My 14 year old son's internet searches

[skigirl14]

I have always had internet filtering through my router except for the last month I couldn't figure out how to get it to work with my new router. I just got it working a week ago and I turned on the statistics so I can see what sites my kids visit or attempted to visit.

I am absolutely shocked and extremely saddened to find out that my 14 year old boy has searched for gay porn. I was able to see the search terms he used and I couldn't believe that he even knew to search for what he did. This wasn't just a couple of attempts, this was numerous attempts for different kinds of porn. I also found the searches on his computer so I know it was him and not my husband.

I know that sometimes boys just search for shocking things, but this really scares me that my son is confused about his sexuality. I'm so scared for him and I am so depressed because I know that he has lost some of his innocence through this.

I asked him if anyone told him about searching for this and he said that no one did, he's just really depressed and that's why he searched for it. He hasn't been acting depressed, but he does have the diagnosis of Asperger's disorder which affects him greatly. I know that kids with AS become obsessed with certain topics and that's what scares me.

I didn't tell his father (my husband) because I am afraid that he will fly off the handle and push him away further. my plan was to take my son to counseling with a family therapist and then tell my husband. My husband and son already fight enough as it is.

I don't know if my son is just using depression as an excuse because he's embarrassed, but I'm really concerned and don't know what to do. Does this mean he might become gay? Oh Lord I pray for my little boy. He's only 14.

I welcome any advice, suggestions and prayers.

 

[Darkhorse]

I have an Asperger son, and yes, they do get obsessed with topics and follow them to extremes. Does your husband understand about Asperger's? They require lots of patience, and discipline, and affection.

I've sometimes been short on the patience myself...

The therapist sounds like a good idea. He may or may not be confused about his sexuality, but please try to put your anxiety aside and try to be available for your son to answer questions. They spend lots of time trying to make sense of the world.

 

[skigirl14]

Yes my husband understands Aspergers, but he's not as patient as I am. My son is normally obsessed with video games, well he still is. I just can't believe he even thought to look at that stuff. I did notice that one of the pg 13 movies he was watching had a gay guy in it. My son brought up that he was gay several times. My goodness he bought a rose for a girl at school. I pray that this is just a curiosity thing.

 

[Fenny the Fox]

Yes my husband understands Aspergers, but he's not as patient as I am. My son is normally obsessed with video games, well he still is. I just can't believe he even thought to look at that stuff. I did notice that one of the pg 13 movies he was watching had a gay guy in it.

Could be curiosity then. Quite possibly.

My son brought up that he was gay several times.

Just to be clear I know what you mean, does "he" refer to your son said:

That he (your son) was gay?
Or that he (the character in the movie) was gay?

My mind is playing tricks with pronouns. haha

My goodness he bought a rose for a girl at school. I pray that this is just a curiosity thing.

The rose could mean he is interested in girls. Or mean something entirely different. Only time, and patience, will tell. In the meantime, I just suggest you keep praying and be loving no matter what the outcome.

God bless you and your struggles.

 

[Darkhorse]

Well, I can't be sure of course, but he may simply be curious about what "being gay" entails. I certainly didn't know at his age, and I was a pretty savvy kid, but it was a different world then.

As I'm sure you know, Asperger kids don't pick up many of the social clues and implications that most people do, and instead they learn a great deal from books, internet sources, and people they can trust who will explain things patiently. I homeschooled my kids (one with Asperger's, one with high-functioning autism), and still am, including very detailed sex education and social-interaction skills. I really couldn't wait for them to ask questions, because they didn't. They now come and ask me moral and legal questions that are confusing to them, which I'm more than happy to answer.

I have had some orientation concerns with my Asperger's son too, but he went on a youth retreat with our minister, and the minister told us he sat next to every cute girl he could, so...we hope for the best!

Since you're new here, you probably can't use Private Messages (PMs) yet, but when you can, I'm glad to discuss details that way if you would prefer...

And I've got you all on my prayer list!

 

[skigirl14]

Fenny- He was referring to the boy in the movie.
Thank you for your thoughtful response.

Darkhorse- I homeschool my son too. Its a struggle but I believe that it is worth it. He was in public school up until I pulled him out a couple of weeks ago. the school just wasn't working with him and his challenges.

 

[ALEA40]

Skigirl14 - I'm so sorry you are going through this! I've thought about your post for a couple days now. I also have a son on the autism spectrum. He's 10 now, but I'm preparing for these types of issues in the future. We have really tight controls on our internet but things can happen just like you mentioned. I wanted to tell you that I had read an article about a 12 yo boy (in Britain- not here) who is listed as a sex-offender for the rest of his life because of a web site he visited. Because my son is very concerned with the law/legal issues/following rules as many kids on the spectrum are, I thought it was really important to let him know that some websites are set up as sting operations. Because kids often gravitate towards other kids, they are vulnerable to these sites. Just a thought, if you have a rule-follower, it might be enough to discourage him by saying some of these sites are illegal to visit and that he can be prosecuted for it. Pornography can be very addictive and damaging to young minds. Anything you can do to discourage additional seeking behaviors might be helpful in the long run. I also recommend a Christian counselor for your son to help him process the pictures that he has now been exposed to. Teens do really well with talk therapy and he probably needs a safe place to talk about what happened and how he can make better choices in the future. They can't always talk to a parent about these things.

Regarding sexual orientation, when my son was young, about every 6 months (starting at 2.5 yrs) my son would want to be a girl. From trying to pull off his genitals, to making girl potions and asking Santa for princess outfits. We never made a big deal out of any of it, but I have read that it can be early signs of sexual orientation issues. My background is in environmental science and I know that some areas have some serious issues with enviromental estrogens and estrogen disruptors (from fertilizers, pesticides, chemicals, medications, etc). Medications that are excreted in urine are not removed in the waste water treatment process. Depending on where you live, they just continue on downstream to the next water supply inlet pipe. Also, most of our body products contain endocrine disruptors. Scientists have found that sperm counts in men are drastically declining in some areas. I guess only God knows the full story. Sending you prayers and hugs!!!

 

[skigirl14]

KEA-

Thank you for your thoughtful response. The idea of prosecution for visiting a certain site is scary! I will bring this up with him. I agree with how our water supply and food supply are messing with kids systems. I live in Utah and we have a lot of pollution in the city and a lot of minerals in our water. We also have the highest autism rate in the country!

You have given me a lot to think about.

Thank you!

 

[hedrick]

If you're going to threaten him (which I don't really recommend) at least make sure you're getting it right. Otherwise you can lose credibility fast. As far as I know, the only sites that are illegal to visit are child porn. General gay porn is not illegal.

Of course if the underlying issue is something else, e.g. depression, you'd probably be better to concentrate on that.

 

[skigirl14]

I'm definitely not threatening him in any way. I don't know exactly what sites he visited so warning him about illegality is warranted.

 

[Cute Tink]

To the OP: I just want to say at 14, your son is probably very hormonally driven and honestly just curious. I commend you for being involved with your children and keeping an eye on their internet usage.

I would suggest that it is very good idea that you remain so involved and keep an open dialogue with your children about these issues. The internet is full of a lot of things that children should not be looking at.

That being said, from your description that your child has looked for "numerous attempts for different kinds of porn". That sounds more like teenage curiosity than anything. I think you may have seen one kind of search and fixated because you are worried that he might "become" gay. Unless all he was searching for was gay porn, then he is probably just looking things up because he can.

I do agree that having a conversation with your son about the potential for illegal things on the internet so that he is aware that there are some things that could get him in trouble. Perhaps consider moving his computer to a more public place as an option to keep him away from less savory websites.

Regarding sexual orientation, when my son was young, about every 6 months (starting at 2.5 yrs) my son would want to be a girl. From trying to pull off his genitals, to making girl potions and asking Santa for princess outfits. We never made a big deal out of any of it, but I have read that it can be early signs of sexual orientation issues.

I just grabbed this snippet because I wanted to make a quick point. Gender identity and sexual orientation are two different things. Having a male child say he wants to be a girl does not mean your child is gay. Treating them as the same thing is not beneficial for the child.

 

[ALEA40]

I just grabbed this snippet because I wanted to make a quick point. Gender identity and sexual orientation are two different things. Having a male child say he wants to be a girl does not mean your child is gay. Treating them as the same thing is not beneficial for the child.

There actually is a link between the two. I came across a number of references when I researched gender identity issues five years ago. This is probably one of the studies I reviewed: Psychosexual outcome of g... [J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry. 2008] - PubMed - NCBI

Their conclusion of this study is that "Most children with gender dysphoria will not remain gender dysphoric after puberty. Children with persistent GID are characterized by more extreme gender dysphoria in childhood than children with desisting gender dysphoria. With regard to sexual orientation, the most likely outcome of childhood GID is homosexuality or bisexuality."

I just take each day as it comes and trust in the Lord

 

[Cute Tink]

There actually is a link between the two. I came across a number of references when I researched gender identity issues five years ago. This is probably one of the studies I reviewed: Psychosexual outcome of g... [J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry. 2008] - PubMed - NCBI

Their conclusion of this study is that "Most children with gender dysphoria will not remain gender dysphoric after puberty. Children with persistent GID are characterized by more extreme gender dysphoria in childhood than children with desisting gender dysphoria. With regard to sexual orientation, the most likely outcome of childhood GID is homosexuality or bisexuality."

I just take each day as it comes and trust in the Lord

I will review your study later, when I have more time to read it, but from my own experience and with talking to other trans people, our orientations have little to nothing to do with the fact that we are trans.

Then again, perhaps it is a matter of perspective. A male-to-female trans person who likes women would view herself as a lesbian, while those who don't agree with the transgender situation would view "him" as straight and one who likes men would view herself as straight and the other group would view her as a gay man.

All that being said, there are many trans people who are bi and many who are not. Like any statistic, it may work for the group but not for the individual.

 

[ALEA40]

If you're going to threaten him (which I don't really recommend) at least make sure you're getting it right. Otherwise you can lose credibility fast. As far as I know, the only sites that are illegal to visit are child porn. General gay porn is not illegal.

Of course if the underlying issue is something else, e.g. depression, you'd probably be better to concentrate on that.

What can happen though is that kids may be attracted to kids their own age. If a child is 14, they might start looking at people in their own age group. They can start clicking links at random too, not knowing where it will take them. When I told my son, we talked about it in a very nonthreatening way. It was more just a matter of fact.

IMO children and teenagers should be made aware of the potential consequences of their internet searches. I also have concerns about when my son is over at a friends house and I don't know what kind of controls the parents have. It's kind of a weird question to ask the parents but maybe I need to get comfortable with the idea of asking. I want my son to know that there are consequences anywhere he goes on the internet and that these kinds of sites are completely off limits.

It is so hard to raise kids these days When we were growing up the worst you could come across was a stack of old dusty playboy magazines.

 

[skigirl14]

Actually everything he searched for was gay porn. I meant all kinds within the gay category I guess.

 

[Cute Tink]

Actually everything he searched for was gay porn. I meant all kinds within the gay category I guess.

Thanks for clarifying.

Did you ask if this is the only porn he has searched for? It could be curiosity still. You did say you just recently got the URL tracker working again.

At any rate, counseling is probably your best option at this point.

I would have more to say, but I don't know if you would agree with it and I'm sure it is against terms of use.

 

[StephanieSomer]

...from my own experience and with talking to other trans people, our orientations have little to nothing to do with the fact that we are trans.

Agreed! and, I usually look at someone as though they just sprouted another head when they respond to gender identity issues with statements that very obviously declare they do not understand the difference between sexuality and identity, and insist on equating the two at every turn. However, I would point out that many trans people I am acquainted with began their search for understanding their internal disarray by assuming they might be gay. They very quickly found they did NOT fit in with gay folk. I've never felt any kinship to gay people, even though it seems common for most people to assume I do when they learn of my circumstances.

 

[Inkachu]

I have always had internet filtering through my router except for the last month I couldn't figure out how to get it to work with my new router. I just got it working a week ago and I turned on the statistics so I can see what sites my kids visit or attempted to visit.

I am absolutely shocked and extremely saddened to find out that my 14 year old boy has searched for gay porn. I was able to see the search terms he used and I couldn't believe that he even knew to search for what he did. This wasn't just a couple of attempts, this was numerous attempts for different kinds of porn. I also found the searches on his computer so I know it was him and not my husband.

I know that sometimes boys just search for shocking things, but this really scares me that my son is confused about his sexuality. I'm so scared for him and I am so depressed because I know that he has lost some of his innocence through this.

I asked him if anyone told him about searching for this and he said that no one did, he's just really depressed and that's why he searched for it. He hasn't been acting depressed, but he does have the diagnosis of Asperger's disorder which affects him greatly. I know that kids with AS become obsessed with certain topics and that's what scares me.

I didn't tell his father (my husband) because I am afraid that he will fly off the handle and push him away further. my plan was to take my son to counseling with a family therapist and then tell my husband. My husband and son already fight enough as it is.

I don't know if my son is just using depression as an excuse because he's embarrassed, but I'm really concerned and don't know what to do. Does this mean he might become gay? Oh Lord I pray for my little boy. He's only 14.

I welcome any advice, suggestions and prayers.

Don't start throwing the term "gay" around. He's a child. He's still going through puberty. His identity as a grown man is still a far cry from being fully developed.

Did you ask him where he learned about homosexuality and porn? That would've been my first question. Does he have any questionable friends? Someone taught him how to do this, kids aren't born knowing what gay porn is or how to find it online.

You need to keep him off the computer OR get some very restrictive software that will only allow him to visit certain website and will restrict things like instant messages and sending/receiving photos and attachment. Until you figure out what you're going to do, he needs to be off the computer, period. That includes his cell phone, if he has one, and any tablets or other gadgets with internet access.

If he's willing to sit down and be open with you about this, I would try to deal with it at home first. If he seems reluctant to share (which is totally understandable, what an awkward thing to be confronted with), then I would bring in an outside person like a counselor. You need to know why he did this, where he was first exposed to this stuff, and whether he was just curious or whether there are deeper issues.

My brother was molested by an older teen boy around the same age as your son. I remember he became briefly curious about gay porn, I found him once writing a story involving a man abusing a young boy, he laughed it off, but obviously this was a huge warning sign.

This is a very precarious age for boys. This is an age that a lot of predators find very appealing; boys who are young and innocent, but physically sexually maturing. Please, please, please, be hyper-vigilant about where he goes and who he's with. Ask questions. Make surprise phone calls. Follow your instincts!! If it doesn't feel right, DON'T let him do it.

Lastly, make sure that he knows he can come to you with ANYTHING. If - God forbid - he was exposed to something indecent by an older boy or a grown man, it is absolutely crucial that he feel safe and secure in telling you about it.

 

[Inkachu]

I just grabbed this snippet because I wanted to make a quick point. Gender identity and sexual orientation are two different things. Having a male child say he wants to be a girl does not mean your child is gay. Treating them as the same thing is not beneficial for the child.

This is a very important point! I've been a tomboy my whole life. I've never been "girly". I had many times as a kid and teen where I felt like I was more of a boy than a girl. I was horrified when my body started developing during puberty, I hated it. I still feel more comfortable around men than around women, but it's not because I'm gay, it's just because I have more of a "male" personality in a lot of ways. I turned out just fine, I've never been attracted to women at all, I'm married and have a child. Be patient... don't make drama where there is none