigate. The only reason to promise confidentiality would be that she wanted her step-daughter to speak openly with her, so she could provide personal support. I don't see any way to justify violating a promise in that situation.

Hindsight is always 20/20. But in retrospect, a better way to handle the situation would have been to tell the parents what you knew before you made the promise: "Your daughter has been reacting oddly to anything involving boys. You might want to talk with her about it, to see if she's had an experience you should know about." You could then honestly tell her that although she may be unhappy with you, you haven't violated your promise to her.

...she may have been wrong to make the promise but her heart was in the right place. As a mother I would have been livid, had I found out years later and would have felt totally disrespected. She is the step-mom and that can be all kinds of different relationships but the parents are obviously engaged with this child.. it would have been so so wrong to keep the secret. I can't imagine what her husband would have thought.... just over the top - completely violating their vows to each other and dissing him as a father.
Now its time for this teen to learn something far more important... forgiveness.
Like I said, this is a life and death issue. A life of an unexpected child to a child and possible death??? or an illness that can scar her ability to have children or kill her... sorry we take sex to lightly in this world, Sex is a big big deal... half of our children are born out of wedlock almost insuring they will be raised in poverty...please don't tell me that it isn't just as important as if she'd confided she was suicidal.... bc it is THAT IMPORTANT!!!

sorry to shout, it one of my errrr (yes thats a growl) topics. seen it too many times, seen the death from AIDS, abortions, disease... just too many of our kids are suffering and our society just says... lets teach them more about sex, sexualizing a whole generation....
God bless, andrea

 

[hedrick]

If you look again, I suggested that she could have done something to alert the parents that didn't violate her promise. If her husband asked for more, she could reasonably say "I'm sorry, but I promised her not to repeat what she said. But you should really talk to her." It seems that that's likely to be sufficient. If she learns later that the daughter blew off her parents, she might be justified in saying more. I'm completely sympathetic with her, and I'm sure her heart was in the right place. We can't expect people to think of the ideal thing, so I am sympathetic. But I would like to see people go a bit further in trying to keep promises like the one she made.

 

[Andrea411]

If you look again, I suggested that she could have done something to alert the parents that didn't violate her promise.

I also suspect her step-daughter would have ended up telling her even without the promise.

But surely we can't expect people to think of the ideal thing, so I am sympathetic.

...and that would just be manipulation better to just be upfront and out with it... honesty is the best policy
God bless, andrea

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I have to ask, did you honestly expect her to not have sex until say age 21 or marriage?

This is a very sad comment on the state of this world. Some people do still take the Bible literally and seek to be obedient to God. I am teaching my kids (1 is 21 and a virgin) to wait for marriage to be obedient to God and avoid problems and hurt.


Yes, hindsight is 20/20. Promises should never have been made. I doubt it was necessary because the girl seemed to be bothered and needed to talk. I am more concerned about how this girl came to have sex because it sounds like it left her with a very negative feeling towards males.

OP, you have already apologized and that needed to be done. I also don't think it would be easy for a girl to have that conversation with her dad. And why does she have to be put in that situation? Given the choice, she probably would've preferred you to tell her parents than to have to say it herself.

So there has been a conversation about birth control, etc. What about her emotional well being? It sounds like she feels dirty. Please help this girl! She may be hoping someone tell her she doesn't have to keep having sex with any future boyfriends. The next time she has sex can still be on her wedding day. Please give her some wise counsel.

 

[JAM2b]

I think I would have brought the concerns to my husband and bio-mom before confronting the daughter. IMO, unless the step-mom is the only mother figure in the picture, this is something that should have been addressed by the father and bio-mother from the beginning. This added step of asking for a confession when you aren't the one who has the position to actually act on it is just adding some drama to an already difficult situation.

 

[Mayzoo]

I am the confidant for my best friend's daughter (16 now, started when she was 13). She has told me many things, some her parents know, some they do not. Her parents know and are thrilled I am acting in this capacity (they divorced right around the time she was 13 and she needed another adult to talk to). I have two rules both my friend knows and her daughter knows.

1. Daughter's rule: I will not keep a secret from her parents if she is in risk of harm, from self or others. But, I will help her ease into telling them something of this nature if she wishes or I will outright tell them for her. She has been into numerous fairly dangerous issues in the past.

2. My friends rule: I will not tell you anything she tells me unless she is in danger of harm, from self or others.

They must both rely on my judgement of what I believe may lead to harm. They both had to agree to these rules prior to my acting as a "blow off valve" aka confidant for her during these difficult times in her life.

******************

You need to profusely and repeatedly apologize, because she otherwise may never trust you to share vital information again....and she needs someone to talk to who is not also 15-16 years old. She trusted you once, she can learn to trust you again. You need to establish some ground rules for future conversations. These ground rules, coupled with the repeated and profuse apology should help to rebuild trust. Without some ground rules, you likely will be caught unprepared again, and run the risk of further damaging her trust.

I told my daughter's friend when I found she had sex (and felt badly about it) that our bad decisions do not make us bad people. We need to learn how to grow from our bad choices so we can make better choices every chance we get. I also gave her a sheet of paper with common pressure quotes, ie: "if you love me.....", (she felt pressured and gave in), and a few good answers to those pressure tactics for the future.