Mother In Law

[DZoolander]

Sooo - we had our baby the other week - and my mother in law is over at the house helping out.

Don't get me wrong - I'm TOTALLY appreciative of that. At the same time, however, it's getting under my skin a little bit how much she's trying to help.

...and by "help" I mean doing most of the work with the baby.

It's like...before I have a chance to even pick the little guy up - she's got him and is changing him, bathing him, doing all the other little things with him.

My wife says I should be grateful for the time to myself and that I have more than enough time coming up...so take the assistance now when I can. But - it's still buggin' me a little bit.

 

[mkgal1]

Well.....this may not be of help to you.....but I'm of the opinion that this time ought to be about the mother and father bonding with their new baby (and the sibling(s) bonding as well---and not feeling left out).

I always thought that mothers came to help with the *other* things so that could be the focus.

 

[DZoolander]

That's what I thought, too. lol

 

[Odetta]

Maybe next time she does something with the baby, you can tell her you want to do that. Want, not can. Emphasize the want. Even say how you want to enjoy this part yourself. Because that is why she's doing all of it - because she enjoys doing it for her new grand baby, whom she won't see when she goes home. So she's getting it all in now while she can.

 

[Shane R]

I appreciate your perspective. My wife and I are expecting and we have been speaking about the potential involvement of my family. She is an assertive woman, but our child will be the first grandchild/great-grandchild and certainly prone to spoiling. It remains to be seen how things will develop.

 

[Angeldove97]

On the bright side, you could watch what she's doing with the baby and learn some new strategies on how to take care of a little one from someone who has experience (I'm assuming this is your first??).

My Mom lives an hour away, so I'm assuming she'll be up to help whenever our first one comes along. My MIL lives 13 hours away, so any time she can spend with her grandchild will be awesome

 

[DZoolander]

Actually second child - lol - so not really sure how I'd parlay that one without making it appear like I gleamed nothing from the first

 

[JCLover779]

Well.....this may not be of help to you.....but I'm of the opinion that this time ought to be about the mother and father bonding with their new baby (and the sibling(s) bonding as well---and not feeling left out).

I always thought that mothers came to help with the *other* things so that could be the focus.

Well said.

I do think she is letting her wants trump yours.

 

[JCLover779]

Maybe next time she does something with the baby, you can tell her you want to do that. Want, not can. Emphasize the want. Even say how you want to enjoy this part yourself. Because that is why she's doing all of it - because she enjoys doing it for her new grand baby, whom she won't see when she goes home. So she's getting it all in now while she can.

Good advice.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Congratulations on the birth of your precious baby.

I think Odetta gave good advice. MIL knows you CAN. She may not know you WANT to. But she definitely does want to. I understand why it gets under your skin, though, especially if she does it in some subtle way that makes it look like you're incapable.

 

[DZoolander]

In fairness - I think it's more innocent than that. She's pretty old school - and her experience raising children was that the father (my wife's dad) was pretty disinterested in those types of things. He often brags that he's never changed a diaper - and never will. lol

I guess it's just generational differences. The tone isn't so much that I'm incapable - but rather it's more of that it's an exclusive thing to be handled between my wife and her and kinda assumed that I'm disinterested (not even asked or given the opportunity - given how quickly they jump on the kid.)

I'm left kinda sitting there thinking "Wow - do I really need to say 'what about me?' in my own home?"

 

[JCLover779]

OK, then, Yes, you do need to say that. lol

 

[akmom]

That initial bonding time is so important. I'm sorry to hear you are feeling robbed of it. At the same time, newborns are a 24-hour job. Are you really not getting *any* baby time? Babies produce plenty of diapers, don't care how many baths they get, are huggable 24 hours a day. Just dive in there and do it! Give him a second bath, graciously reach out for him when he's in someone else's arms, change his outfit... enjoy him! Maybe they'll back off if they see you are quite interested in your baby's care.

 

[Inkachu]

If you and your wife are totally capable of handling the baby yourselves, why was Mom even invited to "help"?

Obviously, what's done is done, but that may have not been the best decision in hindsight lol.

I don't know many grandmothers who wouldn't giddily swoop in and just "eat that baby up!" with love and attention. Dude, that's what grandmas DO. She's probably in heaven right now. And probably completely oblivious to the fact that she's doing more than the baby's own parents lol. Or she may think she's doing you a big favor by taking all those duties off your hands, so you can care for your wife (to be fair, she DID have surgery).

Are you afraid to just step in and say "Hey Mom, I'd like to do that, how about if I take over?"

Have you tried it? If so, what has the response been?

 

[Inkachu]

I guess it's just generational differences. The tone isn't so much that I'm incapable - but rather it's more of that it's an exclusive thing to be handled between my wife and her and kinda assumed that I'm disinterested (not even asked or given the opportunity - given how quickly they jump on the kid.)

It's not generational, IMO. At least not exclusively. The bond between a mother (or grandmother) and newborn is almost incomprehensible to anyone who hasn't had a child. You eat, breathe, and sleep that baby, 24/7. Men can be wonderful, nurturing caretakers, but I don't think it comes as naturally or instantly as it often does with women. They're the ones who felt that child growing and developing inside their very own body, they're the ones who went through the struggles of delivery, they're the ones whose bodies are created to produce and support that tiny little life. That's not knocking a father's role (at all!), but when a baby is a brand spankin' new newborn... every ounce of a woman's being is on high alert and ready to jump in to attend to every need.

You have every right to want to be more involved, though! Having ONE mother on the scene is enough, having TWO of them means that you're going to have to speak up loud and clear if you want some baby time Don't hesitate, that's YOUR son! Be kind, be gentle, assert your requests with the appreciation of the loving, unconditional devotion that grandma is showing for her grandson. "Mom, you are doing so much for us, and we're so appreciative, but I think I'd like a little time with him now."

 

[DZoolander]

It's not generational, IMO. At least not exclusively. The bond between a mother (or grandmother) and newborn is almost incomprehensible to anyone who hasn't had a child. You eat, breathe, and sleep that baby, 24/7. Men can be wonderful, nurturing caretakers, but I don't think it comes as naturally or instantly as it often does with women. They're the ones who felt that child growing and developing inside their very own body, they're the ones who went through the struggles of delivery, they're the ones whose bodies are created to produce and support that tiny little life. That's not knocking a father's role (at all!), but when a baby is a brand spankin' new newborn... every ounce of a woman's being is on high alert and ready to jump in to attend to every need.

You have every right to want to be more involved, though! Having ONE mother on the scene is enough, having TWO of them means that you're going to have to speak up loud and clear if you want some baby time Don't hesitate, that's YOUR son! Be kind, be gentle, assert your requests with the appreciation of the loving, unconditional devotion that grandma is showing for her grandson. "Mom, you are doing so much for us, and we're so appreciative, but I think I'd like a little time with him now."

I can see what you're saying.

I think it's interesting to see the kinds of things that motivate my wife right now and the decisions she makes as a result of those things.

For instance - our daughter never took to breast feeding. At the hospital, after her birth, she was immediately given a bottle with formula in it. I guess she really dug how the food just flew into her mouth with no effort - so she flat out rejected the boob. I don't mean that she just showed a disinterest in it or that it was a secondary preference. I mean...flat out rejected it and would go into hysterical crying fits if the boob came anywhere near her.

I think that really hurt my wife's feelings in a way.

This one has taken to the boob like a champ, though, and I think my wife is basking in the fact she can nurse...but sometimes to the point where I think it's a bad decision...lol Like last night she was dog tired, the baby cried, she tried to nurse him while laying in bed, he didn't really understand the position, so he lost his cool. One thing beget another - and they were up for like 2 hours with the baby being really cranky.

I made the offer of "Just go to bed - I'll get some formula and bottle feed him. One night ain't going to sidetrack you." - but she would have no part of that.

Personally, I'd have lept at that offer. lol

 

[Inkachu]

I can see what you're saying.

I think it's interesting to see the kinds of things that motivate my wife right now and the decisions she makes as a result of those things.

For instance - our daughter never took to breast feeding. At the hospital, after her birth, she was immediately given a bottle with formula in it. I guess she really dug how the food just flew into her mouth with no effort - so she flat out rejected the boob. I don't mean that she just showed a disinterest in it or that it was a secondary preference. I mean...flat out rejected it and would go into hysterical crying fits if the boob came anywhere near her.

I think that really hurt my wife's feelings in a way.

This one has taken to the boob like a champ, though, and I think my wife is basking in the fact she can nurse...but sometimes to the point where I think it's a bad decision...lol Like last night she was dog tired, the baby cried, she tried to nurse him while laying in bed, he didn't really understand the position, so he lost his cool. One thing beget another - and they were up for like 2 hours with the baby being really cranky.

I made the offer of "Just go to bed - I'll get some formula and bottle feed him. One night ain't going to sidetrack you." - but she would have no part of that.

Personally, I'd have lept at that offer. lol

I have to side with your wife on that one! A newborn who gets that bottle experience and quickly drifts off to sleep will only lead to the temptation to do it again the next time everyone is tired, hungry, and cranky. As one expert puts it "supplementing with formula is often the beginning of the end for breastfeeding".

As long as he's gaining weight properly and is healthy, he's getting enough

I think it's wonderful that your wife is getting to enjoy the intimacy and the beautiful bond of feeding her child from her own body. What an awesome thing that God created!

 

[DZoolander]

Agreed

 

[SiyoNqoba]

This one has taken to the boob like a champ, though, and I think my wife is basking in the fact she can nurse...but sometimes to the point where I think it's a bad decision...lol Like last night she was dog tired, the baby cried, she tried to nurse him while laying in bed, he didn't really understand the position, so he lost his cool. One thing beget another - and they were up for like 2 hours with the baby being really cranky.

I made the offer of "Just go to bed - I'll get some formula and bottle feed him. One night ain't going to sidetrack you." - but she would have no part of that.

Personally, I'd have lept at that offer. lol

If she wants to breastfeed, the best thing you can do is just support that. I know that's hard when you see your baby hungry and your wife stressed, but breastfeeding works on a supply and demand system - if you start to supplement with formula she will start to lose her supply. At 6 weeks it really does magically start getting easier, so keep encouraging her to hang in there.

With regards to your mother-in-law, I agree with the others that you should just politely take him out of her arms, saying "My turn now." Let her know you want to be a part of his life. Most women I know melt when a daddy wants to hold his tiny baby, so she probably wont mind at all