More Advice Solicited...

[catlover]

Okay...my ex came over to get my daughter bring her to a movie...you know their last visit so the children CANNOT spend the night with him.

Anyway, after bringin her to a movie he just comes in the apartment and pretty much makes himself at home. He asks me about my cell phone which was "out" in plain sight and asks me for the number. I will not give him the number because he would call constantly.

Okay, without provoking him to anger how do I tell him you can come in the apartment but please not for a long time...?

 

[captiveheart]

You might just remind him that you don't live together any more and that while he is your daughter's father, he has is own place and you and your daughter have your own place. You want him to be able to see his daughter, It might be convenient but it just isn't proper to allow him to do his visiting within your home.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Don't let him in at all. Meet him at a public place for such things. Inviting him in makes you look dumb if anything bad happens. ie If cops get called he can say, 'we'll she invited me in what was I supposed to think.' Cops deal with such situations all the time so please don't go there if you can help it. That isn't a diss on you so much as a precaution for your safety and well being.

 

[hope4today]

Hi Catlover,

I had the same thing happen to me. My ex would wander into and through my home and I didn't like it. I felt uncomfortable and awkward in my own home. I wanted to deal with the situation without a confrontation if I could so I chose to use body language as my first port of call. It took some planning but I made sure the girls were ready to leave well before he was due to arrive and then I basically waited for him. When I saw his car arrive (or the door bell ring), I called the girls to the door with their stuff before I opened the door. Then I opened the door and let the girls out while I stood across the doorway - kind of like a sentry blocking entry. It was a simple body language move that meant it was automatic for the girls to go out to meet him and leave with no excuse for him to come through the door.

I did the same when they were due to come home. I opened the door and then stood blocking it with my body and said "Hi girls, come in...thanks for bringing them back...Bye" No room emotionally or physically for him to come in.

I did this consistently and he got the message. He doesn't even try to come in anymore. It seemed a bit tough not to let him in at all but I needed to do it to set the boundary and for him to get the message that this was not his home to wander in and out of. Now that he has got that message, there are times when he has had to wait longer and I have actually said - "You can wait in the lounge if you like" and that is where he has stayed. But I had to establish the 'no entry' boundary first. Now e doesn't enter without permission.

If he hadn't got the message that way I was prepared to actually say to him "**** I am not comfortable with you wandering into my house so when you collect the girls I'd like you to wait at the door and I will bring them to you" and then be prepared to repeat the same statement (broken record it's called) over and over if he tried arguing with it. It stops you from getting into a mode of defending yourself or getting talked around. Just stick to your prepared statement.

That's how I did it and it was effective for me. I hope this helps a little. Sometimes they just need to have their thinking adjusted to realise that they no longer have rights to you or your home.

I know this is a tough time. Remember God is with you

 

[catlover]

Hi Catlover,

I had the same thing happen to me. My ex would wander into and through my home and I didn't like it. I felt uncomfortable and awkward in my own home. I wanted to deal with the situation without a confrontation if I could so I chose to use body language as my first port of call. It took some planning but I made sure the girls were ready to leave well before he was due to arrive and then I basically waited for him. When I saw his car arrive (or the door bell ring), I called the girls to the door with their stuff before I opened the door. Then I opened the door and let the girls out while I stood across the doorway - kind of like a sentry blocking entry. It was a simple body language move that meant it was automatic for the girls to go out to meet him and leave with no excuse for him to come through the door.

I did the same when they were due to come home. I opened the door and then stood blocking it with my body and said "Hi girls, come in...thanks for bringing them back...Bye" No room emotionally or physically for him to come in.

I did this consistently and he got the message. He doesn't even try to come in anymore. It seemed a bit tough not to let him in at all but I needed to do it to set the boundary and for him to get the message that this was not his home to wander in and out of. Now that he has got that message, there are times when he has had to wait longer and I have actually said - "You can wait in the lounge if you like" and that is where he has stayed. But I had to establish the 'no entry' boundary first. Now e doesn't enter without permission.

If he hadn't got the message that way I was prepared to actually say to him "**** I am not comfortable with you wandering into my house so when you collect the girls I'd like you to wait at the door and I will bring them to you" and then be prepared to repeat the same statement (broken record it's called) over and over if he tried arguing with it. It stops you from getting into a mode of defending yourself or getting talked around. Just stick to your prepared statement.

That's how I did it and it was effective for me. I hope this helps a little. Sometimes they just need to have their thinking adjusted to realise that they no longer have rights to you or your home.

I know this is a tough time. Remember God is with you

I will do that-I actually feel guilty doing that but it's better than him coming in and starting something as Autum mentioned.

I want to be nice and get along and my ex is making it difficult.

 

[hope4today]

I understand the guilt factor. I struggled with that too. I felt really mean but I realised that it was part of the adjustment of the separation and divorce and that the change of relationship needed to be established. It's hard because we often naturally want to please but that is not always the healthy option. Depending on what he is like and the nature of the relationship there may come a time when it can ease up a little but if the boundaries aren't clear now, it can lead to blurred lines and blurred expectations, which can just make things more complicated.

I pray God's peace and strength for you as you work through this.