Again, we sure hope that United Methodist folks do not take these YMBUMI's seriously and be offended. They are intended to be in good fun and to poke fun at things some folks say about us; however, most often we say about ourselves.
http://www.jimlane.org/redneck.htm
YOU MIGHT BE A UNITED METHODIST IF......
. . .you don't take Rolaids when your heart is strangely warmed.
. . .you know that a circuit rider is not an electrical device.
. . ."The Upper Room" is an essential to your bathroom as the toilet paper.
. . .you felt that the NCAA penalties against SMU football were too harsh.
. . .you've ever owned a pair of cross and flame boxer shorts.
. . .you sit while singing "Stand up, stand up for Jesus".
. . .you've ever sung a gender-inclusive hymn.
. . .tithing is encouraged but widely ignored.
. . .half the people sitting in your pew lip-sync the words to the hymns.
. . .the word apportionment sends a chill down your spine.
. . .you realize pluralism isn't a communicable disease.
. . .your pastor has a hyphenated last name.
. . .names like Aldersgate, Asbury, and Epworth are vaguely familiar.
. . .you consider the monthly potluck a sacrament.
. . .the only church camp song you know by heart is "Kum ba yah".
. . .you've ever attended an Annual Conference and actually enjoyed it.
. . .you have an unexplained yearning to visit Wesley's Chapel in London.
. . .your church is named for a geographical location rather than for a saint.
. . .you've never heard a sermon on Hell and don't feel you're missing out.
. . .your pastor moves every four or five years and you like it that way.
. . .your pastor responds to you with, "I hear you saying.....".
. . .there's at least one person in every church meeting who say, "But we've never done it that way before".
. . .your congregation's Christmas pageant includes both boy and girl wise men.
. . .you accept the fact that the hymn "O, for a thousand tongues to sing" has almost as many stanzas as tongues.
. . .you know that the Wesleyan Quadrilateral isn't a trick football play involving four lateral passes.
. . .you realize that the Book of Discipline is not a guide to getting your child to behave.
. . .you understand that an "appointment" has nothing to do with keeping a lunch date.
. . .you think "UMW" stands for United Methodist Women rather than the United MinecWorkers.
. . .you know the difference between a "diagonal" minister and a "Diaconal" minister.
. . ."Good morning" has the status of a liturgical greeting in the worship service.
. . .you feel a twinge of guilt when you sing "Onward Christian Soldiers" with gusto.
. . .you say "trespasses" instead of "debts" in the Lord's Prayer and have no idea why.
. . .your annual conference spends most of its time debating resolutions that nobody reads.
. . .you'd rather be branded with a hot iron than serve on the Nominating Committee (or PPR, Trustees, Finance, etc.)
. . .the members of the Friendship class are always fighting among themselves.
. . .you realize that sprinkling, pouring an immersing are not ways of seasoning food.
. . .you're asked to donate money to a "special offering" every other Sunday.
. . .you pore over the Conference Journal with the same intensity you would read a John Grisham novel.
. . .you have to fight through a cadre of "designated greeters" to get into the sanctuary. . . .when the worship service lasts for more than one hour, the beeping of watch alarms drowns out the final hymn.
And now for a whole new category - - "How many UM's does it take to change a light bulb?:
Q: How many Bishops does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None....they bask in their own glow!
Q: How many DS's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twelve and the Bishop. Since every light bulb is guaranteed a socket.
Q: How many DS's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny! Q: How many UM's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change? Change! - - what's that?!
Ecumenical "You might be's. . . .
You Might be a Southern Baptist...
. . .if you think God's presence is always strongest in the back three pews.
. . .if you think John the Baptist founded the Southern Baptist Convention.
. . .if you think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem.
. . .if the first complete sentence you uttered was "We've never done it this way before."
. . .if you judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher.
. . .if your definition of "fellowship" has something to do with food.
. . .if you ever wonder when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong will be paid off.
. . .if you honestly believe the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.
. . .if you think worship service music has to be loud.
. . .if you think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.
. . .if you think preachers who wear robes are in cahoots with the communists. . . .if you judge the quality of a service by the length of the service. . . .And finally, if you ever wake up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and interpret that feeling as a call to preach, you might be a Southern Baptist.
http://www.jimlane.org/redneck.htm
YOU MIGHT BE A UNITED METHODIST IF......
. . .you don't take Rolaids when your heart is strangely warmed.
. . .you know that a circuit rider is not an electrical device.
. . ."The Upper Room" is an essential to your bathroom as the toilet paper.
. . .you felt that the NCAA penalties against SMU football were too harsh.
. . .you've ever owned a pair of cross and flame boxer shorts.
. . .you sit while singing "Stand up, stand up for Jesus".
. . .you've ever sung a gender-inclusive hymn.
. . .tithing is encouraged but widely ignored.
. . .half the people sitting in your pew lip-sync the words to the hymns.
. . .the word apportionment sends a chill down your spine.
. . .you realize pluralism isn't a communicable disease.
. . .your pastor has a hyphenated last name.
. . .names like Aldersgate, Asbury, and Epworth are vaguely familiar.
. . .you consider the monthly potluck a sacrament.
. . .the only church camp song you know by heart is "Kum ba yah".
. . .you've ever attended an Annual Conference and actually enjoyed it.
. . .you have an unexplained yearning to visit Wesley's Chapel in London.
. . .your church is named for a geographical location rather than for a saint.
. . .you've never heard a sermon on Hell and don't feel you're missing out.
. . .your pastor moves every four or five years and you like it that way.
. . .your pastor responds to you with, "I hear you saying.....".
. . .there's at least one person in every church meeting who say, "But we've never done it that way before".
. . .your congregation's Christmas pageant includes both boy and girl wise men.
. . .you accept the fact that the hymn "O, for a thousand tongues to sing" has almost as many stanzas as tongues.
. . .you know that the Wesleyan Quadrilateral isn't a trick football play involving four lateral passes.
. . .you realize that the Book of Discipline is not a guide to getting your child to behave.
. . .you understand that an "appointment" has nothing to do with keeping a lunch date.
. . .you think "UMW" stands for United Methodist Women rather than the United MinecWorkers.
. . .you know the difference between a "diagonal" minister and a "Diaconal" minister.
. . ."Good morning" has the status of a liturgical greeting in the worship service.
. . .you feel a twinge of guilt when you sing "Onward Christian Soldiers" with gusto.
. . .you say "trespasses" instead of "debts" in the Lord's Prayer and have no idea why.
. . .your annual conference spends most of its time debating resolutions that nobody reads.
. . .you'd rather be branded with a hot iron than serve on the Nominating Committee (or PPR, Trustees, Finance, etc.)
. . .the members of the Friendship class are always fighting among themselves.
. . .you realize that sprinkling, pouring an immersing are not ways of seasoning food.
. . .you're asked to donate money to a "special offering" every other Sunday.
. . .you pore over the Conference Journal with the same intensity you would read a John Grisham novel.
. . .you have to fight through a cadre of "designated greeters" to get into the sanctuary. . . .when the worship service lasts for more than one hour, the beeping of watch alarms drowns out the final hymn.
And now for a whole new category - - "How many UM's does it take to change a light bulb?:
Q: How many Bishops does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None....they bask in their own glow!
Q: How many DS's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twelve and the Bishop. Since every light bulb is guaranteed a socket.
Q: How many DS's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny! Q: How many UM's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change? Change! - - what's that?!
Ecumenical "You might be's. . . .
You Might be a Southern Baptist...
. . .if you think God's presence is always strongest in the back three pews.
. . .if you think John the Baptist founded the Southern Baptist Convention.
. . .if you think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem.
. . .if the first complete sentence you uttered was "We've never done it this way before."
. . .if you judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher.
. . .if your definition of "fellowship" has something to do with food.
. . .if you ever wonder when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong will be paid off.
. . .if you honestly believe the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.
. . .if you think worship service music has to be loud.
. . .if you think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.
. . .if you think preachers who wear robes are in cahoots with the communists. . . .if you judge the quality of a service by the length of the service. . . .And finally, if you ever wake up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and interpret that feeling as a call to preach, you might be a Southern Baptist.
