money/ work

[zanemalindeal]

First post. Found this through Google. My wife and I have been married 2 years and I've not got the best job history. I am trying really hard to fix my work ethic and do better, but right now I'm only working part-time.
My wife believes that I'm not trying hard enough and is now threatening to kick me out if I don't get a second job (which I have been working on) or a full-time job in a week. I do want to work full-time, but I feel like this threat is so far out of line. I've tried to explain it to her and I've told her that it makes me feel like she only values me if I'm working 40+ hours, but she's not budging.
We have talked to 2 different pastors from our church and one agrees with me and the other with her.
I guess what I'm wanting is to understand how or why this would be considered acceptable. When I said the vows it didn't matter to me if we had millions and worked 80 hours a week or were homeless and without work, I wouldn't want to be anywhere except with her. Now Ive started to feel bettered, used, even lied to. I feel like she doesn't want to be with me if I'm not working 40 hours. Please help me understand.

 

[DZoolander]

Your job is to provide and people want a basic level of sustenance. I doubt she's wanting you to "make millions" but rather be able to provide for your family (or at least contribute a fair amount to it). Someone has to do it, and traditionally it's the man. If you're bucking that trend, then it falls upon her, because she's not going to want to live on the street or live with your folks.

Get with the program.

 

[zanemalindeal]

I'm not being clear, I guess. I know I should work more and i am trying, but threatening to kick me out doesn't remotely make sense.

 

[DZoolander]

Likely this isn't a new issue and she's tired of it, so she's making it serious for you.

 

[HannahT]

How are you paying the bills with a PT job?

My wife and I have been married 2 years and I've not got the best job history. I am trying really hard to fix my work ethic and do better, but right now I'm only working part-time.

What is it about your job history that is bad? Are you losing those jobs, or are you being laid off or what?

My wife believes that I'm not trying hard enough and is now threatening to kick me out if I don't get a second job (which I have been working on) or a full-time job in a week. I do want to work full-time, but I feel like this threat is so far out of line. I've tried to explain it to her and I've told her that it makes me feel like she only values me if I'm working 40+ hours, but she's not budging.

What are your lengths that you have gone to in order to find employment? It's the holiday season now, and people are looking for temp workers at this point. You shouldn't have a hard time getting one of those in the meantime. It's not guaranteed, but many of those places if you show your assets to them as an employer? They could keep you on.

From what you have said it sounds like this is an ongoing theme with your employment. That can make people feel very unsettled, and feel their own future is at stake. You can't move forward without a regular income, and you can't pay the bills,etc. If you are constantly struggling? That also wears a person down. Do you see that side of this? I think she is asking for a reliable partner.

We have talked to 2 different pastors from our church and one agrees with me and the other with her.
I guess what I'm wanting is to understand how or why this would be considered acceptable. When I said the vows it didn't matter to me if we had millions and worked 80 hours a week or were homeless and without work, I wouldn't want to be anywhere except with her. Now Ive started to feel bettered, used, even lied to. I feel like she doesn't want to be with me if I'm not working 40 hours. Please help me understand.

Why would you go to pastor's and ask them to side with you? It's not like your wife is going to change her mind because you did. I mean it always sounds like you went to tattle. Remember she doesn't WANT to be homeless, and it does matter to her. She wants to feel secure. Since you can't give her that it could very well be she also feels used, lied to, etc. Paying the bills, and working towards a future is just part of life. It sounds like she is frustrated with you.

You said you have a bad job history - which tells me you have hard time keeping them. That scares people, and it sounds like even your wife. You can't just tell her that you are doing your best - you have to show her. That means more than just calling employers, and looking at want ads. It means hitting the streets, and taking what is available until you can find something better.

Remember habitual behavior does NOT make someone feel safe. What are you doing to make her feel safe? You seem to be looking at this from your point of view only, and how you need to be unconditionally loved and accepted...and not have any frustration pointed in your direction. That's not going to happen in life. Everyone deals with that.

 

[ValleyGal]

Is your wife working to support you? Is she working full time? Do you at least pick up more of the chores around the house or do you expect her to work and take care of the home?

I can tell you with a whole lot of conviction that no woman alive appreciates the thinking you have demonstrated in your post. What exactly are you doing to improve your work ethic, and why is it not good to start with?

A woman needs to know her husband cares. In fact, commitment is made up of two things - care and consistency. If you are consistently exhibiting poor work ethic, don't care if you sleep under a bridge, don't care if your wife is made to sleep under the bridge with you, don't care if your wife is supporting you, don't care that you are dependent on her, etc. that is half the equation. She knows that you are consistent as in she knows what she can expect from you. But the fact is, all those things give her the message that you really don't care - not about work, not about integrity and character (lack of work ethic) and certainly not about her. Iow, she is getting the message that you are really not committed to her or to her well-being.

I know that getting a job is hard, and it is a full time job to get a job. But you need to persevere for her sake - but also for your own - care about your own integrity, your own vow to love your wife, your own vow to actually care for her and about her.

As for feeling devalued because you think she only wants you if you are working full time, she is actually doing you a good service. She cares more about your character than you do! And she is setting appropriate boundaries. She is keeping the "bad" out of the marriage by doing what she is doing - that is, she is trying to help you build character and do what is right in God's eyes:

1 Tim. 5:8
Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Threatening to kick you out is part of that boundary. And yes, it is appropriate. If she can't get you to respond to repeated requests to get a job, demands, crying, etc, then she has to take more drastic measures where you will actually feel the consequences of your poor work ethic. It might be the only way you will learn what it takes to really care (read: commitment) about your family.