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Mutual Interests

2lplvr

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My dh and I have been married for 10 years and periodically go through the "we have nothing in common phase". Recently it has become painfully difficult :sigh: He enjoys composing music using a computer program. Enjoys is probably a understatement. Much of his free time is spent working on his music. I am not impressed with his music. I am slightly annoyed when he insists on working on it (in the family room) while I'm watching my favorite television show (once a week). I find it more than a little selfish that he wants the children to be silent while he's working on his music. I don't encourage him in this endeavor because I just don't see the point, neither do I discourage it because it seems to bring him joy. My point is that it is really causing division. There are no subtle ways to say, "Get a new hobby!" :help:
 

Busybee

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Sounds like it's definitely time for you two to sit down and have a talk. Sometimes people get so caught up in the things they are doing for themselves, that they forget how that affects those around them. Just let him know how you feel when you aren't able to fully enjoy your show once a week. It's truly not asking alot of him to give you that time. Just sit down with love, patience, and prayer when you decide to discuss it with him.

I hope it gets better. I rarely ever watch tv and my husband has the habit of sometimes just turning the tv whenever he's ready to watch something, without asking. I just recently pointed out, "you turned the tv without asking me". Honestly, I don't think the man had given thought to it. He had his mind on one track when he did it, but now he doesn't do it.
 
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heartnsoul

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I feel your pain. I have been married for over 10 years and marriage is hard. I think it's fair for a compromise. Maybe you can suggest that he pick another day to work on his music while you watch your favorite t.v. show that day. I personally think that marriage is a "give and take." I don't believe in the "all or nothing" mentality. By nature, all of us are unique individuals. We each have our own strengths, weaknesses and different interests/hobbies. I don't think it would be fair to ask your husband to give up his hobby...nor would it be fair for him to ask you to not watch your favorite t.v. show.

My husband is an avid NASCAR car racing fan. He loves to watch races. I've learned to watch with him and I now understand his passion for NASCAR. I even started to cheer for a few drivers so I can have more interest in seeing who wins. Maybe you can learn why your husband is so passionate about music. If not, then maybe you can discover your own hobby (sport leagues--bowling, golf, women's clubs, knitting class, other educational classes, etc). With all this said, I do believe that there definitely should be some *quality* time for just you & your husband together. I don't have children, so I can't really give creative ideas on that one...but I have heard it said that if you can find a babysitter once a week, you and your husband can go out together and have that quality time that is so much needed to keep the sanity and marriage together. We all need a mental *health* break from the routines and ruts of our lives. A vacation may help too.

I will keep you in prayers. May God bless you and your family. :pray:
 
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Yitzchak

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I will pray for you. The ideal would be for the two of you to develop interests together that you can do mutually. But outside of that happening, there will always be some tension when one of you wants one thing and the other wants something else.
One suggestion. The carrot works better than the stick with most people. Meaning, offering some reward or motivation for him to change works better than bullying him or pressuring him. But in the end, only he can decide for him.
 
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Southern Cross

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I have to chime in. I wouldn't try to change a thing in him. Compromise may work much, much better in this situation.

Some people have a strong creative spirit. Some never know about it until something captures their interest and things just sort of "click". For me, it was creative writing and photography. Photography is now my career, until God leads me to do something else. I'll tell you right up front that my wife really criticized me about my photography, and it was because she was angry about how much time and effort I poured into it when I was learning the craft. Looking back, YES, I absolutely did spend too much time with it at times, for sure. But when she criticized all of it, it really hurt me very deeply. When I gave up photography for a time to pour myself into my corporate career, I died inside because I had no creative outlet. And then problems were compounded.

I really identify with the the problem you are facing. If he's really into the music, please, please do NOT tell him you think he stinks at it. Try to compromise - get him to move the computer to another room, or if you can afford it, buy him his own computer. Get him to agree to limit his time and expenses with this hobby by giving him a "bank" of hours to use each week. If he gets an hour a day on weekays (5 hours a week) and he gets really creative one night and needs three hours, let him have it. Then he only has two hours left for the remainder of the week. 5-7 hours per week is a really good start.

If you love this guy, show it by supporting him. Perhaps buy him a gift certificate to attend a workshop, or a new software program. Believe me, if you do this and he knows you don't exactly like his style of music, he'll think the world of you - because he knows you did it out of love, even if you have to wear earplugs. Walking up behind him, putting your hands on his shoulders and whispering into his ear, "Now that sounds nice - good work,honey" would probably blow his mind.

My wife loves to make baby blankets and throws. I personally hated the idea. I thought it was the biggest waste of time. We still have bolts of cloth in our closets! But I thought back to how things went with my photography "addiction", and went out and bought her a really cool sewing machine and some books and a ton of supplies for Chistmas last year (had absolutely no idea what I was supposed to buy). I really see the joy she gets when she turns out a beautiful blanket. And they make nice gifts.

I will warn you that if he really likes this music thing and you make any attempt to kill it, he will either sink deeper into it as an escape or become very bitter.

Also, if he does have a creative edge, he may find that the music route is not satisfying him, and move onto something else. Just remember that pursuing creative interests in moderation (unless it's a career thing) is like feeding the soul for some people. Creative types like variety.

Finally, I hang out with creative professionals (photography, art) and hobbyists. And I find some of them use it as a temporary escape from their normal daily lives and responsibilities. If you establish boundaries in advance, and let him have free reign within those boundaries, tensions should be eased a good bit for both of you.
 
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2lplvr

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Thank you all for the prayers. My biggest concern is the fact that we spend so little time together. I like to read and crochet and other than music he likes movies.

I have purposely tried to be "sensitive" when he asks my opinion. He understands that what he creates is not particularly "my tastes" and respects that. He does need this creative outlet (very stressful work/financial situation) but our marriage needs some boundaries.

All of your input has been very helpful, just gotta put it into action.

Blessings to you!
 
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2lplvr

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Southern Cross said:
I'm sorry, that last post was like a chapter in a book. Probably could have said all of it in three sentences. I was all over the board on that one!
Not at all! You made lots of valid points and I needed to hear "don't tell him I think he's bad", because he really is able to do incredible things but I "could" in a moment of, shall we say intense feelings, say something along those lines just to be hurtful. It was all good :thumbsup:
 
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bliz

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Would it help if he composed his music elsewhere? - someplace else in the house? That way it would not require the kids to be quiet or make it difficult for you to enjoy a TV show. This still leaves other issues to be settlesd, but that alone might take some of the stress out of things if he weren't doing his thing in the middle of family life.
 
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fruitrach

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Thanks for this thread - its been really helpful to me, particularly what Southern Cross said.

We've been having these same discussions and our current solution that we're going to try is looking for something that we can do together. It has to be something that we both want to do, and something that is new to both of us - we're looking at evening courses and stuff. If one doesn't work, well, it was an experience and we'll sign up for something else next term! This way, we develop something new in common, we get time together and neither of us has to give up our other hobbies, any more than to make a little time for the new.
 
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selune

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How about keeping him in the room (a presence is nice even if you're doing other things) and buy him a great set of headphones to use? That way the kids won't interrupt him while playing and he won't interrupt the tv show. Adding something that interests you both would be great, but don't take away a stress outlet, especially one that is not inherently harmful. There are so many threads here dealing with hurtful behaviors (porn, gambling, drinking) that are outlets for people because they don't know how else to wind down. Prayers for you and him and your kids.
 
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brokenbananas

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Do you guys date each other on a regular basis?

Marriage is just hard work. You have to constantly work at a good marriage.

Both my husband and I have some pretty diverse interests. Some we share, others we don't. We don't discourage the ones we don't, but we both are mindful of how much time we spend at those separate interests. Sometimes you need to reign this in if it gets out of control. Each person needs to be respectful.

We make it a point each day to spend time talking to each other, despite our busy schedules. We set aside everything else just to talk. Then, we are going to start dating each other weekly, just the 2 of us with no kids or other people. We currently go out on dates twice a month, but I've found that it's not enough for me.

This is something you both have to work out and figure out what's best for the both of you. My dh and I have been married for 4.5 yrs. We found dating with 1 child easy, but with 2, it's been the opposite. His argument against dating weekly that it's too stressful and costly. I said the end cost is much worse and that we put so much time and effort into other things that this is our marriage. He saw the point quickly. I asked him to give it a try and we'll adjust where needed. He agreed. This also goes similarly with sex. We don't have sex often these days because mainly the kids and our schedules. We can't give up the kids, so now, we need to plan our sex times.

Things just don't "happen". It takes work, communication, selflessness, and lots of prayer.
 
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2lplvr

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We go through cycles of regular couple time and then life happens. His work and our finances have just become the major focus of our life. :sigh:
We talk, we compromise, we plan, we occasionally follow through and then we return to a rut.
I've noticed just recently how selfish we can both be with our time so that seems to be another area we need to work on.
 
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