MUSIC JOKES
Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
A: An accordion player with a pager.
Q: What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
Q: What do accordion players use as a contraceptive?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the range of an accordion?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
Q: What's a gentleman?
A: Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.
Q: What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?
A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.
Q: What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathisers.
Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.
Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a concertina?
A: The accordion takes longer to burn.
Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument?
A: Hide it in an accordion case.
Q: What's an accordion good for?
A: Learning how to fold a map.
Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?
A: A chainsaw can be tuned.
Q: Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?
A: Because he's Haydn!
Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket?
A: A Chopin Liszt.
Vocal jokes
Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?
A: When the other tenors notice.
Ever hear the one about the tenor who was so off-key that even the other tenors could tell?
Q: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to do it, and five to say, "It's too high for him."
Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?
A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.
Q: Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons?
A: I don't want the neighbours to think I'm employing corporal punishment, dear.
Q: How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They can't get up that high.
Piano jokes Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.
Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
A: A flat major.
Q: What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller?
A: Be flat, major.
Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
A: See flat major.
Q: What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?
A: C sharp or B flat.
Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?
A: A sharp major.
Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!
Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.
Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.
Bagpipe jokes Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.
Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.
Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock
Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.
Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A bagpiper.
Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.
Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.
Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.
Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.
Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
A: An accordion player with a pager.
Q: What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
Q: What do accordion players use as a contraceptive?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the range of an accordion?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
Q: What's a gentleman?
A: Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.
Q: What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?
A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.
Q: What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathisers.
Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.
Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a concertina?
A: The accordion takes longer to burn.
Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument?
A: Hide it in an accordion case.
Q: What's an accordion good for?
A: Learning how to fold a map.
Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?
A: A chainsaw can be tuned.
Q: Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?
A: Because he's Haydn!
Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket?
A: A Chopin Liszt.
Vocal jokes
Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?
A: When the other tenors notice.
Ever hear the one about the tenor who was so off-key that even the other tenors could tell?
Q: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to do it, and five to say, "It's too high for him."
Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?
A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.
Q: Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons?
A: I don't want the neighbours to think I'm employing corporal punishment, dear.
Q: How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They can't get up that high.
Piano jokes Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.
Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
A: A flat major.
Q: What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller?
A: Be flat, major.
Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
A: See flat major.
Q: What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?
A: C sharp or B flat.
Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?
A: A sharp major.
Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!
Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.
Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.
Bagpipe jokes Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.
Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.
Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock
Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.
Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A bagpiper.
Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.
Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.
Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.
Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.
Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.
I have a whole collection of jokes... I'm sorting through to find the clean ones to share
