Mom using manipulation with sensitive topics

[Heartofsilver]

Hello everyone,

My mom who possibly has BPD has been overly controlling, abusing, and manipulating me for as far back as I can remember. I recently had a conversation with her for on the phone for two hours which she reminded me of why I don't stay on the phone with her for long. Because of the abuse, her being friends with my abusive ex-fiancee, and the games that she plays, I don't visit my parent's often. So recently when I have been on the phone with her she has been manipulating and guilt tripping me to come over. She has been reminding me of a young girl we were helping who had cancer, who had passed away, which brought my family, and our community closer to God, our families, and to each other. With my family's continuous abuse the closeness didn't last for long unfortunately. My mom has been using this young girl to manipulate me to visit with her. She keeps asking me if I remember the closeness we had after going to her life celebration. She also keeps asking me why I won't visit her anymore when she is the one who destroyed pur relationship after this has happened and refusing to get any help for herself. It hurts me to my core how she uses such sensitive topics to manipulate me and refuses to get help for herself. Because of this she suffers which is hard to watch and she all has us suffer along with her. It hurts to be barely seeing my family anymore, but whenever I come to visit on holidays even I'm possibly subjected to further abuse. This has been a very hard season for me separating myself from most of the dysfunction with the exception of holidays. Since she has continued to ask me why we aren't close anymore, I told her that one of the first steps to us having a better relationship again is to completely let go of my ex-fiancee. Her response to that was was that she barely sees him anymore and that I need to let it go. My response to that is that she needs to let him go completely!

 

[drjean]

(((hugs))) You need to let this relationship go as well IMO. Yes, you need to honor her just because God says to honor mother...but your desiring change in her, wanting the love you needed and need... and it will only bring you heartbreak and turmoil imo.

Forgive and move on. God tells us to leave our mothers and fathers. That it didn't work out with the ex is another issues. (My parents also embraced my abusive spouse.)

Find the barriers and stop responding. May God give you the strength to stop allowing the abuse. They are preying upon you.

 

[Heartofsilver]

(((hugs))) You need to let this relationship go as well IMO. Yes, you need to honor her just because God says to honor mother...but your desiring change in her, wanting the love you needed and need... and it will only bring you heartbreak and turmoil imo.

Forgive and move on. God tells us to leave our mothers and fathers. That it didn't work out with the ex is another issues. (My parents also embraced my abusive spouse.)

Find the barriers and stop responding. May God give you the strength to stop allowing the abuse. They are preying upon you.

I have really distanced myself from my family by limiting communication and visits. I have been talking to my therapist about setting up boundaries since both of my parents have so far refused to change. I have been praying for them to come closer to Jesus and to willing be transformed. I have been praying for them and loving them from afar. I do need to pray ,ore about God helping me to forgive again, to soften my heart, and to be more forgiving in the midst of my storms. I am facing other struggles where I need to forgive others, but I also believe that God didn't create us to be doormats. >.<

 

[drjean]

Forgiving is a process but then, one day it will just click! My phrase that I repeated over and over that changed my brain and response was: Jesus died and forgave all...who am I not to forgive? I will forgive.

And then I would also say : God sees all and will reward them for their deeds so much better than I could.

And also I still tell myself: Holding grudges only hurts me. God forgave me and doesn't hold a grudge against me.

You'll get through this. It's really tough to admit and realize you will never receive the love you needed as a child.